The sound of the phone disconnecting brings me back to where I am.

The thrifted art pieces of flowers and meadows cover the wall above the couch, the fairy lights hang around the windows, tiny candles litter the coffee table, and the handmade blanket from college lays on the couch with all of the mismatched pillows.

The idea seems so exciting I want to run to the library. I wonder about what books I've missed out on since I stopped reading. There will be plenty of books there though. There will be all the books I need, and I will enjoy the hunt of finding the exact book I want to start reading again.

I quickly grab my purse from off the kitchen counter, and I do a checklist: purse - check, wallet - check, keys - check.

As I make my way out of the apartment building, the sun shines on my face, dazzling and intoxicating.

* * * 

I plug into my phone the directions for where the local library is despite knowing exactly where it is. The drive itself is only 10 minutes away, but I don't play any music. This road is in the opposite direction of the grocery store and Jennifer's office. There is a whole different world out here.

For one thing, there is a little flower shop called "The Village." Then there is a playground with swings, a climbing wall, slides, and a balance beam. There are even children climbing trees. There's some local restaurants, and the elementary school and high school are right by.

Soon, on the left, I make the turn into the library parking lot, where my phone alerts me that I made it! I made it here.

There are only three other cars in the parking lot, but I guess for a Wednesday afternoon, it would not be a busy time.

Excitement and nerves fuel me as I awkwardly make my way out of the car.

I keep reminding myself that it is just a library, and nothing will happen in there. Worst case scenario, I get shushed by an old lady as she waggles her finger at me. I can handle that.

The thought settles me as I slowly make my way to the entrance of the building. The building looks newly done, but it still has that distinct library feel. Like you're safe. Like you're welcome.

I push through the doors, and it is only a few steps in before I'm surrounded by dozens of bookshelves. To my right is the check out and help desk, where a young woman, probably still in college, smiles at me.

I give her a smile in return, and I'm caught between asking her for help since it has been so long and refusing to ask for help since she's probably busy, and I don't have a specific question.

To this kind woman, I must have looked like a fish out of water because while I'm silently debating about how to approach this situation, she is already right next to me.

"Hello! My name is Marie. You look a little lost right now. Can I help you," her hair is in pigtail braids, and she has a lanyard with her name covered in smiley stickers and glitter.

"Hi, Marie. I'm, uh, Lucy, and I haven't been in a library in a very long time. I have never even been to this one before even though I've been living here for a year now. But I'm starting a new job, and I got some time off before I start. I was looking for things to do since I don't want to waste the week I have, and it was actually my best friend who suggested I come here. She reminded me about how I haven't read in over three years because reading became so hard after I lost my husband, and I-," tears begin to slip out as my voice cuts out.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! I don't know what came over me and why I'm talking so much. Oh my gosh, please don't mind me," I try to walk away, but my feet and eyes are glued to the cement floor. She must think I'm crazy. I didn't think I would get so emotional coming here or talking about reading. I don't think I'm crying about Jack either since I talk about him to strangers all the time. This grief is a sudden attack that I never saw coming. Unfortunately, grief does not care about the time or the place. It comes when it pleases.

"I'm so glad you came to the library today, Lucy! I meant it when I said I wanted to help you, and you can talk to me about anything. It seems like you don't know why you're crying, and that's okay too! There's no rush."

I feel a sucker punch to the gut as Marie offers me the most genuine smile and a tissue. I make one of those weird laugh, cries as she offers me a tissue, which I take gratefully as I dab my eyes.

"I didn't know I would feel this way when I came in. I was so excited about getting to read again, and I had no idea I would get so emotional," tears begin to dry as I try to explain to Marie.

"Grief can be like that," Marie urges, and I want to laugh again.

"Sometimes, we do things that feel like they should be okay, but they are more complex than we think. I think this may have been hard since it sounds like you stopped reading for sometime before your husband passed. It's okay to feel the way you do, and I'm glad you feel that the library is a safe place to share these things." Marie points me in the direction of a trash can, where I throw out my tissue and all the air goes out of my lungs.

"Thank you, Marie, for being so understanding and helpful," she looks at me with a sincere smile that says This is what I do. 

"Well, is there anything else I can help you with today, Lucy?"

I take a shaky breath as I push forward.

"Yes, I do need help. Could you tell me more about this library, and could you show me where the fiction and romance section is? Oh, and where can I find the DVDs?"

Marie beams as she straightens her back, "I can help you with all of those questions!"

Marie goes on and on to tell me all about the programs and services that the library offers here. She tells me about how they have a reading lounge, a computer lab, and they even have classrooms that can be rented out for events, or they can be used to study or work in if you register them in advance. While she's telling me all of this information, we come across a few other patrons. An older man looking through the history section, a woman with what looks like her son, browsing the children's section while two other young people work on the computers. All is quiet besides Marie's soft voice explaining about all the other items available besides books like board games, video games, DVD's, and more. "So the DVD section is near the computer lab," I think to myself. I'll save that for next time.

"Here we are. Right now, we are in the fiction section while the romance section is to the right up against the wall. Could I help you find a specific book or anything in particular? Is there a style you prefer?" Marie's eyes are glowing. Her being seems to tell me Recommending books is my passion.

"I, uh, don't think I have anything in mind. I mean... it's been so long that I'm not sure where to start."

She picks up on my hesitation and quickly dismisses it with ease, "That's no problem! I think it might be a good idea if you reread something from before that you enjoyed. Unfortunately, it may not hold up like before, but you can also get an understanding of what genre peaks your interest now."

Books I read before. As I mentioned when asking for books, I mostly read fiction and romance books. All different tropes and worlds. Maybe, I should read the last book I read from before. No, what about a book I read back in college?

"Do you have "I Left My Heart Here?"? I read that back when I was in high school, but Jack also really enjoyed it," saying Jack's name dries my throat a bit as I try to remain composed in front of Marie, not wanting to cry twice on the day of my visit. What is going on today?

Her smile is tiny as she points me towards a specific bookshelf, where right in front of me is a slightly-frayed but otherwise perfect copy of "I Left My Heart Here."

"You should grab it! It's your first time after all coming to this library and also reading again, so if you grab it, then we can get you a library card and get you back on your reading journey, then we want to see you back at the library again and again," Marie giggles as she realizes she was a little louder than she expected, but her impression is not forgotten.

I grab the copy while holding the books in my hands like a baby, and Marie guides me back to the check-out desk. Everything goes so smoothly between getting signed up, getting my card, and getting my book. Everything took about 20 minutes, and now, I have the book in my hands and my library card in my wallet. I smile at Marie with as much sincerity as I can muster because if I could, I would give her the biggest hug. I should save that for another time.

"I hope to see you again soon, Lucy!"