Right now, I'm sitting at a bench a little ways from my car, but it's a good distance from the playground with a bunch of beautifully big trees. 

Of course, it's not cloud watching if you don't have a blanket, which happens to be my handy dandy car quilt with oranges all over it. 

I wait about 10 more minutes before I accept fate's cruel hand in this since I can't contact Thomas, if I leave and go to the library, he might not even be there, and what if he is already here, yet he's somewhere else in this huge park, where once again, I cannot reach him!

Accepting the reality that Thomas may not come at all or that we might not find each other, I search for a good spot. The sun would still be up for over an hour at least, so I need a clear view of the sky without any tree branches blocking my view. I also need a good location that is not invading anyone else's space, which as of right now, is no one.

I find the spot I am looking for while laying down the blanket on the ground as I settle in. I'm a little too long for the blanket, so I bring my knees up, and I even take my shoes off.

Staring up into the sky, the clouds showcase their different styles. One cloud looks like a dog sticking his tongue out. One looks like a snake with a cowboy hat. One looks like an ice cream cone.

"Looks like you started without me."

I jolt up as I see Thomas standing right next to the blanket with a puzzling look on his face.

"Are you upset with me," the words come out before I can take them back, and I instinctively cringe at what I am saying.

The shortest laugh on record comes out from him, where he replies, "No, I'm not upset with you. Why would you think that?"

"Is it because we were dumb and didn't exchange our phone numbers?"

"No, but that is something we definitely overlooked," he says as he slips his shoes off and sits next to me on the blanket. He is definitely way too long for the blanket, but he just keeps his calves and feet in the grass.

"Should we exchange numbers now, or do you want to tell me what's going on?"

He looks at me bewildered as he immediately asks why I would think something is wrong.

"You look..." Troubled? Confused? Conflicted? I didn't have the words, so I said nothing. I try to gesture his emotion with my hand, but it's no use.

He stares up at the sky, and his eyes are looking up, but they aren't taking anything in.

"Why aren't you looking at the clouds? The list says to watch clouds. We need to watch the clouds."

"Fine, I'll look at clouds," I adjust myself back to lying on my back, facing the sky, where I begin to interrogate him.

"Why do you look upset or whatever you're feeling? Did something happen at the library? Did you get lost on your way here? Do you not want to watch the clouds?"

He stares and stares. So I wait.

We sit in silence, looking at the clouds for 10 minutes before he says a word. In the meantime, I saw a cloud shaped like an alligator, a butterfly, a burger, a tree, and much more. I even saw two planes.

"Marie didn't like the plan." Marie?

"You told her what we were doing?"

"If you think she wouldn't pry information out of me like a fish on a line, you're dead wrong." He offers a tiny smile, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

"Why did Marie say she didn't like it?"

"She said I'm taking advantage of you. You're a widow. I'm just some guy. Blah blah blah." 

I take his words and hold them close. If I assume correctly, Marie thought he may have created this ruse as a means of getting into my pants. Thomas took offense to that since that was not his intention. Although, it feels like Thomas doesn't trust himself like he isn't sure if he is taking advantage of me.

"Thomas. Let me make one thing crystal clear. I could have said no to you. I could have said no to you without any hesitation or remorse. I didn't. That was my choice. I choose to believe that you are partaking in this adventure not to take advantage of me, but for yourself. Inherently, we are doing these activities selfishly. We want happiness for ourselves. I don't blame you for wanting that. I believe you deserve to be happy."

I pause for a moment to let him understand all that I am saying, but I do not let him get a word in before I finish what I want to say.

"I know we didn't say it before, but I'm not ready for a romantic relationship. Not right now at least, and I don't think you're looking for a romantic relationship either. I think we should be friends. Platonic friends. Also, I don't think you'd ever want to take advantage of anyone. I especially don't believe you are doing this to hurt me."

I shift myself to look directly at him.

"I don't think you're capable of that."

Quiet creeps in as we gaze back into the sky, hoping that we can find the answers we are looking for. To find the joy we seek.

The wind brushes against us, and the trees dance in response. The sky has been flooded with reds, oranges, and blues. The clouds scatter as they are on their own journey. You can hear the sounds of the children yelling and laughing on the playground. Mothers and fathers offering encouragement or comfort. You can hear the sound of people running right by, shoes on the sidewalk.

"I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone. I have. Unintentionally. My past three relationships failed, and I think it was my fault. I mean they told me it was, but I couldn't wrap my head around how I managed to single handedly ruin three good relationships. I do too little, I do too much, I don't open up. One of my exes told me that I am like a person trying to impersonate a person."

He looks over at me, nothing and everything showing on his face. He keeps going.

"I want to be happy on my own. I've been doing what I can to find that happiness. I even got a therapist. She told me recently she believes I have depression. I can't even wrap my head around it. What am I depressed about? These are my choices, so what is going on? Why am I depressed? What can I do to stop this? Will it ever go away?"

He begs me for an answer. For a clue. For salvation.

"When I lost Jack, it was the police that called me. They said that Jack had been hit in a crash. A drunk driver hit him from the rear, going 107 miles per hour. He was killed almost instantly. Do you know what he was doing, Thomas? Do you know where he was going on December 19th, 2013?"

My throat threatens to close, and my lungs restrict. This is the part that gets me. I can say every detail about the crash, but this is the part that hurts the most.

I feel the tears coming, but I clench my hand into a fist, squeezing my fingers into my hand so tight I think I broke the skin.

"He was coming home from the grocery store. He bought me flowers."

"At first, I was just in shock. I couldn't wrap my head around what happened. It was all a mess. My family and friends were helping me with the court case, with everything financial. Christmas was completely forgotten. I didn't open the presents he got me until about two months later. But I felt so much, Thomas. I was angry at him for buying me flowers. I was angry at the man responsible for it. I could barely sleep a wink because I wanted to kill him. I wanted him to suffer just as I had. How was it fair?"

With tears streaming down my face, I catch a breath, trying, trying, trying to tell Thomas everything. Show him all of my grief, all of my shame. Tell him it's okay. I'm broken, and you can be broken too. You have nothing to prove to me, Thomas.

"It wasn't fair. But life kept happening. I wanted everything to stop. I wanted people to stop working. I wanted everyone to know and see that Jack's life was important. How could they move on so quickly? His parents were a mess just as I was, but they kept to themselves. I haven't talked to them in a long time. Maybe I should call them. Tell them... tell them how much I miss him. How much I think about him. How I see him everywhere. I can go anywhere in the world, but I still feel him. Every bike, every orange, every otter. Everything he loved."

There is still so much to say yet not enough to describe the way I feel, the way I cope, the way I live my life, but I still tell Thomas. I tell him because he asked.

"Grief and depression are not synonymous. Depression is a part of my grief though, and it's hard. Some days are harder than others. You don't know why, but it happens. But I want to get better. I want to live. I want to enjoy my life even in the midst of all the pain I have endured. I choose that, everyday."

Dried tears stain my cheeks as I shift to look directly at Thomas again. The tears in his eyes threaten to fall, but he fights and fights to not let them go.

"Pain is not a competition, Thomas. You deserve help and joy and love, and I believe things will get better for you. I want them to be better for you."

Thomas takes a big deep breath as he looks up towards the clouds. He takes another deep breath and another.

"I have one more question for you, Lucy."

He switches to his side, edging closer to my face as his eyes latch onto mine. My breath quickens as he inspects my face.

"What's your question?"