Emilia

As I sit in my living room staring at the collage of family photographs that adorn the walls, I can’t stop thinking of the future that’s no longer promised to me. The future where Creed and I would dedicate ourselves to raising happy, healthy girls. Together, we were supposed to watch them grow up. Graduate from school. Get married. Bring our grandbabies into the world. Then there are the family vacations we were supposed to take. The quiet moments spent at home as a family of four, sprinkled among holidays and family traditions, the girls will never get to experience.

That’s all gone now. The life we planned snuffed out of existence with the stroke of a pen like it never mattered. As if it wasn’t everything I’d ever wanted. Signing those papers did more than put an end to my marriage. They left me gutted. My hopes for the future were scooped out and replaced by this empty black hole in the center of my being. Now I see nothing but a dark void that shadows all the tomorrows headed our way. I’ve never felt more lost. More alone. More empty than I do right now.

How could he do this? He was there from the start. He helped build every part of this life. He was so taken aback when we found our dream home, he dropped to one knee and proposed. He carried me over the threshold after the wedding, whispering his vows and sweet promises of forever.

I still remember the tears in his eyes when they handed him our firstborn daughter, and he realized for the first time he was a father. He loved me. He loved our girls. Of that, I have no doubt, no matter how hard he’s tried to convince me otherwise. It’s why I can’t rationalize what happened to the man I married to turn him into the stranger I left behind in that old hunting cabin.

“You okay?” Lucas asks as he takes a seat on the other end of my cream-colored couch. His hair is still wet from the shower, making it look darker than its usual golden brown. “What? What’s that look for?” he asks, tapping his foot against mine playfully.

“Your hair…” I fake a smile, making certain it reaches my eyes. I’ve had years of practice perfecting this very smile. It’s all the reassurance most people need to move on, which keeps them from seeing the sadness that sticks to me like sludge that won’t wash off.

“What’s wrong with it?” The way he runs a hand through it is adorable and reminds me of the uncertain 17-year-old boy I once knew.

“Nothing. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen your hair wet. You always had the most beautiful ringlets.”

When he looks away sheepishly, I’m reminded of everything he did for us today. As difficult as it was to have my marriage implode in front of him, I’m glad he was there. His presence helped ground me. He kept me focused on what needed to be done and provided the framework to help me feel safe. It’s because of him and the choices he put before me that I left the cabin feeling like I had some semblance of control over what happened.

The unfortunate effect of him being there is that now he’ll stick around out of some sense of obligation. Especially given the adoption papers he signed, even as their purpose was only a means to an end. A way to separate Creed from the girls so they’d be safe. Knowing Lucas as I do, leaving town after the adoption fiasco will prove difficult for him. He’s a man of conviction. Someone who holds himself to a strict code of always doing what is right.

“Thanks for today.” When I notice he’s about to brush me off, I press on. “No, please. Let me get this out.”

“Okay then, go on,” he smirks, though the way he averts his gaze speaks to how uncomfortable this conversation is making him.

“Thank you. I can’t tell you how much it meant to have your support today. The way you stepped up for me and the girls, I’ll never be able to repay you.”

“But?” He runs a hand over the back of his neck.

“But I want you to know this doesn’t have to change anything. Signing those papers was more about severing the girls’ connection to their father, not about finding someone to replace him. I guess what I’m trying to say is, you don’t have to stick around regardless of what those papers say. I know you did it to help us because there was no other choice.”

“No Embree,” he turns in his seat to face me. “That’s where you’re wrong because I had a choice. I didn’t have to do it, but I did it for you. For them. That it was the right thing to do only played a small part in my decision. And I’m not asking to be their dad if that’s not what you want. I’ll follow your lead and do whatever you’re most comfortable with. But know, if you want me to be more than just the guy on their adoption forms, I’m here and I’d be honored to be a part of their lives.”

I can’t say I’m surprised. He’s an honorable man, so saying the right things to put me at ease is exactly what I would expect. If this was about anything other than the girls, I might have given him the benefit of the doubt, and taken his words in stride. But because it involves my children, I must approach this with a healthy dose of caution. As their mother, it’s up to me to protect them from being abandoned yet again.

“I appreciate that, but I think you should remain their Uncle Lucas. I don’t know how yet, but I’ll find a way to explain what’s happened. When the time is right, I’ll let them know how you stepped in to help when their dad couldn’t. I think it’s what’s best given how painful the truth is. As their mom, I’d like to shield them from the pain that comes with feeling abandoned. At least until they’re old enough to cope and grow from it. Plus, after what their father did, I can’t take the chance of them getting attached to another man who might leave them.”

Though he tries to hide it, I can see my words hurt him. “Whatever you think is best. Just know I’m here if they need anything.”

“I’m sorry, Lucas. I don’t mean to bring up the past. It’s just that they deserve better and I can’t afford to make any more mistakes.” And that’s the crux of the problem. As their mother, it’s my job to do right by them and so far, I’ve failed them.

“Embree…” he pauses. His mouth opens then closes like he’s trying to work out what to say, but I’m not sure there’s anything he could say to ease the awkwardness that sits between us.

Needing to bring this misery to an end, I rise from the couch. “Can I get you something to drink? Wine, beer, water?”

“A beer’s good.”

Relieved to make an escape, I rush to the kitchen while blinking away yet another round of useless tears. Why does it feel like I’ve traded away one failed relationship for another? Like Creed and Lucas are two ships passing in the night, and I’m a helpless buoy crushed between them. I’ve given my heart to both men, and neither has cherished me enough to protect it. They both broke my heart and moved on with their lives like I didn’t matter, and seeing them today only hammered home the fact I’ve never been enough for either of them to stay.

After pouring a glass of water for myself, I grab his beer and then set it on the counter. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes. As much as I wanted Lucas to stay in town, maybe it’s best that he return to his own life. He doesn’t deserve the burden of my problems, and I for sure would be better off without his constant presence, which only serves as a reminder of how inadequate I am.

With one last swipe at the moisture in the corner of my eyes, I pull my shoulders back and force myself to smile. I’m okay. Everything’s going to be okay. 

Creed left us long before today. The difference this time is that I know with absolute certainty, he’s not coming back. It’s time to move on. I’m free. Free from the uncertainty of a missing spouse and free from a past left unresolved. Plus, I have my girls. They are my light. My why. The two shining stars in the darkened sky. They are the answer to getting through this, so that’s where my focus needs to be.

When I return to the living room with drinks in hand, I stop in my tracks at the sight of him. He’s right where I left him. Only now he’s slumped forward, sitting on the edge of the couch as his hands run through his hair in a gesture that tells me something is wrong. Clearing my throat to give him a heads up that I’m back, I set our drinks on the coasters at the coffee table before reclaiming my seat.

 “Everything alright?” I ask, though I’m not sure I want to know the answer.

“Yep, just thinking,” he mutters, as he reaches for his beer and then takes a long pull.

“I’m sorry for everything that happened today, especially for leaving with him the way I did. I should have told you it was him on the phone back at my agent’s office. Thank you for coming after me, though if I’m honest, I wish you hadn’t seen me like that…” I’m rambling thanks to the tension rolling off of him in waves. It makes his silence all the more oppressive and pushes up against my need to ease the strain that brews between us like a thick cloud of doubt and distrust.

“Embree, what happened?” he interrupts. Pulling his hand out of his pocket, he opens his fist, and there in the middle of his palm are the lace panties he took from me at the cabin.

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Author’s Note:

In this chapter, we see Emilia regressing a bit, as she goes back to hiding behind the mask that didn't quite serve her during the three years Creed was gone.  From what we've seen in previous chapters, we know Lucas can read her emotions so the fact he's not calling her out on it speaks to how uncomfortable he is after everything that's happened.

What do you think Lucas is thinking throughout this chapter? Can you imagine how mortified and ashamed Emilia must feel when she sees the lacy fabric on his palm?