Emilia

“Everything’s going to be okay,” Hannah reassures as she pulls me in for a hug.

“Thank you.” I return her embrace, my eyes blinking rapidly to hide the tears I don’t want her to see.

Remembering the experience was humiliating enough, but then having to recount it for her has left me completely depleted. I’m grateful she allowed me to retell the story at my own pace, and in the end, she showed no judgment. Her concern and gentle affection went a long way toward making me feel better. That is until she began listing everything I was at risk of contracting after sleeping with a man I hadn’t seen in over three years. A man who on paper may have been my husband, but whose whereabouts and activities have been a mystery.

After discussing it with Lucas last night, I agreed that coming to see her today was a good idea. This is especially true since I’d stopped taking my birth control shortly after Creed left and therefore needed medication to ensure I don’t get pregnant. But as I sat there listening to the terrifying list of STIs, and potential side effects from the prophylactics she prescribed to prevent them, I couldn’t help the overwhelming devastation that turned me back into a weepy mess.

“I’m so sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.”

“Believe me, I know.” I pull back, turning to grab my purse from the chair.

“And don’t worry. I won’t say anything to anyone. I’m your doctor, so everything we discussed stays between us.”

“Thank you.”

“Here are your prescriptions, and here’s the morning-after pill. Be sure to take it with food as soon as you get home. Last but not least, here’s an appointment card. I’ll need to see you for follow-up testing in six weeks.”

Grabbing everything, I avert my eyes. I can feel the burn of humiliation simmering under my skin and it’s taking all my effort to walk out of this room like I’m not on the verge of an emotional breakdown.

When we get to the door that leads out to the waiting room, Hannah turns to me and asks, “Are you sure you don’t want to see Jen? She’s already in the room with Ben.”

Normally I’d jump at the chance of seeing my best friend, but the thought of facing Ben after everything that happened adds further insult to my humiliation. Plus, I’m not ready to tell Jen what happened with Creed, and chances are she’ll recognize something is wrong just from my reaction to her husband.

“I’m sure. I didn’t get much sleep last night, and I have to get back to the girls who I’m sure are driving Zeb and James bonkers by now.”

When she opens the door, I see Lucas rise to his feet. His worried eyes scan over me like I’m a piece of fragile porcelain and he’s looking closely to find my cracks.

“Everything good?” Deep worry lines mar his face, but it’s the apprehensive tension that’s lingered since I asked him to kiss me that hurts the most. His unease is apparent, even in the way he holds himself back from me while ignoring Nero who tugs at the end of the leash to get closer. Whether it’s from fear of the answer to his question or being around me, I can’t tell, but I have a sinking suspicion it’s the culmination of my mistakes yesterday that is to blame.

“Yep. There are a few prescriptions she’ll need to get filled before she gets home,” Hannah tells him, and then to me she says, “I’ll see you in six weeks for a follow-up. Remember, the details are on the appointment card I gave you.” Reaching out, she shakes Lucas’s hand and tells him. “It was great seeing you. Thanks for convincing her to come in.”

When we’re finally back in the car, silence smothers us once again. It’s the same stifling cloud of quiet that’s followed us since last night. His pulling away from me after I asked him to kiss me felt an awful lot like rejection, even as I understood his words. He thought I wanted to kiss him as a distraction from the hurt Creed inflicted, and maybe there was some truth in that. But I can’t help but wonder if, after all he’s seen, he can’t get past the mess I’ve made of my life. Maybe he’s repulsed by yesterday’s events, and I’ve forever tainted his image of the girl he once loved.

“I talked to Ben about the flash drive. They’re sending it to OPR tonight, and he and Nic plan to meet with them next week.”

“Who’s OPR again?” There are so many acronyms I can’t keep track.

“Office of Professional Responsibility. It’s the equivalent of internal affairs for the FBI. The plan is to hand over the evidence we got from Agent Maxine Halder, along with the footage of Kessler threatening you. The flash drive Halder gave us proves the evidence against you was falsified. It should be enough to get you cleared from their investigation.”

“So everything will be over soon?” I ask hopefully. My desire to return to some kind of normalcy is overwhelming, especially as I’ve yet to work out what our new normal will look like.

“Why, are you tired of us?” He looks over at me with a rueful smile.

“Just tired in general.” I sigh before turning back to watch the passing scene outside my window.

When his hand reaches for mine, I do my best not to cringe. Though I’d normally welcome his comforting touch, this time it feels an awful lot like pity. His attempt at consoling the poor broken girl because this is what the honorable Lucas does. It only adds to my indignity. It’s why I give his hand a gentle squeeze before pulling away. I can tell he’s confused by my reaction, probably because it’s the first time in all our lives I’ve pulled away from his touch.

Honestly, this is how it should have been from the moment he came back. Not only had he already broken my heart and abandoned me once, but I was a married woman when he returned. This awkward rift that now sits between us is for the best.

“I’m here for you, Embree,” he promises like he’s reading my thoughts. “I’m not going anywhere, not even if you tire of me.”

Though there’s a gentle teasing to his reply, my heart isn’t up for any more banter. I’m spent. Completely and utterly exhausted from fighting to hold on to things that aren’t meant for me. Maybe it’s time I accept the life I have, instead of yearning for a dream life that doesn’t exist. I need to focus on my daughters. On the life we have together, which includes great friends, and a job I love. We have a home. Stable finances. It’s everything we need and now that this mess with Creed is about to be resolved, it’s time I find a way to be happy.

“Until we have confirmation the FBI has backed off, nothing changes. But, we’ll do what we can to stay out of your way.” There’s something about the way he says this, that makes my hackles rise.

“Is there some reason they wouldn’t back off?”

“We’re just being cautious. There’s a lot of unknowns as it relates to what transpired between Creed and the FBI.”

“Is he gone?” I ask timidly, ashamed there’s a part of me that still cares for his well-being. I’m a damn fool.

After a few seconds, Lucas answers. “As far as I know. Ben’s in touch with Agent Hunt, and we talked about sending Mason to offer Creed some backup.”

Knowing they’re helping him fills me with an unexpected sense of relief. Why I care after everything he’s done is a question I’ll have to work through later. For now, my only job is to rein back the tears that threaten to give away how awful I feel.

“We’ll do what we can for him. Helping to exonerate him might be our best hope of permanently neutralizing the FBI.”

With no energy to consider his words, I regress deeper into my thoughts. When my awareness returns, we’re parked in my driveway. The car’s off, and Lucas is staring out the windshield. The ticking in his jaw is the only sign he’s working through what happens next.

“Embree,” he clears his throat. “About last night…”

“Don’t.” His reference to our dreaded interaction last night immediately sets me on edge. “I don’t want to talk about last night. Or yesterday. Or anything at all, for that matter. I need a second Lucas…” I scream at him. Overwhelmed and at the end of my rope, I beg him. “Please. I need a fricken second to just breathe!”

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Author’s Note: 

Emilia is at her breaking point and I can't say I blame her. She's a mess of emotions as she deals with the aftermath of what happened with Creed, in addition to the overwhelming feelings she has for Lucas.

What do you think about this chapter?

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