After the consummation rite I have made it a point to avoid Tia. Instead, I have been making it a point to familiarize Elio with how things work in the Empire. It’s a practical move, realistically he would be ruling next to me and he would even deputize when needed. His enthusiasm and initiative to learn makes it easier for me see him but Tia has been in the back of my mind.

Tia and I have always known that providing an heir is inevitable, what wracks me with guilt isn’t the love making itself that I liked it more than I expected to. It wasn’t even because Elio was an outstanding lover, while it pains me to admit it my enjoyment stemmed from my growing emotions toward him.

I have always enjoyed carnal pleasures but I haven’t given any thought to the emotions that come with it because there were never any emotions involved. It was always just for the sake of gaining mutual satisfaction.

I felt as if I have betrayed Tia, betrayed us. How could I face him knowing that he’ll see through me at once? I have given him enough pain and suffering even before my marriage, I don’t want to give him any more. It would be selfish of me to wish, but I do hope that he’ll only remember the good things.

Adding to this horrible emotions are my worries of not being able to bear an heir. I was only sixteen when I started going to war. The battlefield has never been kind to anyone but it is especially cruel to women. To this end, I along with my advisors decided it would be best if I were to be temporarily rendered infertile. I am the empress and if I was ever captured, the enemy could have impregnated me just to give them legitimacy.

We needed every safeguard we could afford. I have been taking the medicine which incidentally also stopped my bleeding and even though the war ended years ago, I continued taking it until I accepted Elio’s proposal. While my bleeding has returned, I still worry. No one could tell me if there were any other side effects due to my prolonged intake and it is a necessity that I bear an heir.    

I enter my office only to be greeted by the very person I have been avoiding. I release a sigh.

“It seems it is time to talk to my guards about the recent lack of security in the palace,” I say, walking towards my seat and mindlessly shuffling documents to appear busy.

“Why have you been avoiding me?” he asks bluntly.

“I didn-“ I was about to answer but he cuts me off.

“Please don’t try to belittle me by telling me you haven’t because I have been trying to see you for a week but I always seem to have been needed elsewhere,” he says and I purse my lips, staying silent.

He holds my hand, stopping me from my pretend work.

“You actually liked it. You enjoyed it and you feel guilty, that’s why you’ve been avoiding me,” he says, realization in his voice.

“It hasn’t been a secret that I enjoy the pleasure and satisfaction that comes with love making,” I retort, not confirming nor denying what he said.

“Yes, but this is different because you like him. You actually let yourself feel something besides the pleasure,” he whispers, letting go of my hand.

“I’m sorry,” I say, unable to say anything else.

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for. I’ve always known this was a possibility but my feelings for you won’t easily be swayed,” he says, taking a seat in front of me.

“I heard from Lina that you left him alone the day after, you haven’t done that before,” He continues, making an attempt to return to our normal conversations.

Every time I bedded someone, we would lightly talk about it the next day. It was a sort of ritual for us, nothing too detailed or explicit but I would tell him about any special techniques that I liked or weird habits that I couldn’t understand and it was the same for him. Whenever he bedded someone he would also tell me some details and new kinks that he discovered.

In our own twisted way it was our way to release our pent up frustrations and confirm our feelings for each other at the same time because as long as we could talk about our partners, it implicitly meant that they essentially mean nothing to us. It was an unspoken signal of how we thought about each other while in the arms of another.

“I was scared,” I tell him confessing.

“When I woke up, I saw him beside me and he was so peaceful. I suddenly remembered how he looked at me while we made love. Instead of unadulterated lust, his eyes looked at me with adoration and gentleness. It scared me. I didn’t know how to react, so I left,” I finish.

“And how did that make you feel?” he asks, raising my chin so I could gaze into his eyes.

“I told you, it scared me,” I answer, refusing to look him in the eyes.

“But that wasn’t the only thing you felt was it?” he asked, prodding me. I close my eyes, surrendering.

“I felt overwhelmed and contented… then I felt a surge of guilt. For the first time, I felt dirty,” I force the words out, needing to confess what I had felt.

He releases me and makes his way beside me. I didn’t open my eyes for fear that he would be able to see the self - loathing and disgust that I feel because of the fact that my feelings for Elio has started to take root even when only months before I had been adamant that Tia would always be the only one in possession of my heart and soul.

He turns my chair and I sense him coming closer. He cups my face and I can feel his face only inches from mine. He places a soft kiss on my forehead, on the tip of my nose, and on the corner of my lips, kisses of acceptance and understanding. Kisses that conveyed his pain but also his kindness.

“You are not dirty. You are starting to have feelings for your husband and even though it pains me, it also brings me joy because at least now I know that at least one of us could truly be happy with someone they care for,” he says.

I open my eyes only to see him kneeling in front of me, his eyes filled with sorrow and understanding. I could see his inner turmoil of whether to let me go and give up or to hold on with the hope that someday I’ll choose him regardless of the consequences. I place a hand on his face, thankful but also burdened by the feelings that I once hoped would never fade.

When someone knocks on the door we instinctively jump apart. I clear my throat while he opens the door. A messenger comes in and relays a message from Elio asking me to meet him in a drawing room. I nod and stand to make my way over with Tia walking behind me.

“Do you have any idea why he called you to a drawing room?” he asks and I nod.

“Yes, after the meeting earlier someone informed me that Lady Olivia has decided to visit unannounced. I would surmise that this request has everything to do with it,” I answer clenching my jaw.

There was only ever one reason that would warrant Elio urgently asking for my presence in a room with his past lover. It’s either Lady Olivia is pregnant or she’s lying that she is.

When I enter the room I see Elio clasping Lady Olivia’s hands and I feel a sudden bubble of rage. The only time I felt this emotion was when other women would try to win Tia’s favor. I never imagined I would ever feel jealousy for someone else even my own husband but it seems that I was wrong.

I take a deep breath and wait for Lady Olivia to greet me. Out of the many things I learned through experience was that one should always take command of the room as soon as one enters because even in a simple gathering, someone always holds the power and thus has the upper hand.  

When I don’t make any move to sit or to greet them I see the realization dawn on Lady Olivia. She bows and greets me.

“I apologize for greeting you belatedly your imperial majesty. I was just overcome with emotion,” she explains.

I nod curtly and take a seat beside Elio - a silent warning for her to remember her place but also a message to Elio, that as of the moment I am his wife and not her. Tia stands guard by the door so it would be easy for me to signal him if the need arises.

Ever since I was little, one of my more unlikable traits was my possessiveness over things and people that I perceived to be mine. While that trait has subsided, I still often exercised my right to put people in their place if they ever put even a toe out of line. A right that I have exercised countless times when quite a number of people thought it would be easy to fool and manipulate a young ruler.

“Lady Olivia, to what do we owe the pleasure of your unannounced visit?” I ask bluntly.

It has always been considered rude to visit any home, especially the palace, unannounced. It was just proper manners to at least send word a day or two before one’s arrival, to give the hosts ample time to prepare the needed beds, enough food and the likes. It was my way of passively letting her know of my displeasure about her decision.

I could see her nervousness escalate as she licks her lips and her eyes dart to Elio’s for help. Elio puts his hand over mine making me flinch, but he doesn’t let go. Although I am still a little uncomfortable about public displays of affection, my reaction has little to do with comfort and has much to do with the fact that only seconds before he held Lady Olivia with the same hands he tried to comfort me with.

Anyone who knows me well would know that I can be petty when I feel the need to be especially when I feel as if I, my people, or my territory is being threatened. My rationality blurs and I move or speak on instinct but instead of being threatened I am utterly annoyed because I feel as if these people are handling me as a beast that would pounce on first sight.

“Bell” Elio starts but I stop him with a raise of my hand.

“I believe I was addressing Lady Olivia,” I say firmly, my eyes trained on her. I see Elio encourage her with a nod and she takes a deep breath.

“As your majesty is aware, I was his royal highness’ lover and I have come because I find myself with child,” she finishes.

The temperature in the room drops and silence assaults each one of us. It is as if everyone was waiting for me to explode. I could see the apprehension in Tia’s eyes, his body poised to restrain me if necessary. I knew that if I really wanted to, I could kill everyone in the room and no one could stop me but why would I? I wouldn’t gain anything from it.

It was never my intention to be violent for such a small matter but I couldn’t really blame Tia because I have had a past of scaring my counterparts when I found them extremely annoying. I place an impassive smile on my face.

“I see and how far along are you?” I ask.

She looks taken aback at my question and I smirk.

“You do know that we will need to verify your recent sexual encounters,” I tell her and I see her face contort in rage.

“Don’t worry, my people are rigorously thorough,” I add.

“With all due respect your imperial majesty please do not question my dignity. I would never take advantage of Tay in any way,” she says indignant.

“His highness,” I correct her, confusion on her face.

“It is not Tay, it is ‘his highness’”, I spit out. “And with all due respect Lady Olivia, you don’t really expect that we’d take what you say with your word alone do you? If it was done that way then countless royals would probably have boundless bastards,” I say, enunciating my every word.

She clenches her jaw and I could see the barely controlled rage and humiliation burning in her eyes. I smirk then I stand up and leave the room with Tia trailing behind me.

It isn’t as if the thought never crossed my mind, they were after all quite driven with passion and it has only been mere months since they’ve separated but what I didn’t expect was the pain I felt when it became a probable reality. If it is true, it would spell the end for our marriage and the thought doesn’t relieve me as I had thought it would.