It only took them a day to ready everything they needed for the trip to Cyete and I barely got the chance to talk with Bell. After her announcement I immediately made my way to her chambers, since no one told me where she was staying I waited and followed her one day. It was a stretch to think that neither she nor Sir Anthony knew I was following but since she didn’t stop me, I read it as a sign that it was okay.

I didn’t want for her to leave with things between us as they are and I knew that some time before they left she would eventually need to visit her chambers. I was right. When she saw me waiting she didn’t seem surprised, she just wordlessly sat across from me.

“I am sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you enough and I’m sorry that I’m still having a difficult time believing that Olivia is tricking me,” I say, breaking the silence.

“I understand,” she says coldly. It was as if she was looking through me instead of at me.

“I do not want you to get hurt. Could you at least promise me that you’ll try your best to be safe?” I request and at that, she smirks.

“There is no battle without any risks. While it is only technically an aggressive subjugation and not a war, the opposition seems to have gotten their hands on improved cannons and even catapults. I won’t bar myself inside a safe room while my men risk their lives for the empire,” she says, her jaw clenching.

“Why did you not let me deputize while you are away? It’s not that I want to but from what I learned, it is an unspoken tradition that the spouse deputizes if the ruler is away,” I ask her, genuinely curious.

“I do not trust you. If you are having a difficult time believing me even when I gave you irrefutable evidences, how am I to trust that you will put the best interests of my empire above your own?” she answers and I nod.

I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t hurt by what she said but I could also understand where she is coming from. I myself am unsure whether I could make the best decision for the empire especially since my mind has been occupied by my debacle with Olivia as well as Nathaniel’s arrival. I was about to stand to leave when she stops me, grabbing my arm and guiding me to sit beside her.

“Before I leave we need to speak about what could happen on the slim chance that I don’t return,” she says and I start to shake my head but she grips me tighter, willing me to meet her determined eyes so I do, reluctantly.

While her gray eyes were full of determination it also held a tinge of fear and worry. I was selfish to think that I was the only one who felt fear. Even though she had gone to war a number of times, I failed to understand that each time she went into battle it was with the uncertainty of whether she would come back breathing. I grip her arms back, telling her that I was ready to listen.

“On the slim chance that I die or do not return for an amount of time, you will be forced to ascend my empire’s throne and everything will happen fast. It is also one of the reasons why I am leaving Lord Ethan to deputize me. I hope you find the time to learn from him while I am away. However, if the worst does happen there is a good chance that chaos will follow. Trust Lord Ethan, he won’t lead you astray,” she tells me and I nod.

I have often wondered why Bell trusts Lord Ethan as much as she does. While I am aware that he is unbelievably efficient and effective, it is still quite difficult for me to grasp how Bell can leave the whole empire in the hands of one person alone as it would be easier to be betrayed.

“Also, I know that it isn’t my place but I would advise you to not give Lady Olivia what she wants especially if she’s asking for monetary compensation so she could leave. Since you still have a difficult time believing what I said, I would suggest that you keep her close and that you keep an eye on her whenever you are not together,” she says, her tone wary.

“On that note, I am unsure whether anyone has told you but your cousin, the marquess, has decided to join the expedition. As a ‘representative’ of the Ocelon kingdom he told me. While I am uncomfortable, I see no reason to deny him since I have also heard that he is a good swordsman and can be of help,” she informs and I can’t help but worry.

“I understand. However, I ask that you be careful with Nathaniel. He’s more dangerous than he seems,” I warn her and she scoffs, nodding.

“I appreciate your concern and I will always be wary of people around me,” she assures me then I take my leave, knowing that she needed time to herself.

That is how I find myself in front of the caravan at the break of dawn a day after Bell’s announcement, waiting for my turn to wish her safety and say my farewells. While I knew that Sir Anthony would be beside her to protect her, the knowledge didn’t give me much relief as I was also worried that he would see this as an opportunity to capture Bell’s affection even further.

After a few minutes it was finally my turn and before anyone could stop me I find myself wrapping my arms around her. She stiffened at the contact but after a few seconds she relaxes into my embrace. I bury my nose on her neck, committing her scent to memory and etching her warmth of her skin unto mine.

“Please come back to me alive,” I whisper on her skin before I place a kiss on her cheek and release her.

I knew that Olivia was watching but while I am confused about our situation, my growing feelings for Bell were clear. I care for Olivia but I am falling in love with Bell and I can’t nor do I want to supress my feelings. I wave goodbye and I watch them leave. I stay until the last of their silhouette disappears, uncaring whether I was left alone.

A few minutes after they left, I find myself sitting on the stairs of the palace’s entrance. It was something I never did for fear that I would be scolded for being inelegant and shaming the family name. My parents, while loving, were strict when it came to etiquette and keeping up appearances. It is immensely important to them how the royal family is perceived.

This simple but irrefutable fact made me wonder how Olivia was able to come here without being first intercepted by my mother or father. If there was even a whisper of a suspicion that Olivia was pregnant then my parents would have heard about it and they would have offered Olivia a deal to keep her quiet.

I wouldn’t put past them if they decided to marry Olivia off before her stomach started to swell, with the promise of a sizable amount of stipend. They knew the terms of my marriage and they wouldn’t have taken any risks when it came to the succession clause especially since Bell had made sure that the clause was airtight.

I had never asked how Olivia made her way here with only her maid. I doubt her parents would have agreed to let her visit. Her parents would hate for her name to be associate with mine now that I am married, they wouldn’t want their daughter to be labelled as a mistress or a concubine. I also made it clear when we separated that there could never be more between us other than friendship and she’d agreed.

Maybe it really was the time to question Olivia and her intentions. Now that I’ve had the time to think, I believe that Bell wouldn’t have fabricated evidence just to pull me away from Olivia. She was clear that she held no grudges about Olivia and I believe her. She would have sooner demanded an annulment instead of falsifying information to keep me by her side. My musings are interrupted when I feel someone sit beside me.

“I never thought I would ever see you sitting on the floor so openly,” Olivia says, laying her head on my shoulder.

I slowly inch away, her closeness made me feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t bring the joy and contentedness that it used to. In its place the feeling of shame and guilt has taken place. It wasn’t only because I was aware of the contemptuous looks the knights and the staff has been giving me ever since Olivia came, it was also because I myself feel the need to draw a line between us. I was about to address her when someone calls on me.

“Your highness, the empress has asked me to be available to you. You can accompany me, if it pleases you,” I turn around to see that it was Lord Ethan.

I abruptly stand and nod my head. I tell her that I would see her later and I practically run towards Lord Ethan. I send a silent thanks to the heavens and follow him as he made his way to what I assume would be his office.

“Did she really ask you to teach me?” I ask, wondering if he had lied and if he did, what could have been the reason.

“Bellona has asked me to accept you if you approached me asking to be mentored,” he answers and I can’t help but be surprised when he boldly addresses Bell by her name alone.

“Then why did you reach out first?” I ask, clearing my throat.

He stops and turns to look at me. He observes me from top to bottom, his scrutinizing gaze making me tense then he looks me in the eyes. His deep blue eyes pierced mine. It held no expression and no hint as to what was going on in his mind.

“Before I begin guiding you, I need you to know that my loyalty lied with Bellona and her alone. I am not following her because she in the empress nor is it because of her late parents. To this end, I will do what she asks of me not for the good of the empire but simply because I exist to make her vision a reality. I hope you make no mistake, the only reason why I accepted you as my student is because she told me to,” he says.

The he continues walking, leaving me behind and not looking back to see if I followed him. I understood why Sir Anthony is loyal to Bell, it is because he loves her but I am dumbfounded when it comes to Lord Ethan. His loyalty doesn’t seem to stem from romantic love, it could be because of his immense respect for Bell but it still doesn’t quite fit.

He speaks as if he sees himself as a tool to be used to realize Bell’s goals but knowing Bell, she never saw Lord Ethan as a tool because she only uses people without their knowledge when she doesn’t trust them and from what she told me earlier, it is clear that she trust Lord Ethan without question.  

It was exhausting trying to ascertain Bell’s relationships. When I observed her, it was apparent that she only trusted Sir Anthony and Lord Ethan. She kept everyone else at a distance while maintaining amicable relationships with the nobles. I release a sigh and follow Lord Ethan into his office, deciding to ponder on my thoughts another time.