It has been a month and a half since Bell left for the subjugation and the only way I hear from her is from the letters she sends Lord Ethan, updates about how the battles were going and requests for supplies that were running low. Aside from being mentored by Lord Ethan, I spend my time with Olivia and this only accentuates how much I long for Bell.

Before Bell left even though she avoided me, I comforted myself with the knowledge that she was nearby and safe. However, that is not so anymore. She’s far away, at least a four day ride from the palace and her safety is not ensured. I have been telling myself to be content because as long as she writes to Lord Ethan, she’s alive and safe. I tell myself this over and over again, yet I still wish she would at least ask about me.

I release a sigh, my break is almost done. I shiver just at the thought of the piles of documents that I would have to go through today. Lord Ethan is efficient and effective which made him a reliable man but he is demon incarnate for his subordinates especially for me, his mentee. By the end of this training, I wouldn’t be surprised if I somehow acquire the ability to read and summarize a 200 page report in less than two hours.

“Are you tired?” I almost jump out of my skin when I suddenly hear someone.

I turn to look only to see Lord Ethan holding a cup of tea. Over the course of our relationship, he began speaking to me without formality and even though I was proud because it meant that he has begun to warm up to me, it still takes time to get used to. His way of address somehow makes me feel more real, more grounded due to it being a reminder that I am not only a crown prince, I am also a human being.

“A bit,” I answer while I receive the cup he offers to me.

To my surprise he walks beside me and wordlessly looks at the sky. I have been going to this little patch of paradise near his office ever since I started being his mentee. The fresh air and the quiet helps calm my chaotic thoughts and worries but this was the first time he joined me. So, I take it as an opportunity to know more about him.

“You once told me that your loyalty lies with Bell, why is that?” I ask him and I see a rare smile form on his lips.

“‘Bell’ what an unfitting nickname for someone like her,” he comments and I look at him confused.

“Everyone in the empire knows who Bellona is but I officially met her during the war. While everyone applauded her for choosing to be at the vanguard, I hated her because all I saw was a child leaving all her responsibilities to my father while she went to war and lashed out. At the time I thought that she went to war to die. It wasn’t a stretch, her mother had just died and she was practically pushed to ascend the throne,” he says, smirking.

“So I told her that just because my father pledged allegiance to her family, it did not mean that I would do the same and I was surprised when she agreed. It wasn’t until I saw her in battle that I understood, she was not going into war to die but instead she went so she could live. Seeing her fight day by day made my interest in her grow. She lived up to her name, Bellona, the goddess of war,” for the first time since I met him, Lord Ethan’s eyes sparked with pride.

“What convinced me pledge my loyalty to her happened in what was supposed to be a peaceful day. I was organizing and rationing our supplied when our base was attacked. I’m not hopeless when it came to the sword but I wasn’t great either, before I knew it I was already tired and at my limit. I didn’t see the man poised to attack me until I saw her, the empress who flung herself into danger to save a nameless subordinate,” he continued.

“I would assume that you saw the scar across her back, she acquired it because she saved me. It almost killed her too,” he says, amused.

“It wasn’t the fact that she saved me that convinced me, rather it was the fact that she would’ve done the same thing for everyone else if she could. I knew because I had been watching her the days before. Whenever she had the time, she would spend time with everyone, she would give up her rations for others and she even learned medicine so she could help treat the injured,”

“I gather that if I were to pledge my life and loyalty to someone, it would be to her, someone who indiscriminately helps her people and someone who has the courage as well as enough foolishness to risk her own life in doing so because I would have never offered my whole life to someone who could not do the same,” he finishes, satisfied.

I now understand why Lord Ethan is loyal to Bell. It wasn’t because he held romantic feelings for her nor was it simply because he respected her. It was because she is the embodiment of the future that Lord Ethan wants to build. It would not be an exaggeration to say that Lord Ethan chose Bell and not the other way around.

Knowing Bell, she knows it too and that’s why she did her best to prove that she more than deserve Lord Ethan’s loyalty. His story sparked more of my curiosity especially since I knew that the three of them were often seen together even after work hours. I wanted to know more about them, even though it paints me as someone desperate to fit into their group.

“What about Sir Anthony?” I blurt out. He raises an eyebrow at my question.

“What about him?” he asks back.

“I had heard that the three of you were close friends. I was wondering how you would describe Sir Anthony,” I explain and he scoffs.

“I guess other people could see it that way but rather than friends I would say we are necessary acquaintances. The result of Bellona’s incessant perseverance to make us ‘friend’”, he answers and I can’t help but scrunch my forehead in confusion.

“In easier terms, I do not see Sir Anthony as a friend. The crux of the matter is, I do not like him,” at this, I feel my eyes widen in surprise.

“Why do you not like him? Did he offend you in any way?” I ask, flabbergasted. It was the first time I had met someone who exhibited distaste toward Sir Anthony.

“He did not offend me but I was never fond of martyrs or people who see themselves as a white knight and coincidentally, Sir Anthony is both of those things,” he answers and explains further.

“As you said I have been with them for a long time and thus had the opportunity to observe them. Sir Anthony sees himself as someone who can give everything up just so he could be with Bellona. He paints himself as a martyr for the person he claims to love, all the while ignoring the reality of their situation. He denies parts of himself that would shatter or contradict this image, unaware that doing so would destroy him,” he sighs.

“Time and time again he has created situations which put Bellona in a difficult situation. Oftentimes he would implicitly make her choose between him and her people while knowing that millions of lives were at stake. Moreover, he would come to me for advice when I clearly told him that I want no part in their private relationship. I despise people who try to manipulate others by gaining their sympathy,” he finishes.

“But what if he isn’t trying to manipulate anyone, what if he is unaware that it could be taken this way and just needs someone to talk to?” I ask, unable to believe that Sir Anthony is as what Lord Ethan described.

“If he needed someone to talk to then he should’ve went to someone who wanted to help or at least to listen. I have made it clear to him that I was not the right person for the job but he continued anyway. Which tells me that even subconsciously, he wanted to convince me to ‘his side’ or at least act as a mediator between the two of them, something that I never did and would never do,” he answers.

“But why? Apart for his lack of foreign power, Sir Anthony seemed to be the ideal candidate for Bell and everyone seems to agree,” I question, trying to wrap my head around what Lord Ethan was saying.

“I never thought Sir Anthony was an appropriate partner for Bellona,” he says bluntly.

“Why?” I ask and he sighs, impatient.

“Simply because from where I stand, I see that he doesn’t love Bellona,” I was about to contradict him when he stops me, raising a hand.

“He thinks he loves her when in actuality he reveres her. Sir Anthony has put Bellona in a pedestal ever since they were children thus he has never seen Bellona and himself as equals. In his quest to incessant prove his affections for her, he has forgotten that they are still both humans. Until he realizes and accepts this, a relationship between them would have never thrived,” he continues.

“Bellona knows this too. It is why she had never seen getting married with Sir Anthony as a real possibility. It is because she hopes that one day he will come to realize the tru nature of his feelings and when that time comes, she didn’t want him to be tied to her. She made sure that in that event, he would not be more miserable than he would already be,”

“Moreover, if he really loved her than he would never make Bellona choose between him and her people because everyone who knows her well enough would know that it would be torture for her. If you love someone would you voluntarily put them in such a heart-breaking position?” he asks and I shake my head.

“I couldn’t say. These past months have made me question whether I have really fallen in-love before or if what I’m feeling could be classified as love but I would like to think that I would do everything in my power to make the person I love happy, even if it meant me letting go,” I tell him and he nods then he makes prepares to leave but I stop him.

“Wait, before you leave, may I ask why suddenly decided to open up with me?” I ask, genuinely curious to hear his answer.

“Well that’s simple really. I decided to trust you and quite honestly, I have grown fond of you and now think of you as a friend,” he says, leaving me with my mouth open in surprise.

With that shocking statement he leaves and after a few minutes of gathering myself I go back to work where I find Lord Ethan as doing his work as usual. We spend the next few hours as we always do, him handing me what seems to be limitless paperwork and me trying to finish everything. When the day comes to an end I find myself wandering through the palace instead of directly visiting Olivia.

Olivia, whose stomach still hasn’t swelled. According to her lady’s maid, not every woman would have a noticeable stomach when they get pregnant but I am wondering why she still continues to wear corseted dresses, would that not be safe for the child? Or is she really not pregnant?

My doubts about her pregnancy have little to do with what Bell told and showed me. If I were being honest I have doubtful of what she said since the first time she said it but I denied it because I didn’t want to think of the possibility that Olivia, my sweet Olivia, is taking advantage of me.

My suspicions are accidentally confirmed when I hear her talking to someone on an alcove near her room. I was making my way to her room when I hear their whispers. It struck me as odd how the lights that were usually lighting the hallways were dimmed and the servants which were usually scuttling about were nowhere to be found. I had the strange feeling that I should be quiet and I did.

Their whispers were indistinguishable at first and while I would usually call out to her, I had the feeling that I shouldn’t. I slowly made my way closer, making sure that I won’t be heard or my shadow would be seen. It was then that I heard it clearly, her panicked and anxious voice trying to silently scold the person she’s with.

“Everyone is starting to wonder why my stomach still isn’t showing signs of growing. It’s just a matter of time before he questions the truth of what I claim. Why can’t I just leave so I can at least adopt a child that looks like him?” she asks, no guilt in her voice.

That night I strengthen my resolve and call for the palace guards. I order them to arrest Olivia for deception of the emperor consort and attempted treason as well as to hold her maid for interrogation. I opted be absent for the imprisonment because I feared that my resolve would falter when she pleaded. It is cowardly but I gather that this is one of the times I needed to decide as my station demands rather than with my emotions.

The next day the palace was alive with chatter. Everyone was talking about how Olivia was practically dragged to the dungeons while she screeched about her innocence. I release a heavy sigh and go into Lord Ethan’s office to do my work. I was surprised to see him on my desk, waiting for me.

“You did the right thing,” he says, patting me on the back.

“Did you ever believe her claim, about carrying my child?” I ask and he shakes his head.

“Bellona would have immediately given you the option of annulment if Lady Olivia was carrying your child but she didn’t, and I believe her most of the time. I just hoped that you would too,” he answers and I hang my head.

“A part of me wanted it to be true. I’ve wondered how our child would be like and this made it seem like a possibility. I know it is shameless of me to say that my feelings for Bell has been growing while a part of me also want to father the child of my past lover but if it was true, I am not certain whether I could have thwarted responsibility for the child for my country,” I try to explain.

“Bellona wouldn’t have forced you to. You have to be able to trust that she is not as cruel as people think or even how she paints herself to be. If there is one thing I am quite certain of is that she protects her own and her effort to make you see the truth is proof that she is starting to see you as her own. Don’t doubt her,” he says and I nod.

“I’ll try,” I whisper.