Critical Hit = An attack, or heal, that does more damage than the normal range of the attack. Nearly all games have a crit rate, or a critical hit rate, on weapons and spells. The higher the rate, the more likely you are to do the extra damage. Critical hits are great when you do them yourself, but mobs and bosses also have them, so you can suddenly get hit by them and get into more trouble than you thought you would be…

When I finally look at my phone again, as I’m about to leave Jade’s house, I realise that I’ve had multiple messages from Alex, the final one from over an hour ago, saying that she’s off to bed. I feel a little bad for having totally forgotten to check my phone for messages, but I was just having so much fun with Jade that I got lost in it all, which often happens when I’m with Jade…

So I quickly send Alex a message anyway, even if she isn’t still awake, she’ll see it in the morning. ‘Sorry, was at a friend’s place. Sleep tight!’ I hope it doesn’t wake her up, if she has actually already fallen asleep, because that would be bad.

I get on my bike and quickly make the ride home. At home, my parents have also already gone to bed and I quietly go to my room. There, I lean back on my bed, trying to decide between going online or just trying to go to sleep. Though, I really don’t feel like sleeping right now... Too nervous, still too excited.

I quickly change into more comfortable clothes and turn the computer on. I log onto Destruction of Elysium and I immediately see people talk in the guild chat, they’re all chatting about some dungeon event that will be coming up, and as I’m reading, I get lost in the game. I grab some gear from my bank and queue up for a dungeon. Not even seconds later, I already get an invite and dive right in.

The game makes me forget everything that happened today, just letting me focus on finishing the dungeon, and then dive in again to go for another round.

It’s not until I hear birds outside and there is a little light coming into my room that I realise I’ve played all night. That I’ve not even gone to bed yet. So, as soon as the dungeon is over, I turn the computer off and climb into bed.

I don’t know what it is, but I feel like there’s something going on, something I don’t even know. But I can’t remember what it would be, and I’m so exhausted that I fall asleep immediately.

***

I sit at the table, trying to eat breakfast, as Mom is staring at me, frowning. I’ve only slept for three hours, and that wasn’t enough. Obviously. But I can’t go back to bed, at least not yet. Mom keeps looking at me, and since I just took my meds, I know that sleep won’t be happening any time soon. I also forgot to take my phone with me, so I’m just sitting here, my only entertainment the newspaper, but I’ve long ago realised that I’ve got no interest in it. Not at all.

So, as soon as I finish my breakfast, I’m back up the stairs, booting my computer and finally finding Alex online.

I put on my headset and call her through the chat program.

“Hey.” She connects the call immediately. “How did you sleep?”

“Meh.” I shrug, logging into Elysium.

“Yeah.” She laughs. “I heard that you’d been online until like... early this morning.”

“Nothing ever stays a secret, does it?” I grin. Of course, people in the guild would know what time I was online.

“Not for the guild admin. Actually.” She lets out another laugh. “It was on your profile. The guild roster tells when you were online last. I woke up and saw that you’d just logged off an hour before.”

“What? So unfair. I should have stayed on longer.”

“I don’t know. This way you’ve had at least some sleep. Right?”

“Some...” I try to suppress a yawn, but fail miserably.

“Well, more than nothing, that’s for sure.”

“Yeah, true. Hey, you want to run a dungeon? Or a raid through the group finder?” I’m not sure if or how I should talk about what happened yesterday. I loved seeing her. I loved talking and being with her. I loved it so much. But I don’t know how to bring it up again.

“Sure, let me grab a few things. I’ll be right back.” I hear her put down her headset, stumbling around her room, and then a door open and close.

I walk around the game, check the market place for items to buy and sell and almost jump when I hear a door again, looking around until I realise that it’s on the headset and it’s actually Alex’ door that I hear. The headset makes some sounds and then she’s back.

“Sorry, took a bit. Got some snacks and drinks.” She laughs and I can hear some bags and stuff on her side.

“What did you get?”

“Winegums and licorice.”

“Nice.” I know that my mom won’t have those in the house, sugar and all that... And I’m too tired to go out and buy them right now.

“Okay. What dungeon were you looking at? How far along in the event are you?” Alex sounds focused now, focused on the game, on what we’re going to do.

“I’m four into the eight dungeons. People were sleeping, so it wasn’t easy to run all of them last night.” I shrug and accept the party invite that Alex sends.

Alex laughs loudly and I love the sound. “Yeah, that happens when you’re a night owl. So, I’m only two in, I need a couple more.”

“I don’t mind running the others first, so we’re both at the same place.”

“Cool. Let’s get in.” I see a timer start on my screen, showing when we’ll likely be starting the dungeon and I lean back a little, waiting.

It’s not going to take long, not when you’re a tank and a healer waiting just for a couple of DPS players. That’s the biggest advantage of playing together with Alex, at least we’ll never have to wait long for dungeons.

***

“Ehm.” It’s late on Sunday evening, it’s been four days since Alex and I went to the movies together and we’ve barely spoken about it, apart from saying that we enjoyed it a lot. But even those conversations seem to die out.

Did I read the atmosphere wrong? Did I expect more from Alex than we really talked about that day? I’m not sure what happened, but somehow I feel like we’ve taken a couple of steps forward and at the same time steps back. I’m not even really sure what and where... Like, I feel closer to Alex, and we’ve been joking a lot more, but I also feel that she’s taken a step back from me and isn’t letting me as close as before.

“Yeah?” Alex sounds a little sleepy, which makes sense, we’ve been playing all day.

“You said something about a birthday party? Do you have more details yet?” It was something we talked about when we went to the movies, so it’s not totally out of the area of things to talk about.

“Oh. Yeah.” I hear her move. “Cerise said that we can have the party in two weeks. It will be on Saturday and Sunday, so overnight. Take your computer, or laptop, and an air bed or something else to sleep on. And a sleeping bag and stuff like that, of course. I’ll send you the address tomorrow, I don’t have it here right now.”

“Two weeks is when exactly?” I’m going to need more details if I’m to convince my mom that she’ll allow me to go and I may have to take the day off from the flower shop.

“First weekend of August.”

“And your birthday is?” Hey, gotta know these things.

“Two days after that.” Alex laughs. “Though, apart from this, I don’t actually really celebrate it. Just a dinner with family and stuff. Nothing special.”

“Awhh. Well, I guess I’ll have to change that, then.” I could see if I’ll have the money to take Alex out for dinner, or something. She can’t not celebrate it.

“What?” Is she confused?

“I can’t have you not celebrate your birthday. Not letting you do that.”

“Right...” There is a carefulness in her voice, and I’m not sure how to read it.

“What’s wrong?” Something is different and it’s kind of obvious now.

“Nothing. Just... I don’t know. I don’t like to plan that far ahead.”

Huh? What’s going on? This is her birthday, it’s in two weeks, it’s easy enough to just accept my idea without giving a weird excuse.

“Fleur?” I’ve been quiet for too long.

“Why?”

“Why, what?”

“Why do you not want to plan for your birthday?”

“Oh.” The sound is quiet, and she doesn’t say anything for a while. “I just...” She lets out a breath. “I don’t have great experiences with planning ahead for birthdays and parties.”

“Okay.” How can I take that fear away for her? “I really would like to do something special with you though. You’re turning eighteen. We have to celebrate that.”

“I guess. Thanks, though.” She’s still doing it, keeping me away.

“Did I do something wrong?” I’m starting to get a little emotional. I don’t like it, but I also don’t like to be kept away.

“Why would you think that?” There’s that confusion again.

“You’ve been distant since we came back from the movies. Did I do something wrong?” I feel tears fill my eyes.

“No.” Suddenly, Alex’ voice isn’t so steady either. “No. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then, what? Am I no longer interesting? Did I disappoint you?”

“Oh. God. Fleur. No.” I can hear her breathing speed up. “Nothing like that.”

“Why?” Because she’s not denying something has changed.

“I’m just... a little scared.” Her voice wavers. “I’m scared that in two weeks time, I’m no longer interesting to you. But that’s on me. That’s my problem. I’m sorry.”

Whoa? I can’t keep my tears inside anymore, she really does sound scared. And it does make some sense with the way she’s been acting. “I won’t.”

“You don’t know that. I’m a girl. I’m not a boy. I have a different body. I’m different. It’s not the same. Not the same at all.”

“I know.” If there is one thing that I’ve already thought about, it’s how different that could be, bodies and everything. But that doesn’t stop me from liking Alex.

“I can’t be just an experiment to see if you could like girls too. I really like you.” She lets out a sob. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now. Just... I’m sorry. I really... I wish...”

“Alex.” I try to get through to her.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Please, forget this happened.” And the voice chat disconnects. Then I see her go offline too. No longer in the program.

I pick up my phone, ready to send her a message, wanting to tell her that things will be alright, that I won’t hurt her. But I know that anything I tell her right now won’t get to her.

I pull my headset off and hide under the covers. Letting out my cries, letting out my pain.

I don’t get it. I really don’t get it. I don’t want to hurt Alex, but somehow, I’ve already hurt her. Again.

And I only want to wrap my arms around her and hold her. Nothing more. I want to hold and protect her.

But something she said also nags at me, she doesn’t want to be some experiment, she doesn’t want to be the one I hurt just because I may or may not like girls.

Before meeting Alex, I never even thought about this possibility. I never even thought about my sexuality. I just did what everyone else did and was fine with that. But with Alex, this won’t be the same.

And there is one thing that she’s right about. It will be different. But not in the way that she thinks.

I actually get butterflies when I think about her. I’ve never understood the whole idea of butterflies in my stomach.

But now I do.

And right now they’re burning me up from the inside out, because I hate that I hurt Alex, even without meaning to.

I hate that I hurt her, and I’m going to have to make it better.

I will make it better.