The pain is overwhelming. I need ice, I need to ice it desperately, but I'm too scared to venture out of my room just yet. What if dad changes his mind and hurts me more?

What the fuck do I do?

I sniffle in silence, nursing my battered hand, and staring at that godforsaken textbook on the floor. His hits didn't break any skin, but the bruising is unreal. I don't think my fingers are broken, but I think something might have fractured in the top of my hand, because I can hardly make a fist, or grip anything.

My phone buzzes several times as messages come in. At first, I only stared at it, but then I remembered him. I remembered Jae.

Last night was one of the best nights ever, but that beating nearly caused me to forget about it there for a moment. I lean over and pick my phone up, careful not to move my other hand, and use the face recognition to open my lock screen.

It opens directly to my messages, and there are two there waiting for me from him. There's another from Ian, but I opened Jae's first.

Jae, 5:00am: Good morning, Lucas. How are you feeling?

Jae, 5:30am: I suspect you're still asleep, but I wanted to check in. Hope you slept well.

Tears flood my vision, and I sob into my arm, dropping my phone on my lap.

How am I feeling? How do I even answer him? I can't tell Jae the truth, he's a cop.

I did my best to calm my breathing and wiped more tears from my eyes so I could see the screen, deciding I'd use the voice-to-text feature. My voice wavers as I hold up my phone to respond, staring at my fucked-up hand as I speak.

Lucas, 5:50am: I'm fine

I sniffled, hitting send clumsily with my left thumb and watched the screen in silence. I don't know what to tell him, except that I'm not okay. I'm so far from being okay.

The sudden sound of my door swinging open causes me to jump, and I look wildly too the door to find dad striding in. He's got some medical wrap in hand, and he just throws it at me. "Put this shit on your hand."

I only nod and wipe my eyes getting up to collect it off the floor.

"Better hurry Lucas, or you're gonna be late for school." He said knowingly, and I swear he looks more amused by my predicament than anything. In fact, I think dad's very pleased with his handiwork.

"B-but I can't shift!" I blurted out, holding up my hand. "C-could...could you give me a ride, maybe?" I added, grimacing inwardly at how pathetic I must seem to him. I'm begging my abuser for help.

Dad smirked and said, "figure it out." before slamming the door behind him with finality.

I stared hopelessly at the door, and exhaled shakily. Uber, I'll call an Uber. I pulled up the app, and it's harder to navigate than usual with my left hand, but I'm desperate. I went to order a ride, but the app sent me a notification that there were insufficient funds on my card.

Fuck.

"Goddamnit!" I cursed angrily, throwing my phone on the bed in defeat. I don't get paid till Friday evening.

I sat there, chest heaving as more tears consumed me. My phone vibrated again as another text came in, but I didn't move to open it just yet. Part of me doesn't even want to look, I don't want to pretend I'm okay with Jae. I've been pretending for too long; Ian doesn't even know what dad does to me because i've been that good at hiding it. Curiosity ultimately got the best of me though, and I decided to check it just once more, doing my best to ignore the incessant pain in my hand.

Jae, 5:55am: Fine, huh? Why don't I believe you, Lucas?

I threw my head back and exhaled a laugh as I thought over his text. How the fuck does Jae know I'm lying? Sighing, I use the voice feature again, doing my best to calm my breathing and slow my tears.

Lucas: It's not a big deal Jae, just a bad morning. Had a little accident with my shifting hand this morning so now I can't drive. Just stressed

I sigh, and press my good hand into my eyes, mumbling "get it the fuck together."

Then forcing myself up off my bed, I grabbed a set of clothes and made my way to the bathroom, gripping my phone like a lifeline.

The idea of hot shower water on my bad hand makes my wince, so I decide a sponge bath of sorts will have to do. I already showered at school yesterday evening, so I'll just do a quick wash up from last night. When I slipped into the hallway, I didn't find anyone waiting for me, and I was grateful. I could hear Penny and dad talking upstairs, but it all sounds relatively calm, which infuriates me beyond belief.

Fuck, Penny. How come he isn't losing his shit? How come he hasn't confronted her about it and kicked her stupid ass out already? Who fucking knows.

I wet a washcloth with hot water and tried to wring it out one-handed, stray tears escaping me here and there. I did my best to wipe myself off, and then wash my hands as best I could. I could barely handle the sensation of water on my bad hand, but it needed to be done. I did fuck myself last night after all, I'd be unnaturally unhygienic of me to not wash my hands at the very least. It felt like an awful eternity, but I got it done, and splashed some cool water on my face clumsily. It feels good on my swollen face, and I paused to observe myself in the mirror for a moment.

I look awful.

My eyes were all swollen from my tears, and my right cheek puffy and red, with a subtle bruise developing. I pressed my fingertips gently to my cheek and grimaced, turning my face to get a better look. How the hell do I explain this? What, did I fall again for the hundredth time this year?

"Need a haircut..." I muttered, wetting the mess of curls on my head down; my bedhead is unreal.

After a few minutes of awkward attempts to fix my appearance with my good hand, I decided what was left would have to do. I don't look great, but it'll be passable... I think. If I play it off just right, no one should press me about it too badly. I had a makeup compact somewhere I used to use to cover up the nasty ones, some type of color correcting stuff, but I think Penny tossed it. She goes through my shit sometimes, and I fucking hate it.

I brushed my teeth awkwardly and put some deodorant on, then slipped into my clothes, careful not to bump my hand. Getting my socks on was a bit of a pain, but I managed. I've got practice today, but I don't know if I have it in me to even attend. Coach will be pissed. I keep a spare set of clothes and cleats in my locker at school, so I guess I'll just see how I'm feeling later.

My phone vibrates on the sink, and I sigh heavily, picking it up to see what Jae has said now. I want to be excited that he's texting me, and I guess I am, but my hand hurts too much, and my eyes sting from crying. In all honesty, my heart hurts too. As much as I hate my dad, equal parts of me have always sought his approval and his love. I guess... it's just not there, though. He doesn't have it in him to love me, and never did. I always hoped he might change, that I might have a father somehow like Ian's, one that'd love me, but it's just not my lot in life.

My shoulders slump as I lean against the sink, and crank on the cold water—I don't want to run it over my hand, it's gonna hurt at first, but I need to, so I do. I propped my arm on the sink and let the ice water run over the bruised, battered mess dad left. I wince as the icy water hits my skin, and pain radiates up my arm, but soon the pain begins to dull as the cold water cools my hand, so I just let it run. Then, I tap the banner notification for Jae's message, and my phone opens, our text thread populating on the screen.

Jae: wow, Lu. Sounds like a rough morning... are you going to be able to get to school?

I sighed heavily and chewed on my lip as I stared at his response. I wanted to text in all caps, "NO!!!! I WONT BECAUSE MY DADS A FUCKING PSYCHO AND NOW I CANT USE MY FUCKING HAND." But instead, I tapped my foot anxiously and continued to stare at our text thread. What do I say to Jae?

Lucas: idk tbh. Haven't really been able to find a ride yet

I grimaced at my limited honesty; I shouldn't be bothering Jae with my problems. We hardly know each other, and I'm too embarrassed for him to know the truth. The truth I'm so weak I let my dad fuck me up whenever he wants; because it's better than the homeless or hospitalized alternative I'd be left with if I fought back.

Jae... he just wouldn't get it.

My stomach turns as I watch the time pass on my phone; it's now six-fifteen, and I should be leaving now to get to school on time. Soon my phone buzzes and I watch another text slip into the chat.

Jae: shoot me your address.

My eyes widened as I read his response, and my stomach churned a bit. Jae can't see me like this... can he? What will he say? Will he believe my bullshit excuses?

Fuck. I don't have any other options though right now; none that are feasible. Either I can accept a ride from Jae, which is unbelievably kind but unnecessary of him, or I can sit at home, miss school, and get my ass beat tonight.

I sniffled and sighed again, knowing the best option to indeed be gorgeous Jae, so I spoke my address and hit send, watching it appear in our chat. He responds immediately with a "K, be there in ten."

Fuck, fuck, fuck! I clamored to send one more message.

Lucas: please don't pull in front of the house. Park two houses down, I'll meet you there.

I watched nervously for Jae to acknowledge my message, stomach churning as I imagined dad's response to a cop picking me up. I don't even know how I'd begin to explain that to him—what a godforsaken nightmare.

Instead of a text though, my phone rings, and my heart skips a beat. It's Jae.

"H-hey...?" I answered awkwardly.

"Sorry, can't text and drive." Jae says, and I can tell he's probably got me on Bluetooth or speaker.

"That's okay..."

"So uh, where am I parking, exactly?" He chuckles.

I grimaced a bit, feeling somewhat embarrassed.

"Uh...yeah, sorry. Um, so, go ahead and park in front of house 24006. I'm 24003, I'll just walk to meet you."

"O-kay." Jae responds with a hum. "So, uh, who you trying to hide from?" He adds jokingly.

"No one! I-it's... it's just a long story." I babble awkwardly, hoping he just drops it at that.

Jae laughs a little and I think I can hear him pop a bubble, "I see... well uh, I'll be there soon, and I'll text you when I'm there."

"N-No, don't worry about texting. I'll just walk out there now you'll see me!" I respond excitedly. "S-see you in a few."

Jae huffs with amusement. "'kay, Lu," and the line goes dead.

Lu... does Jae have a nickname for me now? Ugh, I love it so, so much.

Fuck, I don't have time to sit here and blush over Jae right now, I need to get my shoes on, grab my bag and get out the door. I give myself a once over, cringing at my appearance. It's not that my clothes look awful, or maybe even my hair necessarily. It's everything else I'm worried about. With that, I left, headed for the front door.

"Don't fucking mess this up, Lucas..." I told myself. "Game face on."