Reality pounded my memory the next morning. Being in my right mind and recalling yesterday's events was like breathing in daggers. I had kissed Kyson…in front of Donavon… I had lost my entire self and done the most unthinkable.

Crying uncontrollably, my heart burned sorrows, but there was no relief. My hands gripped my blankets, trying to hold onto anything stable, but my insides were shattered. How could it have happened like this? Why did I have to be such a monster?! 

If only I was dead. I deserved to be dead.

It might have been hours of me just laying there sobbing. My eyes and lungs were sore, and my emotions even more so. I would never go to school again. I would never see Kyson again. And Donavon? How could I ever face him to even try to explain?

Trying my best to calm down, I dried my tears and went into the kitchen to drink some blood. Today, it tasted very bitter, almost too gross to drink. I wanted to spit it out but didn't. Forcing the whole jar, I was determined to push through. Maybe there was a way…

Moments later, my stomach turned into fierce pain.

Probably back from a jog, my aunt entered the house, but I only rushed past her to the bathroom to throw up. I looked back to see a blood filled toilet then to the open door where my aunt stood in shock. My eyes begged her to tell me that it was all going to be okay.  

"So, it has happened then…" she spoke softly.

"What does this mean?" My voice trembled out. 

"Your body has rejected the animal blood. You need more to live now."

I wanted to yell out "no" but I knew she was right. My eyes found fresh tears, and my aunt met me on the ground with an embrace.

"I can't let this happen," I barely sobbed out.

"Sweetie, I'm so sorry." My aunt was now crying too.

"Is there nothing that can be done?" I asked.

"Avery, listen to me," she looked intently into my eyes. "If you don't drink human blood, you will die. This is not something to mess around with."

"But I would rather die."

"Don't talk like that." Her voice was sterner than I was used to.

"But you don't understand…Kyson… He's the worst. Can't I have Donavon's blood?"

"You know this… You know you can't choose. No one understands why, but your body decides what it needs."

Feeling my anger rise, I turned my face away in bitter anguish. 

"Why did you tell me it would be okay? Why did you lie to me?" I jabbed at her.

"I never lied, Avery. I only said there was hope."

"There is no hope now."

"There is always hope," she said, putting a hand on my arm.

I pushed it away. "How can you say that!?"

"Avery, don't think this doesn't grieve me just as much."

I then looked into her eyes and let the anger melt away.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed and hugged her.

"I know you're scared, but I'm always here for you."

Ashamed of my past outburst, I truly was thankful for my aunt even in the dreaded moment.

Still feeling dizzy, my aunt helped me onto the couch, and I simply laid down while she stroked my hair. It almost could have been comforting other than the fact of my doom.

"I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to stop caring… Stop loving… I don't want to be like my mother."

"You will be loved no matter what."

"Not by Donavon…"

"Did you tell him anything?"

"No…"

Ugh, why had I been so stupid? I should have listened to myself and never even talked to him in the first place. Even though my aunt had encouraged me, I could never blame her for all this. She was only doing what she thought was best, the optimistic self she was.

I couldn't live with this… But dying would hurt my aunt too much… But I would lose my mind and not care about her anyway so why did it matter? It was too painful to live in a perfect line of impossible situations. There was no right answer, and it hurt my brain too much thinking about it. 

Death sounded so good right now, but I couldn't be selfish enough to do that. If one could not live or die, what was there left to do? But cry…forever… And that's what I did for a long time—my aunt never leaving my side.

The hours drown into each other, yet there was no relief.

"I really need to talk to Donavon. I at least need to try to explain."

"I think that's right of you," she encouraged.

Finally sitting up, with trembling fingers, I sent him a text: I know what you saw yesterday didn't make sense, and I'm sorry. More sorry than you would ever know. I can explain. Please meet me at the swings at 5.

My thumb stalled before sending it.

"Try to eat something before you go," my aunt urged. 

"I'm sorry, I just can't right now."

"Call me right away if you aren't feeling well."

Even though he never texted me back, I still waited on the swings for him. By 5:30 my hopes were dropping. I knew I had to have hurt him badly, and it burned my insides. 

It was hard not to hate myself even though I knew I had no control. It hadn't been my choice…but it didn't change who I was…the monster my mother had been—only caring about one thing as she had.

By 6 I slowly picked myself up off the swing to head home. Once I turned, I saw him standing there, for who knows how long.

"Donavon," I spoke softly, trying to keep myself together. With deep desire, I simply wanted to run into his arms and know it would all be okay. There was silence for a while, but I knew I had to speak. Silence was no longer an option. Thankfully, no one else was close enough to hear.

Slowly walking up to him, I looked deeply into his expressionless eyes. "I'm being honest when I say that one of the best things that ever happened to me was meeting you."

I paused a moment. It was incredibly frightful for he had never looked so lifeless before. The rift was killing me, but I went on. "You are like no other guy I have ever met and the only one I have ever wanted to be with. And there is something I should have told you long ago…but I feared you would think I was crazy. And you will think I am crazy, but I promise it's the truth." I took a shallow breath. "I'm not a normal human… I'm a vampire."

His stiff stance remained, and there was nothing in his eyes to read.

After some silence, I forced on. "I need blood to live and have been drinking animal blood since I was little but now…something changed. It happens to our kind when we get older, and we need human blood to live… But what is worse is that we can't choose whose blood we need. And it's like a drug, we lose our minds. I hoped this would never happen to me, and I'm so sorry… You have no idea how much I hate this."

Again, he remained a statue.

"Please say something," I whispered.

We simply stared at each other for a while and the distance was almost too much to bear.

He finally opened his mouth. "I don't know what's going on. I don't know if this is some weird trick or if something is seriously wrong with you. I wanted so badly to love you and be there for you always but now…I don't know what to think."

My brain almost couldn't register what he was saying. His cold speech was so foreign, and it left me having a hard time breathing. In chilling silence, we numbly stared at each other for a long time. His eyes looked as they had gotten very little sleep.

"I have to go," he finally said.

Looking down, I nodded. With stalling steps he finally parted his way, leaving me alone and cold.

I could have stood there in shock forever, but I forced myself home. My aunt didn't ask how it went. My dead eyes were enough to tell her. She tried again for me to eat, but there was no way I could. We just sat on the couch in silence. 

I checked to see if Donavon texted me, but I only had texts from Kyson. I wanted to throw my phone through the window but decided to read them. They were all about him wanting to bring me shopping and asking why I was ignoring him. At some point, I knew I would have to deal with Kyson again, but my mind couldn't handle it right now.

~*~

Morning had only woken the old wounds afresh, as well as a pounding headache. I had fallen asleep on the couch—my aunt still with me.

"Avery, you have to eat today."

With a heavy breath, I stared at the ceiling. The headache honestly didn't bother me. The heartache was way worse. And as much as I didn't want to eat, there was something else that was far beyond dread. For my aunt's sake, I would have to. I had already lost Donavon, so what did it matter to him now?

"You know you can't go another day without blood," she added gently. "Can you get what you need?"

I nodded slowly. I guess this is where my vampire survival traits of being super good looking helped to ensure that I could get any guy I needed, so I could do something crazy like drink his blood.

Finally, I got up and forced some food down and texted Kyson. What on earth was I to say to him? Force myself to see him? Choose to drink his blood? How could I…

I settled on an apology text for ignoring him yesterday and made plans to see him later. Pressing that send button was one of the hardest things to do. It was being someone I wasn't. At least, once I saw him, my instincts would kick in, and his blood would at least erase the pain. It was way too ironic.

Bringing the pocketknife my dad had gotten me, I waited outside for Kyson to come pick me up. The words of my aunt echoed back to me: "Your dad just wants you to have a long happy life."

A happy life with Kyson? His drug would make me feel happy, but it would always be something fake. It was being with Donavon that would have made me truly happy. My tears were depleted from yesterday, so nothing was left but numb emotions.

A car finally pulled up, but it wasn't Kyson's. My heart froze as I saw Donavon step out and walk slowly to me. There was a sorrowful, yet caring mix in his eyes.

"I believe you," he said. "I talked to your dad. He told me everything. I'm sorry how I treated you last night."

"So you know that I can't be with you." My words came out as a stab to my own gut.

His eyes darted around and then finally back to mine.

Ignoring my statement, he spoke softly, "Well, I understand everything now. The mystery that I was going after. And why your mom was never there for you." I remained silent, for there was nothing to say, but he went on. "You know your dad was really worried about you when I told him everything. He doesn't want to lose you as well."

He slowly gripped the top of his hair while taking a deep breath. The arch in his eyebrows spoke deep grief. Part of me was relieved that he understood what happened and that I wasn't ditching him for Kyson, but part of it also made it harder. This might be the last time I ever see him in my right mind. I knew with time it would only get worse. Fiercer than ever, I longed to rush into his arms. But I couldn't… 

The paralyzed silence grew stronger until another car pulled up. My heart collapsed even deeper. Donavon took a few steps aside as Kyson walked to us.

"And what's going on here? Dude, she's mine."

"I know," was all Donavon said back.

Starting to walk away, he glanced at me one last time with a nod as if to give approval. Kyson pulled me in close to himself and started to kiss my neck. Helplessly, I stood as I watched Donavon pull away.

How was a shattered heart supposed to keep beating?