TRIGGER WARNING!!
[ contains self-harm ]
***
“I’m fine. I don’t need to know.”
Louis said and held my hand, but the Pope didn't relent.
“But Your Highness…”
“Can’t you see that my sister is suffering?”
Louis said agitatedly as he glared at the Pope. The old man simply said.
“You ought to know, since it has something to do with you as well.”
“Is it really that important?”
The Pope sighed. “Indeed. I had come here to tell you, but since Her Highness knew of it already, I suppose that it’s best that she tell you herself.”
The Pope stood up to give us room. At that point, Louis and I were no longer in the mood to enjoy the weather so we ended up heading inside. We spent the entire evening in silence, buried in our thoughts, causing Father to be concerned.
“Louis, did you get hurt?”
It was evening while we were preparing to go to bed. I asked, smelling the scent of blood coming off from Louis when he left the bathroom.
“No, I’m alright.”
Louis denied as he looked away so I stomped over to him instead.
“Don’t lie to me. I am familiar with the smell of blood so I know even if you hide it.”
I reached out my hand, asking him to show his wound to me. But Louis didn’t listen and just walked past me. His demeanor was, to put simply, strange.
“I said I’m fine. Let’s just go to bed.”
It was the first time since we’ve returned that Louis ignored me. Usually, I tend to have my way, and Louis always listens to me, so I would be lying to say that I wasn’t hurt.
I really am a hypocrite. I didn’t want Louis to hide anything from me, when I never tell him anything myself. But…I can’t give up just because of that. I sat beside him and spoke once more.
“Louis, the wound will get worse if you don’t treat it properly.”
He probably wrapped it with bandages at least, but I doubt he put on some medicine. I know since while Louis is good at taking care of others, that doesn’t really apply to himself. Not much has changed despite the years we’ve spent apart regarding that matter. The time we’ve been together since we’ve returned made that obvious enough.
“I’m saying this because I’m worried.”
“Can’t you let it go? Just once?”
It seems like Louis is really adamant in hiding it as he pleaded. I didn’t listen.
“I can’t.”
“That’s unfair.”
“I was always unfair, shouldn’t you know?”
Louis scoffed at my words but he didn’t deny it.
“Besides…I really don't like seeing you get hurt.”
When I attempted to grab Louis, he dodge and I failed. However, after a persistent game of catch, I managed to corner Louis so he wouldn’t be able to run away, and successfully grabbed his arm. When I did, Louis fortunately stopped resisting, afraid that I would get hurt if he did.
I held his arm and pulled up his sleeve, revealing his thin wrist which was haphazardly wrapped in bandages. As I carefully removed them, I could sense his reluctance but he didn’t shake me off or pull away. Indeed, Louis was such a gentle and kind brother to me, that he always let me have my way despite his own wishes.
“Aren’t you mad?”
He asked, his gaze set downcast to the floor and his head held down. He looked really sorry at that moment, that I couldn’t be mad even if I was. My heart ached.
“What would getting mad do? It’s not like I can’t understand.”
I said that, but I was barely able to keep my calm. My hands were trembling as I held his hand and it was hard to breathe. The only fortunate thing was that my tears didn’t fall.
Louis was already having a hard time. I didn’t want to be a burden.
The wounds on Louis’s wrist weren’t just any simple wounds. Instead, they were obvious signs of self-harm.
I didn’t know Louis's reason for doing something like this, but I didn’t dare ask about it either. I want him to tell me about it on his own when he’s ready. Still, it couldn’t have been easy.
I wonder what he felt?
“I’m sorry. I-I didn’t know what came to me, I just…I couldn’t help myself.”
“It’s alright. It’s not your fault.”
Louis’s wounds healed quickly thanks to my Holy Magic, but the heavy silence surrounded the room for a while.
“Louis, I say this all the time but…”
I spoke, breaking the silence. But before I could finish, Louis completed what I was about to say.
“Don’t leave me alone, right? I know.”
Louis wrapped his arms around my shoulders while I once again held back my tears.
“Don’t do it again, ok? If you feel bad, I’m here to listen if you need it. If you don’t like me, you can also talk to Dad, ok?”
“Mmmn.”
I nagged at him to which Louis grunted in affirmation, then he hugged me tighter.
Louis always felt the need to be strong, and he always did his best to make me feel better. Even right now, he was comforting me when he was the one who needed it the most. I questioned why all I ever did for Louis was put him in pain.
I always hoped that I was able to provide some comfort for him, just as he had for me. I wish that he could rely on me too. I wanted to protect Louis. I wanted him to be happy just as he did for me in all those years.
We suffered so much, and yet at every turn we face more hardship. It’s my wish, but I wonder if it’ll even come true?
Doubts plagued my mind. But still, I’m willing to do anything regardless of how futile the wish was.
The two of us stayed like that for a while.
I thought about what the Pope said. It’s true that Louis had to know, so that night, I decided to be honest.
“I don’t know what others thought of you, Cena. But to me, you’re the light that brings me happiness.”
“Even though that same light is causing you so much pain?”
“Moths would chase after the flame even if it burns them, you can say that I’m the same.”
Louis said with a bright child-like smile despite saying something so horrifying. But I was relieved. At least he seemed to be feeling better than he did earlier.
“But Cena.”
“Hmm?”
I was wrong. I let my guard down too quickly. Louis spoke softly, but I can feel anger from his voice.
“I’m angry that you lied to me.”
“...”
I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t even look at him. Louis squeezed my hands tightly, but not tight enough to hurt, and continued speaking.
“You keep saying that you're fine, and that you’ll be okay. But if that’s the case, why are you telling me that you only have four months to live at most right now?”
His voice trembled when he spoke, which reminded me of why I didn’t want to tell him in the first place. Yet I also knew that he had to know. Otherwise what different would our life right now be from our first?
I was supposed to die when I was twelve years old, and Louis left home when we were eleven, spending his entire year there in the academy. However, since the Goddess turned back time, Louis ended up quitting only 6 months after he started attending the academy. And it’s been two months since then, giving us only 4 more months before my or Louis’s death is set to happen.
“How long since you knew?” He asked.
“...Since I was ten.”
***
“Haa…”
Louis struggled to keep his emotions in check. He didn’t want to lose his temper and get mad at his sister, knowing how harmful it would be for their still broken relationship. They had barely managed to make-up, afterall.
Moreover, he doesn’t know about the Cena in front of him, but the sister he knew from the past would tremble and cry when screamed at. He loves her, and he doesn’t want to hurt her. He also understands that Lucena also had her own reasons for doing things.
Still, he felt frustrated by it.
He understood now her sudden change of demeanor that happened when they were ten years old.
Back then, without warning, Lucena ran out and went to the church which she never really liked to visit. There, she lashed out, screaming and throwing whatever she could hold towards the Goddess’s statue. Before then, Lucena was a cheerful, yet soft-spoken and gentle child. It was so unlike the sister he knew. Louis couldn’t understand.
He managed to stop her in worry that she might hurt herself in her sudden wrathful outburst, but since then, she had never been the same.
She was a cheerful child who always smiled and laughed despite all the things she had to suffer through so young. But since then, she never smiled, much less laughed. Sometimes, Louis would find her curled up underneath the bed, weeping to herself for some reason that was a mystery to Louis. When he asks, she would tell him it was none of his business.
Of course, Louis didn’t yet know the reason. They were younger, back then.
Lucena was always sick, she got tired and caught colds easily. Yet despite that, Lucena would still want to go outside to play at whatever chance she gets. But since then, Lucena stayed in her room and never once went out in the garden she used to love so much.
She threw frequent tantrums and became a moody child that he couldn’t recognize. She would often say hurtful words and push him away. She stopped appreciating the little gifts that her father and brother gave her, but instead left them in some forgotten corner which she never touches.
But perhaps one of the things that upset him the most, was the fact that Lucena would tell him to leave, and find someone else to play with.
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