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Laying there in bed, all I keep thinking of is how much I wish Kalston was lying next to me. Even though the intention wasn’t for things to end up the way they did the other night, It doesn’t change how much I really enjoyed his presence through the night. How safe I felt before things flipped, and how much I want that safety now. I’m not sure what is going on with me, but with him, there’s a sense of calm and stability that I am desperate for. Even more so the more I get to know him. I’m beginning to realize how much I’m becoming attached to him. How he’s becoming home to me.

I’m not sure exactly if this is love in a romantic sense or simply liking him that way. I love everyone, so knowing exactly if that’s the case, I want to give it more time. All I know is that for once in my life, I feel like I’m doing something more than simply living. More than passing from day to day waiting for my life to shift from waiting for my future to it finally being here. For my tale to finally reach that point where the passing time finally reaches its purpose and happy ending. For things to feel… more.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy. I’ve been happy. My life has had purpose. But, it’s always felt lacking in a way. It may sound cliche, but yes, I’ve been a girl waiting for her true love to come. Everything before that point has felt like it was preparing for that next chapter. That happily ever after. That life together spent growing and creating something greater together with your significant other. I like to feel like that wasn’t what’s been holding me back, that my puzzle was perfectly complete and seen clearly without someone else, but being here, in this moment, these late-night thoughts haunting me, I know that’s what I’ve been waiting on. Why even after hitting that point in my life where I’ve been doing what I feel the Lord created me for, spreading His word in my own kind of way and living comfortably from it, I still felt like I was waiting for something more. I always thought that empty space was my past hidden and taken from me, but now I know that wasn’t fully the case.

‘Are you sure about that?’

Maybe…

My thoughts threatening to keep me from falling back to sleep, I know fighting the insomnia isn’t going to get me anywhere but lingering too much on what my mind doesn’t need to be thinking about so far after dark. So early before the sun’s risen. Thoughts held then aren’t always that good to hang onto. It’s best to let them wait until morning to better grasp where the source is truly coming from.

My phone goes off, and I smile at the thought that at least I won’t be spending the rest of the night alone. 

💬Hey Sunshine. I can’t sleep, are you up?

Yeah. What’s keeping you up? 🗨️

Keeping it quiet, I get up to make myself some tea. Oliver is too up.

“Hey, buddy. I didn’t wake you did I?”

I pick him up once the kettle is on and head to the couch.

💬 My thoughts are taunting me. I was still worried about you. Did you get any sleep? I didn’t wake you, did I?

No, I had a long nap earlier. Sorry, I forgot to text you when I got home. I didn’t mean to keep you worrying. 🗨️

Grabbing the cover off the back of the couch and pulling it around me, the scent of Kalston still lingers on it from the night before. I breathe it in and let the peace settle over me. But it quickly turns to longing.

I wonder if he’s up?

‘Stop! Seeing him in the middle idea will give the wrong idea.’

What if he’s worried too?

‘He’ll be fine. It’s not a good idea when you’re feeling this way late at night.’

But-

‘But nothing. Just stay home. You will see him tomorrow anyway.’

Listening to the rational thing to do, it doesn’t stop my heart from aching. From craving to be with him right now. I’ve noticed that too happening a lot.

My phone chiming again distracts me from a thought forming that wants to sway me from my current stance to stay home. Whether true or not, my mom was the one who taught me about thoughts not looking the same as they do in the light of day. ‘Never make final decisions when the sun’s not up.’

Wait, mom never said that. But, then where did I hear it?

Again my mind threatens me to wander off before I remind myself of Matt’s message.

💬 It’s fine. I’m just glad you’re okay. But, maybe you should get back to resting. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t let my worry keep you up.

He really cares, doesn’t he?

“Yeah, and you’re leading him on.”

A whisper seeming to come out of nowhere, my stomach drops as I stay petrified for a moment.

What was that?

‘Nothing, you’re too in your head.’

No… That was definitely a voice.

The kettle whistles, and I jump both from fright and realizing that it’s going to wake Bailey.

Crap!

Rushing to it, I try to rationalize what that could have been. The longer I think back to it, the more I’m convinced it didn’t happen. At least not really.

It must have been the noises making it sound like someone.

‘That makes sense.’

I have a habit of that happening. When they’re are noises around me, especially combined with multiple sources, it’s not uncommon for my ears to play tricks on me and make it sound like something else. Living not too far from the main road, we hear vehicles constantly along with a train not too far and construction building more housing near our place. Not that long ago a loud 18-wheeler went by and it sounded like wailing from multiple voices to me. For a moment I was convinced it was the sounds of hell, but that would be crazy. I still can’t comfortably listen to static. So, with the kettle and the cars going by, that has to be it.

No, it’s fine. It really wasn’t you. I was already up, and couldn’t sleep. 🗨️

💬 I’m sorry. At least you’re not up alone.

That is a plus. Thank you for keeping me company. I’m not keeping you up am I?🗨️

💬 I’m always up for keeping you company, Sunshine. And no, you’re not.

💬 What are you up to now?

I’m on the couch texting you. What are you up to? 🗨️

‘You’re stringing the guy along while falling for someone else.’

That’s not true. I’ve made my intentions with us clear. We’re only friends, and he knows that.

‘You say that, but the man still has feelings for you that you are playing with.’

I am not! I’m being nice. I’m being a good friend, and so is he. Caring about someone doesn’t mean you are playing with their feelings.

‘Maybe not if you didn’t have feelings as well you’re playing too much with.’

I don’t…

…

Okay, whether I have feelings for him or not doesn’t change that I purposely made it clear we are just friends. I would never try to hurt someone like that.

Not the way…

I couldn’t put someone through the same.

‘Whatever you say.’

My phone chimes and I rush to grab it.

💬 Thinking of you. It’s hard to keep you off my mind sometimes.

…

‘Told you.’

Nothing! You told me nothing. I already knew he likes me. This proves nothing.

‘Okay, but now that you got him to tell you this, how are you going to respond?’

I… I don’t know. I need a moment to think.

‘You should step back. If you don’t it’s going to hurt everyone.’ (Gold)

Trying to come up with a response, I back out of a few before settling on one I’m still not certain about. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to reciprocate his feelings. Having a crush on him or not, it’s Kalston I’m in love with.

I get it, I am pretty awesome. 🗨️

No! You seem insensitive!

‘Too late now. You already sent it.’

I KNOW!

Maybe he’ll see that I was trying to be funny.

‘He could, or it could put him off of you completely. What if he thinks you’re trying to make fun of him? You already made it clear you don’t want to date him, and now you’re only rubbing salt in the wound.’

You’re right. What if he does?

‘Stop. Take a breath.  He won't think that, so stop overthinking it.’

Okay. In, and out.

Matt’s message comes through.

💬 You really are. Are you ready for Thanksgiving?

I am. Are you? 🗨️

💬 I am too.

Have you been reading any further in John?🗨️

💬Only a couple chapters. Every time I go to read, my mind kind of gets distracted.

I get that way too sometimes. It’s like you can read the same section on repeat and every time you’re through, your mind can’t remember fully what you read.🗨️

💬Something about doing it with you helps me retain it better.

Well, I guess that means we need to see each other as often as possible.🗨️

💬I guess so.

Do you have any plans for today? 🗨️

Another text comes through from outside Matt’s and my conversation. Taking a look at the time before clicking into his text, I realize how not so late it is now. It’s more morning than night. The sun is even beginning to peak through the shades some.

Kalston? Is he up this late too?

💬Goodmorning, Love <3. Would you like to join me for breakfast?

Yes!

‘Uh, what about Matt? You’re going to go from texting him all night to dropping him once Kalston messages you. That’s a bit selfish, don’t you think?’

It’s not like that. I can still text him while spending time with Kalston.

‘And you don’t see a problem with that? Splitting your attention? The least you could do is focus it on one person at a time. You have enough trouble paying attention as is.’

Okay then. I’ll make an excuse to stay home. I have to get some Editing done anyway.

‘Good job, lie to Kalston why don’t you? That’s worse, isn’t it? You haven’t seen him since your episode. What if he’s worried about you? What if he wants to make sure you’re okay? You saw how broken up he was yesterday after what happened.’

Okay, fine... I’ll go with the original plan then.

 I would love breakfast together. My place or yours? 🗨️

💬It’s still early, so why not my place and let Bailey sleep in? She got in late.

Your place sounds nice, just give me about thirty minutes? I’m going to take a quick shower before heading over.🗨️

💬I could always join you with that shower.

You’re a brat. 🗨️

💬That wasn’t a no.

No, I’ll pleasantly take my shower alone.🗨️

💬 Will there be singing this morning?

Oh… So, you’ve heard? Sorry, about that. I know I’m not that great, but I still love to sing.🗨️

💬Hey, being passionate about something doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. I might have to join you next time I hear. I’m a bit of an off-key singer too.

I’m jumping in. See you in a moment.🗨️

Checking Matt’s message before stepping in the shower, I still feel a little bad for focusing more on Kalston now.

💬Not a whole lot, maybe to the gym for a bit.

💬You?

I’m going to try to get some editing done. I’m aiming to get this post done before tomorrow. 🗨️