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(Matt's POV)

I’m not sure what to do. I keep trying not to let the anxiety of not knowing overtake me. Madison never messaged back, so I’m left in the dark about how things are with her right now. If she’s even made it home safe or if another episode happened. My thoughts try even harder to make me think of the worst case, but I’m trying not to call and let my emotions cloud me from the right decision. I know better than then to show weakness like that.

‘She forgot about you like everyone does.’

It’s not like that. She had reason to have me last on her mind.

‘If she cared enough, she would have remembered.’

It’s not like that. She’s not.

‘You keep making yourself a fool by letting yourself want someone’s affection that clearly doesn’t care.’

She does care.

‘Really? Are you so certain about that? What about him? What about Kalston?’

…

“Stop it.”

Voicing the command allowed, it’s my way to help hear it better than keeping it in my head. To remind myself I’m in control.

‘She made it clear she doesn’t see you more than a friend, and it’s obvious why. He’s simply better than you. He’s everything she wants. Second place as always. Too bad you don’t have something to give that he doesn’t.’

‘Maybe if you tried harder, you could have been the one to save her. Maybe then she would have a reason to care for you more than she does him.’

‘It’s best anyway. She deserves better than you. She’s a light you’d extinguish. You’d suffocate her. The evil you are, it’s too far gone to be turned back. You’re a monster, but, so is he. He’s trying to take the one thing that could save you away.’

How’s that even true?

‘You knew her first. You saw her first. If not for him coming when he did, she would be wanting you instead of him.’

…

‘If you just had a little more time before he came into the picture, things would have turned out differently.’

‘Maybe things can still turn out different if you try a little harder.’

Maybe.

I can’t sleep. No matter how hard I try to calm my thoughts enough for me to do so, they keep finding their way back to the endless loop they usually find themselves in. Instead of trying any further, I find myself giving up and scrolling on my phone looking for an outlet to distract myself with. Almost instantly, I find myself on Madison’s blog. It’s something I’ve been on often. Almost as if reading her words and thoughts has been a way for me to get to know her in a way that I can’t always when she’s with me. Even over texts, it’s as if she’s far more willing to express herself more fully behind a screen than in person. She’s mentioned before to me that it’s easier for her to put her thoughts more clearly in writing than when spoken. I don’t know fully why. Maybe it’s the way she is, something from her past giving her confliction when speaking them aloud, or the way online and antinomy can give people freedom in ways that in-person doesn’t, or a mixture of all.

I do notice that herself online seems more burdened at times than she’s willing to show when around her. Even more so when finding a profile that was hidden. It’s unmistakably hers with similarities subtlely there. Maybe others can’t so easily make the distinction, but to me, it’s her. Though the posts on there have been silent for a few years now. I’m not sure what caused her to stop posting on it, but there is a commonality in that too. It seems as though the profile has gone dark a couple of other times before she started posting again. It seems to have been started while she was still in high school. 

I’ll have to ask her about it.

There is something that sticks out to me now on her main blog now after reading through her private one. She talked about past trauma and how it still can affect you in your current life. How forgiveness doesn’t mean breaking boundaries. How trigger points don’t mean a grudge is still held. She briefly goes over an experience she had in the past but never gets into it fully. On her private one, she talks about something similar but gets more specific. Or at least as specific as that account gets. Even though it seems to be one she’s more personal with, she still for some reason is careful not to give anything to revealing away. As if she’s afraid someone specific might stumble upon it.

Who are you afraid of, Sunshine?

The desire rises again to talk to her, but this time the urge takes over and a message is sent before I change my mind. My regret takes over once she replies relatively quickly.

‘Good job. She needs rest and here you are keeping her up.’

But am I? That was pretty fast for her to have been asleep.

‘Whether she was asleep or not doesn’t mean anything. Maybe she’s having trouble sleeping and now you gave her the distraction she needed to give up on it. Do you really want to be the reason she has another episode?’

No.

Trying to figure out if that was the case, she assures me that it wasn’t. A relief settles over me along with that of also knowing she’s okay. My night grows a little brighter with each text exchanged. Talking to her always seems to do that for me. She seems to have the same issues as me at times, and I hope I’ll be able to help her in the ways she’s been helping me.

That would be nice.

‘How could you help anyone?’

By being there when she needs it.

“You’re fooling yourself.”

It’s the first tonight I’ve heard his voice.

“How? If she needs someone, why can’t it be me?”

“Do you not remember earlier? It wasn’t you to snap her out of it.”

“Maybe it could have been. Maybe if I gave it a little bit longer, it could have been me that helped her come out of it?”

“She doesn’t like you! You keep trying to picture something that isn’t there.”

‘He’s right.’

Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still be there for her. Friends do that. I want her in my life and I want to be in hers. If I have to settle with it as only ever friends, I’d rather that than not.

“You’re only going to hurt yourself, Matthias.”

“And what if I’m okay with that? I’m tired of always being on the sidelines. I’m tired of always watching life play out instead of being involved in it. I’m tired of always being alone!”

Meeting Madison that day was something amazing. It was me finally making a move that led into a story of my own. I don’t want to give that up, so I’m willing to settle for something less if that means I get to stay in this story being written.

I let that sink in. Let myself move forward both literally and figuratively. My morning is silent again, but this time it’s not something bad. I continue back and forth with Madison, finding myself smiling and laughing, it feels great to enjoy spending the morning with someone else even if they aren’t here. I find myself even excited for tomorrow and how I’ll get to see her again. How I’ll try harder to be what she needs. I want to be a friend she can’t live without the way she’s beginning to be with me.

Maybe then she won’t leave me.