It was like that for an entire year, before Louis got tired of everything. He confronted her, asking her what the problem was. But it was a mistake. Lucena ended up saying things that he didn’t expect.
“The problem? You’re the problem. I hate you! I hate you, I hate you so much! If only it wasn’t for you, if only you didn’t exist! You’re the reason for everything! I hate you! I don’t want to see you, if only you would just disappear–”
Lucena screamed. It shocked Louis. He was silent for a long time, not knowing what to do. His sister hated him. All he wanted was for his dear sister to be happy, but he was the reason for her unhappiness. If only he didn’t exist…she probably would’ve been so much happier.
Her words hurt him…so much.
In the end, all he said was, “Fine.” And he left. He asked their father to allow him to attend the Imperial Academy. There, he spent a long and dreadful year.
Louis hated people. Especially people who only praise him and love him for his title as the Blessing, and see him as their savior. He hated them so much that he didn’t allow them to speak with him. Yet during his stay in the academy, he not only allowed others to speak with him, he also surrounded himself with such people and relished their attention.
It gave him a sense of superiority, a sense of freedom and happiness. But it was all superficial. Whenever he looked in the mirror, he couldn’t recognize himself. And he couldn’t help but think about the sister he left behind.
Was she eating well?
Was she wearing warm clothes?
Was she drying her hair properly before she went to sleep?
Were the servants treating her properly?
Was there anyone taking care of her?
His father promised that he’ll take care of her and be by her side, especially when she’s sick, but when he thought of the painful seizures she experience, and the fact that he noticed that they were happening more frequently as they grew up…he wondered if there was anyone by her side when she’s in so much pain.
He despised the fact that he wasn’t there for her in moments she needed it the most.
He despised the fact that he was there in the academy, enjoying a life of freedom, when she’s stuck in the castle, not able to run and play as she wished.
He despised the fact that he looked so healthy when he got a sister at home who’s gravely ill.
He was overcome by guilt that he left her on her own to suffer in that cold and lonely palace, all by herself. To bear with the pain of her illness on her own.
If only they could trade lives, he’s more than willing to bear all her burdens for her. He was ready to do anything to make her happy, just as much as her mere presence gave him so much comfort and happiness. He couldn’t think of any other wish.
He wanted to go home so badly. He thought of that everyday, and yet, he couldn't bring himself to return.
A year after he attended the academy, he went home after a long while. There wasn’t any particular reason. He saw the gloomy sky and just felt like he needed too, or else he would regret it.
Throughout the entire journey he felt suffocated and he had this uneasy feeling on his chest that wouldn’t go away no matter what he did. He forced the entourage to rush quickly back home without rest, making the usually week-long journey to last in just 3 days.
It was night when he arrived. And as soon as the carriage stopped, he ran out without even waiting for the coachman to open the door for him, and quickly went straight to his sister’s room.
What he found devastated him.
Lucena was sleeping peacefully, barely breathing. Her complexion was so pale that she looked like the moon and her hair had also turned white. It seems like she cut her hair. It was no longer long and curly like he remembered, but instead, the two of them looked so much alike, that they were practically the same person.
She felt so fragile when he touched her. Instinctively, he knew that his sister was dying. He knew that night was his last chance to even get a glimpse of her breathing.
And she was all alone.
At first he was angry at their father. Why had he left her? But inside his mind, he also realized that Lucena probably told their father to leave. That’s just the person she was, he understood then. Lucena wasn’t the type to share her burdens. Instead, she would rather deal with the pain alone than to see anyone else suffer because of her.
He realized then too late.
The hurtful words that Lucena said towards him, he now understood. They weren’t meant for him, but for herself.
He despised himself for being so blind as to not see what his sister was going through, all on her own.
It was the reason why he didn’t think twice to do anything he could to save her. Even if it was futile, he really…wanted to make it up for her. He fought desperately, but he didn’t intend to die.
Alas, it happened.
Louis was the one who started that promise.
“Cena, you have to promise me that you’ll never leave me. We’ll have to stay together forever.”
I’m sorry….
I’m sorry for not understanding things sooner.
I’m sorry for leaving you.
It’s all my fault.
His sole wish was for their family to be happy, where his sister is no longer sick and suffering.
Facing the jaws of death, he was scared. He wanted to live.
He didn’t want to die.
“Louis.”
Said a voice, pulling Louis out from drowning in his own memories and bringing him back to reality.
***
Louis stared at me for a long time, complicated emotions swirled in his eyes yet they were still warm as the pair of amethysts gazed at me.
“Cena.”
He called out to me after that long silence. Louis pulled me into a tight hug. His slender figure trembled as he held me, he said;
“When I found you that night…I was scared. I hated myself, realizing that if I didn’t listen to my gut feeling and didn’t rush home, you would’ve died all alone. I would’ve lost you. And the last words we would have last spoken to each other were words of hate.”
He chuckled dryly,
“But you know, Cena. I couldn’t hate you no matter what.”
“...I feel the same.”
I replied meekly.
“I just thought...I wanted you to be happy even without me.” I said after careful consideration. “But you felt responsible for me, even if you didn’t have to. I didn’t want to be a burden. I wanted you to be free. I thought it was the only way. And I asked you.”
“What?”
“I asked if you were happy and you couldn’t give me an answer.”
I said, causing Louis to fall silent.
Growing up, Louis and I didn’t really live a life of happiness.
There were a lot of factors that caused this. For one, I was always sick, if not on the brink of death, causing much distress to Louis and Father. We really didn’t have any friends either, and the only people we could find company with were each other.
And besides Father, we couldn’t really trust anyone. We could pretend not to hear anything but we knew what the people thought of us. I was always the one at fault for every misfortune people experience, while Louis was only valued as the Goddess’s Blessing. No one really bothered to call our names.
At first, it was okay since we had each other and Father who showered us with so much love, but as time went by, it only got harder and harder. Father’s time at home gradually decreased, my illness got worse and worse, and Louis’s burden continued to increase. Soon, it became unbearable. But there was no one to blame. As children, it was tiring.
“I caused you pain. You didn’t deny it. I’m sure, I’m also the reason why you hurt yourself, no?”
“That’s true but…I can’t live without you either.”
Louis said, burying his face in my shoulder.
“You understand right?”
I do.
Since I lost Louis once already, I knew how painful it was to lose someone dear to me. I barely survived because I didn’t want Father to go through that pain of losing his child once again. And when even Father died, I lived only because Leo didn’t allow me to die. Otherwise, I would’ve long since followed Louis and Father to the afterlife.
It was a frightening feeling. Since Louis died, I felt like I lost half of myself, and all hope and meaning to my life was gone. I kept searching for Louis even though I knew that he was no longer with us, that Father had to console me every night even though he could barely keep himself together as well.
I felt an unbearable amount of guilt.
If only Louis hadn’t died, if only I was the one who died instead as it was supposed to in the first place, would everything have been better?
Or…better yet, if I only hadn't been born.
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