I get ready for the day and am mixed with so many emotions that it’s hard to pin exactly all that they are. I’m excited, Jackson’s coming over for Thanksgiving, it’s the first time we are spending time with each other outside of the clinic and school. It’s also what’s making me nervous, and regretful. I like spending time with him, but it’s like meeting a new person in a way. Taking someone you know from one environment to another, it’s hard for my brain to remember that it’s fine, that they are the same, that things can be the same. All I keep doing is overthinking it and feeling this weird mess of things. It’s hard not to let the chaos overtake me.

‘Everything’s going to be fine.’

But what if he thinks I’m weird?

‘He already does.’

What if I screw up? What if I do something that scares him? What if he changes his mind about me because he sees me differently? What if he didn’t really want to come over, and was just being polite?

Oh, God! Is that true? Did I pressure him, and that’s why he said yes?

‘You’re fine. You’re overthinking it.’

What if I’m not thinking enough about it? What if my family doesn’t like him, and it makes him shut down? What if they do, and they overwhelm him? What if-

‘STOP! You’re freaking yourself out.’

I know, but still…

‘Still nothing. Calm down, it will all be okay.’

‘It’s not going to be. You really screwed up by inviting him over.’

I DID!

‘You’re spiraling. Remember what they said. Stop, and take a breath. Focus on your breath to help stop the thoughts from overwhelming you.’

You’re right. Just breathe.

In…

And, out…

In…

And, out…

I repeat the process a few more times and find myself calming down.

There’s nothing I can do to change things, so I need to take it one step at a time. No point in worrying over things that haven’t even happened.

I focus instead on finishing getting ready. It’s what I can control. That and fixing up my room before I leave. Everything needs to be in its spot to help me feel best.

“Hey, Madison!”

My sister Sydney barges into my room which makes me both jump from being startled and get angry for her coming in without knocking first. Again. She knows my stance on it as it’s a fight we’ve had consistently. She rolls her eyes when noticing my anger about it.

“Chill, I forgot. Don’t overreact, okay? But, for real, Mom wants to know if you took her shirt? The one with the ruffles?”

A little frustrated that the finger is pointed at me when Sydney is always the one to steal Mom’s clothes, it’s not the first time I’ve been blamed for things.

“Uh, no. Did you take it?”

Another annoyed look from her, she responds in a tone reflecting the same.

“Yeah, because that’s totally why I would have wasted my time checking with you. No, I haven’t. Now if it was Mom’s green dress, I pull it off better anyway. But for real, I saw you wear it Friday, so where is it?”

Frustrated again, I know for a fact I didn’t take Mom’s shirt. Especially not Friday. Why would I wear it to the clinic?

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s in the Laundry. It’s been piled up for almost a week, has she checked downstairs?”

Her eyes glance at my laundry basket and heads towards it.

“Hey, not mine! I already told you I didn’t wear it, so why can’t you just take my word for it.”

I run over to the basket, trying to pull it away, but it only turns into a tug-a-war before one of the handles breaks in my grip, and clothes scatter all over the floor. One in particular catches my eye, Mom’s ruffled shirt.

But, why is it in my basket?

“Yeah, sure, I should totally take your word for it next time, right?”

Looking up at her after she grabs Mom’s shirt, I’m flustered before angry.

“What? You thought you could put it in my basket, and convince me that I took it? Really, Sydney? Seriously, you’re unbelievable. How would you even know it was there? You obviously put it there so Mom would blame me.”

She tightens her eyes at me before her voice raises with a breathy laugh.

“You’re really something, you know that. Poor, Maddy, always the victim even when caught red-handed. Whatever.”

“Mom, found your shirt!”

She shouts allowed, and I’m stuck with anger and defeat. I’m always the one blamed, always. But I get it, of course, Mom’s going to think I did it!

I storm out of my room, no longer worried about anything, but getting out of here.

“I hate you!” I spit the words at my sister when walking passed.

Another voice yells at me instead of hers as I head out the front door, it’s Jonathan’s.

“Maddy! Where are you going?!”

I don’t even look back.

“I’m going to Grandma’s!”

“Hold on, I’ll walk with you.”

Uncaring at this point, I keep walking. It’s only a mile to our Grandma’s house and not the first time I’ve walked it alone. Or I guess not so alone as Jonathan makes his way to me.

“Hey, what’s the deal?”

Still seething, my tone shows as such when replying to him.

“I’m just tired of living with her! I can’t even have my own space without her coming into it! I get blamed for everything, and it only leads to being easily framed now apparently! Sydney put Mom’s shirt in my basket, and now of course I’m going to be blamed for taking it from Mom! Of course, it’s going to be her word over mine again!”

Jonathan slows down before speeding back up to match my pace.

My anger now threatens to make me cry as the hurt makes itself more evident, but I push it back down.

“You mean the shirt you asked Mom to wear last Friday?”

Now I’m the one to stop.

Great, even Jonathan’s blaming me. Can’t I have one person on my side? Just one?!

I turn to him, still barely holding the tears back. My body feeling like it’s filling with the mix of emotions threatening to burst out. Like it’s vibrating through me in a way that makes me want to do anything to get it out. Scream, break something, hurt someone… just anything.

I’ve had this feeling many times before, and it’s what usually leads me to hurt myself instead of others. Usually by trashing my room so at least I’m the only one who will later be affected by the tantrum. It always sucks when my head is clear again, but it’s better than later regretting taking it out on someone else. I talked about it with my therapist last week.

“I didn’t wear it! Why is everyone trying to convince me that I did? I think I would know if I wore something or not, especially something that’s not mine. Seriously, I’m not stupid!”

I go back to walking, snapping the band on my wrist. It’s a habit I formed to keep me from letting my emotions take over. To help focus on one pain easier to manage and block out the rest.

I’m tired of this family!

I’m tired of being here!

I just want to leave! I just want to be by myself! I want out of this stupid life controlled by others! At least if I was alone, I wouldn’t have to worry about always being the issue. I could finally be free.

‘You could. You could run away.’

I could.

‘But they’d find you. You’re stuck.’

“Maddy, try to think about Friday.”

Frustrated at Jonathan’s suggestion, it’s stupid. But I do it anyway. I think back, but of course, I can’t remember much of it. I almost drop it until I realize that the unremebrence is more focused than simply a day being fuzzy. No, it’s only part of it. I have ADHD, so it’s not often that I can make clear specific days. There are certain memories that stick out, but putting them on specific days is harder the farther back they are. I can put them mostly in order by the things in the memory, like where I am, how old I am, and details like that, but lining them up perfectly is always hard.

But this memory, or lack thereof, is different.

“What did we do that day?”

Asking, I’m hoping that maybe Jonathan telling me what he remembers will help me make the day out more.

“We waited for the bus, and you were reading that book you checked out the day before, I can’t remember the title, but it had butterflies on the cover.

The third of the Graystone Manner series, I remember that. I started it the night before and woke up early just to read more before school.

“Getting to school, we put the flag up, but you choose to head into the library instead. Jackson joined you.

I remember that too. The library is more quiet than the cafeteria in the mornings.

“I saw you on occasion in the halls between classes, you were still reading, but the next time we actually were together was waiting for the bus like usual. You, Laine, Jackson, and Becca were talking. You were four were on the grass, you laying down in Becca’s lap with Laine playing his Bekko as usual. You and Jackson were passing notes.

I remember that too. It’s our way of talking to each other without worry of others to hear what we’re talking about. We still have to be cautious with Alder able to know though.

“We got home, you took your medication, and had to get ready for the clinic and asked Mom if you could borrow her shirt. She made you promise to wash it, and then you went to the clinic an hour later. You came home after six like usual and stayed in your room the rest of the night.”

It’s there that I realize things are fuzzy. I remember taking my medicine, but things after that blur together until waking up the next day.

“****!”

“Maddy!”

Laughing at me, it’s no surprise my swearing would take Jonathan off guard. I don’t really do it often, but have started to on occasions. Everybody else does, so why can’t I?

“How about we not swear? It doesn’t sound right from you, but what is it? You remember wearing Mom’s shirt now?”

Frustrated even more so, I’m beginning to realize that more of my memories are being stolen.

It’s not enough that they take whole years from me, but days during those years too?

“No, but I’m sure I did. I guess I owe Sydney an apology.”

More stings on my wrists, I’m not sure what to make of this new realization. I do know that I have to figure something out.

It’s not fair!

‘No, but what can you do about it?’

Something. I just need to figure out what that something is.

‘I’m sure you will.’

‘Or not. It’s not like you are that smart with things. You screw things up, you’ll probably screw this up too.’

What? I am smart…

Right?

‘Of course you are.’

‘Yeah, right.’

Heading up Grandma’s driveway, I notice a familiar car here.

“Cool! Zach’s here already.”

Jonathan runs a bit ahead before turning back before the stairs.

“You good now, Maddy?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Thank you though for walking me through Friday.”

“No problem. It’s not the first time you forgot something. Seriously, I thought that Zalaph was supposed to be helping with that, but it seems like they only make things worse for you. Maybe you should ask Mom to try some other place.”

The door opens, and of course, out walks Zach.

“Hey, you two.”

Turning away, I decide to take my walk a bit further down the street to give myself more time to think.

“Uh, Ducky, you coming in?” Zach asks me, and I’m almost tempted to ignore him, but I know Grandma will have my tail if I don’t let someone know where I’m headed.

“I’ll be in in a little. I just wanted to loop the end of the street.”

“Okay, weirdo. I’ll let Grandma know. But don’t be too long, I’m sure she’ll want you in before long.”

Finally quiet, I take a deep breath and my thoughts distract me again.