Amalia

I sit semi-cross-legged on my bed, squeezing my worn-out Pillow Person, Winkleberry, into my chest, my chin resting on her sunken head. Dad brought her home when my best friend from kindergarten moved away. The story on the tag said she was everybody's best friend, and she'd keep all your precious secrets. Even though she's worn out, she's invaluable to me. I need her help today to organize my jumbled thoughts and emotions.

If I had gone with Avery to Lakeside to get her platinum hair dyed black with purple highlights, a whim caused by her attraction to the newest member of Sebastian's emo band, I could have avoided the current situation. Then, I wouldn't have learned from Tarran that Talan is actually the guy in the picture Jaxon painted for me long ago. Although it hurts, it's better for me to know it now.

Talan either intentionally misled me or I misinterpreted an innocent peck on the cheek, which he may use to say goodbye to girls in his family.

How could Tarran even say Talan wishes something would happen between us when all other indications suggest Talan feels differently? If Tarran meant it as a compliment, he failed miserably because it's an insult to my intelligence.

I should have acknowledged several warning signs, especially one red flag at the beginning of the summer. I allowed it to make me feel special instead of revealing Talan's true feelings about me, as it should have now that I think about it.

Last Summer

Minus Jaxon and Talan, we spent the day at the pool the first day it opened for the summer. While Kade and Erik munched hotdogs at the concession stand, Kinsley and I took our last dives. She performed a forward dive that brought her from the deep end to the center of the pool while I attempted a back dive pike but slipped off the springboard with my right foot. When I plunged, splashing into the pool at an awkward angle, a swell of rushing water ballooned under the top of my two-piece swimming suit. I surfaced, disoriented and gasping for air, clutching my chest to release the water as I swam to the pool's edge.

"Sexy backflop!" The boisterous voice yelled from near the lifeguard, belonging to one of two guys at the pool's edge, dangling their feet into the water below her. "I was hoping her tits fell out before she hit the water."

My blood went cold as the hairs on my arms stood on end, signaling danger.

The lifeguard told him to shut up and grow up. I recognized her from an article in the local paper about her acceptance to Columbia University a year ago, so I knew she was in college. I suspected one was her boyfriend because she hung out with them during breaks.

I ignored their vulgar remarks and lifted myself from the pool, feeling disgusted, ashamed, and afraid they were watching me. 

Another voice called my name from beyond the pool fence, a familiar one, giving me instant security. Talan stood a few feet away, his fingers poking through the fence wiring, naturally tanned and toned in a white tank top, the early golden sunset a backdrop outlining his form. Of all the dives I'd taken during the day, he witnessed my failed attempt. Fate's cruel irony.

As I approached him, wringing water from my hair, he greeted me with a dazzling smile.

Sporting a grin to hide the discomfort caused by those assholes, I explained to Talan. "I fell off the board, but fear not. I nailed that dive all day."

My mild joke only elicited a smirk from him. "Are you doing all right?"

"It's nothing. It didn't even hurt." I changed the subject. "Did you come for the evening swimming hours?"

He shook his head. "No, I just got bored at home. I'm waiting for Jaxon to finish work." Jaxon worked at the lumberyard as part of the summer youth work program.

Kinsley approached us, asking Talan for a ride home for all of us, and said, "Kade and Erik are already in the locker room changing."

When Jaxon came home later, he told Erik and me that Talan got banned from the pool for fighting.

"That's weird. Talan told me he wasn't planning on swimming," I said. I saw no sign Talan was planning on fighting; he seemed in a fine mood when he dropped us off.

"According to Talan, he was innocently hanging out in the park when he saw someone who needed his ass kicked, and when I asked him why. All he said was, 'He knows why.'"

"So, if that happened in the park, why is he banned from the pool?" Erik asked.

"The guy he beat up was with a lifeguard who had just finished her shift. So now, Talan is sitting at Chase and Rayna's place, wondering if someone will press charges against him."

My hands came to the sides of my face as I gasped out. "Oh, no!" I'd assumed Talan didn't hear the embarrassing remarks because of how noisy the pool area was and the smile on his face when I approached him. He didn't seem angry at all.

"Relax, Ama," Jaxon said, rolling his eyes at my overly animated reaction.

Erik said, "Talan wouldn't start a fight over nothing, so if he said the guy needed his ass kicked, then the guy needed his ass kicked."

"I agree," Jaxon said. "I just hope he's not in trouble."

After I thought it over, it was hot but not okay. I couldn't allow Talan to get himself in trouble or injured because of me.

So, when Talan came over the next day while Jaxon was at work and Erik was at the pool again, I thanked him for sticking up for me and not telling Jaxon and the others about the ugly words said to me. Then I tried to get him to promise not to fight on my behalf again. We bickered about it.

Talan was unapologetic and unmovable. "I don't care about the consequences, and fuck those guys. What do you think Jaxon would've done if he heard what I heard?"

I had no choice but to admit he would have flipped out.

"Exactly, so it had to be done."

"No, it didn't. That creep was just stupid."

"Well, it wasn't a stupid reason to fight him. Anybody would have done the same for someone they're in..." He coughed and finished his statement... "In their family."

Could that be it? 

Did Talan feel weird about us because of how close he is to our family? And that's why he changed his mind. Or maybe I'm just an idiot, reaching for another explanation because I don't want to believe it's much simpler; Talan just isn't into me.

Voices carry from outside, and the robust tone belonging to him trails its way through my unopened window, triggering an increase in my heart rate fused with anxiety.

What pane of glass?

It's hard to believe I have one with the way all the outside sounds invade my room whenever I prefer nothing less than deafening silence.

A knock at the front door follows Kinsley, Kade, and Talan's casual chit-chat. I don't want to see him! But I can't be mad at him because we aren't dating and never were. Should he have acted like it? Still, I feel wounded, disappointed, and furious at him. I rub my temple, feeling more distressed.

A split second later, I spring to my feet and tiptoe across my bedroom, cracking my door open and sticking my head out the doorway to hear his voice. Mom says, "Now, don't get too much taller. Remember, I'm saving Amalia for you."

Her ridiculousness makes me cringe. Nobody wants to hear that kind of remark. It was disturbing enough when we were younger, but now that we're older, it sounds insane.

"I'll try not to," Talan says with laughter.

"Holy buckets, you grew!" Dad says, "What is it now, five-eleven?"

"More like six feet."

Six feet! I have half a crazy mind to run downstairs and throw myself around him like I did with Tarran. Really, Amalia? How much more rejection can I take?

"Where is everyone?" Talan asks.

"I sent the boys to the grocery store. They should be home soon. Amalia's upstairs. She claims she's not feeling well..." The rest of Mom's words straggle off.

Claims?

Squinting in anger, I shake my head. She's relentless. Furious over her attempts to accomplish who knows what—another reason I shouldn't have exposed my feelings for Talan to anyone—I quietly shut my door. Just as I'm about to switch on my stereo to drown out the lower-level sounds and distract myself from missing Talan, I hear footsteps on the staircase.

I might have guessed Mom wouldn't let me hide in my room, but this is my opportunity to get her alone and tell her to stop interfering because nothing is happening between me and Talan. Wrenching the door open, my heart leaps out of my body, making me fall breathless.

Talan's charming smile, which always makes me weak in the knees, lights up his eyes. Even now, he maintains all his perfection. My mouth attempts to smile back, and I bite my lip. I'm a lost cause. Lowering my eyes, I assemble my defenses and say, "Hi, Talan."

"What, no hug for me?"

I reach to give him a light hug. Not only is he taller, but I can also feel he's more muscular. His embrace on my lower back brings me back to my senses. I push his shoulders away from me with my fingertips, turning away as I say, "Sorry, Talan. I'm not feeling well."

"I know. Your mom told us. What's wrong?"

Wrapping my arms around my waist, I mutter while sitting on my bed. "What are you doing up here? You don't have to humor her, you know?"

"I wasn't. I wanted to come up and see you."

A grimace appears on my face. Well, you don't have to humor me.

Confusion washes over his expression as he retreats a step. "Sorry, you're not feeling good."

Don't leave. "Wait!" I'll deal with my conflicting emotions later, so I smile to lighten the mood. "I'm well enough. Come in and tell me about your school?"

His rigid shoulders loosen, and he pushes at the door. As usual, it sticks to the carpet before it can close. After we both eye the pile of folded sweaters on my chair, I scoot toward the head of my bed, and he sits near the end. A tense atmosphere with a prickly undertone lingers between us.

He says, "I like it, but mainly because it has a larger student body, which means a greater variety of sports and classes that'll open up better opportunities for me in the future. But dorm living is hard to get used to."

"What's that like?" 

The way he lifts Winkleberry and absentmindedly fiddles with her while answering me shows he's uncomfortable, too. "I share a suite with three guys, so someone is always around, and I need my space. I might have liked it better if I could have roomed with Tarran and Gage, but I registered too late." I watch him pull Winkleberry against the protruding pecs visible through the fabric of his snug pullover sweatshirt.

"Because of the dorm rules, I don't get to spend as much time with my sister, Telah, as I would like. I have a lot of friends, but I still miss..." When he glances downward, he notices her in his embrace and his face scrunches. "What the hell?"

I laugh at the surprise in his eyes, which eases the awkwardness in the air. He joins in on the laughter. "You don't sleep with this creepy thing, do you, Ama?"

"No. It's a classic. According to my dad, they're no longer being produced. I can't believe you're only just seeing it." I signal to the corner. "It's always on that nightstand."

"Huh." He dangles her around in his hands, examining her for another couple of seconds, then hands her back to me. "Looks like someone beat her one too many times. So, back to what I was saying. I missed everyone here. It was hard without you all."

It was hard without you. "We missed you, too."

The sense of easiness I'd call normal between us before the movie had surfaced. It feels nice, making me wish we could return to when Talan was unaware of my attraction and I was oblivious to his indifference. I'd like to consider the handholding a fulfilled curiosity between us of whether we stood a chance and let it go. Talan did nothing wrong. When he left, he even told me he didn't make promises to anyone. It was my mistake not accepting his not coming over before he left or calling me while at Chemawa for its meaning; he doesn't feel like I do.

As the realization dawns on me, a sudden gloom engulfs me. I can't help but sigh and furrow my brows as I frown. 

Talan asks, "What's that look all about?"

With a desire to resolve the situation, I briefly shift my gaze, summoning confidence before facing him. "It doesn't have to be weird between us or anything, Talan. I mean. Things got mixed up before you left, but let's forget about that."

He stiffens, pinning his eyes on mine. "What? Why?"

Perplexed and insulted by the question, I snap at him. "Why?"

Heavy thuds barreling up the stairs interrupt our conversation, prompting me to finish a spontaneous reason in my head. Because, you're you. I'm lame, and we don't feel the same for one another.

Talan stands as the door gapes.

Kinsley stops at the doorway with a strange look on her face. Kade strolls inside, asking, "Are you two coming down? Jaxon and Erik just drove up."

Talan says, "So, your mom and dad are taking us to dinner. Pizza, I think. Are you coming, or are you too sick?"

I'm more confused than ever and don't care to sit at a table with everyone, holding up a happy charade. 

"She's not too sick. Come with us, Ama," Kade says.

Kade’s infectious energy brings a grin to my lips. “Sure, Kade, just because you asked me.”

I intend to power through the evening by treating Talan as if nothing unusual ever occurred, hoping to return our friendship to a comfortable place. If possible.