It’s another morning that feels nice with a hint of worry lying underneath. It’s been that way for the past couple. Though Maddy has said that she’s fine, and nothing else has been shown that should make me worry, there’s this twist in my gut that keeps me thinking something’s bound to. That something is coming to tear our happiness away. I know it has a lot to do with my being in her life being built on a lie, and it’s going to come out eventually, but that was before, and somehow it doesn’t even compare to the worry now. Or at least the amount of worry is the same, but with it placed on the scale to fall more towards a different side. Now, if…

No. When she finds out, if…

Again, when she pushes me away, I don’t know how I’ll be able to protect her. Before it was to protect her from him and his life. From danger in general, but this… How do you protect someone from their own mind? At least while I’m with her, I can try to do something. Before, I thought that at least she would be fine enough to move on after she pushes me away, but now, how can I accept that if any of this could break her?

How is that fair?

I can’t even be angry at God, because I’m confused. Normally I’d blame him for this, but I’m not sure what to do. It’s a cruel joke of sorts. Every time I try to protect the ones I love, something always seems to come in the way. I could always blame myself, blame God for putting me in the position, but this, this was all me. I chose to go in this route, to go back to him and take this job, to stay after knowing the kind of person Madison is, and I’m the one still choosing to stay. But even still, Maybe I can do something to help. Do my own work to help get her out of this.

Maybe…

I’m almost tempted to ask for God’s help, but I can’t. That barrier stays there between us, and I choose to take this on alone. I’m used to that.

I know I can at least start today. I can try to use the girls’ family coming over to try and see what they can tell me. I’ll have to be careful, but maybe playing the boyfriend role of just wanting to learn more about Madison will work to stay under the radar. I might not be her boyfriend, but enough is there between us that it shouldn’t raise too much suspicion that I’d be asking.

Should I try to make my affection more clear when others are around?

I still don’t want to overstep with Madison, but I know making things obvious will be the best route.

I’ll leave it up to her. I’ll test the waters and see how she responds. If she pulls back, then I’ll find another way to get the information.

I do have one alternative that I might go with even while doing asking of my own. Heading to the closet, I grab a box hidden in a compartment I made. I also made a false wall yesterday to cover the links I have pinned on the real one. in case anyone does manage to stumble upon the closet and past the locked door.

I’m also not stupid by saying that, just sarcastic if you couldn't tell. I know it won’t be stumbling upon as much as purposefully trying to snoop, and that’s why I have a camera hidden to spot whoever might end up doing that.

The box I have, it has some other toys I can use to do snooping of my own. I grab out some of the bugs I have and slip them into my pocket to lay around Madison’s place. I already have some set up around mine and outside the house, but I’ve been conflicted about bugging her place.

Please, don’t give me issues this time.

I had trouble with some of the other set I had, so I got more. The weird thing is that most of them seemed fine, but there were three I was getting interference with. I have plans to look further into it, but couldn’t just yet. I’m going to try to find different placements for these in case it wasn’t the bugs themselves. It was the porches, back and front, that I was gaining the issue from, so maybe it has to do with an outside variable.

Doing one last check of everything to make sure nothing seems out of the ordinary, I lock the door again and hide the key back in its spot. I also have a throw-away safe as well in the closet in case anyone suspects why I’d lock it. I’ve tried to think of everything. It’s not my first time around, so I’ve been sure to think of all possibilities.

It’s still early, but I promised to help the girls with cooking, so that’s my next venture. I head over to Madison’s and notice the feeling arising again. Like being around her makes me more nervous that something might happen. Like seeing her makes it more real what could…

What it will happen.

It’s hard to accept that one incident is an indicator of more. That it is more rare that someone wouldn’t have another issue arise the same as before than that they would. So, even though I’m fooling myself into thinking this could be different, I also know that it’s only a matter of time before Madison does what ever that was again. But maybe I can figure this out before then and help her?

That’s what I’m hoping. That’s why I’ve been more observant of everything she does. I try not to show it, I know she’s not one that likes to be watched, but I want to be there for her when it happens again. I even did some research about it, and the closest thing I’ve come across that it could have been a PTSD flashback, so maybe that’s it. It’s even more of a reason to find out about her past. I even looked up the medication and company that produces it, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. That in itself makes me worry more that it’s some kind of drug trial, but then, why would there not be any information accessible about it. That only makes me want to look all the more, and I have been. I even have plans to check out things in person, but next week. I can’t let this stay unresolved.

Walking into Madison’s place, she’s on the couch reading.

As beautiful as ever.

I love the way she stays stuck reading. It always makes me want to both watch her do it and tempted to break her consecration. It’s a weird combination.

I sit beside her, the sun peaking in reflecting off her hair, again making it seem like she has a halo. It’s suiting in a way because if anyone can be compared to an angel, I would say she fits that description.

So, why can’t God help you? Why would He let someone like you suffer the way you do?

I guess that’s what happens to good people. Precious things always have to be taken care of because they’re what breaks so easily.

Than I’ll be the one to protect you, Love.

If I do this, you better not let her get hurt.

“Good morning, Love.”

“Good morning. Give me a moment, I have one last paragraph.”

She’s so beautiful.

The way she smiles, I can tell that I’m distracting her from being able to read. I want to care, but find myself instead reaching out to touch her. To brush some fallen hair behind her ear and wanting my touch stay longer.

She finally shuts the book and looks my way a moment longer.

“You look different.”

Hearing her say that, her tone says it’s a good different, but there’s something behind her gaze that seems troubled.

“A good different? I thought I’d be a bit more friendlier in appearance today with meeting everyone. What do you think?”

She’s the one now bringing her hand to me as she runs it through my hair. It’s not something she’s done before, but something I love. Madison’s not the one who usually is so easily the physical one, so her gesture makes me feel like things are different between us. Grown. Something I’m desperately wanting and fearful of. There’s so much going on, I settle on the love I feel for her. The good.

Please, God, don’t take her away from me. Just this once, please… Let me be happy. Let things be okay.

“You look, really nice. Handsome.”

Again, there seems to be a disconnect between the words she says and the meaning beneath her eyes. I decide to trust her words.

Madison always has a lot on her mind, and with today going to be an anxious one for her, I let it be assumed that’s what is leading to the disconnect. She takes her touch away, and I’m already missing it. Her gaze then too is taken away from me.

Love, where’s your head at?

I give soft words with the hope that being sweet this morning will help settle her mind. I want to be the support she needs.

“You know, you’re beautiful in the morning, Love.”

“And what about the rest of the day? I think you’re beautiful every time I see you.”

She tries to be playful, but with her eyes still lingering elsewhere, I know the struggle is still there for her.

I bring her gaze back to mine.

“Love, what am I to do with you? Somehow you steal my heart all the more every time we meet. And yes, you’re beautiful no matter what time of the day it is.”

I want to kiss her with us being so close. I always do, but I’m not sure if that’s a step she’s ready for. I settle for testing those boundaries with one set just above her right brow before getting up.

“Now shall we?”

She’s left in a stupor, and I can’t help but be feel a little pleased. I can tell enough that she’s not upset about it, and it’s enough for me for now.

Maybe she’s not to far off of making steps of her own.

“I’m, uh… What?”

Madison looks my way still confused, and I can’t help but grin.

“Don’t we have people coming over in a few hours? It’s already after 1030, so shouldn’t we start prepping?”

“Yeah, but breakfast first?”

Madison! Love, you really need to take better care of yourself.

I guess now I know why Bailey is so on top of her for things.

Maybe she knows what’s going on with her? Is that why Madison didn’t want to tell her?

I’m not sure, but I know that I have to be careful when asking.

“You’re a mess, you know that?”

“I know, but I’m your mess.”

I grin reminiscent of Iris’s, I push the though away. It’s the only way I know to keep from comparing the two when there is so many similarities between the two. I told her I loved her for her, and that’s true. So I need to stop having the thoughts of them being the same. I’m sorry, Iris. I still miss you, but it’s time for me to move on.

I help Madison up, and now it’s her leaving me speechless for a moment when she returns my kiss with one on the cheek.

Wait… what?

I’m thrown for a loop. I didn’t think she would do that, at least not so soon after I did.

Uh…

The abruptness of it is what leaves me feeling a nervous self again that I’ve notice has happened more with her. Like the little unexpected things from her takes me off guard enough to bring back a self I haven’t felt in a long while. First it was the boy she’s been bringing out of me I thought was lost long before the younger self that seems she is also bringing back. One before Adeline. Something about Madison seems to make me feel like all my pieces are being put back in place that I didn’t know where even still there inside me.

‘Yes, and now let’s not forget the reasons we are who we are today. For protection and strength. Don’t slip up because you need to be Kalston now more than ever. You need to be a man that can protect her and not the boy you keep trying to be. She’s not safe if you fault back to him.’

I hate myself for the realization, but know it’s true. I’m stuck in a world with evil. She’s stuck in one. So I can’t let myself be someone who has only ever let the ones I love get hurt. Even Adeline couldn’t hold up in this world, so Madison… It’s going to break her completely.

She can’t be in it no matter what he wants.

Now more than ever, I know the secrets need to stay hidden, and that I need to find an out for us both. If I need to make us both disappear completely, than that’s what it’s going to take.

‘You better make your plan flawless, because with even a hint of a way through, he’ll find it and kill you.’

Bringing myself back to now, I try to play a self that’s not apart of that horror so I can keep her still oblivious to it.

“Uh… Coffee? I see you had some. Do you want me to put another pot on?”

“Yeah, I’m going to make waffles. Do you want any?”

Madison makes her way to the cabinet to grab out the mix, and I find myself reminiscing of that boy again. The last Thanksgiving I had with I, we had waffles.

“I’d love some, yeah.”

I’m not sure why the similarities keep popping up more frequently with Madison, but maybe it’s those that are helping me claw out of the dark. The only question is Can I protect her still if I’m not in it? Can I handle it without being devoured by it or losing her?

Again, I’m not sure, but almost willing to ask God. I don’t want to, but I also don’t want to be pushed back to where I was. I can do this without Him. I always have.

‘And you lost yourself by doing that.’

…

Okay, maybe, but maybe this time can be different. Maybe with her, I’ll have a reason not to get lost again. I can do this without You. I doubt You’d help even if I’d ask. But help her. She needs you. She believes in you, so help her. Prove that you can do that, and maybe I’ll trust you again.