Amalia

"Erik, would you date another girl if you cared about someone else?" I ask as I pour two bowls of cereal for us.

He sets the plate of toast he made on the table, sits, and pours some milk. "You mean if I was dating someone, would I cheat on her?"

"No. If you weren't dating her but wanted to be with her and someone else wanted to go out with you, would you?"

He pushes the milk toward me. "If I felt that way about her, why wouldn't I be going out with her?"

"Maybe she doesn't know how you feel about her, or maybe she's interested in someone else." I thud the milk carton down on the table with too much vigor. "I. Don't. Know. Erik. Pick a reason."

He knocks his spoon against the table, deliberating, and sighs. "It all depends. If I liked her, I might go out with someone else if she wasn't interested in me. I don't know. Everybody I was ever interested in always liked me, too. I probably wouldn't even like her if she didn't like me." 

He made it sound so simple, so cut and dry.

Erik glances over as Jaxon traipses into the kitchen, heading straight for the refrigerator. "Jaxon," he calls out. I glare at Erik, shaking my head, preferring to keep our conversation between us, but he misses my signal. "If you were crazy about a girl, would you date another one you weren't that into? Ama wants—"

I kick Erik under the table.

"Ouch! What'd you do that for?"

Jaxon rotates toward us, taking a gulping swig of orange juice from the carton. "Gross, Jaxon, don't put that back in the fridge," I say, glaring at Erik and claiming I kicked him by accident while attempting to signal with my eyes again.

He refuses to take the hint. "Would you date another girl if you really wanted someone else?" he asks.

Jaxon plunks down on a chair and pours himself a bowl of cereal. "It all depends."

"My sentiments exactly," Erik says, smirking. "It depends on the situation we're dealing with."

"Yep, it does. Take me and Mara, for instance. I want to be with her, but she's not around here anymore."

Jaxon's comment surprises me. I thought he and Mara were doing fine. He didn't go out with anyone else after she left and didn't seem to have a problem with it. Girls always called him, but I only saw him ecstatic while talking to Mara.

"Yes, but you haven't been dating anyone else," I say.

"I know. To tell you the truth, I don't know how long I'll keep that up."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever. It's not like you'll die if you don't go out with anyone."

He arches a brow. "I just might. I mean, I wish Mara was here, but she's not, and there isn't a damn thing I could do about it."

"School's almost out, though. I thought she was coming back for the summer?"

His casual facial expression and breeziness disappear. "Mara doesn't know if she'll get to come back here. Her dad's retiring, and her parents want her to travel with them this summer. I just don't think it's working anymore."

I see how much it's affecting him that he and Mara are drifting apart. It's not like him to be so pessimistic, and despite all the teasing and arguing between Jaxon and me, I can't bear it when he's down.

"Lately, it's gotten so hard to have a decent conversation with her over the phone. It's like we search for things to talk about. The silences are getting longer, and the phone calls are getting shorter and further apart."

"So, who's the girl?" Erik asks as if he heard a different conversation from Jaxon than me. "That hot cherry-blonde who never takes her eyes off you when we're at the motocross pit. She jumps better than half the guys."

An air of smugness takes over Jaxon's expression, and he lets out a cocky grin.

I gasp, pushing my chair back, realizing Jaxon's interest in another girl is the underlying motive for questioning his relationship with Mara. "You mean you're thinking of breaking up with Mara?"

"Actually, I am, and I think Mara wants to break up too. At first, I figured she didn't live that far away, so it would be easy for us to get together. Then our Christmas plans fell apart, and since then, we've only gotten together—what? Three times."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. Jaxon's in love with Mara. Everyone knows it. Why would he even consider someone else?

"Don't give me that look, Ama. It's not like we didn't try."

I catch myself glaring at him. "I just don't understand how you could talk about ending your relationship with her as if it's nothing?"

Jaxon communicates to Erik a look that says, what's the big deal? Or it says, help me out here. Erik quirks a half smile, shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head like, I don't know, and nope. Jaxon swallows the mouthful of shredded wheat he's crunching on, pulls the cereal box back toward himself, and ignores me as he pours another bowl.

Losing my appetite, I push my soggy bowl of cereal—which I'd neglected to take a single bite from—away from me, toss an angry look at both, and storm out of the kitchen.

Mom is coming into the house, carrying several mounds of clay and a pottery wheel. "Amalia, hon, would you get the door?"

I shove the door closed, creating a whopping loud bang. Jaxon leans back in his chair and looks into the living room.

"What's got you in a mood this morning?" Mom asks as I follow her to her craft area, which is squeezed into the laundry room.

I'll probably regret explaining my mood to her, but I need to vent. "I just don't understand why guys have everything so much easier than us girls."

"In what way?" She gathers a mound of clay and kneads it in her water-dampened hands.

"I'm talking about the way they handle relationships. Nothing ever seems to hurt them. They can move effortlessly from one girl to the next. Why is that?"

"Oh, I don't think it's that easy for them. They're just better at hiding their feelings than us." She sets the heap of clay down on the pottery wheel, squirts more water over it, and presses into it with her fist.

"They don't even need feelings for someone to be with them. It's disturbing. It's ... disgusting. I could never be with a guy I didn't have feelings for, and I wouldn't make out with someone I'm not going out with. I doubt I'd ever let a guy I wasn't crazy in love with kiss me."

She smiles, and I can tell by her satisfied appearance that my declaration pleases her. "Are we talking about Talan here?"

"No, Mom!" This is the reason I thought twice before talking to her about anything. She assumes my life revolves around Talan. Insulted, I skew my eyes at her. "We're talking about me here."

Talan crossed my mind during my conversation with Erik and Jaxon. He was also more than likely a source of my anger toward them. But the primary reason for asking is because Avery tipped me off that one of the popular guys in school-a junior who I'd heard liked me from two different people-intends to ask me out. I'm unsure if I'll say no this time, but I dread saying yes. "Does not being excited that one of the hottest guys in school wants to ask me out make me a loser?"

"Absolutely not. Why would you even think that? Your authentic nature just keeps you from pretending things you don't feel. That's an outstanding quality."

I give her a faint smile, as if finding comfort in her words. Honestly, I didn't. I should consider myself a loser for holding onto hope of a relationship with Talan for so long. All right! Talan is weighing on my mind. What else is new? He's like a microscopic-sized hummingbird, constantly fluttering around and creating little humming waves in the background of my brain. It's almost time for him to come back home again. What kind of summer will I have? I can't help but agonize. Will it be devastating? Could it be fantastic, or just more of the same? Uneventful nothingness!

After the rise of excitement and fall of disappointment I experienced during Christmas vacation, I realized that knowing what Talan is up to doesn't roll so easily off me as it did in the past. It could be because I'm older and a little wiser. I also recognized that I'm accustomed to being alone and dull, as if it's natural. It was a very distressing awareness.

"You know, Amalia, there's nothing wrong with dating. Nor is dating as definite as you think it should be. All it really is, is getting to know somebody better. It's a way to determine whether you want to have a relationship with that person. So, I think you should go."

She's right, and I sigh. I don't know how or if I can squash my feelings for Talan, but I will try. His actions confuse me, and whether I want to admit it. It hurts. The reality is that he's not here, and wherever he is, he'll always be there with "another" girl. I will not be just "another girl."

"He's a junior," I say. 

After I tell her his name, she informs me she knows his mother. "We get into lengthy conversations whenever I'm at the Garden Supply Center, and occasionally, Steven is there helping out, so I've met him already. I'll double-check with your dad, but I think it's fine."