Charles agreed to help keep up the charade between Hero and Hawk and assured him their secrets were safe with him; June didn’t know half of what he researched and knew anyway, so hiding more information was nothing new. Not even Hero knew what had been discussed. Hawk took extra precautions and hid all the information behind a new door with its own energy barrier.
Their promise to no longer keep secrets had become null and void and both of them knew it.
When Hawk had walked back inside, Hero greeted him with a small smile and a kiss. All he had asked was, “Did you have a nice walk with Dad?”
Hawk nodded. “Yeah, it was good. He showed me the view from the overlook. It was really cool, I think Toji would like it. We should take him out there later on.”
Hero nodded. “Yeah, maybe tomorrow afternoon or something?”
Hawk agreed and they all sat down to dinner. Toji had come padding downstairs just as Hawk and Charles had arrived, yawning loudly.
“Hey,” he mumbled to Hawk.
“Sleep well?”
Toji nodded, a contented smile on his lips. “That is one nice bed.” He plopped down next to Hawk as Hero set a plate of food in front of him. He and June had made pork chops with homemade mashed potatoes and garlic bread.
“It’s not fancy, but I didn’t think you’d want anything too crazy on your first night in,” June said.
“It looks wonderful, thank you,” Hawk said, glancing at Hero. “Maybe you can teach me to make this when we get home?”
Hero nodded. “I’ll add it to the list,” he said with a small smile.
They dug into the meal, enjoying polite conversation, Hero and Hawk doing their best to maintain the appearance that nothing at all was wrong, just as they had for over a month. It was a dance they had begun to perfect and both of them were heartbroken that they were at that point to begin with.
After dinner, Hawk helped clear the dishes with Hero while Toji paced the kitchen anxiously, ready to be outside.
“Take a walk with me,” Hawk said under his breath to Hero.
Hero nodded and smiled at his mother, thanking her for the dinner. “Are you guys heading to bed soon?”
“Yeah, probably,” she said. “I have an early shift and your dad has some research to get to, apparently.”
“How can you tell?” Hero said, glancing over at Charles who was in the living room with a book in his hands.
“We’ve been married for thirty-six years, Hero Leon. I know him pretty well by now. You’ll reach that level of understanding with each other someday.”
Hero and Hawk exchanged a glance. They were already there thanks to their connection. Hero gave his mother a hug and wished her goodnight.
“We’ll try not to be out too late.”
“Lock up when you come in,” Charles said from his chair.
“Will do,” Hero said. He slipped his hand into Hawk’s, the same way he had when he first confessed outside his old apartment building. “Toji,” he said to the impatient imp. “Go on ahead, we’ll catch up.”
Hawk closed his eyes, lowering his head to Hero’s, his lips to his ear. He wanted to say something, anything, but no words would come. He tried to convey his emotions but the shield was still solidly in place. He sniffed back tears, his chin quivering violently. “Okay…” he whispered, squeezing his hand and turning to walk out the door, Hero close behind, their hands still interlaced at the small of Hawk’s back.
Hero closed the door and they headed off in a different direction than the outlook, toward a small grove of trees where Toji had gone and subsequently disappeared through.
“Where is he going exactly?” Hero asked.
“To the city ruins up north,” Hawk said. “Charlotte gave me some information yesterday that she had received from Alerik a few days prior and I want to see if I can verify if it might be accurate or not.”
“What kind of information? About Ciel?”
Hawk nodded. “He has a theory that Ciel is after me.”
“Why?”
“That’s what I want to find out. The last time I went berserk was in that city. If he has a grudge, maybe that’s where it came from. I really don’t know.”
“Why didn’t Alerik tell you this himself?”
“Apparently he tried but my phone was off.” He stared straight ahead, his hand loose in Hero’s.
Hero was silent for a time as they walked further into the trees. “Where did you go?”
Hawk didn’t reply. The answer wouldn’t have helped anything and he knew it. Hawk’s shield had been reinforced the entire time he had been gone, making it impossible for Hero to know anything. He wasn’t eager to reveal that story now, and hoped Hero would just drop it.
“Hawk.” Hero’s voice cut deep, verging on the King’s Command.
“Hero, I don’t want to fight so just drop it.”
Hero bit his tongue and nodded. “So it was something I’d hate you for.”
“What the fuck?” Hawk stopped abruptly, Hero’s arm nearly jerking from its socket. Hawk released him immediately, not wanting to hurt him further, his eyes blazing. “I just said I don’t want to fight and you have to say something like that, are you fucking kidding me right now?”
He ran both hands through his hair and groaned loudly, taking a few steps farther away. “Dammit, Hero, can we please have one conversation that doesn’t lead to a fight? Please!”
“You left me alone for three fucking days, cut off behind a shield so thick I couldn’t even sense you,” Hero snapped. “Do you have any idea what that did to me, Hawk?”
“Yes, actually, I do, because you’ve been doing it to me for weeks! For longer and longer periods of time, too!” He pointed out toward the outlook. “I was trying to have a conversation with your dad, and all I could do was wonder what the hell was going on with you, biting back all my panic and fighting the urge to run back here just to make sure you were still okay. Fuck it, just to make sure you hadn’t left! Do you realize that’s my biggest fear right now? You put that shield up for long enough to leave me and then disconnect from me completely.”
“Oh, like you haven’t done that before.”
“I didn’t mean to, how many times do I have to tell you that?” Hawk’s voice was rising so loud that Hero took three steps away, cussing Hawk out, and created a barrier encapsulating them in a ten foot sound-proof radial dome.
“There! Now you can yell at me!” Hero shouted. “Not like you haven’t done enough of that lately, anyway.”
“Don’t give me that shit, Hero, you’ve done enough screaming yourself. Of course not the kind I would like to hear.”
“HAWK!”
“WHAT?! You think I want to fuck you just for my own pleasure? You think I don’t see or feel how turned off you are by me? I want you to want me, Hero, not just to let me do what I want and call it a night.” He took another step back. “You won’t even let me touch you anymore. Today was the first win I’ve had in weeks. You actually responded to me for the first time and it felt so good. And all I did was kiss you!” He bit his lip as tears welled up in his eyes. “I’m sorry I don’t remember everything I did, I’m sorry I hurt you, that I scarred you, that I traumatized you. I’m trying to apologize but you’re not giving me a chance!”
“It’s because you don’t know what you’re apologizing for!”
“You’ve told me what I’ve done, can’t that be enough? Just hearing about it makes me sick and hate myself, why do I have to have the mental images to back it up? You told me that night I fed that I didn’t need to keep beating myself up, yet here I am, doing exactly that because you won’t let me stop!”
“You think I want this, is that what you’re implying? That I want us both to be this miserable?”
“You tell me, you’re the one holding on to everything, not me.”
Hero’s lip curled and his eyes blazed with hurt and anger, his fists clenched at his sides. “Fuck you.”
“Please, I would fucking love it if you did.” Hawk realized he was crossing a line, being nasty and hurtful because he was hurting. He was pushing Hero away, he knew it and he wasn’t stopping it. “It’s almost like you want to be a victim at this point, like you want me to suffer just so you can be happy.”
“I don’t want to be a victim, I want you to understand what you did!”
“I ALREADY FUCKING DO!” Hawk dropped his fist, a burst of energy punching into the ground, forcing Hero to step back. “I don’t have to remember what I did to see its effects all over you. I see the pain, the torment, the goddamn scars! I see how scared you are of me, I feel your distrust, the distance you’re forcing between us. Your threats to leave me hurt just as badly as the anguish in your eyes…I understand completely what I did, Hero! I understand that the person I love, the only person I love in this entire godforsaken universe, is terrified of me and it makes me wish I was dead because of it!”
Hawk punched a nearby tree, shattering it into a million pieces, the fragments lighting up and burning away into ash. He stood there, breathing heavily, tears streaming down his face, his fists clenched at his sides.
“You want to know a little fun fact, Hero Leon Grace Helman? Something your father now knows? During the French Revolution, I tried to cut my head off with a guillotine. I wanted to know if that awesome condition Charlotte Graves forced onto my exile was actually valid. Obviously…” He waved a hand over his neck. “It was! The blade broke. But now, I’m wondering if the result might not be slightly different. Maybe I’ll go find out tomorrow, how does that sound?”
“Hawk, don’t say that,” Hero pleaded, tears beginning to coarse down his face unchecked. He took a few steps toward him but Hawk took a step back.
“Then lower your shield,” Hawk said. “Let me back in, Hero, please!”
Hero glowered at him. “Do you have any idea how manipulative you sound right now?” he said. “I heard something very similar from one of Elaine’s ex’s, and even from Andrews himself. ‘Please do this for me or I’ll kill myself,’ that’s what you just said.”
Hero was right, Hawk was sounding like every other manipulative prick on the planet, trying to emotionally control a situation to his advantage. That wasn’t what he wanted, he just wanted to prove a point. He just wanted Hero to know how badly he was suffering by being shut out and turned away. Yet, he was making things worse…way worse.
He covered his face and shook his head. “No,” he said. “No, that’s not what I’m trying to do, I—”
“Tell me where you were, then.”
Hawk stood up and ran his hands through his hair, staring up into the sky. “What does it even matter anymore, Hero? I’m already a piece of shit, you made that perfectly clear.” He turned and started to walk away, folding his fingers behind his head. “Your dad is doing some research into why I have a soul,” he said. “Ask him if he can find a way to permanently disconnect soulmates while he’s at it.”
Hero jerked, taking a step back as though he had been slapped hard across the face. “What…?”
“I told you you deserved better than me. You never should have been bound to a fucking demon, Hero. You deserve a man who won’t treat you the way my demon form did. The way I’m doing now.” He stopped, dropping his hands to his sides and hanging his head. “The way I did while I was gone.”
“Hawk—”
“You really want to know where I was? What I was doing?” He turned to look back at Hero, his eyes bloodshot. “I was visiting Gavin’s grave.”
Hero’s heart sank, his core spinning wildly.
“I was visiting the last human I fucked over and apologizing. I shut you out to break down to a ghost.” He let out a mirthless laugh. “Maybe because I figured he was the only one who would listen and accept my apology.” He tilted his head back as he let out a few more tearfilled chuckles, his amber eyes staring into Hero’s tortured rubies. “Makes sense, though, right? At least I can remember as well as understand what I did to him. All I can do for you is just understand what my actions have done since my memory doesn’t care to let me know.”
Hero stood, his arms limp at his sides, his body shaking, his shield finally dropping. Hawk’s eyes widening as all of Hero’s doubts and fears over the past few days and weeks came rushing in on him. On top of all of that, he was losing his soulmate because he was too prideful and hiding in his pain. He didn’t want Hawk to go. He didn’t want Hawk to remember. He didn’t want Hawk to stop touching him, or loving him, or even drinking from him. Everything he had held back crashed over and surrounded Hawk like a tidal wave and his knees gave way, sending him to the ground on his ass, his legs sprawled out in front of him, his hands behind him for support as his chest heaved.
Hero sank to his knees and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, sobbing loudly. I’m sorry I have to do this… He looked up at Hawk with regret, and pulled him into the Veil.
-*-
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