At the stove, finishing up the stuffing, Kalston has his arms around my waist. It’s strange how comfortable I’ve become with him. How much I crave his touch now. I always imagined it would be so when falling in love, but reading it and actually experiencing it are two different things. It feels familiar in a way. After so long of avoiding touch, it’s nice to have no guard around it. To have it come naturally with someone else other than Bailey.

My phone chimes, and reminds me that there are others coming today. Ash and Railey are already here, but in no time, our home is going to be packed. He wanted to come early to adjust before everyone begins to flood in as his anxiety is just about as bad as mine. Bailey even let him know that her room can be his escape when he needs time away from the crowd. Right now he’s enjoying the outside while Riley is doing something with Bailey in her room.

“Hey, will you check that for me?” I ask Kalston as I want to get the stuffing done as soon as possible. Everything else is in or ready to be, so I get to chill from cooking once this is done.

Thank you, God.

“No problem, Love.”

He grabs my phone, and I’m already missing his touch. I realize only now how it seemed to be keeping me calm. 

Just breathe, it will all be fine.

‘But what if…”

No, everything will be fine.

“It’s your brother. He says that they’re here. I’ll go greet them while you finish up, Love. I have to check on the turkey anyway.”

Smiling his way, it is nice to have his help.

“Thank you.”

A quick grin from him, he heads off, and I finish up. Footsteps head into the kitchen not long after, and I assume it’s one of the guys already coming in. Jonathan said he was going to pick up Canton along with a plus one. I was nervous about a stranger coming, but I also didn’t want someone to be alone today.

I speak up while putting the last of the stuffing in the muffin tin. I know it’s rude not to face your guests when they come in, but not doing so is helping to keep my anxiety down. I was hoping to have a moment before everyone got here. Thankfully, I already got ready, but I still wanted time to get my head on straight.

“Hey, guys. Drinks are in the fridge if you want any, bathrooms straight ahead in the hall if anyone needs it, T.V. is free, or you’re welcome to head to the porch if you want, Ash is there, just make yourself at home.”

‘Make yourself at home? Why’d I say that?’

Because it’s polite.

‘And if they do something to make you feel not at home?’

‘You’re overthinking this. It’s fine.’

Breathe, just breathe.

“Okay, thanks. I’ll grab you two a drink if you want to head out.”

Jonathan speaks up and two sets of steps head to the sliding door. One hesitates.

‘Just breath.’

Please head outside.

‘Patient and they all will.’

Okay… breathe. Calm down.

“It’s good to see you, Ducky.”

…

No?

‘It’s Zack.’

…

My heart drops as my hands tighten on the pan in my hands. Things shift from me reminding myself to breathe to help calm myself to now needing to remember that I’m supposed to breathe in general as I catch myself forgetting to.

The door finally shuts but it doesn’t make things better. I push myself to cut myself from the dread. To push the panic off just long enough to finish what’s needed.

And the mask goes on.

“Maddy, are you okay?”

Jonathan’s words are what finally push myself to my old self of lies further than just shown. I turn to him with a forced smile.

“Yes, I’m fine. Uh? Zach?”

I play it light on my side as if I’m unbothered and simply curious why he didn’t tell me that that was who he was bringing extra. It’s his expression that shows enough to tell me he knew what he was doing. He’s never been as good at masking as I’ve been. He’s not used to it like I am.

“Uh, yeah. He said he didn’t have plans this year, and you said you wanted to make sure everyone had a place to go, so… I’m sorry, it was dumb, we can head out if you’d rather him not be here? I seriously didn’t want him to be alone, and I figured that it’s been years since you’ve seen each other.”

He leaves it at that.

Yes! You both can leave.

No, that wouldn’t be fair. I’ve forgiven them both a long time ago.

‘But he hurt you.”

Yes, and?

‘Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to welcome people back into your life.’

I know, but they’re both already here. Nothing’s going to happen. It hasn’t since… Nothing’s going to happen.

‘Things aren’t going to end well.’

I’m silent for a moment too long. Jonathan seems concerned for a moment, and I relent.

“That’s fine. Like you said, he shouldn’t be alone today. I’m going to get cleaned up, food will be done at about five.”

He grabs my arm before I get far, making my chest grow tighter and a breakdown threatening to come over me.

“Maddy, it really is fine if we head out.”

Get your hand off me!

‘Calm down.’

Another smile, I try to keep things settled.

“No, it’s really fine. Now get out there before those two bother Ash too much. You know how he can be.”

Meaning Zach, it’s clear Jonathan doesn’t see things the same. He never does.

“You’re right. Ash is a bit of a tight squeeze.”

Finally being free, I head to my room. Tears threaten all the more to come free the closer I get to a safe space. But I still don’t make it as I run into Bailey as she and Railey are coming out of her room.

“Hey, Babes.”

She’s smiling before it drops.

“What’s wrong?”

Please, stop asking.

‘Keep it together.’

I shake my head and plaster another half-smile across my face.

“Nothing, I uh, I just need to freshen up. Jonathan and them are here. They’re outside, so you might want to check on Ash.”

“Okay, but…”

It’s becoming harder to not break.

“Please, I’m sure he needs you right now.”

I head into my room before she can say anything else.

Breathe

I pace the floor and things finally settle in all the worse. My chest tightens and breath shallows almost like an asthma attack, but I’ve had them both enough before to know the difference. It’s a panic attack.

One you’re breath is physically shortened, the other, mentally. It’s hard to tell the difference many times, but having them both, I’ve learned to pin if it’s a physical block or mental one stopping deep breaths to come. This one is definitely the latter, I still find it hard to ground myself enough to stop it. My head lightens, and that’s where the panic begins to grow worse.

I’m going to pass out.

‘No, you’re not.’

My clothes! I want them off.

The space around me feels small and the clothes on me constricting. I begin taking off my choker hoping it will help some.

Please, God, help me.

Music!

My phone is in the kitchen, and I know I can’t force myself to head back in right now.

‘Breathe, it’s going to be okay.’

I need music, I need something to help me take my mind off.

That’s when I spot my laptop lying on my desk and I go to it instantly. Everything else comes so naturally as even though I haven’t done this in so long, the muscle memory is still there. I pick the playlist made to help me calm down, put in my earbuds loud enough to block the world out and hide myself in my closet. It has always been my comfort place when at home. A way to feel safe away from the rest of the house when chaos envelopes it.

I find a spot in the back, next to my chest of draws that helps hide me even further with the clothes hanging above. The tears come almost instantly once I’m seated. The music plays and I allow myself to get lost.