A few hours later Jasson arrived at the wide open gates of Stalt. He wasn’t completely broke this time and was even able to give Charon a fifteen-dollar tip. Still, Jasson had no ability to spend the $100 he had left in any stores. Modern life had ingrained in Jasson that digital was the only way to pay, so this newfound dependency on cash felt alien to him.

“Thanks!” Jasson said, waving as Charon drove away. A burst of fire singed Jasson’s eyebrows and he stepped back and coughed. As the car faded from reality Jasson started to absently scrolled on his phone as he wandered into Stalt.

Or he tried to wander. A pike got lowered in front of him like a toll booth barrier arm.

“Halt!” One of the guards stood in front of Jasson, face sweaty beneath a well-maintained helmet, “State your name and purpose here.”

“Hmm?” Jasson looked up, panicking slightly, “Ah. Well…I don’t know. Register with the Adventure’s guild mostly. You know, earn some money?”

“Anything to declare?” the guard looked bored.

“Nothing that I can think of,” Jasson said, gripping his phone tight, “What would need to be declared?”

“Cheese,” the guard waved his hand, “Never mind. No smuggler would be as oblivious as you. Welcome to Stalt. Don’t break anything.”

Okay. Don’t tell me then. Jasson thought. Jerk.

Jasson entered through the gate, seeing the paradox of Stalt in full. Stalt, the city closest to a war of men and monsters, was peaceful and thriving. There were no burned buildings, no dragon claw marks dug into the streets, it even had a fresh coat of paint.

Above the bustling city, a castle constructed of monumental towers rose in the distance. The smell of fresh bread and recent rain wafted from the low-lying white buildings, making Jasson’s stomach grumble. Even what graffiti existed was only seen beneath fresh patches of whitewash. This was a fantasy city, not some dingy hole of grit and treachery.

Yet, because of Stalt’s proximity to the war, there were countless furloughed soldiers. One constant of the universe is that soldiers, when within walls guarded by other men, tend to let loose. Signs of thriving alcohol sales were strewn around the city, attended to by industrious city workers with canvas sacks. Truly, the nightlife must be amazing here.

But the afternoon had come upon the city, bringing with it a slow recovery of regret. The streets were steadily filling with men who had barely woken up. They emerged like zombies from the grave, lurching from their shadowed refuge towards the closest pint as the civilians casually stepped around them.

After some tremulous questioning of a motherly woman, Jasson found the location of the Adventurer’s Guild. Unfortunately, it was all the way across the city. Guugle Maps was still not working, which sent panic down Jasson at every turn. What if he got lost and ended up mugged in an alley? But Jasson’s ancestors had gotten around before Guugle Maps, so why not him? And it wasn’t like he was on any sort of deadline. Still, it was all the way across the city!

It is a fact that a Protagonist walking across a fantasy city will pass a lot of alleys. For any protagonist, all alleys have a 2.3% chance of a ‘{vulnerable_attractive_female(s)} being accosted by the {minor_plotpoint} gang’ encounter. The women’s screams pass by the deaf ears of everyone on the road and pierce solely into the courageous heart of the protagonist. Then, with brave proclamations of truth and justice, the protagonist will step in to assist the {vulnerable_attractive_females}, winning adoration and affection from the imposed upon.

Unfortunately for these {vulnerable_attractive_females}, the protagonist Jasson Boar was on his phone at the time.

“How dare you! We had a deal!” female 1 cried as Jasson watched cat videos, “you’re going back on us?! This is practically less than the guild would pay, and you expect us to still hand it over? You’ll regret this! I’ll fu-”

A predictably despicable laugh interrupted the woman and a man’s voice sneered “What are you gonna do? Fight us? You’re just {vulnerable_attractive_females}*. Of course, I could sweeten our deal for you. I know a hotel with room to spare.”

*(The Placeholder texts {} were apparently not replaced.)

“Come on sis,” Female 2 said, “Let’s just leave. We’ll get into trouble if we mess with the {minor_plotpoint} gang. It’s not worth it.”

It was at this point that Jasson crossed into the opening of the alleyway. He didn’t look up, didn’t see the leering men and the two rather attractive blonde girls with unique silhouettes. All he saw was 6.2 inches of a cat falling in a fish tank.

“Hah,” Jasson said too loudly, “Stupid cat.”

The {minor_plotpoint} leader twitched his furry cat ears, slit pupils in his eyes dilating. A silence entered the alleyway, broken only by Jasson’s next snorting laugh. Three {minor_plotpoint} criminals turned slowly to the oblivious boy, their leader’s scarred stump of a tail twitching with rage. Behind the cat-man, the two blonde girls nodded to each other and started to creep away.

“Oi!” the leader sauntered up the alley, flanked by his two goons, “you talking to me bud? On my turf?”

Jasson looked up from his phone at the man. Most people would consider this an undesirable and dangerous situation at this point. Protagonists rarely do, but Jasson didn’t for a different reason.

Oh, Jasson thought, it’s a cat-person. Cool. Are they trying to do a TikTik Challenge? There was that one from last year where idiots tried to act like they were thugs with random people.

“‘Sup?” Jasson said, “What’s this? A square-off challenge? That’s so last year. You guys better stop before you get hurt. There’s some pretty bad criminals out there so you shouldn’t try to square up with random dudes for clicks. Darwin awards bro. At least you’re not clowns.”

Jasson stepped around them and kept going. How much further was the adventurer’s guild? Ah well, he had plenty of time left on thi-

The leader’s large hand fell on Jasson’s shoulder, rather abruptly stopping Jasson's movement.

“Hey punk,” the leader said, cat ears flattened back, “What was that about a stupid cat?”

“Huh?” Jasson said, rewinding the video ten seconds, “You want to see? Here.”

“What’s this?” the leader said, squinting at Jasson’s phone, “A kind of magic crystal?”

“Yeah,” Jasson said, pointing with his thumb, “Check it out. This cat is trying to get the fish in the fish tank. See?”

“I think so,” the leader said, still squinting, “hah. Wait, where’d he go?”

“There’s a bunch of videos put together in this,” Jasson said as the new cat ran around the house, “see? It’s a thirty-minute compilation I downloaded since I can’t seem to get any good signal.”

“Hah,” the leader said as it switched to a new video, “this is good stuff. Hmm…this one is trying to- no! Haha. Dumb cat.”

“Right?” Jasson said, grinning, “Good stuff. Want me to Skydrop it?”

“What?” the leader said, “What do you mean?”

Jasson paused, then said “Well, I don’t know if it works if you don’t have an Ophone. Peach doesn’t play well with others. Do you have one of those magic crystals you mentioned? It’s worth a shot.”

The leader nodded and pulled out a small asymmetrical crystal shard, saying “Let’s give it a try.”

“Sure,” Jasson tried to Skydrop the video. It didn’t work.

“Sorry,” Jasson said, “I don’t think it works that way.”

The cat-man’s ears flattened in disappointment before he brightened up again.

The leader said, “Let me see the back of your crystal.”

“Sure,” Jasson flipped the phone around so the bitten peach logo faced up, “Why though?”

“That’s a peach, right? Give me a second,” the leader said, “don’t go anywhere.”

The man ran off with surprising speed. A scream came from down the street, along with a series of other noises including something metal and a panicked chicken. Shortly after that, the cat-man returned with a slightly crushed peach.

“All right,” Jasson said, realization dawning, “This probably won’t help. Go ahead and stick it on your pho- on your crystal.”

“Yeah,” the leader said, and Jasson tried tapping the phone, then the peach, “Did it work?”

“I don’t think so,” Jasson said, “Sorry.”

Maybe if he painted the logo on, Jasson thought, this is magic after all. It could work.

Jasson saw the man’s expression fall and said “Actually, let me see that peach.”

Jasson took it and carefully bit a chunk out of it, then put it back on the crystal.

“Le’s t’y ‘is,” Jasson said around the peach as he tapped the crystal and then the peach.

Ding.

“Well,” the man seemed concerned, “Is it good?”

Jasson swallowed and wiped his mouth, then said “Yeah actually. It’s transferring the video. Pretty slow though. Will probably take a solid minute or two.”

The silence was tense as the loading bar pressed toward full. The two goons gathered around, watching as well. Jasson wished he could scroll through TikTik as he waited. He had three bars right now for some reason, while the whole day had been flickering at one or two bars of signal.

Doo-doo-doo-doo

Jasson pulled his phone back in relief, arm tired and eager to leave the situation. They had been looking so intently, and the cat-man had a weird smell.

“There,” Jasson said, walking away, “All done. Enjoy the video guys! I’m off to the adventurer’s guild.”

“Thanks,” the leader said, “And look out for the daylight robbery at the guild.”

“Will do,” Jason said, swiping through TikTik, “Bye.”

Blast, Jasson thought, the signal dropped again.

With quick steps, Jasson managed to be nearly out of earshot before the {minor_plotpoint} gang resumed the conversation. Thankfully, it wasn’t about him.

“Now,” the leader said, turning back to his men, “What were we doing?”

“Don’t know boss,” one of them said, “Can we watch the funny video with you?”

“Sure…”