We only shared his bed at night, when we were both awake and scrolling through our phones. Sending the occasional TikTok with a message attached: this is so us or We should go here one day.
It's the sharp pain to my ass of him slapping it that makes me hiss. I asked him again if he was gay just for the fun of it. He gives me the finger before flashing his dick at me.
I'm big-time nosey when I went to Kario's IG page and scrolled through who he was following until I found the girl he showed me and Arjun. I'm careful not to like any of her pictures.
Sonni girl, what's up with yooooou~
She's a mixed girl; Korean and Japanese. In her few posts, she expressed how she was learning to embrace her Korean side more. I found out through endless scrolling she is part of the Visual Arts department too, but she's a dance Major. God, her legs were to die for. She was short at 5 '1. In her IG caption, she said how short girls were far superior. Like okay girl, you can't even reach the top shelf, hush.
And with Kairo almost being 6 '1. The size difference was crazy. He could easily lift her and throw her across a football.
Doesn't look like she wears much makeup. Kairo loved girls who wore makeup. It's their freedom of expression, he said. But all I have is nightmares of my older sister when she started dabbling in makeup. She looked more like a fucking clown. Scared the hell out of me.
I accidentally liked a picture when Kairo said something when he returned to his bedroom. I quickly closed my IG app and tucked my phone under the pillow.
"Did you hear me?" he asked, standing by his bed, his toothbrush hanging from his mouth.
"No what did you say?"
"I asked if you wanted something from the kitchen."
"Um, a bottle of water."
"That's it?"
"Yeah."
Ding. My phone goes off. I pulled it from under the pillow when Kairo walked out of his room. It's a notification that Sonni has followed me. Then another ding after she liked a picture of me, Kairo, from the 10th grade of high school. When Kairo was just growing his hair out and I was starting my loc journey.
Damn. We really grew our hair together. I wipe a fake tear from under my eye.
A water bottle hits me in my stomach. Kairo scratched his stomach going back into the bathroom to finish his nighttime routine.
He's talking about something, but I'm not paying attention to what he's saying, just bits and pieces about a camera and something about a cat or maybe a car.
Music starts up from the bathroom Bluetooth speaker. Harry Styles Watermelon Sugar soaks into the bedroom. Kairo dances out of the bathroom, swaying his sharp bony hips off-beat as he sings with Harry.
Dance with me. The smile on his face says. Kairo doesn't wait for me. He pulled me by the arm, my body dragging out his bed.
He swings me around. My feet lift off the floor— before touching the softness of the carpet.
So we dance to Harry till it's late into the night. I sing off key but if it was some Mariah Carey I'd be hitting them high notes like I was being held at gunpoint.
I'm brushing my teeth. Kairo is leaning on the door frame of the bathroom. I feel his eyes roll over me, taking in everything. My hands, my feet, my arms, the side of my face.
"What if I was gay? More so bisexual. How um...how would you feel about that?" Kairo asked.
I slowly brushed my teeth. My reflection stared at me. A monotone expression.
"You're my best friend Kairo, your sexuality doesn't matter to me. You could be a fucking dog and I'd still love you."
"Not the same."
"It is."
"Are you um bisexual?" I asked, spitting into the sink.
Kairo doesn't answer right away. He's picking apart what he wanted to say to leave me with little things he sometimes did when he didn't want to fully let me in.
A gray area.
"I had my time with this guy. Nothing serious. Just experimenting to see if I liked it."
My mind starts to swipe through all the guys' faces Kairo knew but each had a big red X.
"You never met him. He goes to a college a few hours out from ours." Kairo's voice is soft like there's a sharp jagged piece of hurt stuck in his throat.
So this guy meant a little more.
"You loved him or something?" I laughed, grabbing for the mouthwash.
A flat, weak laugh pushed past his lips. "Something like that."
It wasn't like Kairo had to share every small amount of his life with me. There needs to be some kind of boundaries even with friends like Hey, this part of my life I don't want to share with you just yet, please respect that.
Laying in the dark I thought more about this guy and Kairo. Little things started to click together like the times he told me we couldn't hang out because he had to do something else but wouldn't say what that something else was.
My hand was hanging off the edge of the bed. I feel Kairo touch my fingers, slowly moving his fingers over mine.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked from the floor.
I blinked a couple of times. "Nothing."
"No one is ever thinking of nothing."
"I am."
"Liar."
"Goodnight Kairo." I go to pull my hand but he grips my fingers tight.
The sound of his voice settled into the darkness blending into the cool air of his room. "Thanks for not judging me."
My eyes burned and my throat tightened. Why the fuck was I getting emotional suddenly?
On Sunday mornings, Kairo's house was lively. You could feel the warmth of everything tickle your skin. The humming from his mother as she sings Faith Hill Breathe as she moves around the kitchen cleaning.
His dad is teaching me about cryptocurrency saying it was a good investment if I wanted to get into it.
His brothers Hunter and Hayden are fighting over a waffle. Hunter steals my bacon off my plate when I'm not looking. Kairo gives me his eggs because he doesn't like eggs. I don't even like eggs yet I still eat them.
We bounce to Arjun's house. His mother kisses our cheeks and welcomes us to join them for breakfast. Kairo calls me a fat fuck when I grab a plate. If food is given to me YO BOY IS GONNA EAT regardless.
"See your friends love food!" Arjun's mother said smiling. Her accent is like honey. She could talk about the most uninteresting topic in the world. I would still listen to her.
Arjun and Kairo are talking about classwork and then about a 9 am lecture, they have tomorrow. Arjun's mom's talking to me. I think she took a liking to me.
"Strong boy!" she said. "You have girlfriend?"
"No ma'am."
"Okay, I got you. I have beautiful nieces, same age as you. You meet. You talk."
I'm stuffing my mouth. When I'm pulled away from the table.
"Mom, stop trying to hook my friend up." Arjun whines.
I wanted to correct him. I wasn't his friend. But I let it go. The three of us are in Arjun's room.
Arjun told us he was going to pray for a few minutes but we were welcome to join if we wanted to.
I was between being an atheist and not being one because I still had to believe in God. After all, my grandmother expects everyone in our family to believe in it. She forced everyone to church every Sunday but after I was old enough to say I didn't want to go that caused problems with my mama and her mother.
Kairo is an atheist, but he still joins Arjun in prayer.
I'm looking around Arjun's room. It's clean. Like too clean if nobody inhabited the room. The bed was neatly made, shoes lined in a corner, desk was neatly organized. Is that a hint of Jasmine I smell??
"You should come to the dating mixer, Arjun," Kairo said.
"Uh, my luck with the ladies isn't the best." he laughed.
"Noah isn't either."
I glared at my best friend.
"Any fucking way are just staying in Arjun's room all day? Or Are we going out into the world?" I spread my arms wide, slapping them both in the face.
Arjun hits my hand out his face. He stands straightening out his outfit that's a multitude of colors.
"Come. We have a basement with games and a movie theater."
"Well, shit why didn't you say anything to begin with."
We went to the basement. There are pinball machines lined up against the brick wall. In the back, around the corner, there's the at-home theater.
"You guys ever watched Bollywood horror films?"
"No." Kairo and I said.
"Oh, then I must put you on."
And he did.
It's the middle of the movie when my phone buzzes with a text.
THE EVIL EX: Hey, I'm looking for my pink Barbie hoodie do you have it?
Shit, I did have that hoodie and I may or may not have lent it to Kairo.
Me: Nope
THE EVIL EX: Are you sure?
Me: I'm looking through my closet right now and don't see your pink Barbie hoodie.
She's typing, then stops for a few seconds and starts typing again.
THE EVIL EX: Okay can I come over and check for myself?
Me: no tf you can not. I told you I DON'T HAVE IT.
Kairo leans over reading my text.
"Why do you have her saved as the evil ex?"
"Um, did you forget this girl ripped my heart out and stomped on it with her stiletto heels?"
"Dramatic much?"
"Fuck you." I pushed his face away from me. I deleted her message. I didn't bother to read it.
Arjun makes us some popcorn. A competition got started on who can catch the popcorn in their mouth. I nearly choked to death. The two of them thought it was ever so fucking funny. Arjun came in first place, Kairo second, and me, of course, third.
The movie It Lives Inside was pretty interesting; about a girl trying to fit into school. She rejects her East Indian culture and family and some mythological demonic spirit latches to her former best friend.
It's halfway through the movie when Kairo rests his head on my shoulder. I look at him out of the corner of my eye, taking bits of him in. His face is lit up by the screen detailing little things I never noticed before in the daylight.
A nick on his brow where hair never grew back. The light scarring on his cheek from his acne. His long lashes are a blonder than the hair on his head. Kairo rubs his face against my shoulder. I wanted to stroke his face.
I lifted my hand slowly like this was some painstaking moment. Kairo gets up. I quickly dropped my hand. He asked Arjun where the bathroom was. Back upstairs, the last door down the hall. Arjun paused the movie.
"You and Kairo are close." Arjun picks at some lint on his yellow and pink shirt.
"Besties." I crossed my fingers.
"It may not be my business to pry, but I think Kairo may like you." He flicks a little lint ball on the floor.
I slapped Arjun on the back of his head. "Duh, of course, he would. He's my best friend."
He glares at me. "No, I mean like he likes you, like you."
I don't let what he said settle into my head. I shift into the leather theater seat, staring at the screen.
"Shut up."
He didn't know Kairo in the way I'd known him. Arjun wasn't his best friend.
"I'm just saying. Seeing him with you. It's ugh...the way he looks at you." Arjun said.
I crunched up my face. "It's the way he looks at you...What the fuck does that even mean?"
Arjun rolled his eyes as he hunched over in his seat. "Like he has feelings for you."
"And you can tell that from a look?"
He shrugs, turning his face to me a little. The other half of his face is cast in a shadow.
"Yeah. If you pay close enough attention."
"Why the fuck are you even watching him that closely?"
Arjun laughed saying, "Sorry. I minor in psychology. So human behavior is something I am into."
I try to play back all the times Kairo has looked at me. Trying to find what Arjun saw. I couldn't.
Kairo comes back. I'm paying closer attention to him now. The shift his eyes make. The way his eyes pass over me briefly, then to Arjun when he tells a lame-ass joke. Still, I couldn't find what Arjun saw.
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