After one and a half confused hours and a new set of directions, Jasson found the Adventurer’s Guild - Stalt Branch. It stood a full floor above the other buildings, like an older brother in a family photo. Fresh red and gold paint decorated the Guild, a building in denial of age like a movie star with a now-wealthy plastic surgeon. Above the door a sign swung in the zephyr breeze, proudly displaying a circle containing a sword with wings.

This shouldn’t be too hard, Jasson thought, it’s like going to the store.

A bell tinkled as Jasson pushed the door open. Or tried to. The door stopped about halfway and wouldn’t go any further. After a couple of seconds, Jasson gave up and slipped through the gap. Inside he found a half-dozen tables, a two-story ceiling with swing-ready chandeliers, and a Mountain jamming the door.

To be more accurate, the door was blocked by the raised foot of a recliner armchair (size Oversized-Wide). The Mountain was the man relaxed on the recliner, making it look proportionally reasonable. Memorization glinted in the Mountain’s eyes like diamonds sparkling from black stone. The Mountian smiled briefly, as if seeing something he liked in Jasson, and the dark skin around his eyes crinkled merrily. Then the Mountain refocused on the book in his hands, stroking his black beard idly as he motioned Jasson forward.

Okay, Jasson thought, don’t get bounced. Gotcha.

Past the half-dozen tables was a long counter made of rich wood. This counter held five receptionist bays, but only one was currently occupied. The sole attendant, a lady of considerable attraction, stood and waved Jasson over.

Jasson found it difficult to avoid staring at the woman as he approached. Above a docile smile were eyes sharp as paper, the type that cuts across your knuckles when your guard is down. More than that, she was attractive in many ways that an almost eighteen-year-old was quite vulnerable to. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen (at least in person) and Jasson felt his mind immediately begin to fuzz.

“Hello there,” the attendant said perkily, “my name is Jane. How can I help you today?”

“Thank you,” Jasson said reflexively, “Umm…I would like to fill out an application. Do you have an online form?”

“Online?” Jane said, sitting down behind the desk, “No. We have paper forms, but none which need 'hanged on a line'. Are you trying to become an adventurer?”

Paper eh? Jasson thought, I can do that. I'm staring too much though.

“Yes.” Jasson said, unlocking his phone, “I heard there’s a fourteen-day free trial and I’m broke so…”

Good, Jasson thought as he navigated his phone, I have a signal in here. Gotta keep my eyes busy.

“I can enroll you presently,” Jane said, grabbing a form from a drawer, “Can you write your name? Or will you need help signing the documents?”

“I can sign my own name.” Jasson said, taken aback by the question, “Although my signature is sus. Why wouldn’t I be able to write?”

“Many can’t,” Jane said, “You must have been decently well off as a child to consider education normal. If only you could do sums.”

Jane laughed, then said, “Ah well, just do your best with this. Let me know if you need help reading the longer words. And don’t worry about filling everything out. If you don’t know what to put under ‘Abilities’ it’s okay. You can complete the rest of the paperwork once you figure yourself out. Just put down what you know, take your time, and I’ll fill the rest out for you.”

Jasson managed to relax as he scrolled, clearing his mind with some wholesome baby videos. Yes, the woman was attractive (even if she was degrading). But he was better than some simp that drooled over everything with amazing- um.... Yeah, he had discipline. Hopefully.

“Okay,” Jasson said, “How much is the subscript- I mean the fees? Once I get past the free trial that is.”

“The fees consist of two parts.” Jane said, “One coin equal to your rank per work day, and a flat ten percent tax on your earnings until you reach Copper Rank. It goes up to twenty-five percent at that point, but you also get access to Guild lodgings and other services as compensation.”

“Fantastic,” Jasson said, “What rank do I start in?”

Gold is about twenty bucks, Jasson thought, but what about the others? What coin will be my subscription? Probably lead, right? I can’t think of anything lower than that

“You will be starting at the lowest Wood Rank." Jane said, “So the smallest denomination of coin in the history of the guild. It’s a pittance to pay, but no one manufactures the coins anymore so you’ll have to pay up front. A single lead coin can get you twenty work days of fees.”

“Wait, lead’s not the lowest?” Jasson said, “What am I starting off as?”

“As I said, it’s a Wood Rank,” Jane said, holding the form out to him, “There’s ten of them, all worth less than lead. You will be starting in the Wood Ranks as a Driftwood Adventurer. Next rank up is Pine.”

“Ah,” Jasson said, taking the paper, “I see.”

Wow, Jasson thought, that’s worth squat. Twenty days from a lead coin? The gold’s only worth twenty dollars. How weak does this currency get?*

*(Coins like these exist in many countries which have over a 100-1 ratio with the U.S. dollar. Japan for example.)

“Just use one of the tables.” Jane said, handing him an ink pot and quill, “And be careful of the spilled beer, I dislike sticky papers.”

After finding a table Jasson laid out the application form, the quill and ink pot, and his phone. Jasson still couldn’t read the text and had to use TrainSlate to fill the form out. Thankfully, despite never using a quill before, Jasson found himself scribbling away naturally. Why would he have this skill built-in and not the ability to read? It took him a couple of minutes per question, but there were only a few places he could fill out anyway.

Shaking his hand out ten minutes later, Jasson stood and stretched before bottling his ink and pocketing his phone. Then Jasson made his way back to the counter and proudly slid the paper towards Jane. Jane looked at the paper, squinting and pulling out reading glasses as she tried to make out what it said.

After a few minutes, Jane set the spectacles down and sighed, saying “I hate it when I’m right.”

“What do you mean?” Jasson said, prickling, “I didn’t know how to fill out most of it. You said that it was okay if-”

“That’s not it,” Jane rubbed her head then plastered a smile on, “Are you sure that you can write your own name?”

“Of course,” Jasson said, feeling his neck start to burn, “And my handwriting isn’t that bad! Look, this is J-a-s-s-o-n.”

Squinting, Jane held the paper up to the light. Then she sighed again and shook her head.

“If you say so,” Jane said, “But…you do know that other people need to read this form, right? Just….tell me how to spell it. I’ll write your form out for you, okay?”

“What?” Jasson said, “No! I just spent all that time filling this out.”

“Well I can’t read a word you wrote!” Jane said, twitching the form out of reach and dumping it in the trash, “That’s fine if it’s a signature, but not for the rest. And I’m quite good at this. I would normally be able to read it, even if it was in Mench, but this is some kind of made-up gibberish!”

Recognition dawned in Jasson’s mind like a particularly old light bulb. He’d filled the application out in English, not whatever language they spoke here. Of course she couldn’t read it.

“Fine,” Jasson said, groaning as he swallowed his pride, “I’m sorry. You fill it out. Please. My name is Jasson Boar. J-a-s-s-o-n B-o-a-r. Do you need my middle name?”

“Wow,” Jane said, scratching away at the paper, “Feeling royal, aren’t we? Your parents even gave you a middle name.”

Two minutes later Jane finished storing the papers in the back and returned to the counter. She seemed less annoyed with Jasson and even smiled as she sat down. Then she opened a drawer in a cabinet under the desk and fished around in it.

“Congratulations,” Jane said, pulling out a round token on a string, “You’re an adventurer now. Advancement is determined mainly in two ways: Time spent on quests and money donated to the cause. ”

Jane tapped a wooden box with a word carved into it below a coin-sized hole. Jasson pulled up TrainSlate and took a picture. Then the robotic male voice said a single word.

“Tips.”

****

Outside the city of Stalt were farms and bloodless killing fields, but go a little further and you'll find a forest. Jasson did not quite understand what a real forest was. He thought that it was a bunch of underbrush and trees, filled with harmless animals.

In this case, he was correct.

“Tipping culture has gotten out of hand!” Jasson said as he dug through the underbrush, “I can’t believe that wanted a tip for that. I mean, all she did was write down a few words!”

Jasson sighed, rubbing his back as he looked around the forest floor, then said “At least she wasn’t rude when I couldn’t give her a tip.”

Spotting one of the herbs, Jasson knelt and pulled at it from the root. He wiggled it back and forth but didn’t have a shovel to dig the whole thing up with, instead digging into the loamy soil with his fingernails. There wasn’t any desperation beyond the fact that his muscles were already sore and the day was nearly over.

But if he brought back fifty of these flowers he’d get five copper coins, which had to be worth enough for dinner. Jasson would sleep on the street since it was summertime, and then tomorrow he’d find a better quest. He’d be okay.

The flower gave way with a snap and Jasson took a breath of rich earthy air, slight moisture speaking of a rain earlier this week. Jasson added the flower to his pile, almost having the first ten to bring back. He dusted his hands off and looked around for more. Thankfully this area seemed full of these flowers, and it would only take an hour or two to collect the rest.

Unfortunately, after only ten minutes Jasson found himself on his phone again. Bored, tired, and wishing for a sink to wash his hands in.

“Blast it,” Jasson said, holding his phone high, “No signal. And only that cat video and some games left.”

Reclining beside a rather pitiful amount of herbs, Jasson tried to find a game to take a break with. He could try Do-A-Lingo, and his finger even hovered above the button for a while. But since he had lost his streak Jasson just couldn’t see the point of getting started again.

“Plants vs Skeletons,” Jasson said, “Sandwich Surfer, Crepe Crush, hmmm…oh! Punching John.”

It was an old game, he’d basically only downloaded it because his mom didn’t like it. It had a 3D cartoon cat on the screen and you tapped it in various places to ‘punch’ it. The little cat had various funny reactions, and Jasson felt like venting his frustration.

“What the heck?” Jasson said once the app loaded, “Why is this the camera?”

Jasson moved the view around, tapping on the screen. Nothing was happening.

“Well that’s cap,” Jasson said, “What the heck? Is it AR now?”

Then Jasson spotted something on the screen. A pale blue squishy-looking thing. It had a couple dots for eyes and moved like no creature he’d ever seen, hopping around like a gelatinous beach ball.

“Huh,” Jasson said, “Is Punching John a slime in this world?”

Jasson tapped it and sure enough the slime reacted, although it didn’t say anything. Still, that was better than nothing. Jasson kept tapping it in various places trying to find the weak point when-

Splat!

The slime died on the screen, oozing down into the forest floor.

“Boo,” Jasson said, lowering his phone, “Punching John never…dies…”

Jasson looked in front of him where oozing into the ground, the slime lay dead. Real and really dead.

“Woah!” Jasson said, looking at his phone, “COOL!”

Flower’s forgotten, Jasson wandered through the forest looking for monsters to kill. Slimes were pretty common, but he occasionally found a rather large and angry bug. He even gathered the corpses together, preparing to resell them. Now this was fun.