I went into my pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes, then grabbed one before lighting it. Moving it to my lips and feeling the bud between them, I took a puff and exhaled, staring out the window.
“Close your legs.”
“I'm not interested in looking between them.”
Her eyes flared slightly before relaxing. She wasn't ashamed, but she did blurt it out.
“Are you a virgin?”
I frowned at her and said, “What?” I rosed an eyebrow.
“You've heard me.” “Are you virgin?”
“You're acting like one or do you not like girls?”
What she said did not affect me. Not in any specific manner, but I think her tone made me uptight. She sounded like one of those brothel girls who are always trying to lure me into buying something.
“I am not. I haven't been for a long time.” I murmured, puffing smoke from my lips.
“I see.”
“Me neither.”
“So, everything should be alright.”
"If you do not want me to close my legs.” She smiled.
I didn't say anything to her. We sat there for over 15 minutes, and she simply watched me smoke. One of our classmates stopped by. She opened the door and saw us, taken aback by the way Mai sat before me. She quickly closed the door and proceeded down the hall.
We said nothing about it, either. I was uncomfortable. I recall how I felt while sitting there. It was a sad reminder that no one ever honored any of my requests. I couldn't even get a girl my age to shut her legs. It was one of my major flaws. Being physically powerful yet intellectually and emotionally fragile as a young bird. Nothing I said mattered. No one listened to anything I said, not the girls, my father, or the guys I worked with. They took what they wanted, and I permitted it. I wasn't as powerful as I assumed.
She swung her legs together, looking out the window. Our classroom had
extremely large windows. Everyone was busy preparing for the cultural event, so
the school was a little busier than normal.
I gazed in her direction as I extinguished the flame of the bud on my desk. I
cocked my head slightly to one side. Mai looked beautiful from this
angle.
I didn't pay attention enough
in the past. I did not pay attention to any of the females in my school or
class. I thought girls my age were usually so disconnected from the real
world. The most important issue for the majority of them is the inability to
wear cosmetics or tint their hair at school, among other
insignificant things.
Mai stood up from her seat and walked towards me, my gaze closely following her
movements. She stood by my side, staring down at me with the same vacant,
lifeless eyes. They were so black that I nearly saw my reflection in them.
Something about her gaze made me uneasy. She stared at me the same way my
mother did, with nothing in her eyes.
"Hiro-kun." She mumbled.
Nobody's ever called me that before. I must confess that it took me by surprise. She had my full attention at this point. Although I refrained from speaking, I did acknowledge her use of my name. She smiled slightly before leaning forward and kissing me. Just on the lips. It was quick, as if she were playing with me.
"What the hell?" I shouted but was swiftly interrupted.
She kissed me again before I could say anything. This was one of the longest kisses I'd ever experienced at the time. I could feel her tongue move all over my mouth. In fact, it felt as if our tongues were fighting each other, and the louder the ruckus outside, the more furiously she kissed me. I ultimately gave in. She smelled like fresh roses, which was a natural fragrance, but it caught my attention since it was so sweet, unlike anything I had ever smelled before.
I can't recall what occurred next, but Mai was on my lap. I hastily moved my chair back as I heard it scrape on the floor of the classroom, which was loud. She sat in my lap, her legs dangling off either side of my thighs. She wrapped her arms around my neck and continued to kiss me.
She was so cold. Her skin was chilling and silky, and I felt her right hand grasp the back of my neck, pushing my face closer to hers. Any closer, and we would seem to be melting into each other's bodies. She placed her left hand underneath my uniform shirt and moved it up to my chest, feeling the bandages around my torso. I let out a slight groan, and I could see the corners of her lips curl up into what appeared to be a grin.
Before I could respond to her strange manner of loving the fact that I was in agony, I heard a group of footsteps walk down the corridor. There were laughs coming from what seemed to be a group of girls, maybe accompanied by a guy. Mai ignored this. Personally, I wasn't uncomfortable. I'd spent my whole life being invisible, which was never an issue for me. What troubled me was her impulsiveness.
It felt almost like whiplash. We hadn't talked since she asked me to walk her home a month and a half ago. I was now permitting her to sit on my lap and consume my face with her saliva. Mai, in a strange and twisted way, reminded me of my mother. She reminded me that women were my greatest weakness and would lead to my demise. It didn't matter how much they abused me, if they gave me an ounce of their attention. It did not matter if they abused or ignored me. I still wanted them to notice and love me. Mai was another woman who was sent into my life to test me. Another woman that I would have allowed to abuse and mistreat me.
I wasn't sure what to do with my hands. I pulled away as she moaned softly, almost as if forcing me to kiss her. That's how it felt at that moment.
"Slow down, Mai." I pushed as I grabbed her upper arms and gripped them forcefully. She jolted as she glanced at me, surprised. Her demeanor was different and more vulnerable, and her eyes trembled along with the rest of her body. In a weird sense, I understood what this meant, which made me feel sorry for her.
While my communication skills were always lacking, I had a great ability to interpret people's expressions and body language. It was clear. Her eyes told me she wanted to feel anything other than the obvious misery she was experiencing within. She wanted to feel something that would both please her and distract her. She needed to feel like she had control over something—anything. Even if it meant surrendering her body to me. That look made sense to me. I've had that look many times myself. It's the same expression I gave my father to make me feel like I was in control as he repeatedly raped me. I knew it was a lie deep inside. Neither Mai nor I had control over anything. But we lied to ourselves. I believe it enabled us to live like human beings, even though we were nothing more than empty shells. Black holes that absorb every light that attempts to penetrate our lives.
We had sex in class that evening.
It was quick, but I allowed her to use my body, and I enjoyed it. It was the first time I had sex with a girl my own age. It felt strange. I'd never felt this way before. My father oversaw my first experience with a woman's touch when I was approximately 11–12 years old. I'm not sure what explanation he used to convince me I needed it to happen or to convince himself. I assume he wanted to make sure I didn't develop a taste for men because of the things he did to me and allowed other men to do to me. I assume that was his insurance. I recall how much pain I was in back then. I was finishing up my Irezumi tattoo, and everything ached. Everything at once. I never enjoyed sleeping with that lady. I still recall it as an unsettling experience that I cannot erase from my memory.
She was a prostitute who worked for my father. She resided in one of our brothels in Kabukichō, a red-light district. I doubt she wanted to do it, either.
Of course, I never told Mai about this, and there was no need to. For four months, Mai and I were sexually involved. It was a secret between us. I allowed her to use my body, and she let me use hers. We weren't together, and what we had was unlabeled and safe.
Some of the kids in our class suspected us, but it didn't matter since we never talked directly at school. However, after school, we would gather every day toward the end of the field outdoors. There was a hidden passage that went outside the school, so no one noticed us leaving together. It was like a game to us. We tried not to be caught as we sneaked around.
For a period, I loved going to school.
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