My mind still doesn’t want to be settled when I’m on my way back to Grandma’s. Even less so when I notice Mom’s car is here, which means, the rest of everyone is already here.

Great, here it goes.

I know postponing is only going to make things worse, so I head inside. Deciding that dealing with any problems now is better than leaving them unresolved for when Jackson and them come over. It would only make everything worse if I didn’t. But, it doesn’t make it any easier going up the path. My feet practically drag themselves as I go.

‘You have to face it eventually.’

I know

‘So why are you stalling?’

Because maybe time will freeze and I won’t have to deal with it.

‘You know better-’

I know.

I’m through the door and the chaos is almost instant. A heavy feeling practically swallowing me up. Grandma, Sydney, Bailey, and Mom are in the kitchen talking and cooking, Grandpa is in his room talking to someone, Jonathan pops inside from the back porch, and the T.V. is on on the other end of the house. Everything seems to collide and I don’t know how anyone else is unbothered.

I keep quiet, unable to say much even if I did want to, I just go with whichever direction is offered my way. I’m in the kitchen before I know it and watch everything going on for a moment trying to figure out how to help, but also afraid to jump in and mess up whatever rhythm is going on.

Sydney looks up at me for a moment, her face not angry the way I expected it to be before she speaks up.

“You can help with potatoes, we still need them peeled and cut.”

Almost as if she knew the struggle I was having, I go straight into the task.

“Okay…”

I want to apologize for earlier, and I even almost do, but can’t. Instead, I try to leave it unspoken now until I finally do.

Bailey makes her way to me to help, but I’m still unused to her presence. She seems nice, but just the thought of why she’s here makes it hard to let my guard down. I want to be nice to her, but the best I come up with is not to be mean.

“Hey, I’ll help. Do you want to cut or peal?”

I give her a quick glance before speaking in a hushed tone.

“I’ll peal them.”

I still can’t seem to manage to give anything more than quick responses to her. Almost like I know it’s needed to keep my mouth shut and not say anything I’ll regret sharing later. Which, yeah… I do. Without much of a filter, it’s better for me to stay quiet, or mostly so.

Mom pipes up while she pours a glass of wine for herself.

“Oh, Maddy, Jackson called and said he’ll be here shortly. When he comes, you can help him settle in. We’ve got enough hands in the kitchen, so when you’re done with those, don’t worry about anything else.”

I look up at Mom grateful to get out of here sooner rather than later.

“Are you sure?”

Grandma’s the one now saying something.

“Would you rather the boys taunt him? You’re fine. Like your mother said, there are plenty of hands in the kitchen today. You get to help me with supper all next week to make up for it.”

Grandma smiles and I do back. I love helping her with cooking, so it’s far from something that’s bad for me to trade out for.

“Hellen, will you get me a glass too?”

I go back to peeling potatoes, and staying kind to Bailey when passing them to her. It’s not long before I’m done, and almost like God timed it Himself, there’s a knock on the door. A ring of the bell shortly after. I head to it but find myself hesitating before turning the corner like everything’s crashing on me again.

Just chill.

‘You’re going to mess this up!’

‘You’re going to do something to turn him off of you!’

This was a bad idea!

‘But it wasn’t yours. Mom told you to invite him.’

‘That doesn’t mean you should have. He’s going to think you’re weird. You’re going to talk too much, or not enough, or say something wrong, or do something wrong, YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE HIM HATE YOU!’

What do I do?

‘Breathe. It will be fine, you’re just overthinking it again. Breathe’ (GOld)

A few deep breaths, and one last breath before I round the corner to see Jackson as he talks to himself on the other side of the glass door. He stiffens before looking up at me and gives a sheepish grin. That and the faint red peeking on his face, I can tell it’s him. He has a couple of boxes in his hands.

I smile back and open the door for him as my stomach flutters. My words are short but for a differently-similar reason than earlier.

“Uh, hey.”

“Hey.” His tone is quiet before it shifts fast into someone else entirely.

A grin now beaming and words with clear loud excitement.

“Hey, Maddy!”

He pulls me into a hug and I find my nervous self melting into one happy to finally have my best friend entering another part of my life.

“Hey, Conner.”

He pulls away and gives me a look over. Something again shifts in him.

“You look nice, but shouldn’t we head in?”

It’s clearly Alder now. He stands a bit more tall and his tone stays even.

I turn and lead them into the house and to meet everyone more formally. They’ve met my Mom and Bailey, but not everyone else. Well, besides the guys outside because we all go to school together.

Sydney keeps glancing at us, but Mom and Grandma stay stuck in a conversation.

Wait, what should we even do?

I freeze as it seems even harder to think clearly than before. Almost like my brain is buffering in a way. d

Not thinking this far, I realize I’m not even sure what the next step should be. After I do introduce them to everyone. Should we join Cliff in the living room? Grandpa and Nathan? Outside?

I’m not sure what the best idea is. I do know that I definitely have to be careful of each interaction. Trying to think that through takes longer than it should.

Alder would like hanging out with Grandpa…

Connor,

…

Connor with everyone in the kitchen.

…

But Jackson?

…

…

Him and I usually enjoy less of a crowd.

‘He’ll act okay with just about anything to please everyone.’

…

If it was me doing so, I’d deal, but I want him to genuinely enjoy himself. The only option that leaves is outside by ourselves. At least at first to get used to things.

Oh, thank you, God.

Having the excuse beyond myself, I’m glad to get out of this noise.

(Add conversation from Mom and others that Maddy didn’t hear in ALder’s POV)

“Madison, introduction? It’s the polite thing to do.”

Alder whispers in my ear to help me realize we’ve waited too long. I didn’t realize that everyone’s attention is now on us. I thought they where still talking, but it isn’t their voices I’m still hearing.  He and I butt heads a lot, but he does have a way of knowing the right way to go about things. How to help me not make the wrong steps which I tend to do, a lot. How to deal with everything.

“Yeah, sorry. I just…”

“No, I get it. Too much right now to think clearly. Just remember to take it one step at a time, okay?”

He keeps his words hushed and gives a tender smile. It’s not often he offers them, so I take them when they come.

“Everyone, this is Al-

‘Stop!’

“Jackson.”

I correct myself but not before Alder taps his shoe into mine. No one here besides Bailey actually knows that Jackson has multiple selves. Not even Mom. She knows we were linked up at the clinic, but wasn’t told anything more than that he was there because of depression. It’s true, sort of, but not the original reason he was placed there. Just an after-effect.

“Jackson, this is everyone.”

Alder gives his usual formal smile before offering a greeting of his own.

“It’s a pleasure to be here. Thank you all for allowing me to come over, I brought some pies. Is there a place to set them down?”

Another smile, this one is less formal and more playful. His demeanour too shifts to more of a settled one, but almost like he’s waiting to say something else. The energy is bright and enthusiastic.

“Oh, you can put it on that counter, sweety.”

Mom points to the one just in front of us and I grab the pies to put them on it for him.

“Just make yourself at home. Maddy can help you if there’s anything you need.”

Grandma gives the same welcome she gives every one of our friends. Her home is one for everyone she always says. Especially to those with homes not so welcoming. She likes to make everyone feel like family. We make our rounds, only extending our welcome to Grandpa and Nathan before we do finally make it back outside.

“That’s kind of rude, Madison. You’re supposed to greet everyone, not only a few in the house.”

I turn to Alder as we head to walk down the street.

“Trust me, I did you a favor. I introduced you to the ones needing to be. Cliff would have just pulled you into talking your ear off and made comments that you would have found immature while Connor would have had a hard time not being himself, which would only irritate him while Jackson would have been nice, but bord. If we went outside to meet everyone there, they would have hassled you which would have led to another set of problems. Besides, you already knew them anyway. Most of them, that is.”

A sweet smile and set of eyes I can’t quite place apear before it’s replaced by Connor laughing.

“You’re pretty awesome.”

A little confused, I’m not used to being complimented often, let alone when there doesn’t seem to be a reason behind it.

“What do you mean?”

I go back to turning forward while we walk.

“You just, know us. It’s pretty awesome. You’re about the only one that seems to know us well enough to even tell us apart.”

“It’s actually quite nice.”

Jackson’s hand brushes against mine which makes another set of fluttes burst through my stomach. I want to grab his hand but don’t. I’m afraid that he doesn't actually like me, and it would make things weird. We keep walking for now and I wonder if things will still be the same next year.

“You know… I really hope we’ll be friends again.”

Jackson stops almost like he’s never thought of it before, but then again, maybe he hasn’t.

“What do you mean?”

I turn back but keep my eyes away from his.

“Well, next year. I hope that we get to be friends again. Out of everyone I know, you’re the only one that it hurts to think I’ll forget. I just hope that when we do have our memories suppressed again, we’ll get to meet again and get to do this all over again.

Jackson grabs my hand and his eyes seem to flicker between his and Connor’s.

“Madison, I don’t care what it takes, I’ll make sure we’re friends still. I can’t imagine not having you in my life. Forgetting you or not, I’m sure I’ll know there’s something missing in my life if I ever had you taken from it. It might sound weird, but getting to know you these past three months, they’ve been the best I’ve had. The best worst in a way.”

“And I’m just getting to know you.”

His eyes shift again. He doesn’t have to explain what he means because I understand exactly what he means about it benign the best of the worst. Getting to know him, having him in my life, having someone that gets me in ways others haven’t, it’s something I don’t want to give up even if it’s at the cost of everything we’re being put through technically to have met. In a weird way, it’s like the tests, the time at the clinic, the voices, all of it makes us closer because no one else understands in the way we do. Even forgetting, knowing that we’ll forget, it’s something that’s only understood by the others in this cycle with us.

I give him a smile before my eyes drop. It’s hard to keep them on others when heavy stuff is shared.

“You know, in a way, you’re kind of like Peter.”

There’s a laugh from him that I can’t pin whose it is exactly.

What is going on with you?

“How so?” His tone is soft, yet confident.

“He was someone I always wanted in my life. A friend that meant the world to me,”

‘He meant the world to Iris, not you. He was her best friend.’

I know… That’s what I was referring to.

“That’s you… Making promises to take on the world just to keep us together, it’s everything I felt I needed, and I just…“

I don’t know if I can handle losing another Peter.

‘You never lost the first one.’

It feels like I did. Like I do every time I have to forget him again. Is that what they’re going to be?

There’s a slight squeeze to my hand before he starts back walking, keeping hold of me as he does. His touch helps me from thinking too hard about what’s to be lost.

“Then, I guess I better make sure to take on the role well. You mean the world to me as well.”

His words warm my heart. They don’t sound exactly like something any one of them would say. Not exactly the words themselves, but the casual seriousness behind them. The tone.

Maybe Jackson is growing more comfortable?

‘You know it’s something else.’

‘Don’t think too hard about it. You’ll only create something that’s not there. It’s just Jackson.’

I decide to go with that. Part of how I can tell the boys apart is the feeling many times I get between them. Like there’s a shift in the way things feel about them, I’m not sure how to explain it. Like I’m around someone different even though it’s the same person. Like even though they share the same body…

There’s an explanation I can almost grab, but not quite. Like it’s there, but hidden.

Whatever it is, it feels like Jackosn, but isn’t the way he usually is around me.

‘No… there’s something more. You can feel it.’

Do I?

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more uncertain I am. Like focusing on it makes it harder to tell. I decide to give it up for now and just enjoy them.