In 2020, Christmas time was much more subdued than before. We weren't exactly on lockdown, but it was highly advised that we only leave our homes for essential activities, and only essential workers were asked to go to work. 

Well, we weren't essential workers. Drag queens really aren't, are they? Not like a grocery store worker or especially a doctor or a nurse. However, my Tata would tell you different. But, even if he wanted to entertain everyone and keep their spirits up, he still didn't want to cause anyone to be sick. That was the greatest risk. So much was still unknown about this. No one was vaccinated. A vaccine wasn't even on the horizon. 

I'd moved in with him in July. It was too much of a risk for me to keep coming over to his apartment and he to mine. His apartment was much larger than mine, and after a while I was basically living here anyway. It was only a matter of bringing over my things, and I didn't own much except for a rather large collection of CD's. I was actually rather lucky that I didn't get Covid during that time. I was coming over so often, braving taxis, because the trains were too much of a danger. Not to mention, the taxis were hideously expensive. He'd paid for a lot of it, but I felt bad about it. 

Things were getting serious, as well. I admit, it had started as needing someone. Missing that closeness. He was always so open with me. He'd started talking to me more often, because he was so convinced this thing would be over with quickly. Maybe he wanted the pandemic to be over quickly. Either way, he was talking to me about the music he wanted me to play for upcoming events. Such as, what would Cham want for this event? How about Darla? Or anyone else? How comfortable was I with shifting my style? I'd only started there a couple of months before. He could see I was still shaky with it. So, these conversations were more like coaching, and I found myself beginning to expect his calls every day. Pretty soon during quarantine, my days revolved around them.

He later told me that his days revolved around those calls, too. Was it too early to call me? What if I was eating lunch? What if I was in the bath? Well, I didn't care if I was eating lunch or in the bath. I'd answer no matter what. 

I started going over to his place instead of the phone calls. That's when things exploded. 

By Christmas time, we were a couple. It wasn't as intense as I thought it would be. When you're around someone all the time, don't you tend to fight? Get on each others' nerves? Step on each others' toes? It wasn't that way for us, somehow. He never wanted to fight with me. Even if I did something stupid, such as accidentally ruin something of his, he understood. He understood, for example, that it was an accident. 

His maturity about such things was unrivaled, and I suppose that's because he's eight years older than me. At first, I thought that age gap would be a problem, but I find I strangely enjoy it. He's much more level headed than someone my age. He doesn't want to play games. He's tired of games. It's so refreshing that I don't even know which way is up sometimes. And he's patient with me, because he knows I'm younger. I know I'd be fighting with someone my age. I never thought this sort of age gap would be the right fit, but here we are. 

Not only that, but our conversations. They're what started all of this. He takes the time to think things out. We'll pause sometimes for a while, thinking carefully of what to say next. The cozy feeling that brings to the conversation is unparalleled. Being right next to someone and not feeling the need to talk. You can take all the time in the world, and they'll be right there trying to listen to you. That patience is the difference. That's love. 

So, what kind of present do you get someone like that for Christmas? Especially when you can't go out, and they intercept all of your Amazon packages? Yuuuki, your new shaving kit came. Yuuuki, the cat toys you bought arrived! They're so cute! Ohh, Yuuuki, here's that cassette tape you were talking about, that recording you were talking about came. Let's listen to it right now.

It was all because of a conversation.

The TV was on as usual. It was a cooking program about baking cakes. Maybe I'd bake a cake for him for Christmas? Was that enough? He didn't really enjoy cake, though. He liked to maintain his body. He valued what went into it. I was struggling to come up with ideas, though. There were things he liked. But, none of it seemed like enough. He liked club music, but I didn't know enough about it to get any of it for him. He liked old jazz, but he'd combed through my own collection of that and was satisfied, plus there was all the jazz and club music he could ever want online to listen to. He'd never mentioned a specific artist that was precious to him. It's not as if he'd want a signed album or anything like that. 

I was thinking about what he'd possibly get me for Christmas, how he'd be sneaky and that's adorable, when he plopped down next to me with a glass of wine. It was a white wine, I remember. 

"Here, taste this. Is it good?" he asked, immediately handing it to me. I took it and sipped. It tasted like any other wine I'd ever tasted, because I secretly had a stupid palate. I can't tell the difference, I can only taste the alcohol and that's all my mouth wants to focus on. He was more one for tasting individual notes and really appreciating it. No wonder he owned a bar, right? He wanted to share those things with the world. Maybe a grand bottle of wine was the right choice for his present, then. But, where would I get the money? We were barely surviving as it was. 

He was smiling at me, though. Waiting for my opinion. So, I said a winning line that I said sometimes. "Wow, I can't believe this wine was eight hundred yen. Tastes so much more expensive."

"Oh, doesn't it?" he was so satisfied with that. He took it back and began sipping pleasantly. I was just watching him as he watched TV, happily drinking his wine. 

What in the world would I get for him? It was only a couple weeks until Christmas. Surely he'd thought of something to get for me-

He was bouncing on the couch. I was completely distracted by this. "Yuuuki," he sighed. His glass was almost empty, so did he want me to get him some more wine? I'd be happy to. I was about to get up off the couch, when-

His arm descended onto my elbow and squeezed. 

"Hmm?" Staring into his cute eyes. They definitely wanted something from me.

"What are we going to do for Christmas? Mmm, I want to do something romantic. I never have a boyfriend at Christmas. I want to go somewhere with you, but we can't go somewhere." 

My ears would have been perked all the way up like a cat if I had been a cat. 

"Oh, yeah?" I asked, smiling at him, adjusting closer to him on the couch. 

"Yeah."

"Where would you want to go?" The wheels and gears were spinning in my head. Recording information.

"Mmm. I don't know. I like the Roppongi Hills illuminations. Do you know them? Near Tokyo Tower. All those lights on the trees. My eyes could never figure out if they were blue or white, or if my eyes were playing tricks. Are they blue?"

Was he colorblind? Of course they were blue. Or, maybe he was being wiser than me, and therefore being mysterious. I chose to be quiet and listen. Encouraging him with my smile and nod. 

He thought for a little bit, this part of our conversations that made me feel warm all the time. Was he remembering these lights? How many times had he been there? I'd never gone there. I wanted to go there with him. How much I longed to see those actual memories reflected in his eyes, so I could see them, too.

And then...

"Ohh, I want to go there with you," he sighed. "I just want to go there with you. We can walk together hand in hand, all the way to Tokyo Tower if we want to. Then, we can walk all the way back to the beginning. I'd walk all night with you. It's so romantic. I want to take you to see the lights."

It was too perfect. This sudden idea. How would I do it, though? 

I took his hand and he gave me a small smile, replacing the melancholy look he'd had. I squeezed it, and he squeezed back. He had a beautiful wish, and it was so simple. If it hadn't been for the pandemic, we could have even gone right then. It would have been as simple as calling an Uber or jumping onto a train together. But, it seemed impossible, because doing anything seemed impossible.