The closer time ticks to heading out the door, the more I notice myself becoming uncertain about things. It will not only be the first time officially meeting Madison’s friends, but her too since the bridge. I keep playing things through my head of how I should go about things, how I need to treat her when in person, how I need to maybe talk to her about it, and how everything needs to be taken more carefully moving forward. I’m not afraid that she’ll break so easily, yet I know how fragile things can be. More so how maybe she’ll flip like someone I know. How things are fine in the sense that one can carry on still in the sense of being capable, but more so in the sense of maybe no longer being their self anymore, and I think part of me is afraid that is the road coming.

The closest I have to compare this too, he was already in the midst of madness when I first met him. Already the kind of person he is still today. I can’t help but wonder how he was before at times.

Madison is different. I can’t help but see who she is now and wonder if going through this will change her. If her descent into madness will change the kind-hearted person I’m so in love with now. If her light will fade or simply distort into something else entirely?

What if I lose her?

‘Loose her, that would imply that you had her to begin with.’

“You already are losing her. She’s already falling, but maybe you can help her through.”

No! I can’t let her fall. She deserves so much better than that.

“Bold of you to assume you can prevent it.”

“I have to! She helps me, and I can do the same. She’s been making me see the light, so I’ll be sure to help her see it too.”

‘Like you can actually do that.’

I can… Right?

…

Lord, uh, I don’t know how to do this. 

“He’s not listening to you.”

I don’t know if you’re listening, or even if you care about me.

“He doesn’t, so you might as well stop it now.”

If… Madison believes you’re there, I believe You have to be.

“You’re praying to no one. I’m the only one who will help you, Matthias.”

Help me.

“Stop praying!”

HELP ME, PLEASE! Block him out!

Hearing his taunts, a set of my own words come out as if I’m not even saying them. Like it’s instinct.

“I’M NOT GOI-

“JESUS, SAVE ME!”

There’s silence. For the first time in a long while, the silence is there in a way where a weight seems lifted off too. Every other time the air grows quiet, it’s as if it still holds a presence, but now… that presence is gone.

I stay for a moment almost unbelieving that this could be true before I continue praying.

Help me know how to do this. How to help her. I know I’ve done some messed up things, unforgivable things, but Madison says you’ll forgive me. That I can start over. Please… Please help me to be better. To do better. Please help me to be the man she needs. Help me to see the right way to go.

I’m not sure if the rest of my words got to Him, but I trust that they did. If God heard me enough to take away my long-term friend, then I assume He’s still with me.

I continue on in this weird bliss. It’s like I’m living a life that’s not mine. Walking around experiencing things the way I shouldn’t be. Having a freedom I’m not used to. It’s odd, but something I want to hold onto. The quiet of my apartment is even something that’s not suffocating like it normally is when I’m alone. It seems brighter in a way.

When the time comes, I take one last breath in this peace before moving forward to head over to Madison’s. Hoping, praying that I can bring it with me. That it’s not a fluke, but can be something I get to keep.

I’m at the door, and it takes me a bit off guard that it’s Bailey who’s answering the door instead of Madison. I completely understand that with it being a chaotic day, I’m not the only one expected to come, so Madison’s not going to be waiting to just answer everyone at the door, but a part of me still holds a bit of disappointment that her’s isn’t the first face I get to see.

I give a warm smile that comes easier than usual and offer a hand to introduce myself.

“Hey, you must be the lovely best friend, Bailey? I’m Matt!”

She gives me an odd look for a quick moment before offering a sweet introduction of her own.

“So you’re Matt. It’s nice to finally meet you. Just make yourself at home, or at least not so much that, but close enough. I’m sure you won’t take advantage like the other animals.”

She backs up, continuing on as she does.

“Snacks and drinks are on the island, feel free to head outside with most everyone, or in the living room. Games are set up, My brother, Ash is there, but he wouldn’t mind letting you in to play too. Maddy’s in her room for now, but I’m sure she’ll be out soon. She needed a moment.”

With another smile from her, she shuts the door behind me before heading off with one last something said.

“I’ll be outside with the guys if you need anything. Welcome to the chaos, but I really am glad to of met you. I’d offer a hug, but that’s completely up to you. Not everyone’s keen on respecting boundaries, but between Ash and Maddy, I’m used to the caution of physical touch.”

Not sure what she means by that, but I keep it in mind that her brother isn’t much for contact with others. It’s not something I’m always up for, but I didn’t know some were so hesitant about it. That was until meeting Madison. Then again, I haven’t had that many interactions to compare them to.

“I’m always up for hugs, but I’ll keep in mind to give your brother space. Anyone else I need to be cautious of?”

That’s a bit of a lie, but I’m playing friendly, and a hugger usually accompanies that. I don’t mind them, they just aren’t something I think too hard about.

“Awesome, another hugger! But, I just ask when introducing yourself to everyone. It’s always done me well.”

She gives me one before heading off officially to the back porch.

I take a moment longer to figure out what I need to do. I messaged Madison before I came and when I pulled up, but I go ahead and send her another before hearing a phone chime on the counter that’s recognized instantly as hers.

Should I check on her?

With Bailey saying that Madison needed a moment, I want to give her that, but I have a feeling that maybe someone should check on her.

What if she’s having another episode? What if she needs the space? What if she doesn’t and she’s just too afraid to ask?

I decide to go with the feeling and check in on her myself.