I slammed my head upon the ashes, feeling my sense of being start to fade off. My head felt a little moist but I felt refreshed the more I smashed my face down. Snot mixed with tears, all coming together in the ash. 

I wanted to curse at the heavens, to scream with all my might at the injustice I had suffered. But my mouth just wouldn’t open. I hiccuped everytime I even thought about speaking, only giving space for more tears. 

From then on, what I did I couldn’t remember. All I knew was that I found myself in a familiar room once more.

—

‘Your mistake.’

The final words that appeared before my sight. When I first saw it, I waved it off as a delusion. However, my benefactor’s words kept ringing in my mind. 

‘They called me mad, saying that I was seeing things.’

Both times, clouds rushed in to eventually have the skies split. And in both instances, something deemed absolutely impossible occurs. 

“Tell me, child. Do you think that it’s a coincidence?”

Hyu. His words still kept me company when I couldn’t see him. Soon, I would, Even if tears came from the pain I felt back then, they were still alive. If I just saw Araiel again…

I desperately ran away from the thought. The face I never got to see back then, would I be able to see it now? 

Impatiently, I waited a week whilst nibbling on goldberries. It was already known that if I waited a week that I would be discovered by Hyu and Marle again. We could start anew. A new start. The current village wasn’t safe, so I’d bring them all to a different location where they wouldn't be engulfed by lightning.

What felt like months had finally passed. Hyu and Marle discovered me. My mind was upturned with my convulsing body as I looked at their eyes. In 5 years, how much had they grown? Hyu almost seemed young when compared to how I remembered him. Marle still seemed relatively the same, but the wisp of immaturity was still present on his face currently. 

They extended an arm out like last time and pulled me up, deciding to bring me to their village. Just like before, Marle showed disgust towards what had been done in this room and the martial artists responsible.

I cried at the sight of them. Before, it was tears of salvation. How could I even describe these? 

Hyu chuckled whilst comforting me. “You must have been here by yourself for a while. It’s alright, we’ll bring you to our village. What’s your name?”

I had no name. But the children of the village had provided me with one. “It’s Zephon. Thank you, Hy–thank you so much for saving me.”

Shouldn’t I tell him? He was someone who guided me for many years—if I couldn't trust him, who would I ever trust in this world? It didn’t make sense not to tell him. My mouth opened, ready to tell them the truth about myself. 

Yet it closed as quickly as it opened. It wasn’t a conscious choice. Something had closed it without my knowledge. Even as I tried to open it again, it remained tightly shut. The instant my will to tell Hyu about my regression shifted, my mouth managed to open; only to be shut whilst trying again.

I couldn’t tell my own benefactor the truth. Why? Why wouldn’t my mouth open?! There was nothing ‘actually’ there! All I had to do was open my fucking useless mouth. So why was I unable to tell the truth to him?

‘Your mistake’

Not again. I couldn’t bear to be the cause of their death again. I wasn’t someone of this world—I could never know how my interferences would affect them.

Perhaps sensing my discomfort, Marle asked “Is there anything wrong, Zephon? Any internal injuries or something?” He crouched down beside me and tried assessing if there were any  issues with my body. What would he find? This was some twisted mental issue.

Was it that I didn’t trust him enough? Or was something cursing me not to say anything? 

It had to be the latter. I trusted Hyu with my life.

Like clockwork, I once again entered the village and was brought into Hyu’s home. Looking at Hyon, I felt tears rising again at the woman who had fed me for nearly 5 years staring at me like a stranger. Days passed. Many faces greeted me, the newcomer of the village. They definitely all looked at my eyes. So why was it? Why could none of them return my gaze of comfort and familiarity? 

Araiel would be found in the fields, and so would Rjae. These two still hadn’t come to greet me, something I was eternally grateful for. I wasn’t ready to meet them yet, not at all. For now, I stifled my discomfort and tried to integrate like before. 

This time around, I merely stayed inside the room provided to me by Hyu and Hyon rather than go out. I didn’t try to earn my keep—I just rotted inside. When the sun would start to descend, they would call me out to eat. 

Hyu questioned me with a tinge of concern. “Are you alright, Zephon? You seem to be quite troubled by something. Is there anything I can do to help?”

In a few years time, Hyu would tell me about a misfortune that befalled their family a few weeks before my arrival. Hyu’s brother had been one of the few members of the village to go out to the mainland, and it had been several months since he returned. He was one to never miss an appointment with them, apparently. 

They discovered through a friend of Hyu’s brother that a wandering martial artist had killed him in rage.

That day, I understood where Marle’s hatred came from. So I wanted to ask him—how, even at this time, could he look out for me? I wanted to speak about many things with him, but I already knew. I would never get the chance to. Who was I, a guest at his home, to ask about his struggles?

An absurd chuckle jumped out from my mouth. Infinite Regression. A blessing? 

My existence had been forced to remember memories that would cease to exist after my death. Those who I had known and grew comfortable with over years would vanish, leaving me to try and rebuild what once was by myself. 

For eternity, I would stay here in this world, longing for the past. Looking at the worried faces of Hyu and Hyon, I excused myself from the room and scurried into my room.

I couldn’t bear it.

With the silence of the night, I stifled tears whilst looking back at the forgotten memories I had lived. They would remain only here in my heart, never to see the light of day again. I wasn’t even permitted to tell the truth about my regression. 

A stranger forever.

Without much delay, I met with Hyu for a one on one conversation. Perhaps, this would be the very last time I would see him. It would’ve been ideal if I learned how to escape this forest without their help.

Sunlight had long disappeared; a heavy blanket of darkness was all that was left. Under this sheet, I grabbed Hyu’s shoulder and pleaded. “Please, bring me to the city, Hyu. You are right. I don’t want to do martial arts. I really don’t want to do martial arts! I have to. I got my memories back, Hyu. I’ve remembered things I wish that never came back to me. I can’t stay here anymore. Please, show me where the Tiger Fist Sect is.”

We both had to strain our eyes to get a clear look at one another. His brief look of disappointment flickered into resignation. Why had I seen it? What was I expecting from his face?

I didn’t know. The words of Hyu needlessly stung my heart. “Alright. I doubt I’ll be able to change your mind. Tomorrow, I will bring you to the Tiger Fist Clan. Just, please remember this. If things become too hard, you can always return here. Martial arts, it isn’t something you have to commit your life towards. Well, you must have your own issues. Rest for tonight.”

He parted with those words. Here, a place which I had started to call my home. Tomorrow, I would leave. Not as a member of the community, but as a quick guest of the village.

The tears that ran tonight. I engraved them deep within me. This was something I could not forget. 

I would have to live like this, forever.

My legs weakened to the ground; a severe pain seared my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. Both my arms tried pushing down on my chest, but nothing was changing. Left to gasp for air, I brought my body into a ball.

There had to be a way. 

Infinite Regression. Somewhere in the world, there would be a way to die for good. There would be a way where I could live one genuine life. Connecting with the hearts of others, only for the strings that bound us together to be cut onesidely.  

How could I live that way?

My body couldn’t stop shaking. 

How? 

Why had my life become like this?

Why could I not leave behind my terrible fate in the old world?!

All my thoughts kept circling around a single core. That, from now on, I would tread a path where no-one walked, apart from my old memories.

My eyes felt heavy, most likely from exhaustion. Even in another world, some things seemed to never change. 

A crushing pressure that constricted my breathing had descended upon me.

When that happened, all one could do was try and make a living space underneath that boulder. That was what I had learned on earth.

No matter what, I would never be able to remove this boulder off me.

A goal without a single definable end in sight.

If there was nothing to look at, I had to make the stop points myself.

In 4 years time, I would return here to bring them away from the lightning that struck. Past that, I promised to only ever meet them again after breaking this fate that shackled me to hell. 

Regardless of who it was that entered my life, I had to try and keep myself away. They too, would live for one lifetime before I became a stranger once more. Reconnecting with them, as a regressor, it felt sinful. No connection would ever be the same, even if I met them at the exact time as my past life. 

Peeling off the layers made up an individual—that was something mutual. For me to come and try to recreate that scene whilst already witnessing their bare self felt disgusting.

I would be chasing a string that was cut a lifetime ago. 

This was my resolution in my third life. 

Time would tell if it would stand strong, or be whittled away by the raging current named loneliness. 

—

Before I left the village, I had one final stop. The fields in which I had worked nearly 5 years in still looked the same as back then, albeit a little smaller. Within these lines of crop, one could find many people working hard for the village people. In my eyes, I saw two people.

Rjae Von, a 43 year old man who married at 24 and lived with his two children. He was a simple man, someone who told me that life became the best when one stopped taking it seriously. And indeed, it wasn’t wrong to say that Rjae was a content man. Strolls with his children out in the village, community work—he was a people person.

It was with his aid that I also stepped closer to Araiel. A faded blue tunic would always be wrapped around her out in the fields. She normally preferred to work at the eastern section due to there being more shade. Her favourite pastime was building wooden sculptures. Her eyes were something that could replace the sun with their intensity and brightness.

That was what it had to be. From afar, I simply had to admire her. 

I clenched my teeth. Even my thighs started to shake as I stared at this tranquil scene. 

“Excuse me, are you the newcomer called Zephon? Are you alright?” 

There was a face gently holding a soft smile staring at my face. 

…What? When had she gotten this close? My balance faltered but I tried to remain composed. “Y-yes, I am fine. Sorry, I am really busy right now. I hope you live a great life, and that nothing wrong happens to you. Ah, really, please live a good life. Goodbye.”

At my words, she gave a strange look. “Ha, haha, thank you? Well, I wish you a happy life too.”

Both our eyes interlocked. Inside there, would I find what I wanted? My warmth.

Would it be reciprocated?

I couldn’t find it. A simple warmth at greeting a new neighbour. 

That was the depth of emotion in her eyes.

I bolted away, feeling my heavy breath course through my body. Though many thoughts kept circling in my mind, I tried my hardest to suppress them and just wait for Hyu to arrive.