Aiden Rai

“look. I'm sorry we don't have enough money for you to be blowing on drinks and other junk with your friends every day of the week!”

“Since when have you been so concerned with how anyone spends money? Weren’t you the one that went off on that “business trip in July? To hang out with your “Boys” down in Vegas?”

“Kaitlyn, you know full well I didn’t pay for that trip!” 

“What do you call losing a grand on blackjack and slots then?”

“OH MY GOD, you never listen to me, you only listen to the things that sound the worst to you!” 

“Oh and how exactly is that?” 

“Because you magically forget every time, you bring this up that Alex gave me two k to spend in the casino. That ‘grand’ you try to blame me for losing was a gift!” 

“I won't forget! Babe, I just don't think it makes sense as to why a man is giving another married man 2k to throw down the drain.” 

“I’m sick of this… you're doing the same thing as always, just shifting the blame as to why you’re making bad decisions on to me.” 

“I am sorry... For wanting to be able to go out after a long day of work and have a glass or two of some whiskey.” 

“Oh god here comes the apologies now... “ 

“No, you wanted me to apologize. I’m apologizing…”

“Not like…” She cuts me off abruptly

“I'M SORRY! I work from 6 to 7 every day!”

“What’s the point in working so much if you blow it on drinks every night?”

She scoffs at me, just like always. Like always she gets worked up over the fact that I am concerned for our daily expenses. She makes it out that somehow I’m the bad guy for thinking about our son, and the rest of my household. I don’t… mean to nag, I’m just trying to get her to see that she's not heading down a good path.

“You know what? AIDEN? I don’t have to take this. Whatever this is supposed to be… and I'm not taking it tonight.” 

I clench my teeth as I watch her reach for her jacket, and these many feelings stir inside of me.

“KAIT?” I call a bit sternly. She snaps to turn to me, almost as if it was instinctive. I’d hold my face in my right hand and shake my head in disappointment. As she turns around, I feel tears beginning to roll down my face, wetting the palm of my hand. “Gonna go drown out your problems in a bottle of alcohol once again, aren’t ya?”

I get answered by the sound of our door squeaking open and hearing her shoes clack down the hallway. I walk over to the door and watch her as she makes her way over to the elevators. I feel this feeling of loneliness and sorrow sweep over my body in this cold tingle. Once on the elevator, she turns and watches me as the doors close shut. And I let the door to our house come to a close as well.

Turning around, I'd lean back onto the closed apartment door and allow myself to slowly slide down. I didn’t have any more tears as I’d cleared them from my face. I cry from time to time, sure, but I could never let my son see me like this, so… broken, conflicted. I often at times find myself sitting in my empty apartment living room alone, wondering why I was.

 I remember from the past my Kait would sit on the couch alongside me and watch all kinds of shows. We’d put together puzzles, draw together, and cook. I couldn’t understand why this had all been lost. Every time I’d sit alone, I’d ask myself the same questions, but never actually provide myself with any type of answer. “Why am I such a bad husband? Why doesn’t she love me anymore? What did I do wrong?” 

Those were the questions that were flooding my mind right now. I couldn't figure out what It was that I, specifically, was doing wrong. All I knew was that for some reason, one way or another, my wife and I were like a bridge that didn’t connect. This, for rather obvious reasons, made me upset. I wanted to reconnect, and I’ve tried multiple times in multiple ways, but it just never seems to do anything.

“Is mommy going to come home tonight?” I heard, looking up, I saw Kaiden peeking out from his room. “I don't even know what to tell him..” I think frustratedly while doing this weird half nod, half shaking my head in motion. I don’t know if it means yes or no myself. I can’t expect him to guess what it means either. Nor can I just leave him unsure. 

He just stands in the doorway looking so innocent, so pure, his hair… Reminds me of Kaitlyn’s… It takes her color and combines our texture. The bright brown hair practically glows as the light from the moon strikes it. His murky blue eyes droop heavily. They are dyed softly with a bit of redness, as if he'd been crying. 

 This upsets me deeply, knowing that I've caused my little boy some kind of distress. I know I have to make it right. Frankly, however, I’m not really good at that type of thing. If things keep going the way they are at the moment, I'll be a professional in no time. I give a soft chuckle to the idea, but refrain from doing more than that.

I slowly stand up pressing my hands against the cool wooden floors at the door, allowing my back to slide up against the door. Being so upright, I walk over towards my son to give him a bit of comfort. His room is just down the hall past the Living room, directly across from Kaitlyn’s and my room. “Kaid, you should be sleeping right now, buddy.” I try to keep an earnest soft voice as I speak to him, I definitely wouldn’t want any of my… stress, from my wife, to show through to Kaid.

“I heard you and mommy talking loud, it wake me up.” He would rub his eyes and sniffle a bit. Crouching down a bit I lift him and carry him back into his room where I hold him for a bit. “I’m sorry Kaid, mommy, and I didn’t mean to wake you up.” I apologize to him, keeping my soft tone. “I get sad when you talk loud to mommy.” 

Ouch… His innocent words pierced straight through my heart. I wanted to cry.

I would lay him down softly into his bed, covering him up with his starry sky quilt. “Mommy and I just get a little upset with each other sometimes.” I start to explain with a sigh while I tuck him in neatly. “Sorry we get so loud buddy, I’ll try to be quieter next time… mkay?” I say, finishing tucking him in. 

“Okay.” He responds with a quaint sleepy voice. I nod with a bit of a heavy sigh, “I Love you Kaiden.” I make sure to emphasize as I rub his beautiful hair. “I love you too, daddy.” I smile and give him a kiss on his forehead as I start to head towards the door. “Can you read me a story?” He’d say very softly. He was pretty much asleep already. 

I’d chuckle, knowing he wasn’t going to be awake much longer. I went and grabbed a random book from his shelf, before lowering myself onto the floor beside his bed. “Jon Graham: The Law Firm, He’s a really good author you know… I think you’ll really enjoy this. Maybe you’ll grow up to be a lawyer or something. That would be big.” Turning around, I see his blue eyes gazing at me. They seemed to have a glow to them. 

Opening the book I'd begin to read.  The combination of complicated words that were compiled to form a sentence after sentence. Many of the pages were filled with words I'd never even heard before.  As I read, I'd lean up against my son’s bed. It was actually pretty interesting. I'd never read it before. These books were more of Kaitlyn's type of thing. She liked the thrill of the murder mystery and the excitement of the court. 

We'd read somewhere in an article reading books that were harder to understand to toddlers, helped them go to sleep quicker. It made sense in all honesty. I found myself dozing off a couple of times. Even then, the book drew me in. I was pretty sure Amanda planted the Knife in Jeremiah's car. But the detectives were taking Him into custody for Phil's murder. Stupid detectives.

I'd scoff at my thought when I heard Kaid toss and turn behind me. Looking up, I'd see Kaid's eyes peacefully shut. It was calming seeing how well he slept. Watching his chest rise and fall as he breathed. As a smile spread across my face I would close the book, carefully place it back on the shelf as I stood. Before I walked out I'd turn and watch Kaid for a little longer. Even if I didn't have my wife, I would always have my son. I took comfort in this, however; it was scary that I'd think that way in the first place.