Early morning light was streaming through the curtains of our room. Tetsu was still fast asleep, and I let him remain so. He had to be exhausted. I'd let him sleep as long as he wanted. I wouldn't make any fuss. I'd even slipped to the bathroom and back without him noticing. I was proud of myself, this sneakiness. I'd used my wheelchair and everything, and the wheels had been thankfully silent, except for the small kiss-y noises the rubber of the wheels made with contact to the floor as they turned. But this had only seemed amplified due to it being so quiet.

I was back in bed now, laid on my back, staring at the ceiling as its color slowly emerged with the light. It was a light blue. 

It reminded me of the color of the contacts that Tetsu used with his costumes. When he was Aurelia. 

Back when I'd first heard about him, I didn't know what the name "Aurelia" meant. I mistook it for the word "aural", which has to do with hearing. I thought that was kind of neat, because he's a singer. But then I started to really get into the ocean, and marine biology. And I discovered one day that "Aurelia" comes from the Latin name for a moon jellyfish. Aurelia Aurita. When I read that, I stared at the book I found it in for about twenty minutes, fanboy-ing about it. 

It made complete sense. Aurelia was called "the Mermaid" by his fans, the mermaid in question of his band, which is called Mermaid Orchestra. Of course his name would come from the ocean. And from such a pretty creature...it was almost as pretty as Aurelia himself. 

This naming reference was later confirmed, with a passing mention, on his blog. I triumphed in having figured it out independently about a year earlier. 

As a performer, Aurelia was not very strange to me. There were plenty of performers in visual kei, a grouping of Japanese music by fashion choices, who were like him. In fact, dressing as a girl (DR.A.G) was common. But what made Aurelia stand out to me was that he didn't categorize himself as a visual kei performer. He was just dressing in drag, he'd said, because he liked dressing in drag. This made my eyebrows raise about him. 

You see, because I am a performer who also likes to dress in drag. But for me, it's not drag. It's just how I like to dress. It makes me feel pretty, and when I feel extra pretty on stage, I perform better. 

I kind of wondered if Aurelia felt the same way. If maybe, there was something more to it. Such as maybe...we might be the same. 

This led me to have a unique appreciation for Aurelia. Not to mention, he sang the kind of music I like the most. And his voice. Ohh, his voice. It was a mixture of feminine and masculine. I can hardly describe such a thing. He could be singing in a woman's voice in one song, and as a man in another, or use a mixture of both and something in between to get something truly unique. I loved that about his voice. All these characters. And his voice was so strong. You could tell sometimes that he was shaking the very roof of the place he was singing in, just in his recordings. 

I could never sing that loud. I was too afraid. Instead, I let my voice be delicate and perhaps breakable, and this became my style. A sweet little thing. It really worked when I sang opera. It made for very young girl sounding versions of the songs. An innocence there. My high vibratos could sound like the ones I made on my violin, and just as much able to make people cry. I was very proud of this. 

Of course, but then I caught Aurelia in my net. And there he was. I could finally ask him all of these questions. But how to even bring it up? I was antsy. I needed to know. Even if he said no, that he was all cisgender male and not the least bit interested in dressing in drag outside of a costume for his shows with his band, I'd be happy with that. Anything he answered, that was okay. It was just a question I'd been sitting on for years. I wanted it answered. What did he think? What was the answer? Was he like me? I had to know the answer. 

Especially because, when I came out to him as transgender so suddenly, he didn't bat one eyelash. He gave me the very enthusiastic equivalent of a shrug. Where had that come from? Did he know that wasn't the typical response to something like that? How much that shocked me? Did he respond like that because he was somewhat like me? 

I was finally able to ask in early November. He was getting ready to post some pictures to his blog. I was familiar with these. "Photo sets" he called them. He said fans liked them, and I said he was absolutely correct. He'd laughed at this. He was overjoyed, remembering that I was his fan as well as his boyfriend. "I have a fan's perspective now! I bet you can tell me all kinds of things about what works!" I just thought, good God, Tetsu, I'd tell you absolutely anything. Especially when you're dressed like that. But I was too nervous to speak.

He was wearing a long medium-dark auburn wig that was a tumble of wavy curls, like a mermaid, cascading down his back and front. His lipstick was a darker red, but not gothic, a matte. Made his lips look almost like velvet, I thought. He was wearing blue and purple eyeshadow, which really played up his blue contacts, and very long lashes. He'd done some highlighting and shadowing to make his face appear more feminine in shape. This I had watched in awe. Just that transformation. Honestly, watching him put on makeup was one of the most secretly erotic experiences of my life. I thought, I'd never tell him this even if my life depended on it. 

I'd helped him put on his corset to gain the shape he liked in his costumes. This had been the most secretly erotic experience in my life #2. He was so pleased that I knew what I was doing with a corset. I just said, "of course I do. You've seen my costumes. I like historical fashion. If I didn't know how to tie a corset I'd be an abomination." He'd let out a very cute sound at this, I about melted to the floor. And this led to the most secretly erotic experience of my life #3, which was him hugging me while wearing just a corset and under things while having his hair and makeup fully done. I was so glad he couldn't see my face. The warm, waxy, powdery smell of his makeup...it will never leave my mind.

All that was left was the final piece, and that was the dress. A burgundy colored organdy A-line beauty, off the shoulder type of sleeves. He picked it up and stepped into it. It was all on, except for the zipper. He smiled at me, and said, "help me zip it?" I almost cried. 

The truth of the matter was, I was secretly attracted to Tetsu no matter how he dressed. As a man, as a woman, any way. If he told me tomorrow that he was a transgender woman and wanted to transition, I'd be his biggest cheerleader. There would be no enthusiastic shrug from me. I'd assemble the biggest parade he ever saw, so much confetti, so many fireworks. The biggest celebration. I loved him so much. Because at the end of the day, I loved him as a person. Plain and simple. And I wanted that person to be happy, no matter what. No matter what he told me, I'd be overjoyed for him. 

I stepped up to him, and he watched in the mirror, smiling. His makeup made his already overly large eyes appear even larger, like he was an anime character. He played them up like this on purpose, to give his features a more feminine balance, I'd learned. And those eyes were watching me, now. 

Suddenly, I decided, now was the time. I slowly zipped up the long zipper, thoroughly enjoying the sound. I fastened the button at the top slowly, pretending to have trouble with the loop just for my own satisfaction. 

I looked up in the mirror, saw his face staring at me. His eyes had a contented, blissful look to them as they watched me. The look filled my heart with butterflies. He was getting satisfaction from this, too. I decided to prolong it. 

I undid the button in a flash, then dragged the zipper down so it made a quick sound. His eyes widened in the mirror as he heard the sound and felt that, and his mouth opened. But he was smiling just as fast, seeing my grin in the mirror. I slowly zipped up the zipper again, making that long sound, watching the zipper go up his back. I saw and heard him sigh, seeing his back relaxing. 

As I fastened the button, he started to talk. 

"You know, I haven't told you something."

My eyes darted to the mirror. He was staring at me, a slight smile on his lips, the edges of his beautiful eyes upturned. My eyebrows lifted. He seemed to take this as a cue to keep going. 

"I know in English, pronouns are very important. In Japanese, there's other ways to tell if the speaker is female or male or chooses not to say."

I had definitely noticed this about Tetsu. When he spoke on stage as Aurelia, he spoke in a feminine way. As a girl. Using clever sentence structure and certain words. But, when he spoke to me as Tetsu, and on his blog, his sentence structure and word usage was honestly in the middle. Which had been another thing that made my eyebrows lift.

He was pausing now, seeming to be thinking. 

"Hmm. I don't know how to explain it. There's a lot of western terms for this sort of thing. I know a lot of them, but... Hmm..."

I was frozen. What was he about to tell me? 

He looked down at the floor, but he didn't have an unhappy expression. Just a thoughtful one. 

"Hmm. You know, my mom doesn't even know I think about this." 

"What are you thinking about?" Out of my mouth before I could stop myself. My eyes widened in the mirror at my boldness. I pressed my lips together to prevent myself from speaking further. Just let him talk!

He was still staring at the floor. That thoughtful expression still there, but now a slight smile turning on his lips. 

"How do you say it in English? When you say, I don't care if I'm 'he or she or they or them'? You can refer to me as any of those and it's okay?" He'd said the string of pronouns in English. He'd lifted his head as he said this, a smile on his lips, his eyes so happy that he had crinkles on the edges of his eyes. 

Oh, Tetsu.

All I could think to do was wrap my arms around his waist. Press him to me. He relaxed in my arms. I pressed my forehead to his neck, at a slight angle. It drank in his warmth, half of my forehead meeting his wig, which was draped over half of his front for the zipper's sake. 

I found the words. 

"Are you 'non-binary'?"

I heard and felt him gasp, a sudden, quick shock of air. A pause, and then he started rocking his hips from side to side, slowly. So happy. 

"Yes." Said in such a feminine whisper, like he was royalty. Like a Princess would say it.

My arms tightened on him, and he stopped his happy dancing. I felt him turning to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist. His face found my neck, and I felt his warm breath. His wig was tickly on my collarbone. 

He whispered so quiet, that I had to guess at what he said, but I knew I was correct, and my heart descended to my toes, just breaking.

"But don't tell anyone, okay? Please, Sana? Don't tell anyone, because... That wouldn't be good. Okay? Please don't tell anyone."

Tears had leapt to my eyes, but he couldn't see. I had never heard him speak in that tone of voice. So scared, so quiet. He was normally so bold and loud. But now he was... Scared of me somehow. 

"Oh, no, Tetsu, I wouldn't-"

"Call me 'Aurelia'."

My tears were shocked out of my eyes. I involuntarily sniffled. He lifted his face to meet mine. And I could see he was crying, too. His face, so full of shame. A deep sadness, a long sadness. 

My voice shook. "No, I won't tell anyone, Aurelia."

His face crumpled and so did mine. 

"Don't tell anyone this is the real me," he whispered, in quiet agony. "Don't tell anyone."

I was so choked up, I couldn't speak. I just held him so tightly. For so long, as he cried into my shoulder, all of that makeup coming off. I petted his hair, gave him tiny kisses all over his face. Stared into his eyes with a worried expression, held his face. 

I realized at that moment something so important. All this time, I had been focused on having thought I found someone like me. I was living out as myself, in secret, but still out. I got to be me every day. But now here was the person I loved. And he couldn't do the same, even though he sang so boldly, twirled in dresses all day, smiled so much in the makeup he loved. So scared of it, that he was scared of the person he loved, too. Of the very person he thought he found who was like himself. 

We didn't shoot the "photo set" that day. Instead, we sat on the couch in the living room, talking. He calmed down, and told me all about himself. That he liked being called "Tetsu", that was fine. But he didn't mind being called "Aurelia", too, and that would be the name he chose for himself if he'd been born a girl. And by that, he meant if he were born a transgender woman. Because he wasn't a transgender woman. But he didn't feel like a cisgender man, either. He was, as he put it, "in the middle somewhere". He liked wearing masculine clothes every day. But he felt really pretty and happy dressed as Aurelia, too. So, I had been right about one thing. Dressing pretty on stage did give him more confidence. 

Afterwards, we cuddled on the couch. He'd cleaned his face and put on makeup again. We assumed the customary pose, where I was on top of him as he hugged me tightly from below. He rubbed his cheek to mine sweetly, and all I got was his intoxicating makeup smell. 

All I could think about was how amazing he is. Just as he is. 

Finally, I knew the perfect words to say. 

I looked into his eyes, and he looked blissfully in mine. It wasn't hard to tell that he'd wanted this. The expression in his eyes made my heart melt, that he'd wanted this with me. 

I lowered my face down, close to his face, so careful. "I love you just the way you are," I whispered to him. 

I felt his whole body relax completely. And I was met with the most contented, happy, gently euphoric face I'd ever seen on anyone in my life. I was so happy for him, so proud. 

I lowered my face the rest of the way down, acting like I was hesitating at the last second when his beautiful red lips were already puckered, and this made him smile for a split second. And I kissed this smile. His whole body stretched, all of his breath escaped his body in a whoosh sound around my face, so warm. His fingers scratched up my shirt in the stretch. 

They were the movements of someone blooming.