Every day when Sana is asleep, I tell our story. I have a blog that I've had for a long time. I used to use it for music, but now, I tell a much different story. And that's okay. 

Secretly, for myself, I am keeping a record. For a time when...I hope never comes. But something inside of me can't stop. I need to keep this record. A diary, of sorts. For everyone to see.

Today, my boyfriend is not having a good day, but is in good spirits. My Sana-chan is adorably sleeping a lot. He had a little bit of low blood sugar today in the morning. He's okay now, though. It was no big deal. Then, in the afternoon, he had an asthma attack. He had his nebulizer treatment. He's okay. He is sleeping now. I'm watching over him, do not worry. He'll never leave my eyes! I promise. Today, I'm reading a manga on my cellphone. Does anyone know this manga? The name is 'I Hear the Sunspot' by Fumino Yuki. It's one of Sana-chan's favorites. Maybe we should start a book club? We can read together! What are you reading, these days? I want to know! 

I know I am glazing over some things. I know their true meanings, when I downplay a lot of things, for everyone's sake. But, downplaying it somehow makes me feel better. It reassures me, somehow. Even though I know it's a little fake. Still, letting others know and making them feel better somehow makes me feel better, too.

I started doing this sometime in early November, when Sana's condition started to worsen greatly. He'd started to fall down to his hands and knees. At first, it was me exclaiming and worrying about him. A desperate plea. Maybe somebody knew a way to help. But, gradually, it became something else. These posts started to take over my blog, and before I knew it, I was doing this recording of daily events, for everyone and for myself. I know that Sana's band members and friends read my blog every day. That way, they said, they know what's going on and they don't worry, and don't have to worry me with constant phone calls and texts. I'm grateful for that, too. It'd be overwhelming to have people constantly calling and texting. I'm glad we've fallen into this routine. 

Sana says our fans are re-posting my blog in a small forum that he discovered long ago. It's a gathering place for fans of both of us, but it used to be just for Lyra fans. It's a forum that is in English, because Sana sings a lot of songs in English and therefore has a lot of fans from the Western side of the world. They learned he is sick from my blog. 

Sana says he is grateful for that. He didn't have to make some formal announcement on his own blog, which has laid silent for a few months due to his illness. His last post was: See you in a while, my Little Stars. I'd be nothing without you. As you know, our band name, Lyra, is taken from the constellation Lyra. What is a constellation made of, my Little Stars? A constellation is made of little stars. Without a constellation's little stars to create it and keep it shining brightly, a constellation does not exist. You are why we exist. I love you. Without you, I would not exist. Thank you. He posted it in English and Japanese, so many people would not lose its meaning.

I remember the first post and why I posted it. The horror I felt. What I now know, but didn't know back then. That helplessness, the desperation. I've felt it over and over, and am no more better equipped to handle it. It's not something you ever get used to, because every time is a surprise. You never expect for it to happen again, even though it is inevitable.

We were walking on the beach together, hand in hand. Sana likes the beach a lot. He doesn't make a lot of money, so he likes activities which we can do for free or nearly free, like going to the park. He doesn't like for me to spend money on him, either, he thinks this is burdensome to me. But, oh, I'd spend the world on him if he'd let me. So, maybe it's better that he limits what I can spend on these occasions. However, I love the beach, too. My fans don't call me "the Mermaid" for nothing, and I didn't choose my name, Aurelia, for nothing. The beach is without a doubt my favorite place, and I think Sana knows that, too. It's also his favorite place, because where he grew up is surrounded by the beach. The beach is home to us. We went there all the time.

We were talking about music. Our favorite Japanese artists. We were finding we had a lot in common in that regard, and he told me he kind of suspected this. We like so much of the same music already, and he'd discovered some of this by mentions of some artists on my blog. He'd get so excited he said, when he discovered an artist that I liked was also one who he liked. 

I noticed we were walking slower all the time. I thought maybe he wasn't thinking about it and slowing his walk, as he got more excited about the subject we were talking about. I pulled my coat tighter around myself, letting go of his hand. It was kind of a chilly day, starting to get colder than Autumn. 

He wasn't beside me anymore. I stopped, a strange emptiness coming over me. Something lost, confusion. A wrongness, a doom filled feeling from the top of my hair to the nails on my toes, like chilly water dumped all over me. 

Then I realized what had happened, and I turned around as quick as I could. He was there on the sand, on his hands and knees, staring at the ground, breathing hard. His hand was on his chest. In a moment, he'd dropped onto his side, laying there in almost a fetal position, curled up. 

I wanted to scream, but I couldn't do that. He was in trouble! I couldn't lose it. I had to stay calm. I fought every part of myself, and knelt down beside him. The sounds of the waves were in front of us, the sounds falling over us all the time, the only other sound in this time right before the twilight where the evening becomes the night.

"Sana-chan! Are you okay?! What happened?!"

He just breathed, closing his eyes shut tight. "I can't- I can't breathe- I don't- I don't understand- what-?"

I listened to him, my eyebrow crease deepening, watching him try to explain, but we didn't have time for that. He managed to get out, "my heart is pounding so hard all of a sudden, I can't breathe, my legs went numb, my arms are weak, my tummy is nauseous, my face-" in his short breaths, before I pulled out my cellphone and dialed emergency services. 

They found us on the beach a few minutes later, and in the space of that time, I'd seen his eyes flutter, and his body relax. He'd passed out, right there, and there was nothing I could do. I was helpless. I couldn't scream. My hands were in my hair, grasping at something, anything, just overwhelmed, my body couldn't stay still, my own heart pounding so much, my brain trying to think of terrible things, but I couldn't let it go there. Breathing so hard, and if I stayed there for much longer I wouldn't have been able to control myself. I would have lost it. 

It was so different than the time he passed out at Disneyland. When that happened, quicker than I had time to react, Disney cast members had descended upon us. They had an AED machine just in case, taken from a local shop very close by. They were touching me, assuring me, trying to keep me calm. So many people there to help us immediately. But this time, on the beach, we were utterly alone. 

The paramedics checked him over, listened to his heart, connected him to an O2 monitoring device, and a heart rhythm monitoring device. They gave him oxygen. Once in the ambulance, they connected him to a blood pressure cuff, and his blood pressure was so low that the machine beeped in alarm. This made me panic more, but I couldn't panic in an ambulance! I might get in their way if I lost my mind. So I tried to stay as calm as I could, trying not to even move. 

In the end, he was diagnosed with his asthma being the cause. He'd gotten too excited, and caused an inflammation reaction. The newly cold air was also playing a part, from the cooling of the evening, his asthma not liking cold air. I didn't know these things could happen. But I do now, so I look out for it. Every time he gets any symptoms from his illness, it is a lesson for me. I know better what to look out for, every time. 

If I analyze it now, I know his heart was also playing a part. It was two reactions, at the same time, but the doctors did not catch it. That is the most terrifying thing about all of this. The doctors are not always reliable in their diagnosis and treatment, especially if they don't know him. That's why Yokohara-sensei is such a blessing. She often catches what they don't, just from her knowledge of Sana.

When we were back home, Sana took a nap on the couch. The first of many. He was exhausted. I'd ordered some food for us, being careful to choose a lot that he could eat. We always ordered a large side of colorful vegetables for him no matter where we ate, because it was a great side dish that he could always reliably eat without worry of getting sick. I always ate a big helping of these, too, because he was always so worried about my nutrition. He wanted to make sure I was getting a lot of vitamins and minerals. He calls these "unicorn hairs" from Western stories he's read. In Western mythology, unicorn manes and tails are magic. They have healing properties. So, if you eat them, you heal from all of your ills. Sometimes, you become immortal. I can definitely tell why this story was endeared to him. So, because of this story, I always eat my "unicorn hairs", these vegetables that we include with every meal. It makes him smile so contently.

So, while Sana slept on the couch, I took out my cellphone. I found myself crying the panicked tears I'd kept inside, but I was strangely calm. I posted questions to our fans and friends, asking if they knew anything about asthma and why it can sometimes be caused by getting too happy about something. I was desperate for answers. I said it without really referring to what had happened, or why exactly I was asking these things.

So, I was startled by what came next. How unexpected it was. That angry text from Yami. He was furious.

No, no, no. What are you posting about Sana? Lyra doesn't post stuff like this! Don't you care about him? What are you doing? Take it down right now, enough people have seen it! That's so selfish! You're not thinking! You should be ashamed for posting something so private!

All of Lyra of course knew about what had happened earlier that evening. I'd called them myself. So, Yami knew exactly what I was referring to. 

But, I didn't take it down. He didn't control me. I hadn't said Sana's name or anything. Nobody knew that Sana was the "friend" that I hung out with all the time in my blog. No one knew that I even knew Sana, or that we were connected. They were just innocent questions. None of the other members said a word at the time, either, but Nobu told me much later, in December, that he'd been glad I'd started posting about the medical stuff like that, because, he was desperate for answers, too. Maybe someone who knew something about this stuff would respond, from any walk of life, and give us some reassurance. And most importantly, Sana didn't say a word to me about it either even though, I knew that since he is as a fan, he still read my blog daily.

I did get a lot of messages about people talking about their own stories. People who's asthma triggers including getting too excited. I got my answers. It was even a common trigger. I got exactly what I needed, including people asking who I was talking about. A few even guessed it was about my new "friend", but I didn't confirm this. 

Encouraged, I started posting more. Vaguely, at first. Asking more medical questions. Fans and friends, and especially my family, were getting more concerned. Who was I asking about? Where was this coming from?

Eventually, I got a call from my mom. I'd already talked to her earlier in the day about random things that had nothing to do with this. But, after a particularly passionate post about something terrible, unthinkable, that had happened that day, my mother called me in alarm. This post confirmed it: these medical questions were about my new "friend". And my mom knew who that "friend" was. My whole family did.

She called, and told me she wanted me to bring Sana home. To have a family meeting. That was near the end of November. She said, "tell your company anything. Tell them I am sick. Something! Show them your blog and say it is about me, so you can come home. We're so worried, Te-chan. Your questions have been about Sana, right? Oh, Te-chan, I had no idea. I'm so..." I heard her get choked up on this last word, and I got choked up at her emotion. "I'm so, so sorry." 

I began crying, and she began crying, too, her voice just shaking in it. "Why? Why didn't you tell us? Were you ashamed? There's nothing to be ashamed about. Your mom is here for you. We're all here for you! We're here for Sana-chan, too. We know you are gay, Te-chan. You told us when you were eleven! You don't have to hide a boyfriend from us! We want to meet him again, knowing who he is now. He was so kind to me. The nicest young man you've ever brought home. So considerate, helping me bring in the groceries from the car. Dusting the house without being asked. He was taking care of me, wasn't he? I know since he took care of me, that he must care for you so much. I want to meet him again. I want to meet your boyfriend, Te-chan."

I could only cry, rolling sobs. She cried with me. We cried for a long time together.

It was because of these blog posts, my family finding out, that somehow, in a chance of luck, that we were all together at a theme park, the perfect place, when Sana had a heart attack. For that, I'll always be grateful. I can't bear to think what could have happened if he and I had been alone. 

So, every day since, I wrote a post, an update about the events of the day. I knew now my family was also watching over us, reading these posts and being reassured, knowing the full truth. And that was so comforting to me. It became my way of comforting myself, too, my best coping mechanism. 

I read over today's post before pressing the button to post it. It seemed right to me. I was excited to read everyone's responses about their favorite books. I pressed "post" and it went live. 

Content with this, I looked over at Sana. He was still sleeping, happily, I hoped. 

I brought up my reading app, and continued to read the book Sana had mentioned to me. "It will resonate with you" he'd said. I was eager to see what he'd meant, and just happy to read something he had enjoyed so much. So, without another thought, I opened the book.