Alice turned from him as he reached for her. He pulled her body into his—her back against his chest, holding her into a hug; a special trick the two used to do to calm her anxieties. She had almost forgotten. So much had been lost to her mortal time. Slowly, memories started to come back, trickling in like the seconds of her life. Memories from a previous lifetime were never like this. It had never been this chaotic, this dangerous. Maybe it was. Now with the lens of mortality secured to her eyes, maybe it really had been this chaotic, this dangerous. Maybe, it was impossible to stay now.

She never should have come back, never should have remembered. It would have been better to believe it was the fairy tale dream of a damaged girl.

She pulled away from him. Standing in front of the door, she held her hand out towards it, hesitating before soft fingers traced the cold metal. "I'm not the same anymore. I grew up in the mortal world. I got a taste of reality. I'm not fit for all of this now." She paused, focused again on the intricacy of the metalwork that traced the wood. Hands had built this gateway to the mortal realm; someone must have at some point, right? Not that she knew, no explanation ever existed for its reason.  Maybe, once upon a time, the worlds were connected more intimately, but as long as Alice had known of it, this door only worked for her. Back then, back when she could, she had come and gone. To and from the mortal world to Wonderland. Coming and going as she pleased. Sometimes multiple times in a mortal day.

Time, it didn’t make sense, not here in Wonderland anyways. Alice had all but given up trying to make heads or tails of it. Time from both worlds never seemed to interact with one another, like they were on two separate planes of existence. Wonderland, a land made of dreams and imagination, didn't operate on it. Not the same way, anyway. Day and night had moved forward, a carefree watch that circled their world; two hands orchestrated by the sun and moon. Moving forward yet no one changed, no one aged, no one died. Only Alice. Day and night, that was where the commonalities between the worlds started and ended. It wasn’t linear, it wasn’t a ratio. Time just didn’t line up at all between the two worlds.

As a child she would come to have her day of play, have her fun. The day would turn to night, and the night into morning and like a responsible child, she would rush back to a family who hadn’t noticed her absence. A fluke, Alice remembered thinking it must have been an error. They were busy doing their adult things so of course they didn’t miss her. But then she did it again, and again, until one day she took notice of the analogue clock on the microwave before she traveled back to Wonderland. She repeated her fun, came home when the moon left the sky, but to her surprise, that digital clock had only blipped forward by one minute!

It was confusing to a child’s, but the young Alice caught on quickly. She could stay longer and longer in Wonderland and no one in her family would notice! So, she had done just that. Pushing each stay longer and longer until she had all but forgotten to go back. Spirited away by whimsy, she had lost all desire to go back home. So, she didn’t. She grew up in Wonderland. Built a life in Wonderland. Built relationships in Wonderland. Loved in Wonderland.

She lived her whole life here.

Then she left.

She had gone back to the mortal world. Predictably, time had moved forward but not by much. A whole life for Alice in Wonderland was, at most, a week in the mortal world. Time wasn’t connected, wasn’t linear, and to her surprise, that meant her mortal body in her mortal world hadn’t aged. She had gone back to being a child! The same aged child who she left behind. Forgotten and abandoned, she had welcomed her back.

Alice knew then, staring at that fog eaten and moss-covered door, stepping through, it would all go back. She could go back to before she had the chance to even consider another lifetime with Mad. She knew, going back now, it would be like she never left.

"I can't deal with all this nonsense anymore. I convinced myself it was all made up, a childish dream. But it's all real." Alice paused. The pain in her voice radiated through the pain in her chest. It would have been easier to believe it was all fake. Maybe she could go back to it. Was she irrational? Her nerves and her brain were caught up and frazzled, fried by a near death experience. A calling in her heart was pleading for her to stay, a desire she believed was rooted in emotion. Logic was telling her to run, find safety, live.

She had to follow logic.

"Goodbye again, Mad."

“Alice, wait!” Mad yelled and simultaneously grabbed both her shoulders.

“Mad, stop! This is hard enough as it is,” she pulled away from him. His touch felt like blazing embers against ice. She wanted to melt into those heated coals but instead froze those desires and reached for the handle.

“Just listen to me for once!” Mad yelled at her, his voice cracked and serious, its tenacity startled her. The ferocity of his hands pulled at her with much more force than before.

“What the fuck, dude!” Alice yelled as her bare shoulders screamed out in burning pain. The sensation radiated from where his fingernails indented into her supple flesh. She lost her balance before he steadied it as his other hand wrapped around her waist. She turned to face him; her mouth wide as it readied itself for condemnation. Her lips parted but nothing came out when she noticed the seriousness that locked his eyes on the door; his grip tightened.

KNOCK! KNOCK! BANG! KNOCK! The sound of banging against the door startled Alice, sharply snapping her attention back towards it.  She reflexively reached for the handle, swiftly, Mad grabbed it up, snatched her away before she released whatever was asking to be let out.

The knocking grew louder and more impatient. KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! The noise intensified, growing erratic between each beat against her exit home.

“What the—?” Alice’s voice trailed off as the banging kept growing angrier and frantic. KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Alice spun around. Her eyes wide and face ghostly. Looking to Mad for explanation, but there was no kind and gentle reassurance to be given. Instead, she was met with an intense gaze, hyper-focused and serious. A wave of panic swept across her body; her skin raised with each rapping against the door. Whatever was behind there, it wasn’t anything good.

The sound of creaking and cracking began to echo with each aggravated bang; the door was starting to weaken! Alice squeezed Mad’s hand, “What should we do?” she asked. He didn’t respond.

The hollow moaning of screaming wood melded with the groans of screeching metal. The sound surrounded them with an awful medley. It grew into a monstrous cry until it was painfully loud. Then, like someone had turned the key, a loud metallic CLICK! emanated straight from the keyhole. A sudden gust of wind sucked from the small hole, attempting to pull everyone and everything into it. Leaves and debris unwillingly rushed towards the tiny opening, shrinking in size to fit rather than clog it up. Mad’s grip on Alice tightened. Clamping onto her shoulders as leverage, he spun her away from danger—blocking her body with his, so that his back faced that dangerous keyhole instead.

“Mad!” she screamed into his chest as he held her protectively against it. Holding onto a tree branch struggling against the wing, he dug his feet into the ground, slipping as his body played tug-o-war against that dangerous force.

Before they had a moment to process their next move, the suction instantly stopped, and it was over.

Alice reluctantly turned her head away from her protector and looked past him.

It was gone.

The tree that stood tall, with arms wrapped around a frame had changed. It was no longer what Alice had remembered. Instead of a doorway back, there was a knot in the tree where the door had been sucked through; a twisted navel was all that remained.

Her door. Her only way back was gone.

“Where did it go?” Alice's voice trailed off in disbelief as she stared blankly at the now doorless tree—it was just a tree. No magical door, no way back to the mortal world. Just a tree where the center caved inwards, spiraled into itself, a mess of knotted and twisted wood.

“What in the world was that?” Mad asked more seriously as he stared it down, ready for whatever happened to happen again.

“It’s gone.” Alice responded to her own question. “Where did it go!? What did you do!? Was this to keep me from leaving!?” Alice strung together baseless accusations as tears clung to the corner of her eyes. Accusations that found its points in Mad, darts without a solid target.

“What?” Mad asked her, offense written all over his face. “Of course it wasn’t me, I don’t even know what that was.” He took a breath; her aggression was stemming from worry, and he knew it. Mad wrung his fingers together before running them through his hair, tilting his hat back to get at his fiery tendrils. The sting of her accusations was pulling at his nerves. As if she really believed so little of him. To be so manipulative and cruel. Mad didn't want her to go; not yet anyways. But he would never put her in danger to keep her with him.

“So, I’m stuck then.” Alice felt the weight of her legs give out from under her. Her feet buckled and her knees bent. She slumped to the ground and she stared up at the looming, normal tree that had always granted her passage before. What was she going to do? Could she do anything? Had there ever been any other way to travel between the mortal world and Wonderland? Or had this been it? She had never questioned the source of the door, or if there had been others. Logically, it would make sense that there were more options, of course there were. There are usually multiple ways to get from one place to another. If a road was closed, there’s always a side road to turn down instead. Logically, she would just have to find that side road. Logic, however, never much applied to the world of Wonderland.

Her hope died back down remembering that fact.

Mad squatted next to her, his fingers wiped away the rolling tears. “Pockets,” Mad cooed the familiar nickname as he bent down towards her, his hand rested on his knees. Coddling her like a lost child, he spoke to her with soft meaningless words. He was just as lost right now, just as confused and was battling his own emotions watching Alice fall apart into disarray. Her sadness broke into his heart and wreaked havoc in its structure. He couldn’t understand why she was so adamant to leave so soon after they reunited. So distraught that the option to leave Wonderland, to leave his side again, was suddenly unavailable. When before, she had wanted to make her life there with him, desperate to stay by his side.

She was overwhelmed. That he at least understood.

It still hurt.

He offered kind, sympathetic words and gently held her between his hands, like a newly emerged moth from a chrysalis, wings far too fragile for the world.

“Come on, we can’t stay here too long. They’re sure to come back after all that noise. Let’s go where it’s safe for now. We’ll figure everything out later.”

“But—“ Alice felt the start of panic rush into her gut. That sudden drop in her stomach catapulted the cold sharp pierce of anxiety that ran down her spine. “I have to get back home. I got Grandma to take care of. And I have a paper due on Monday. I don’t belong here anymore.” Her voice trailed off as the reality of the situation settled, sending her into a state of shock.

She couldn’t go back; she couldn’t go home.

Home, there was that word again. 

Do you even want to? Really?

The thought creeped into the back of her mind. She pushed it away and pulled herself up with Mad’s guidance. She held his hand, large and warm, while his other hand supported her cold, clammy shoulder. She felt so comforted at that moment. When, just a few moments ago, he had been driving her crazy. She threw accusations at him, and yet he was kind and understanding. This Mad, this is the one she remembered. This kind, soft hearted man, warm like an embrace. The Mad who cared.

“Come on, why don’t we go back to my place. We can figure this out from there.” His soft voice fluttered through her senses, breaking the panic and hiccupping tears she was holding onto. He never let go of her hand, he held it gently in his, while his other hand lifted into the air and drew a familiar circle.

A small aura began to build, whipping the air around them into an electric buzz until the portal had opened.

Kind, soft, and gentle once again, words of tender encouragement fluttered into her ear, Mad whispered, “don’t worry yourself, you can do this now. Just like you did before. Just remember what my home looked like. What our home here was. Use your imagination to see it and we’ll step through when you’re ready.”

Alice closed her eyes, took a deep breath. The sound of his low, soothing voice worked its wonders across her heart, mind, and body.

Home. Where is home?

There was that question once more.

Alice thought to herself. She remembered what it had been before. Not the home in the mortal world. But where she had grown up before. Her first life with Mad and the family she had built here. She had to remember the house, the terrace, the yard, and the swing. She started to remember that’s what it looked like; her heart started to remember what it had felt like all those memories ago.

“Good job jellybean.” Mad said soothingly as he held his hand against the bare shoulder blades of her back. “We’re home.”