Things are starting to calm down. I still want to stay hidden away a little longer, but finally, I am beginning to feel steady again. I close my eyes and take deep breaths, pleading the Lord to give me strength.

I need you right now, Lord. Please, just help me through this day.

‘Take it one step at a time.’

I find myself rubbing my wrist and picture the image there.

2 Timothy 1:7

I repeat the three words most clung to through my head to help balance me.

Power, Love, and Self-control.

Power, Love, and Self-control.

Power. Love. and Self-control…

You’ll be fine. You can handle this. Just breathe and remember that the Lord always has you.

I don’t notice the door open or someone come in until they touch my arm and I jump practically out of my skin. It’s a familiar face staring at me. 

Matt.

He’s knelt in front of me mouthing something. I take my earbuds out to hear the words he’s saying.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Finally able to say the words, and them truly be right, I don’t feel like I’m lying when I do.

“I’m fine, I just needed a moment. I don’t really do well with crowds.”

His face clearly tells me that he doesn’t believe me before his words do.

“Madison, you can tell me the truth. You know that right? Nothing you say or do is ever going to scare me away from you. I’m here for you, always.”

His eyes show the truth in his words. I know that I can trust him, at least more than most. The things I’ve shared with him, and him never making me feel wrong for doing so are the reason I’ve told him more than even Bailey at times. Something about Matt makes me feel more comfortable being at my lowest without feeling like I’m weighing him down in a way that will pull him under.

“I had a panic attack.”

Leaving it at that, I see how he’s going to react. If he’ll bombard me with too many questions that tire me, say words that don’t help all that much, or shove it away like it’s not something that should be bothered with. People mean well, but sometimes meaning well doesn’t help in the way it should.

“Okay, is there something I can do to help?”

Shaking my head, I have it under control.

“I seriously am fine now, I just needed a moment away from everyone else to get my barrings again.”

He’s silent for a moment before speaking again.

“What caused it?”

Though I don’t want to answer his question, I do try to give him enough.

“I thought I would be okay with everyone here, but I’m not. I don’t want to send anyone home though. I’ll just make sure to take the space I need to help me not get overwhelmed. It’s only one day, right?”

His expression softens as his eyes flicker over my face.

“Do you mind if I sit with you?”

Not wanting to feel completely alone, I’m sort of glad he found me.

“No.”

He sits beside me. Not touching, but close enough for me to feel him there. We stay there in silence. It’s not as quiet as I wish it was with people outside the room roaming through the house. The footsteps and voices trailing begin to bring my anxiety up again.

The next second I feel Matt grabbing an earbud and putting it in my ear as he grabs the other for him. I don’t flinch at his touch this time, but it does feel a bit foreign as I realize the walls I still have up around him. With Kalston they’ve emotional and with Matt, physical.

“What are you listening to?”

My eyes on him, I realize that they’ve probably lingered too long.

‘Look away. You can’t stare at people.’

Oh, yeah!

I snap my gaze onto my laptop to have them on something other than him.

“Just some worship music. It helps me settle down sometimes. Do you want me to put on something else?”

“No, I’m good listening to whatever you want to, Sunshine.”

I push play and lay my head back against the wall. Listening to the lyrics and try not to focus on the outside world again. It’s not too hard as between Matt and the music, I feel as if I’m back in my own little world. This time with him.

Fixing my makeup so no one knows of my breakdown, at least those other than Matt, he lays on my bed flipping through a book he grabbed from my bookshelf.

“Hey, Sunshine, what kind of books are your favorite?”

Glancing at him through the mirror, I respond.

“I used to like fantasy, but now I lean more towards sci-fiction. But just about any book with a good story and a bit of romance.”

He looks my way now.

“Why don’t you like fantasy anymore?”

Pausing, it’s not really that I stopped liking fantasy, just that it’s easier to find books I can read when they’re not.

“I still do, it’s just hard to find any I can read. I stay clear of books with magic and spice, so it’s near impossible to find any fantasy books I can read. I actually still really enjoy fantasy books, but it’s easier to give them up rather than deal with the hassle.”

“That’s kind of sad. Why give up something you enjoy so much?”

Done, I turn to him.

“Because you love something more. I got more devoted to God after coming away from the new age, and couldn’t do many of the stuff I did before with no conviction anymore. Almost like getting into something I shouldn’t pushed me far enough into the dark to see more clearly once I was out.”

“That makes sense. Like how many people have to reach rock bottom before they realize how messed up their life was.”

“Exactly. The New Age was kind of my rock bottom. I’m ready, I guess we should join everybody before they wonder where we went.”

His eyes seem concerned before they lighten with a smile.

“We could always ditch them and have an adventure of our own.”

Kind of rathering that, I know it’s not something I should do. I helped invite everyone here, it would be rude to ditch them all and leave the pressure on Bailey alone. Plus, I couldn’t leave Kalston with everyone to fend for himself. I’m sure he’s already in over his head, but then again, he has a habit of people liking him. I mean… case and point.

It will be okay. Remember, one step at a time.

“Though I would love to take you up on that offer, I can’t.”

I offer my hand to help him up and we head on our way.

“I guess you’re right, Sunshine. But if things overwhelm you too much, just say the word, and I’ll take you away from the chaos.”

I laugh. Matt really has become someone I can’t see my life without.

“Okay.”