*Trigger warning/ S/S thoughts*

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I’m off to myself again. Things are the same as they usually are, me with people surrounding, yet all I can do is find myself wanting to be anywhere but. I abandoned Jackson and them not too long ago and can’t even seem to hate myself for it. Numb began to set in and I wanted to get away. The voices were becoming too much. Both from the people surrounding and the spirits.

I just needed to get away from them and to my quiet spot.

It’s one of a few that I’ve found. I’m not sure what they are, or even how they are, but there are small pockets of space that are just quiet. Like whatever barrier between our world and the spiritual is stronger, so the voices and shadows aren’t able to be perceived. I’m sure they’re around, but the fact that I can forget for a little while is enough for me.

I’m lying in the grass behind a set of trees that block this space from the rest of the world. Or at least it feels like it. And that too is enough for me.

The sun peaks through the leaves above me and I enjoy the small bits of warm rays that touch my face. I breathe in the silence. The most quiet it will be for a while after. There’s no quiet spot near my home, so Grandma’s is the one I escape to most. The wind picks up slightly to drift the smell of everyone’s cooking back to me. Bits of burning wood from fireplaces cling to the scents of spices in the air. There’s also something a bit pungent that I’m not sure of but ignore.

Leaves begin to crunch near me, but I hold on to the peace finally trying to break me out of this numb feeling. It’s almost there but hasn’t had time to settle over me, and I’m desperate for it.

Someone lays down beside me and I can feel their eyes on me, but I play dumb as usual in the hopes that I can grip onto the fleeting peace that already seems gone.

A small brush on the back of my hand, it’s enough to finally make me break and open my eyes back to the reality of today and how much I want it to already be over. I can see a glimpse of who’s lying next to me and it gives me a bit of relief.

I roll my head over to look at Jackson. His expression is unreadable and so is the one who is in the driver’s seat currently.

“You looked peaceful…”

I give a faint smile before looking back up at the leaves above.

“I’m sorry for leaving you behind, I just needed to get away for a moment.”

“No, it’s okay, Mads. It’s quiet here?”

I close my eyes again, feeling okay with it being… well, whoever it is. I still can’t quite tell. I think It’s Jackson, he has the same settled self that he does at times, but the tone he holds is strangely calmer than usual. A hint of confidence. Almost reminiscent of Alder, but not quiet. I don’t feel like I should be on guard like I do with him.

“It is. I found it not long after our trials started. Well… technically I’ve been coming here for a few years now, but it was after hearing the voices again that I noticed this was the one place the spirits didn’t come through. The one place I can get away from him.”

I slip up without thought. Like I said, I don’t feel like I have to be on guard, so I just pray what I share doesn’t get used against me. I don’t think Alder would, but something about him makes me feel like I need to be wary.

“Who?”

My heart drops a bit as I was hoping he wouldn’t pick up on what I said.

My eyes open again, but I still keep them off of him.

It’s just Jackson, you can trust him.

‘Are you sure?’

‘It’s not Jackson you have to worry about.’

‘It’s fine. You can trust him with this.’

…

“There’s, uh… Do you remember when we were ten? The last set of trials?”

He’s quiet for a moment.

“Honestly, no.”

“You’re talking about your attachment? The one that looks like Peter?”

The slight shift isn’t much, but it is enough to intrigue me. To tell me that there is more going on in his head. That there may be someone else. Or just a side I’m not used to?

‘No, you’re looking too much into it.’

Am I?

‘You look too much into everything. Not everything is more than what it seems. Not everyone is a character in one of your tales. Stop making fiction into reality.’

But… isn’t that already what this is? Or at least what it feels like?

‘See, you’re becoming delusional. You’re going to get yourself locked up. You’re already on the crazy train, do you really want to make it stop to throw you off?’

Would that be so bad?

‘That wasn’t what was meant, and you know that. If you keep playing it as if everything is possible, you’re going to say the wrong thing and get wiped. Do you want that?’

Maybe that would be better.

“Hey, are you okay?”

‘And if you leave him behind? Is that really something a friend would do? You’d leave him to this hell alone?’

‘He deserves a better friend than you.’

‘It’s not like things won’t eventually go to you losing each other in the end anyway.’

‘But at least you’ll remember each other when the trials start again. Do you really want to start over with now one again?’

‘He has his head mates, so he won’t be alone.’

‘Wouldn’t that be nice to have a friend you can count on the same as he does?’

‘You have one, you just aren’t willing to let him in.’

“Maddy?”

No! He’s not a friend! He’s not Peter, so there’s no way I can trust him. He’s a demon trying to play tricks. I’m not sure what they are yet, but I know I can’t trust him.

‘How do you know it’s not Peter? Maybe he is and that’s why you keep seeing Iris’s memories. What other link could there be to her?’

‘You can trust him… It’s Peter. You can trust Peter.’

‘It’s not Peter.’

“Mads, did you get lost?”

‘He’s every bit the boy you dream of, so why not give him a chance to show you?’

I can’t trust him…

Right?

‘No!’

‘Maybe you’re meant to help him move on?’

‘Maybe that’s part of your gift. Why God gave you sight. He wouldn’t have given you something if he didn't intend it to have a purpose.’

‘Yes, but can you trust that that’s really the case?’

‘Come on. It makes perfect sense. Maybe you’re like the woman from that show? Maybe it’s your job to help lost souls. Isn’t that so cool?’

A hand tender under my chin, he directs my gaze to his. My stomach is in knots, and thoughts still trying to steal me away, it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed in this moment.

Don’t cry! Don’t cry! Don’t Cry!

“Hey, what’s going on in your head?”

My eyes search over his face and all I want to do is to shut out the thoughts and be here with him. I thought getting away would help, but now I realize that it’s only left me stuck with a silence still not as quiet as much as I need it to be.

“I just…”

I want to tell him, but still, something holds me back. I want with everything to trust him. To trust someone. Yet, again, I’m left in a place where I feel alone.

I can’t trust anyone.

‘They’ll always betray you. You can only trust yourself.’

His eyes soft, he gives a gentle smile before brushing some hair on the left side of my face away. The moments today spent with him, they make things all the more complicated. All the more pushing me to trust him above anyone else. I’m not sure what to think. I want desperately to trust this, to trust him, but it’s weird. A bigger part of me wants to pull away. Like I can’t believe what’s happening. Like the more he pushes forward, the more I want to step back. I’m not sure what this is, or how exactly I feel.

“You can trust me, Mads. If no one else, you can trust me. I want you to know that.”

I’m not used to the nickname, but still, it sounds so sweet coming from him. Making the step I’m sure I’ll regret later, for now, it’s all I want to give into.

“Sometimes I just want it all to just shut off. The voices, the sight…”

Sitting up to help me find a bit more grounding right now, his touch slips away as I do. I’m indifferent about it.

“The thoughts. Sometimes all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up. Not in a way of… you know, but just sleeping forever. Like a coma I guess. I think I’m broken. Lately, I’ve been feeling this way where, well… Where I’ve not been feeling anything. I’m not sure what it is-”

Before I know it arms slip around me as Jackson pulls me into a hug. Things are silent for a moment and then is when I can’t hold myself together any longer and the tears flood out.

“You’re not broken, Maddy. Just please don’t leave me, okay? No matter what the voices say, no matter what thoughts you get in your head, just please, don’t leave me. I didn’t know you much before, but even then I didn’t want you to leave. Just don’t do that again. Please, never again.”

I try to remember what he’s talking about, but I can’t place what his words mean. Something else that tells me a part of my past was hidden. Another piece of me taken.

I would never take myself out of this world, so it’s not hard to give him word that I fully believe. Wanting to sleep forever is not the same as wanting to end it completely. Even that’s probably a bit exaggerated.

“I won’t, I promise.”