Skylar POV

There is this moment, right after you climax, right after the sex is over. A single moment in which two things happen. One, you appreciate being cared for a looked after, you are happy someone fulfilled your needs. Two, and this part mostly comes to cheaters like myself, you wonder, was it worth it?

As I fell back on the mattress next to Vida I had this moment.

As I struggled to catch my breath, sweat glistening all over my body, I looked up at the ceiling and realized that I just thrown a relationship over two years in the making down the drain as if it was nothing.

In my weakness I destroyed everything.

Vida and I didn't say anything after. I think she was on the same page as me. The reality settling in fast. Vida is my friend, my current best friend. She knows how I feel about Jade, and even worse, she knows how Jade feels about me. She even likes Jade and is nice to her every time she sees her.

This single moment of weakness in my life ruined all of that.

Regret.

That's what I felt.

Not because I didn't want to do it, not because I didn't like Vida, and not because it was awful. The only regret I felt is that I knew I was going to have to face Jade and tell her what happened.

I'm not sorry it happened.

I am sorry that I let everything go on this long.

That I dragged it all out when I should have ended this show a long time ago.

I regret letting Jade Tate control me for so long.

I regret letting her think this would be forever between us.

I regret the fact that I know in the near future I am going to have to hurt her.

I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath, grabbing a pillow and putting it over my face. With any luck, I'd suffocate before having to deal with the fallout of everything.

"We can pretend it never happened if you want," Vida said softly.

I pressed the pillow harder to my face.

My phone started ringing, I knew it was probably Jade wondering where the hell I am.

"I can lie and say you were helping me unpack," Vida supplies.

"Why'd you let me do it?" I move the pillow.

"Do you regret it?"

I turn to look at her and she is looking at me with a soft vulnerable expression I've never seen her make before. It breaks my heart. I grab her hand and interlock our fingers to comfort her.

"No," I say firmly.

"I love you," she confesses.

My brows scrunch together in confusion.

"I always have. I never wanted to push you or hurt you. I saw that you were happy and that was enough for me. So long as I could be around you and you were happy, that could be enough. I'm sorry I let this happen," her voice shakes and her eyes water.

My phone rings again.

"Don't cry, it's okay." I pull her into my arms.

"No, it's not okay. This is going to ruin everything. I don't want to lose you," she cried.

"You won't," I assure her.

"I love you," she whimpered.

I just sigh and hold her closer.

After the third time my phone starts ringing I grab my it from my clothes on the floor and see that it's just past four in the morning. Jade has been calling. I sigh and answer.

"Skylar? Where are you?" she asks.

I was going to tell her the truth.

I swear it.

But for some reason, I said, "I'm with Vida. I was helping her unpack after she got off work."

Vida who was laying naked on my chest, cuddled up closer to me when I said that.

"Oh, why weren't you answering?"

Why indeed.

I know Jade isn't stupid, but I also know that because it's me she'll give me the benefit of doubt.

"Sorry, my phone was on silent," I lie.

"Oh, well when are you coming home?"

"I'm on my way now," I lie.

"Oh, okay. See you soon." With that, she hung up.

I let the phone fall back to the mattress and wrap my arms tighter around Vida.

"What does this mean for us?" Vida asks.

"I don't know," I say honestly.

"You should have told her,"

"I know."

"Why didn't you?"

I think about it for a moment and the only reason I can think of is that I'm scared.

I don't want to hurt Jade Tate.

For some reason, my heart has made up its mind into thinking she is the girl I love with my everything. No one else could ever change that fact. I love her and hurting her would kill me.

"Skylar?" Vida says when I've been quiet for too long.

"I don't know," I lie.

"Are you planning on telling her anytime soon?"

"I don't know."

"What do you know?"

"I know I royally fucked up. I know what just happened changes everything. I know I don't regret a single moment of it. I know that once I come clean my life will change and I don't know if I can handle it, or if I am ready for it."

"This can stay between us, it never has to happen again. She never has to know."

"What if I want it to happen again?"

There is another pause.

"Do you?" she asks.

"I want to be loved, Vida. I want someone to touch me, to hold me, to finally acknowledge my needs. If Jade can't do that for me anymore... I'd want it to be you."

Vida moved so that she hovered over me, we locked eyes. Her hair cascades down the side of her face and brushes against my shoulder. I think she was testing me, trying to gauge how serious I am.

"So you want to be in a secret relationship then?" she asked.

"Would you hate me if I did?"

"Why don't you just leave her?"

"I..." I avert my eyes.

"You still love her?"

I don't answer and don't look at her.

"Skylar."

I force myself to meet her eyes.

"Do you?"

"I think so. I don't want to hurt her."

"Hasn't she hurt you enough?"

"I don't know..."

She is silent for a moment.

"Do you hate me? Have you lost respect for me?" I ask.

"No," she says firmly.

Then she leans in and kisses me again. I passionately kiss her back.

I pull her down on top of me and it's not long before we find ourselves wrapped in each other, going at it for round two.

My phone rings again, but I don't answer it.

I just put it on silent and chuck it somewhere in the room.

I ended up falling asleep in Vida's arms and waking up the next afternoon to the sun shining on my face.

"Finally awake?" Vida is curled up next to me.

"Yeah, ugh my body is sore." I giggle.

"Man, has it really been that long?"

"Longer than you think," I sit up.

"Shower or breakfast first?"

"It's lunchtime, shower, then lunch."

"Fine by me," she kisses me.

I kiss her back.

We shower and wash up together and I find my phone. I have several missed calls from Jade. I call her back.

"Where are you?" she demands.

"Sorry, lost track of time and ended up falling asleep at Vida's."

"What the hell Skylar, I waited up for you."

"Now you know how it feels," I mutter.

"What?"

"Nothing, anyway we are going to get lunch."

"Where, I'll meet you."

"I'll text you once I know." I hang up.

"Everything okay?" Vida asks.

"Just Jade being Jade," I shove my phone back in my pocket.

Part of me feels so fucking guilty, the other part doesn't give a single fuck anymore. When did I become this girl? Was it really so long ago that I was yelling at Darleen for doing what I am doing now? I was sure she was in the wrong, that what she was doing was wrong.

But now I know what it feels like to be on the other side of things.

I yelled at her; I got all up in her business. Come to think of it that was one of the last times I ever talked to Darleen. We all went off to college and that was that. I wonder what she would say to me if she saw me now. Would she yell at me?

We go out to lunch and Jade meets us there. She's all wound up and practically throws herself at me. That's the thing with Jade, she can ignore me all day long and not batt an eye. But the moment I ignore her she is practically begging for my attention. She has to know what I'm doing, where I am, and who I'm with. She's insecure. She has every right to be.

Maybe if she was a better girlfriend, she wouldn't have to worry about me so much.

When we are leaving Vida kisses me on the cheek and says,

"So you better show up, you promised me you'd help paint."

"I will, just let me go change first." I roll my eyes and smile.

"What? Where are you going?" Jade asks.

"I told you I'm helping Vida unpack and move into her new place. I have to go help her paint. I'm going to be spending the weekend with her."

"Oh."

"See you soon," Vida playfully slaps my butt before walking out.

I laugh.

Jade pouts.

"What?" I ask as we walk to the car.

"Well, I just thought you and I could spend the weekend together."

"Well, you usually have plans so I didn't bother," I shrug.

"I don't always have plans," she gets defensive.

"Whatever Jade," I get in the car.

"Don't whatever me," she gets in and starts the car.

"I don't want to argue with you," I stare out the window.

"Cancel with Vida and stay with me, I cleared my schedule for you."

"No, I'm not going to drop everything all because you suddenly cleared your schedule."

"What the fuck Skylar, are you mad at me or something?" she says as we drive home.

"I have a life too okay, sue me." I snap at her.

She's silent after that.

When I get home I go and pack a weekend bag before starting to change into something I wouldn't mind getting paint on. Jade comes up behind me and wraps her arms around me, kissing me on the back of the neck.

I pull out of her grasp.

She doesn't give up so easily. She pouts before stopping me from putting a shirt on and getting in my face, kissing me on the lips.

I pull away again.

"Skylar, I'm sorry." She pouts.

"I'm not in the mood Jade." I slip my shirt on.

"It's been so long, please."

"Whose fault is that?" I grab my weekend bag and my school bag.

"I'm sorry I've been busy okay."

"And now I'm busy." I move to leave.

She wraps herself around me and doesn't let me go.

"Stay," she says softly.

I feel my throat tighten and that pit gets bigger.

Why? Why heart? Why did you have to pick her?

She kisses her way up my neck and pulls me tight against her body.

"I love you," she says.

Everything in me shatters.

Damn her.

"What if... What if I don't love you?" I say.

There is a long pause. She pulls away from me.

"What?" she asks.

"You... you ignore me too much." I don't turn to face her.

"Skylar..."

"I miss you."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"I'm tired Jade, so tired of going to sleep alone. Tired of you canceling on me. Tired of staying up late at night waiting for you to come in. I'm tired." I sob.

"Skylar I—"

"Just don't." I pull away when she tries to reach for me.

"I'm sorry."

"I can't... I can't do this anymore." I shake my head as silent tears fall from my face to the floor.

"Don't say that."

"Look at us Jade! Look at me! I'm lonely, I miss you and we live in the same house. We sleep in the same fucking bed! I can't do this anymore."

"No," she shakes her head.

Damn her for having this power over me.

"I love you!" she shouts.

"Do you? Because I sure as hell don't feel like you do."

She shoves me up against the wall and I drop my bags. Before I can process what is happening, she has her lips smashed against mine. I sigh and melt into her, letting my eyes flutter close.

It's different with Jade.

With Vida, it was more about quelling the desperation inside of me. I was focused on feeling and getting off. With Jade it's different. I love her. Sex isn't just sex. It feels different. It tames that fire in me, it engulfs me in a blanket of warmth and comfort. I feel okay again. I feel right with the world. I feel alive again.

Is this what it feels like to fall out of love with someone? I still love her but piece by piece, day by day, I slowly lose that love. A single kiss used to be enough to last me for weeks, to reassure me of everything. Now we have to resort to sex just to feel that spark again. Now a kiss is no longer enough.

I wonder how long it will be before even sex isn't enough. Where I won't feel anything at all when she kisses me or touches me or holds me. Will the day ever come or will I be stuck in this horrible limbo for the rest of my life?

Our kisses quickly become more, her tongue darting into my mouth. I lift her up in my arms and slam her down on the bed. I kiss every inch of her skin and undress her quickly. Her body is as beautiful as I remember.

"Oh Skylar, I love you. Oh Skylar, yes." She moans as I make love to her using her favorite toy.

Her nails dig into my back as I pound into her and her moans echo off the walls. I can tell she's been craving this for as long as I have. There is this moment where I wonder if Jade herself is falling out of love with me. If maybe she is feeling what I am.

What if she is?

It's not long before I get her to climax, she was really pent up. When she sees me getting ready to get up and take another shower she says,

"What are you doing?"

"What? You came," I eye her in confusion.

"But you didn't."

"It's okay," I smile at her.

"No, it's not, get that cute and firm ass back over here."

I roll my eyes but crawl back onto the bed.

"I'm going to show you just how much I love you," she says before going down between my legs.

"Oh fuck... Oh, jade." I grab her head and push her deeper into me.

Her arms wrap around my hips and pull me closer.

The way her tongue slides up and down my slit drives me wild. I fall back on the bed and buck my hips in time with her licks, basically fucking her face.

"Yes baby, yes, uh, right there," I buck my hips faster.

I feel her slip a finger inside of me and I throw my head back and moan loudly. My hips shake as I near my orgasm.

"Jade, oh fuck, I'm gonna cum."

She moans into me and continues to lick.

I feel her slip a second finger in and I grab her head roughly, wrapping my fingers in her hair to hold her in place.

"Oh fuck! Yes! I love you!" I cry out.

She helps me slowly come down and I eventually let her head go. She crawls up to me and smashes our lips together. I moan into her mouth and pull her close to my body. When we are done we bask in the afterglow of sex.

"Stay," she draws circles on my abs.

"Okay," I easily give in.

"I love you," she nuzzles her head into the crook of my neck.

"I love you too," I wrap my arm around her waist.

She hums in delight and closes her eyes to take a nap.

There is this moment after sex a single moment of clarity where you wonder, was it worth it?

I'm not so sure anymore.