POV: Skylar

Ever feel like if you run fast enough or hard enough you can actually run away from your problems? You see that's what I've been doing lately. Just running. I don't know what else to do. I just feel so lost.

Even in the pouring rain while it's freezing outside I keep on running.

My foot lands hard in a puddle and water goes splashing everywhere. There is this roar around me from the rain that drowns out everything. It drowns out the cars on the street, the people having conversations at coffee shops, and the occasional barking of a dog. All just drowned out. The only sound I can focus on is the sound of my own breathing.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm only a fast runner because I am always running from my problems.

I was actually sad when Darleen had to leave again. But I was glad that I got to reconnect with her. I missed our friendship. There is just something about that girl that makes me feel so safe. Like the sky isn't falling and that even though everything is fucked up, it's all going to be okay in the end.

She can be pretty convincing.

It's been a week since the whole thing. A week of me ignoring both Jade and Vida.

I just need to breathe.

I need to think.

I need to heal.

I guess living at my job and skipping class isn't exactly healthy, but I just don't know what to do. How can I face Vida after everything? It would just make Jade think I hate her, which is far from the truth. But if I go back to Jade, Vida will be made into a fool. She'll think I was just using her.

What if I was?

My phone buzzing in my pocket startles me. I check the caller id and it reads,

Emotional support Beasty.

I smirk and answer the phone using my Bluetooth earbuds.

"Hey," I say out of breath.

"Hey, where are you? I can barely hear you."

"I'm running on the track. It's sort of raining at the moment."

"You are running in the rain? Are you crazy? You are going to get sick."

"Worry about yourself for once," I pick up speed.

"If you end up in the hospital with pneumonia, I swear to god I'll kill you myself."

"Geez, that's not very emotionally supportive." I laugh.

"You have been warned."

"How are you? Any new developments?" I ask.

"Lexi finally moved out. She's going to focus on herself. She's enrolled in therapy and is working on it. I'm sort of proud of her. She's really trying this time."

"That's great. Glad you two worked it out."

"Yeah after a lot of crying and shit, but she realized I was right. You can't love someone until you love yourself."

I stop dead in my tracks.

"Hello? Skylar?"

It was like it all suddenly made sense. I was searching for someone to love me, to validate my existence. When all along I should have just loved myself. I shouldn't have needed anyone. I really am the problem.

"Skylar? Hello? Still there?"

I struggle to catch my breath and look around me. The world feels like it's spinning. I'm soaked to the bone, practically floating in my own shoes.

"Holy fuck..." I say.

"What?"

"You... You just made me realize I don't love myself."

"What!? Well, why not? You're awesome."

"I was the problem all along. Not Jade. Me."

"Skylar hold on a sec. You are doing that thing again where you blame yourself for everything. Take a deep breath. It takes two to tango. Sure, you have your shit to deal with but so does Jade. We all have shit we need to handle. I'm not perfect either."

"But I'm looking for someone to validate me. To make me feel alive again. I shouldn't be doing that. I'm just like Lexi. I'm so fucked. This whole time... I've been so selfish."

"You're not selfish."

"Yes, I am!"

"Listen to me, you are probably one of the most selfless people I know. I mean you forced yourself to date me for months just because you didn't want to hurt my feelings. Remember that?"

"That's different."

"How is that different? You always do this Skylar. You invalidate your feelings and find ways to make yourself the bad guy. Maybe you do need to work on loving yourself, just not in the way you think. Stop trying to be the bad guy and just be. Just live. Listen to me, what do you want to do in life?"

"I... I don't know."

"Well, when you were with Jade did you know?"

"I mean, I always just wanted to make her happy. To be there for her."

"Exactly, you put her needs before your own. You pushed Jade to go after her dreams and picked her up every time she was down. You focus so much on other people that you forget to worry about yourself. Maybe you should take your own advice and worry about yourself for a while. Figure out where you want to go in life, what you want to do. Stop trying to attach yourself to people and just be your own person."

"How?"

"Well start simple. Take a career test or something. Find a new hobby. Get a goal and then make a ten-step plan to achieve that goal. Forget about everyone else for once. Forget about Jade and Vida and focus on Skylar. What do you what to do? Who do you want to be? When you can tell me the answer to those questions, then I'll let you start worrying about everyone else."

"Okay, I guess it's a start." I start to walk to my car.

"Good."

"But you got to do it with me. You have to make a goal and do it too." I say.

"Deal." I can practically hear the smile in her voice.

"Okay so tomorrow I'll call you with my new goal, you better be ready."

"Oh, I'll be ready. You better be ready, I'm not going to let you back out of this."

"What are emotional support friends for?"

We both giggle.

When I get in my car, I'm shivering from how cold I am.

"You better go dry off and eat something. I swear if you get sick."

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Good because if you do I'll just have to come down there and take care of you."

"No, you better not."

"I will."

"Okay, listen I'm turning on the heater right now." I put the heater on full blast.

"That's what I thought."

We both giggle again.

"So have you figured out the living arrangements yet?" she asks.

"Jade says I can stay there, Vida says I'm more than welcome to move in, and my boss just says the cleaning ladies don't have to clean up after me if I stay there any longer."

She laughs.

"I'm so lost. I have no clue what to do. I know if I pick Jade or Vida the other will be hurt. I don't know what to do."

"Then get your own place."

"Sure let me just use my invisible money to do it. I can barely afford to pay for this freaking car. Jade was the one who paid all the bills with her acting job. Hotel receptionist isn't exactly cutting it."

"Well you are on a full scholarship, right? Can't you just live on campus?"

"I can't get a dorm until next semester."

"Hmm... maybe I can help you?"

"How?"

"I can see if my family has a house or something in LA. I'm sure we do. We have tons of properties."

"I'm hanging up now."

"Skylar please, let me help you. It's just temporary until you can get a dorm. Besides, when I come down for the winter break to work we can live together. So you'll only be living there a month by yourself."

"I can't do that Darleen. I'll feel like a freeloader."

"You won't be, promise. Let me do this for you."

"I don't know..." I bite my lip.

"Look let me just look to see okay? Nothing is set in stone yet. But if there is a house, you have to give it some real thought and have a decent excuse as to why you can't stay there okay?"

"Darleen."

"Okay?"

"Okay," I sigh in defeat.

"Good, now go get dried off and some rest. I'll call you later." She hung up.

I swear that girl is something else.

When I get back to the hotel I get showered and changed before pulling out a notepad and writing out possible new goals to set. I close my eyes and try to picture myself in ten years. Who do I want to be? What do I want to do?

I mean becoming an Olympian would be cool.

Or being a coach for a track team seems like fun.

I've never really been the kind of girl who has it all figured out. For as long as I can remember my life has revolved around Jade Tate. Maybe Darleen is right, perhaps it's my turn to put my dreams first.

But what if I don't have any dreams?

My only real dream is to be happy.

Does that count as a goal?

I sigh and bang my head on the notepad.

Why is this life planning stuff so hard? Can't people just know what they are supposed to be? Can life work that way? Like you come out of the womb with a stamp on your forehead that says what you are supposed to be. Politician, athlete, artist, deadbeat, something that makes life easier for me.

Maybe I'll invent that, I snort to myself in amusement.

I grab the pen and click it a few times before finally writing something down.

Find something new that interests me.

Then I write ten steps to achieve this goal.

Step one: Try new things

Step two: meet new people

Step three: learn new skills

Step four: branch out

Step five: hang out with someone you wouldn't normally hang out with

Step six: network with different student organizations

Step seven: spend time practicing new things

Step eight: Go to events

Step nine: Find out what I like

Step ten: Have fun

Seems simple enough. Something about writing it down in ten little steps makes it seem a lot more obtainable. I feel more confident and inspired. I can do this. Maybe right now I don't know who Skylar Clifton is but, I can start to find out.

It's time I focus on myself for once.