The rest of the holidays passed too quickly, but I was in a cloud of musical bliss for the rest of it. Each day Frazer would record me a cover of a song of my choosing, and not only did I get to hear it live, his voice later caressed my ears as I fell asleep with my earpods in. 

I knew it wasn’t healthy for my festering crush, especially being this close to the person I was fangirling over. But I told myself I’d give him up after the holidays. That I’d distance myself from him the moment others got on board the Frazer train, and he admitted his talent.

So when the first day of school arrived, I decided I’d wean myself off him in small increments, starting by dodging his car rides to school. 

I thought my plan was fool-proof. I woke up earlier than usual, ready to sneak out of the house ten minutes earlier than we used to walk to the bus stop together. 

Yet when I opened my door, there he was. Standing by his car, keys in hand, arms crossed over his chest as he shook his head in disappointment.

As if somehow he had predicted what I was about to do. “How did you—” I started to ask.

Though he bluntly replied with, “Just get in the car, Em.” 

And the whole way to school, he grumbled about how I had to get over my fear of his driving. As if that was the reason I wanted to avoid him.

◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷

Having failed to put distance between us this morning, a part of me was tempted to find a corner of the school to hide during lunch time. Though I knew Frazer would never sing in front of his friends if I didn’t force him to first.

But when the second period ended, signalling the start of lunch, I couldn’t help but linger by my bag, my legs refusing to take me where I needed to go.

And, just like the morning, Frazer seemed to predict my avoidance once again. 

I barely waited two minutes when he rounded the corner to my classroom. 

Without even commenting on my clear reluctancy to join him for lunch, he asked, “Did you pack food today or do we need to swing by the tuckshop first?”

“I’ve got a sandwich,” I muttered, dumbfounded by his sudden presence beside me. How did he know to come here? Does he know what I’m trying to do? But how would he know I’m trying to avoid him?

“Good. Though you better eat it on the way because we’re not allowed food in there.”

Following his orders, I awkwardly swung my bag around and fished my lunch out, stuffing it in my mouth in the hopes I’d stop myself from blabbering my racing thoughts.

Though thankfully I wasn’t the only one with their mouth full of food, with Frazer also joining me on the quest to scoff down his lunch in the five minute walk from my classroom to the music block.

And once we arrived, he opened the door for me and ushered me in, as though he expected I’d bolt at any given chance.

Not that I could blame him for that suspicion.

When we entered the familiar music room, it was just Kevin and Caleb there. Their heads whipped up at the sound of the door squeaking open, and a shit-eating grin plastered across Kevin’s face.

“Fraze and Em!” he jeered. “Look at you two showing up… together.”

Flames licked my face and my stomach churned. I bet even they think it’s strange Frazer’s still friends with me despite that I have feelings for him.

“Shut your mouth, okay?” Frazer threatened.

Sensing the tension brewing, I decided I better quickly stamp it out before Frazer decided against singing in front of them like we had planned.

“How was everyone’s holidays?” I forced out.

A few were taken aback by my question, but Kevin was grinning again, ready to start chatting away. He went on about all the things they got up to—seeing a movie, bowling, laser skirmish, The Show, mini-golf, and more—but then he ended it with, “And you missed it all Frazer.”

The jab at his mate sent a myriad of emotions coursing through me—guilt for hogging Frazer’s time, confusion that he chose to spend that time with the girl he turned down, and disappointment that he felt he couldn’t hang out with his friends and me… probably because I embarrassed him too much on his birthday.

“Yeah, well, Em and I were busy,” Frazer muttered.

And as Kevin jeered, “I’m sure you were,” my back straightened as I realised my opening.

You won’t have to pick between us for much longer, Frazer, I promised mentally before I said, “Yeah, we were really busy recording music.” 

Frazer’s eyes blew wide before he glared at me.

Though I smirked back, mouthing ‘thank you’ for his opening he created in the conversation.

As I watched his face twitch in annoyance at himself, I went on, “Did you know Frazer is a really good singer?”

Yet rather than buying in as I expected them to, Caleb and Kevin snorted. 

“I’m sure he is,” Kevin said, while Caleb turned to Frazer and snickered, “Did you spend your holidays singing to her?”

“What does that mean?” my brows furrowed as I glared at Kevin.

“Em, please,” Frazer pleaded, desperate for me to drop it.

“We just think you’re just a bit… biassed,” Caleb explained.

My stomach churned at the clear reference to my feelings for Frazer. But I pushed it aside, telling myself the sooner I forced this to take place, the sooner I could hide from my mortification. “Even his mum said so. She was surprised.”

“She’s also biassed,” Kevin dismissed.

“Fine. Then you confirm it.” I turned to Frazer. “Show them.”

His cheeks were flushed crimson now, and he shook his head.

“You said you would.”

“It’s too embarrassing.”

“You sang for me! And you barely knew me the first time.”

Kevin chuckled. “That’s a bit different, Em.”

“Sure. I was basically a stranger, while you all have been friends for ages. This should be easier.”

“That’s not what I—” Kevin started to say.

“Frazer is always off-key,” Caleb cut him off, finally coming to the aid of his mate.

“Exactly,” Frazer mumbled in agreement.

“He’s not singing properly,” I insisted.

“How would you know?” Kevin challenged. “You’ve only heard him sing  when he’s serenading you.”

I shook my head. “Sere…” When I went gaga over Frazer when drunk, they clearly didn’t see him pushing me away… so they must think… “You’re mistaken,” I told them firmly. “He was simply performing a song he wrote for class when I forced him to sing properly. Frazer and I aren’t like that, which you know, Kevin.”

Though, once again, Kevin and Caleb shared a smile of disbelief. 

“Do I?” Kevin replied.

“You scolded him for not complimenting me, remember?”

The silence continued with the corners of Caleb and Kevin’s mouths turned upwards. So I glanced to Frazer for help. Though he was simply glaring at his friends.

And my stomach knotted again as I started to clue in to what was going on.

Are they making fun of me? Is that why Frazer’s mad?

Though eventually Kevin broke the quiet when he said, “Well, go on then, Frazer. Sing us a song. If you’re shit, then you’re clearly just trying to woo the poor girl. But if you’re good, I’ll retract my comments.”

For a while, I thought he was going to spend the rest of the lunch break merely glaring at Kevin and Caleb. But after what felt like an immeasurable amount of time had passed, he grabbed the nearby guitar, put it in tune, and started to strum a familiar favourite of mine.

The corners of my mouth turned up as I watched in awe.

And then he sang.

“Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they’re not shinin’...”

His head stayed down the whole time, gaze focussed on the strings as he plucked them, cheeks a light pink as he clearly fretted about what everyone was thinking. 

Though like usual, I was enchanted by him, unable to pull my eyes away from him until the chorus when I remembered the reason he was performing right now.

And when I glanced at his friends, the shit-eating grins were long gone. Their eyes were wide, jaws were dropped, and their realisation that Frazer was much better than he had let on was clear to see.

Frazer only sang to the end of the chorus, but when he stopped, his eyes briefly met mine for a moment, as if he were seeking reassurance before facing his friends.

I smiled warmly at him, even though my heart throbbed at the realisation that I had achieved my mission and now no longer had an excuse to stick so close to him… That eventually I’d have to share Frazer with everyone as he shared his magnetic voice for anyone else who would listen. 

But at least I’d always be his first fan. Even if he eventually forgot me.

And then the spark between us disappeared as he turned to Caleb and Kevin.

“Dude… Have you been taking lessons or something?” Caleb was the first to ask after no one said anything for a while.

“No,” Frazer mumbled before setting the guitar down and running a nervous hand through his hair as he awaited a verdict.

“You’re fucking good,” Kevin then admitted. Then he glanced at me. “He’s good.”

“Right?” I replied. “We recorded his original—the one he wrote for music last term—and I’ve been trying to convince him to submit it to Unearthed High.”

“Oh my gosh,” Caleb then gushed. “You totally should.”

“I don’t know…” Frazer muttered.

“You could actually go places though,” Kevin then said.

The boys continued back and forth, eventually convincing Frazer to give it a go, while I felt myself fading into the background in the room, becoming a fly on the wall. It was no longer my role to convince Frazer of his worth. Others would do it for me.

As the morose pulled me under, my heart already mourning the thought of moving on, my mind wandered far away from the chatter in front of me.

I just need him to become preoccupied by something else that I can find ways to step away from him. Because if we remain as close as we have been… I don’t know how I’ll ever get over him. And being this close when I know he doesn’t feel the same is agony. 

If only there was something else to take up his time.

Though pulling me back into the conversation was when Frazer mumbled, “What if I… win?”

“Then that’s awesome?” Kevin said.

“But wouldn’t I have to perform in front of people?”

Caleb nodded. “You’d at least have to do a music video. Everyone normally does. And I bet they’d invite you to some live shows they hold. Some artists may even get you to open for them.”

“I can’t sing in front of people.”

“It just takes practice,” I then intruded, taking on the role of reassuring him again.

Though he shook his head. “No amount of practice could prepare me to be on a stage.”

“It just takes a moment of courage to start,” I said.

“Yeah,” Kevin agreed. “Like you found the courage to sing properly in front of Em. Then your mum. Then us. You just got to keep doing it in front of people until it becomes normal.”

His lips stayed shut though and I could see the doubt still etched on his face.

“You don’t need to be scared that anyone’s going to boo you,” I then said, predicting what he was fretting about. “You are an amazing singer, Frazer.”

“She’s right,” Caleb said. “I’m sorry we doubted you.”

“Yeah, man,” Kevin added.

“Do you enjoy playing music?” I asked him next when he still seemed reluctant to speak.

“You know I do.”

“Did you like recording the songs?” I then asked, already knowing the answer to that one.

“Yes.”

“Well… this could be your life. Making and recording music… you just have to get used to one other part of it, which is performing for fans.”

He shook his head. “You’re talking like I’m even going to win if I submit.”

“What can I say? I have a hunch,” I grinned at him, wondering if he could see the reluctance I was starting to have. I didn’t want to share him anymore. I didn’t want to let this go.

“What if,” Kevin then said, “You try performing in front of a smaller crowd of people as a tester? And if you handle that okay, then submit your song?”

“What do you mean?” Frazer asked.

Kevin paused for a moment, grabbing his phone and bringing something up on it. A poster from the school’s Facebook page adorned his screen as he showed it to Frazer. “What if we enter Battle of the Bands as a group?” he offered. “That way you won’t be alone, but you’ll still be front and centre and in front of a crowd.”

“You want me to sing in front of the entire school?” Frazer was shaking his head already, ranting about how he could never.

Though Caleb, Kevin, and I knew we’d eventually get him to change his mind.

And we were right.

◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷

“So what song are you going to sing for Battle of the Bands?” I asked on the way home that afternoon, still grinning that, by second break, we had convinced Frazer to join Battle of the Bands.

And to hold him to it, we dragged him along to see the Head of Arts and sign the boys up to the competition.

“I’m not sure,” he sighed, clearly still second-guessing this situation.

“Shall I make a list? Though I have no clue how I’d narrow it down.”

He pressed his lips together as if trying to stifle a smile, and I realised my efforts to lighten his mood were clearly working. So I went on, gushing like the fan I was until we pulled up front of my house.

“I can walk from your driveway,” I muttered as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

“Oh, I agreed to head to Kevin’s. We’re going to have to practise at every opportunity now if we’re hoping to pull together a half-decent performance in a little over two weeks. So we will need to rehearse every lunch break, after school, and on weekends.”

I paused at his statement, a number of thoughts screaming through my head at the news he just dropped. But all I said was, “Why didn’t you just let me catch the bus then?” Because Kevin lived a couple of suburbs away. And clearly I wasn’t invited for these afternoon rehearsals.

“I promised we’d always drive to and from school.”

And even though I was reluctant to say it, I begrudgingly said, “That’s a waste of fuel, Frazer. I’ll just catch the bus from hereon.”

“But—”

“We can go back to ridesharing after the competition,” I insisted with a forced smile. Though I wondered if he’d still want to hang out with me after all this.

“Are you… sure?” he asked.

And I nodded. Even though I was far from it.

But it’s necessary, I assured myself. And after two weeks, surely I will have moved on. I just need a little distance and time.

◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷

 Frazer insisted on still driving me to school in the mornings, though I didn’t expect the atmosphere to be as tense when I climbed into the passenger seat the next day.

“Morning,” I said when he didn’t say or do anything.

“Morning,” he replied, his hands gripping the wheel as he made no attempt to put the car in gear.

“Is something… wrong?” I finally asked, already certain I wasn’t going to like what he seemed to reluctant to say.

“Not exactly… just…”

“Just?” I pried when he said nothing.

Though he shook his head, shifted into first, and backed out of the driveway. “It’s nothing.”

Yet the awkwardness and silence continued for the rest of the drive, permeating the vehicle with the intensity of the unsaid.

And it was only ten minutes later when Frazer pulled up at the school and he made no move to get out that I demanded, “What is it?”

“It’s just… I was… You see…”

“Frazer, just spit it out.”

For a while he said nothing. His brows knotted together and he looked ahead. Until he took a deep breath and asked, “Can you not come to the music room anymore?”