Tristan lay awake in the dim morning light, Sadie's loud snores filling the air beside him. He had no plan. The only thing he knew for certain was that he wasn't going home. Anyone he asked would undoubtedly tell him he was being stupid, but after spending a night away from that apartment, he felt that returning would be a betrayal to himself.
All his other options were ugly or unrealistic. Temporary, or all too permanent. And unfortunately, Sadie didn't fit into any of them.
At least she seemed happy to wake up in a park, and Tristan couldn't blame her for that. Anything was better than the oppressive atmosphere of his dad's apartment, where he felt like he could barely breathe without being berated for it.
He let Sadie walk around and sniff things for as long as she wanted. When she was done, he put the seats back up, put her back in the car, and set out with a destination in mind. Fifteen minutes later, he pulled into the parking lot of the shelter he'd adopted her from six months ago.
Tristan lifted Sadie from the backseat and placed her in his lap, hugging her against his chest. He had hoped that bringing her into his life would change something for him, fill the growing emptiness inside. It hadn't, but somehow, he still couldn't bring himself to let go. If he gave her back, would she end up with a loving family who would provide a better home than he ever could? Or would they decide that this silly-looking little old dog, whose mouth was overcrowded with teeth despite missing a few, simply wasn't worth the trouble of trying to adopt out? How long would she sit alone in a cage before someone decided they wanted her? Did any of that matter when she couldn't possibly have a future with him?
He didn't realize how long he'd been sitting there until a tap on his window startled him out of his thoughts. A woman outside in the shelter's uniform smiled at him as he rolled down the window.
"Hey," she greeted him, her friendly tone tinged with caution. "Do you need something?"
"Uh…" Tristan looked down at Sadie, the words sticking in his throat. He started to shake his head, then stopped. "Oh, uh. You don't happen to have any spare dog food, do you?"
"Oh, we don't really…" she began, but then hesitated and reconsidered. "Let me see what I can do. Wait here."
As she walked away, Tristan hugged Sadie closer to his chest, resting his chin on the top of her head. She was all he had. He wasn't going to give her up. And that meant, one way or another, he would have to get through this because he refused to let her get hurt.
A few minutes later, the woman returned to his window, a small bag of dog food in hand. "We normally give these to people who foster our animals, but we have enough to spare."
"Thanks," Tristan said as he accepted the bag.
The woman hesitated. "Do you need help with anything else?"
Tristan sat up straighter, trying not to look so young. He shook his head. “No, I’m good. Thank you.”
The woman still seemed unconvinced, but she stepped back, and Tristan rolled up his window before returning Sadie to the back seat. If she was going to stay with him, they'd need some supplies.
The nearest Bunnings wasn't too far, and they had everything he needed for Sadie at reasonable prices. Best of all, they wouldn't bat an eye at him bringing her inside. He picked up a bowl, a harness, a leash, and a safety buckle for the car. Fortunately, he had some savings, and the free dog food would save him his biggest dog-related expense, at least for as long as it lasted.
He could have saved a lot more if he'd taken a moment to grab some stuff before leaving his dad's apartment, but in the moment, he'd just wanted to get out of there. He wasn't sure why. His dad had never hit him before, and if he'd decided to start now, Tristan wouldn't have minded having an excuse to clock him right in the jaw. Even if his dad had kicked the shit out of him afterwards, it would have been worth it.
Honestly, Tristan didn't really hate the idea of things turning physical. Maybe he'd feel differently if it actually happened, but there was something appealing about having something tangible to show for his pain. It wasn't like he intended to go to the police, a hospital, or even show other people. He wasn't sure it was really about anyone else. Maybe he was just looking to prove something to himself.
Tristan needed a shower, so without overthinking it, he started driving to the coast, stopping along the way to get fuel and grab some overpriced toiletries. He found a shower block, tied Sadie up to a bench inside, and ignored the odd looks he got as he washed himself under showers that were really only intended for rinsing off sand.
He hit up a second hand shop to grab some clothes and some bedding to make the car more comfortable at night, ducking in and getting the first things he saw while Sadie waited for him tied up outside. He told himself that he was doing okay, that it wasn't so bad, but he knew that as soon as the money ran out or his car broke down, it would be over.
As the sun began to set, he found a spot off a walking track along the coast where he could sit against some screw palms and enjoy the fading light. He wished he had watercolours or pastels to capture the colour of the setting sun, but all he had were a few colourless pens and pencils he'd scrounged up from his car.
Maybe that was a better fit for his mood, anyway. He honestly wasn't sure. He still felt scared and hopeless, but he also felt like he could finally breathe for the very first time. It felt so bitterly unfair to have to choose between two unsustainable options. Why couldn't he just have something good? He tried to be someone who deserved it, but maybe not hard enough. Or maybe it didn't even matter because life wasn't fair. Maybe a truly good person was one who accepted that life was going to kick them in the teeth but still did the right thing anyway.
The sound of Tristan's ringtone interrupted his thoughts, and when he pulled his phone out of his pocket, the screen said 'dad'. He considered ignoring it and blocking the number, but he remembered a time at work when a girl had a stalker who kept texting her non-stop. Tristan had asked why she didn't just block the number, and she told him that the texts were the only warning she got that her stalker was planning something.
“What?” was all Tristan said as he answered the call.
"No, we won't be doing any more of that," his dad said. "If you want to come back home, things are going to be different. No more of this disrespect and backtalk. You hear me? Now, give me a 'yes, sir.'"
Tristan cringed. “No, I’m good.”
"You think you can keep this up? You're only making it harder on yourself when you come crawling back."
“It’s not going to happen. I’d literally rather kill myself.”
"Cut the dramatics, Tristan. When you do come back, we’re going to have some new house rules. I've already taken your bedroom door off, and there won't be any more locks or secret hiding places. I'll be checking your sketchbooks and electronics randomly, and don't even think about deleting your browsing history. And say goodbye to your freedom. You'll only be leaving the house for school and work, and you bet I'll be checking to make sure your hours line up."
“Fucking christ,” Tristan murmured. “No wonder mum left.”
“What did you say to me?”
“Eh,” Tristan said, leaning his head back against the tree he was sitting against and shutting his eyes. “I think you heard.”
"That's it. Don't even bother coming back. You don't have a home here anymore."
“Great,” Tristan said, and then he immediately ended the call.
He'd never dared to speak to his dad like that before, never had the courage to mouth off because he’d known there would be consequences. Now that he was beyond his father's reach, finally letting himself speak his mind, the sheer impotence of his father's rage was almost funny. He could demand and threaten all he wanted, and Tristan could simply say no. The realisation hit him like a lightning bolt: he could just say no! Maybe his life was completely spiralling out of control, and maybe there was no good way out of the situation he was in, but as he watched stars slowly blink into existence in the dimming sky, he found it hard to care. At least he was free.
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