Satisfied with the reaction he gets, Garland gets up and puts his tray away. Aurion hands him the other two, and Chef Imam had quietly delivered a take-out box for the veggie wrap during the tale. Ravi sips her Spritz.

Ravi
That explains a lot, actually.

Garland
What's that supposed to mean? At least my dad isn't a gay teacher.

Ravi furrows her brow and frowns.

Aurion
But you two are half-siblings?

Ravi & Garland
(Simultaneously.) Unfortunately.

Aurion
So, Ravi, what can you say about Garland's methods?

Ravi
That it reflects the exclusivity of masculine bonding. That's why it's so high-energy and wall-smacking, like dogs in bumper cars.

Garland
(Genuinely confused.) Huh?

Ravi
Your idea of family is "no girls allowed, except mom", and only because she cleans up after you.

Garland
(Sipping his drink.) Pretty much.

Aurion
Well, I noticed that you use a lot of diversions and colorful language to fill in the spaces for an otherwise short story. Ravi, your story was like an ominous drive to Grandma's house. Garland, yours is like an insane tour bus with an irregular booster jet.

Garland
(Quietly smug.) Thank you.

Aurion
We also had to point you back to your own story a lot, and it was tough to tell from your tone what was actually important to you. You gave almost equal weight to everything you talked about, even though some of it never happened.

Ravi
It's like you're trying to tire us out so we don't fight your punchline with a healthy amount of disbelief.

Garland
Or... maybe I just don't care about anything more than anything else. It's all an adventure to me. Like getting shot!

Silence.

Aurion
A high pitch becomes a flat tone eventually.

Ravi
Yeah, and like, shock humor only works when your reaction matches the situation appropriately. Your struggle to react differently is what creates the tension. You can't just pretend to be some opposite-day psycho who hates love and loves hate, it's unrelatable.

Garland
(Sweating.) Right, yeah. Pretending.

A peculiar silence. Aurion checks the clock on the wall.

Aurion
We'd better get back to school.

As they walk out, Ravi looks back to see Chef Imam dropping a scoop of butter in the deep fryer, and lifting out a big basket of fries. She pukes in her mouth and runs to the trash can.

The Next Day, at the Romanov Apartment.

Ravi sits on the couch at home, playing her GamePal. Alice, suited up in a coat, dress-shirt and black skinny jeans, sips the last of her coffee.

Alice
You gonna be okay?

Ravi
(Sniffles.) Eyaugh. Brobably. Zduffy nodze, sigk to by stomagch. I'm fiiidne.

Ravi leans on the arm of the couch. She picks up two sheets of paper, stapled together, and holds them up for Alice.

Ravi
(Arm in the air.) The school sent me an e-mail I printed out for you to sign. It's a sick-day form. Apparently the punishment for skipping school without it is a week of detention.

Alice
(Taking the papers.) That's unusually strict. What's this letter?

Ravi
A personal notice from The Principal, every student apparently got one.

Alice
What's his name?

Ravi
He just calls himself "The Principal". It's super weird.

Alice
(Reading aloud.) "Dear students, we have not yet received enough tryouts for the Riders Floor Hockey Team this season, and encourage you to do so. Any able-bodied student who fails to do so may receive lunch detention for one day, as their blatant disrespect for the proud pioneers who founded this town-" ack!

Alice rubs the bridge of her nose and takes a breather.

Alice
(Annoyed.) Fucking hell, dude. Break it up.

Ravi
(Snifflng.) I dnow.

Alice
(Back to reading.) "...from the backs of their very horses is nothing less than a failure to show basic appreciation for the food on their table, and the hands that put it there. I myself am descended from one such pioneer, Colonel James Friedrich Howlett the Third, and if he were alive today, he would be ashamed of all of you. So do the right thing, and show the Riders what you're made of! That is all. From, The Principal."

Ravi
...yeah, that's what he always sounds like.

Alice
Yikes, I'd be staying home sick too. Maybe you can call a friend, to pass the time.

Ravi
(SNRRK!) I dod't hab ady freidds.

Ravi snorts the mucus down and swallows it regretfully.

Alice
Jessica?

Ravi
She doesn't answer my calls, or my texts. She posts plenty of pics of herself online, though. Seems like she has a new hair-color every day, so that's cool.

Alice
Didn't she say she liked you back?

Ravi
Yep, then she ghosted. Pretty much immediately.

Alice
(Cringing.) Oh, ouch.

Ravi
Yeah. I bfeel lig shit.

Alice
Ravi... some people want love, other people just wanna play games. Even if they like you, they'll make you feel unlikeable just to see if they can. The sooner you figure it out, the better off you are.

Ravi
...I'm not sure she's... like that?

Alice
Well, you'll figure it out. Anyway, I gotta go. See ya later!

Ravi
Uh... yeah. Sure.

Alice leaves, and locks the door from the outside. Ravi considers calling another friend, and scrolls down her contact list. It's just relatives, Jessica, and the local game store. That's... pretty sad. Ravi shakes her head, and looks down at the GamePal; she finds herself losing a Gotchimon battle, and fifty Gotchicoins. She sighs. Then, her phone rings. She fumbles it, and picks it up.

Ravi
Hello?

Jessica
Hey!

Ravi
(Blinking.) Hi!

Jessica
You called?

Ravi
I-

Ravi looks at her smartphone. She did call, yeah. Accidentally.

Ravi
(Sweating.) Yeah, well, you picked up!

Jessica
Uh-huh.

An awkward silence.

Ravi
So how have you-

Jessica
(Annoyed.) You need to stop blowing up my phone, dude.

Ravi
I... uh. I'm not sure what you mean?

Jessica
I told you already, I'm seeing someone else. I was waiting for you to get the hint two years ago. Then you called my parents out of nowhere, and asked to talk to me? Not cool.

Ravi
(Feeling cornered.) Wow, you uh... normally don't talk this frankly.

Jessica
Yeah, well, I was trying to let you forget about me, which is what I'm trying to do with you. But last year you freaked me the hell out by calling my house, so I blocked you.

Ravi
(Narrowing her eyes.) Then how did my call get through?

Jessica
(Sighing.) I got a new phone. I should have changed my number, instead.

Ravi
(Rolling her eyes.) Whatever, I'm not gonna keep you. I'll hang up right now-

Jessica
(Abruptly.) Hold on. I'm not busy right now, anyway. Do you like your new school?

Ravi's face twists with confusion. What the fuck? Why does Jessica suddenly want to talk, but only when she doesn't?

Ravi
(Extremely unsure.) Uh... yeah. It's great. They make us eat off the floor, and stuff.

Jessica
At... school?

Ravi shakes her head, doubting this is going to go anywhere.

Ravi
(Relenting.) Yeah. And there's nothing to do when it's over, either. Nobody wants to hang out unless there's a party.

Jessica
Maybe I should come over some time. I could use a break.

Ravi mouths the words "yeah, right". 'She's just getting your hopes up,' Ravi thinks to herself. 'This is what she does every time.' As far as she knows, it is.

Ravi
Hey, whenever you want. How's your school?

Jessica
Chime Rock, oh. Wow. I don't know where to start. Cross? He... BOUGHT. The school. There's plaques in his name... on everything. Fountains. Benches. Toilets.

Ravi
Not the toilets.

Jessica
(Embarrassed.) Oh, yeah. For art class, we did a group project... it was a mural. Of him and I, half-naked, in flowing togas.

Ravi
(In disbelief and disgust.) Ugh, gross! I know you like modeling, but that's my grandpa, dude! Did you throw yourself to that lion, or did he have to sniff you out first?

Jessica
(Exasperated.) It was the only way I could pass art class!! All my assignments got failed, they told me I wasn't 'applying myself'. Then I had to pose for HOURS, and he didn't TELL me he was gonna put HIMSELF in it!! He claims it has a "new color" in it that "didn't exist before". It's on the brick wall, in the main entrance. I have to see it. Every. Single. Day.

Ravi
And they say money can't buy happiness.

Jessica
People still haven't stopped laughing at me. I'm transferring schools, to get away from them.

Ravi
(Pulse quickening.) Are you moving here?!

Jessica
(Dragging her feet to answer.) Uh... no. No, I'm not... doing that. I was just saying that before. I'm actually going to the other high-school in the city. Goldpeak Junior High? They're more sports-focused, and I'm going for the volleyball team.

Ravi
(Relieved.) ...oh, yeah. That makes more sense.

Ravi wonders why she's so relieved, even though she's still harboring an idiotic crush. 'Maybe because she's smarter than me?', she wonders. Then her heart beats hard again. 'Fuck, stop that', she thinks, pounding her own chest. No, that seems to be one of the factors that makes her want to see this girl again. So what is it? What puts her so on edge? Either way, Jessica's taken. She's gotta clear her head of this girl, and end this call. Eventually.

Jessica
What are sports like at your school?

Ravi
(Clearing her throat.) A-hrgh! Excuse me, uh... my school has this floor hockey team, they're called the "Riders". Apparently Goldpeak County was founded by some pioneers on horseback, or something.

Jessica
That's kind of cool. Do you get to go horseback riding there?

Ravi
No, I've only seen a few horses so far and most of them look underfed and sad.

Jessica
But hey, you're right next to Lake Starleaf, right? You could go fishing.

Ravi
My, uh. Relatives live in that area. I'd rather not be seen by them, because I'm pretty sure they're actual demons, who've escaped from Hell and taken human form. Or at least human skins.

Jessica
That's extremely common.

Ravi
But there's this tunnel, under the train-tracks? I could... go there. There's tons of graffiti. You could come with!

Jessica
(Quietly.) ...yeah.

Ravi
(Half-joking.) You and your whoever could make out. I'll watch, grab some popcorn. You can tell me what it's like to share tongue-space with someone, I'll soak up every word.

Jessica
(Laughing dryly.) Ha-ha-ha. You're hilarious. You'll find someone, just don't get bitter about it, okay?

Ravi
(Sighing.) Yeah, sure.

'Not a chance,' she thinks. Every time she looks into her own heart, all she sees is... a spider, casting cobwebs. Not a single fly in the web... like the heart itself is the target.

Ravi
(Blunt.) To be completely honest, nobody here likes me. No one I can actually stand, anyway. Nobody liked me back at Chime Rock, either. You were the first person to tell me that you did, before you... y'know. Stopped talking to me. Which I get! I'm not the most likeable person.

Jessica
(Hesitant.) Yyyeah. Sorry about that. But, y'know. Things happen. But I'm sure someone... I mean, they might! You just have to look a little closer.

Ravi
(Sarcastic.) Yeah, I'll go get my monocle. It's probably somewhere in the fine print. These guys seem pretty official about the whole thing.

Jessica
Everyone's different, and people don't act the same everywhere you go.

Ravi
Yeah, I... guess. I can't make heads or tails of these guys. I don't know what side of the fence they're on, about anything.

Jessica
So jump it! Figure it out, go with them. For a little walk.

Ravi
(Following.) A walk.

Jessica
(Laughing softly.) Exactly. You just gotta see things from their side of the fence.

Ravi nods, chewing on the thought for a bit. Then she remembers something.

Ravi
By the way, happy birthday! It was a few days ago, right?

Jessica
Uh... no? My birthday's the same month as yours. I'm still thirteen, just like you.

Ravi
(Sweating profusely.) Ha, ha. Oh, you're funny. I'm only twelve.

Jessica
Um, no you're not? You said your birthday was in twenty-fifty-two.

Ravi
Yeah.

Jessica
January twenty-seventh, right?

Ravi
...right. So I should be...

Jessica
Thirteen.

Ravi
But I didn't have a thirteenth birthday.

Jessica
Of course you did, and I almost showed up, too. Had other plans, though. (Sniff.)

Ravi
Can you hold for a second?

Ravi's mind skips a beat. She gets up and checks the document drawer in the kitchen... sure enough, her certificate is there.

[Gauravi Esperanza Romanov,
born January 27th, 2052.]

Her vision darkens, and she hazily remembers having a birthday party... while eating ravioli with a white pomeranian? Why was he at the table again? She goes to check her books, still holding the phone, but doubles over with fatigue, and catches herself on the hallway floor. She counts with her fingers.

Ravi
I'm... thirteen.

Jessica
Yeah, duh. Are you playing some kind of joke on me?

Ravi
(Sweating even more.) Totally, yeah.

Ravi can feel herself start to shrink. That, or the room is getting bigger. Is she in shock?

Jessica
Well, it's not funny. Anyway, don't get the wrong idea – we're just friends. I just want to know you're doing okay and not freaking out after... y'know. The freakout that you had before. I mean, some of the stuff you were saying, it was like you thought you were from a parallel universe or something.

What's she talking about? Parallel what? Ravi's hands are shaking.

Ravi
(Catching her breath.) ...totally. Yeah, for sure. I was... probably a real handful. Big jerk, honestly. Crazy. I'd better get going, huh?

Jessica
Uh... yeah?

Ravi
Yeah, I'm...

She squints. Her eyes are too big for her head. Her teeth, too. It's all too much. Is she swollen, or something?

Ravi
(Letting out breath.) I'm a teenager! Right?

Jessica
Not sure what that has to do with anything, but yeah, I guess you are. Anyway, I've got things to do, too. Don't call me back, I don't like hearing the phone ring. Makes me panic, I'm talking with a counsellor about it. I'll call you, okay?

Ravi
(Sweating again, thankful it's over.) If you must.

Ravi hangs up, and holds her head. She gets up and goes to the bathroom to look in the mirror. Her clothes are just slightly too big for her. For just a second, a flash of light washes over her, revealing her spirit to be that of a rabbit with horns. A jackalope. Then, it dissipates. Ravi stares on at herself, like it's nothing. She just puts her flattened palm to the top of her head, to measure her height.

Ravi
(Celtic accent.) I'm a wee friggin' TYKE, I am. Sakes.