Satisfied with the reaction he gets, Garland gets up and puts his tray away. Aurion hands him the other two, and Chef Imam had quietly delivered a take-out box for the veggie wrap during the tale. Ravi sips her Spritz.

Ravi
That explains a lot, actually.

Garland
What's that supposed to mean? At least my dad isn't a gay teacher.

Ravi furrows her brow and frowns.

Aurion
But you two are half-siblings?

Ravi & Garland
(Simultaneously.) Unfortunately.

Aurion
So, Ravi, what can you say about Garland's methods?

Ravi
That it reflects the exclusivity of masculine bonding. That's why it's so high-energy and wall-smacking, like dogs in bumper cars.

Garland
(Genuinely confused.) Huh?

Ravi
Your idea of family is "no girls allowed, except mom", and only because she cleans up after you.

Garland
(Sipping his drink.) Pretty much.

Aurion
Well, I noticed that you use a lot of diversions and colorful language to fill in the spaces for an otherwise short story. Ravi, your story was like an ominous drive to Grandma's house. Garland, yours is like an insane tour bus with an irregular booster jet.

Garland
(Quietly smug.) Thank you.

Aurion
We also had to point you back to your own story a lot, and it was tough to tell from your tone what was actually important to you. You gave almost equal weight to everything you talked about, even though some of it never happened.

Ravi
It's like you're trying to tire us out so we don't fight your punchline with a healthy amount of disbelief.

Garland
Or... maybe I just don't care about anything more than anything else. It's all an adventure to me. Like getting shot!

Silence.

Aurion
A high pitch becomes a flat tone eventually.

Ravi
Yeah, and like, shock humor only works when your reaction matches the situation appropriately. Your struggle to react differently is what creates the tension. You can't just pretend to be some opposite-day psycho who hates love and loves hate, it's unrelatable.

Garland
(Sweating.) Right, yeah. Pretending.

A peculiar silence. Aurion checks the clock on the wall.

Aurion
We'd better get back to school.

As they walk out, Ravi looks back to see Chef Imam dropping a scoop of butter in the deep fryer, and lifting out a big basket of fries. She pukes in her mouth and runs to the trash can.

The Next Day, at the Romanov Apartment.

Ravi sits on the couch at home, playing her GamePal. Alice, suited up in a coat, dress-shirt and black skinny jeans, sips the last of her coffee.

Alice
You gonna be okay?

Ravi
(Sniffles.) Eyaugh. Brobably. Zduffy nodze, sigk to by stomagch. I'm fiiidne.

Ravi leans on the arm of the couch. She picks up two sheets of paper, stapled together, and holds them up for Alice.

Ravi
(Arm in the air.) The school sent me an e-mail I printed out for you to sign. It's a sick-day form. Apparently the punishment for skipping school without it is a week of detention.

Alice
(Taking the papers.) That's unusually strict. What's this letter?

Ravi
A personal notice from The Principal, every student apparently got one.

Alice
What's his name?

Ravi
He just calls himself "The Principal". It's super weird.

Alice
(Reading aloud.) "Dear students, we have not yet received enough tryouts for the Riders Floor Hockey Team this season, and encourage you to do so. Any able-bodied student who fails to do so may receive lunch detention for one day, as their blatant disrespect for the proud pioneers who founded this town-" ack!

Alice rubs the bridge of her nose and takes a breather.

Alice
(Annoyed.) Fucking hell, dude. Break it up.

Ravi
(Snifflng.) I dnow.

Alice
(Back to reading.) "...from the backs of their very horses is nothing less than a failure to show basic appreciation for the food on their table, and the hands that put it there. I myself am descended from one such pioneer, Colonel James Friedrich Howlett the Third, and if he were alive today, he would be ashamed of all of you. So do the right thing, and show the Riders what you're made of! That is all. From, The Principal."

Ravi
...yeah, that's what he always sounds like.

Alice
Yikes, I'd be staying home sick too. Maybe you can call a friend, to pass the time.

Ravi
(SNRRK!) I dod't hab ady freidds.

Ravi snorts the mucus down and swallows it regretfully.

Alice
Rachel?

Ravi
She doesn't answer my calls, or my texts. But online, she posted a pic of herself... and her boyfriend. She's splayed out on the bed in a mini-skirt, looking drunk as hell. Dude looks like a skeeze, he has like six tattoos and a thin mustache.

Alice
(Cringing.) Oh, ouch.

Ravi
Yeah. I bfeel lig shit.

Alice
Well there was that dance you guys went to together...

Ravi
We didn't go together, we were just both... there. And she told me I was boring cause I'd never danced anything but line before.

Alice
IT WAS YOUR FIRST DANCE!

Ravi
Well, I should have practiced.

Alice
Ravi... some people want love, other people just wanna play games. Even if they like you, they'll make you feel unlikeable just to see if they can. The sooner you figure it out, the better off you are.

Ravi
...

Alice
Anyway, I gotta go. See ya later!

Ravi
Uh... yeah. Sure.

Alice leaves, and locks the door from the outside. Ravi looks down at the GamePal, and finds herself losing a Gotchimon battle, and fifty Gotchicoins. She sighs. Then, her phone rings. She fumbles it, and picks it up.

Ravi
Hello?

Rachel
Hey!

Ravi
(Blinking.) Hi!

Rachel
I saw you liked my pic.

Ravi
Your-

Ravi looks at her smartphone. The picture of her and Mr. Tats... has a blue thumbs-up.

Ravi
(Sweating.) Yeah well I thought it had nice... composition.

Rachel
Uh-huh.

An awkward silence.

Ravi
So why are you all-

Rachel
He's my cousin. The... tattoo guy. My dad took the picture.

Ravi
(Half-lidded.) No he didn't.

Rachel
(Feeling cornered.) Yeah, well- why am I all... what?

Ravi squints at the photo. She looks completely wasted, and they look like they're about to fuck. The fact that Rachel would knowingly leave any photo this close to an actual sex reel on her public profile is confounding. The fact that it's with a twenty-something grease-ball makes Ravi feel like she's looking at a crime scene.

Ravi
You look like you're having a hell of a time.

Rachel
Yeah, we were joking around.

Ravi
He's not really your cousin, is he?

Rachel
(Groaning.) No, he's my drug dealer. Why do you always have to be such a bitch?

Ravi
Why do you need a drug dealer if weed is legal? Can't you just get your mom to buy you some? That's what I do.

Rachel
Yeah, I'm... not buying weed from him.

An awkward silence.

Ravi
He looks like he's over the age of "guilty." Does he at least smack your ass and take you to dinner first?

Rachel

Hey, I'm old enough to do whatever I want. Fourteen year olds aren't babies anymore! A lot's changed since you left!

Ravi
(Grinning.) Same here. I'm going to school with a golden man, and I think he grants wishes. He keeps trying to kiss me.

Rachel
Ah, just like my dealer.

Ravi
Yeah, except I don't let him. And my guy's still in the school system. He's got a gold tooth, though, so at least they probably have something in common. As long as your dealer still has his original hips, unless he threw one out with you.

Rachel
(Unimpressed.) Haha.

Ravi
(Smirking.) Yeah...

Rachel
Do you like your new school?

Ravi
(Sighing with relief.) Oh, yeah. It's great. They make us eat off the floor and stuff.

Rachel
At... school?

Ravi
Yeah. And there's nothing to do when it's over, either. Nobody wants to hang out unless there's a party.

Rachel
Maybe I should come over some time. I could use a break.

Ravi
How's your school?

Rachel
Slate, oh. Wow. I don't know where to start. Cross? He... BOUGHT. The school. There's plaques in his name... on everything. Fountains. Benches. Toilets.

Ravi
Not the toilets.

Rachel
Oh, yeah. For art class, we did a group project... it was a mural of him and I, half-naked, in flowing togas.

Ravi
(Grossed-out.) No way. That's my grandpa, dude! Are you just throwing yourself to every lion you can find, or what?!

Rachel
It was the only way I could pass art class!! All my assignments got failed, they told me I wasn't 'applying myself'. Then I had to pose for HOURS, and he didn't TELL me he was gonna put HIMSELF in it!! He claims it has a "new color" in it that "didn't exist before". It's on the brick wall, in the main entrance. I have to see it. Every. Single. Day.

Ravi
And they say money can't buy happiness.

Rachel
People still haven't stopped laughing at me. I'm transferring schools, to get away from them.

Ravi
(Pulse quickening.) Are you moving here?!

Rachel
Uh... no. I'm going to the other high-school in the city. Chime Rock High. They're more sports-focused, and I'm going for the volleyball team.

Ravi
...oh, yeah. That makes more sense. My school has this floor hockey team, they're called the "Riders". Apparently Goldpeak County was founded by some pioneers on horseback, or something.

Rachel
That's kind of cool. Do you get to go horseback riding there?

Ravi
No, I've only seen a few horses so far and most of them look underfed and sad.

Rachel
But hey, you're right next to Lake Starleaf, right? We could go fishing.

Ravi
My, uh. Relatives live in that area. I'd rather not be seen by them, because I'm pretty sure they're actual demons, who've escaped from Hell and taken human form. Or at least human skins.

Rachel
That's extremely common.

Ravi
But there's this tunnel, under the train-tracks? We could... go there. There's tons of graffiti. For you. We could do cocaine there, or something, whatever your flavor is.

Rachel
I'm... kind of trying to keep my nose clean. These days. I haven't actually been seeing my dealer, either.

Ravi
Oh, that's good. But don't leave him for too long, the retirement home has short hours and I'm sure he misses you.

Rachel
(Quietly.) ...yeah.

Ravi
(Half-joking.) We could make out.

Rachel
Hahaha. You're hilarious, but come on. I don't even like you that way, and you're always looking like some dead-eyed princess. I'm sure everyone's all over you.

Ravi
No, I uh. They don't really like me here, any more than you guys did.

Rachel
Maybe they show it differently. Or their 'liking levels' are lower, because they have less to worry about.

Ravi
Huh?

Rachel
Well, if there's less awfulness in their lives, then they don't need as much good to fight it.

Ravi
Yeah, that... sounds right. They're like morally neutral blobs sometimes. I can't make heads or tails of them.

Rachel
Or... you just have to look a little closer, to see their different sides. They're not all exaggerated like us city kids. I've lived in an even busier place than Preston, and the difference is like... three stages of calmness. So Goldpeak is probably like...

Ravi
The chill hill, not the hot spot.

Rachel
(Laughing softly.) Exactly. You just gotta see things from their side of the fence.

Ravi nods, chewing on the thought for a bit. Then she remembers something.

Ravi
By the way, happy birthday! It was a few days ago, right?

Rachel
Thank you! Yep, I'm fourteen now, like I said. How about you? You're turning fourteen too, aren't you? This winter?

Ravi quietly burns at the thought of a thirteen-year-old girl in literally every situation she just described, feeling in her mind like she's bleeding from the eyes with pain. Then she snaps back to it.

Ravi
(Sweating profusely.) Ha, ha. Oh, you're funny. I'm only twelve.

Rachel
Um, no you're not? You said your birthday was in twenty-fifty-two.

Ravi
Yeah.

Rachel
January twenty-seventh, right?

Ravi
...right. So I should be...

Rachel
Thirteen.

Ravi
But I didn't have a thirteenth birthday.

Rachel
Of course you did, and I almost showed up, too. Had other plans, though. (Sniff.)

Ravi
Can you hold for a second?

Ravi's mind skips a beat. She gets up and checks the document drawer in the kitchen... sure enough, her certificate is there.

[Gauravi Esperanza Romanov,
born January 27th, 2052.]

Her vision darkens, and she hazily remembers having a birthday party... while eating ravioli with a white pomeranian? Why was he at the table again? She goes to check her books, still holding the phone, but doubles over with fatigue, and catches herself on the hallway floor. She counts with her fingers.

Ravi
I'm... thirteen.

Rachel
Yeah, duh. Are you playing some kind of joke on me?

Ravi
(Sweating even more.) Totally, yeah.

Ravi can feel herself start to shrink. That, or the room is getting bigger. Is she in shock? Her hands are shaking.

Rachel
Well, it's not funny. Anyway, don't get the wrong idea – we're still not friends. I just hate the thought of you rotting away in some dump without me to kick your ass into shape.

Ravi
(Catching her breath.) ...totally. Yeah, for sure. Who wouldn't want that?

Rachel
You're... okay, aren't you?

Ravi
Yeah, I'm...

She squints. Her eyes are too big for her head. Her teeth, too. It's all too much. Is she swollen, or something?

Ravi
(Letting out breath.) I'm a teenager! Right?

Rachel
Not sure what that has to do with anything, but yeah, I guess you are. Anyway, I've got things to do. Don't call me back, I don't wanna hear the phone ring. I'll call you, okay?

Ravi
If you must.

Ravi hangs up, and holds her head. She gets up and goes to the bathroom to look in the mirror. Her clothes are just slightly too big for her. For just a second, a flash of light washes over her, revealing her spirit to be that of a rabbit with horns. A jackalope. Then, it dissipates. Ravi stares on at herself, like it's nothing. She just puts her flattened palm to the top of her head, to measure her height.

Ravi
(Celtic accent.) I'm a wee friggin' TYKE, I am. Sakes.