The night continued; the group of reunited friends didn’t argue the rest of the night. They drank and had fun like they had in the past. She had convinced herself not to worry, at least not now, reminding herself that everything in Wonderland was different. Maybe this was too. It didn’t need to make sense. Things sometimes were just what they were.

March and CC left through a permanent portal Mad had fixated onto the home. It led to the Brothel March owned and where CC stayed. Alice was amazed and perplexed by the portal, playing with opening, and closing the door after they said their goodbyes. Having exhausted her fun, Alice turned away realizing that once more, the two past lovers were alone.

The two walked down the hallway and into the common room, stopping at the stairway in silence. Her bedroom had always been on the first floor, and his on the second.

“Pretty wild day today, right?” Alice asked awkwardly, unsure why shyness squirmed underneath her skin. A sudden bout of bashfulness tugged at the revelations of the night. Now alone in Mad’s company, her mind brought up questions. Curiosities she quashed, pushing them down for later.

“Yeah,” a smile creeped across his face. “I’m sure you're exhausted. You still drunk? You drank a lot there.” He giggled, it was lovely, and Alice was giddy just hearing it. 

“Mmhmm,” she muttered, “I’m fine now. Just tired.” She paused, “Is my room still over here?” Alice asked, pointing down the direction she was familiar with.

“Oh…Uh, yeah.” Mad, stuttered, awkwardly fidgeting with the hem of his sleeve. “This way.” He beckoned her down through the living room and through the study until they were at the back of the house.

“Wow!” Alice ran into the room, “Ugh it’s so nostalgic! It’s all the same.” Alice spun with her arms out, as if she could touch it all at once. The room was comfortable in size, allowing for the spacious dance. Alice moved towards the large bookshelf which divided the room, her fingertips graced each item and book that found their home there. Her eyes moved silently to the canopy bed as it lay secluded by the window, a desk nearby littered with more practical objects on the other end. Emotions filled her heart, “You know, this is the only room I had that stayed the same. Thank you for upkeeping it all this ‘time’—all these moments.”

Mad nodded, a dim smile pulled his lips. With his arms crossed, he leaned against the door frame. His own chest flooded by emotions, complicated ones, but at the moment, joy graced his very existence from head to toe.

“Ah, my clothes, let’s see if any of these still fit.” Alice opened the wooden dresser and started rummaging through the items. She stumbled on an old night gown she used to wear; a slip made of blue silk. She hurriedly took off her shirt, her body moved on its own, still inhibited by drink, free of inhibition. She tossed the sweat filled blouse to the side.

Mad, who had been watching in amusement, admired her lovely and delicate movements as his heart swelled over her smile. His pupils dilated, realizing that Alice was undressing shamelessly. He flipped around to stand with his back against the hallway, keeping his eyes away from her supple frame.

Had she done that on purpose or was it just absent mindedness fueled by drink? He ran his hand across his face in an attempt to wipe away the heat that exposed his jumping libido. Just like when she had grown so giant, and then suddenly so small in his hand, the thought of her naked skin pressing against his fingertips ignited a flame in his belly. The two other moments had been an accident, a mistake, this instance, he couldn’t tell if she was acting this way on purpose. He ran his eyes against the opposite side of the hall, attempting to keep his mind distracted, only to find that her body reflected back at him from a mirror. She continued talking but he didn’t hear anything she said. He looked away again, silencing a groan of frustration; the universe was testing him.

“It’s a little bit tight, but it still fits.” Alice came out of the room, pushing her hand up against the doorframe, she leaned towards Mad as he struggled to keep his body relaxed.

His eyes drifted down over her; his mind still alight with fluttering wings. The night dress most definitely pressed tighter onto her frame. It hugged her breasts and pushed them up; plumper and more appealing than he remembered. She had filled out with weight in a few places, so it didn’t fit exactly the way he had made it. Now, it bunched and pulled her body, accentuating it here and there. Mad tried to shake the attraction from his mind. He could adjust her clothing later to make them fit more comfortably for her. But he had another thought on his mind he wanted to ask.

“Can I ask you something?” In unison the two asked at once.

“Ah, go ahead.” Mad ushered her to continue, waving his hand in her direction.

Alice hesitated. Are you okay? Alice wanted to ask, pull off the mask and get down to it. But she held back. Told herself no. To worry about it later. Another moment they can work that out.

“Did you have fun?” She asked instead, a starter question to test the waters. See what he wanted to tell her. Reveal what he didn’t. 

“Yeah, it was really nice.” Sighing, he leaned his head back against the wall. Giving Alice a sideways glance he smiled, “You know CC was having fun too, right? They missed you a lot.”

Alice laughed, finishing with a click of her tongue, “Oh yeah, I could tell.” Sarcasm thickly coated her voice while her eyes rolled.

“CC’s just glad you’re back and doesn’t know how to show it. I’m glad you’re back too.” Mad said, an energetic gleam speckled his voice.

I’m glad I’m back too. The voice emanated from the back of her mind; subconscious thoughts fueled by her heart, surprising her. Despite everything, she was happy to be with him again, with all of them. That tug of guilt played with her again. For now, she just wanted to be happy, she could allow herself a compromise until they found another way back. 

Alice inhaled deeply, she leaned towards Mad, resting her head against his shoulder. He smelled good. Citrus, and pine. Alice relished that scent, finding a nostalgia of sweet sourness, misted with the refreshing woodsy-ness that belonged to him.  It was nice being back. Seeing him again, she felt that honestly and truthfully in her body. She couldn’t relax though, the worry, the unknown, the uncertainty, the fear and anxiety held her back from completely relinquishing herself to his body. She couldn’t quite place it. It felt like everything and nothing at the same time. What else could she compromise on?

“You know,” Mad started, replacing the void of her silence to propose an option. “If you don’t want to stay here, we can find another way. I know CC was hassling you, but I don’t wanna force you if you wouldn’t be happy here.”

Alice watched his face; she didn’t believe for an instant he truly felt what he said, just words of politeness. Her conversation with March filled her mind, reminding her it would be better to go. March would help her find a way to leave; Mad didn’t need to know. He didn’t need to know that two of his dearest people were already planning her departure behind his back. Planning to leave him alone once more.

She looked up into his eyes, “I’m not sure what I want yet. I’m just really tired. Do you mind if we put this conversation on pause and we can figure out what’s best later?”

Mad stilled, sadness, yet a sense of relief washed over the constricting ache in his belly. It wasn’t a no, and that was enough for now. “Of course, get some rest. Good night, Jellybean.” He ruffled her hair, and she turned her back on him. The door gently closed, becoming a physical barrier that separated them. He pressed his hands up against it, and neither were aware the other hesitated on the other side, as they both leaned their foreheads against the wood. Their hands pressed up against that barrier, one that, if removed, their bodies would intertwine together to form one.

They were both happy. They were both scared. They both wanted to stay. But they were both uncertain what would happen.

He turned and walked back to his room, while Alice stood against the door just a little bit longer. Her thoughts raced, her body weak with fatigue, exhausted yet a rush of adrenaline kept her awake. It had gotten late, if she didn’t get any sleep now, she would sleep the whole day away.

That didn’t matter now though. She didn’t have a family to take care of, she didn’t have classes to attend. She didn’t need to get to work the next day, she didn’t have to worry about bills, finances, car payments and if she had enough left to put food on the table. The relief of that pressure felt good. Why did she have to go back? To a horrible life. To a mundane life, miserable and misanthropic. Day in and day out the same life. Miserable family, miserable people, miserable friends. Was any of it worth going back to?

The alternative, she began to think. Mad and his chaos, the drugs!? CC and March, who were much more levelheaded, yet had their own secrets and agendas to fulfill. Mysteries, new puzzles, Wonderland made no sense, and it would put her in danger.

Could she even go back home if she wanted? What if she was stuck? She had only known one way in and out. If only she didn’t have to choose, she wished she could have the choice ripped from her clutches. That would be better. If she didn’t have to think, didn’t have to choose, she couldn’t make the wrong one and spend the rest of her mortal life regretting it.

Each thought kept rampaging through her mind, one after the other. She slowly crawled her way into her bed, into sheets that were familiar and warm. Nothing smelt like dust. Mad must have upkept her room, she realized. The thought of him coming in and out to wash her sheets made her heart flutter with excitement before it dropped. How long had he been doing it for? How long had he been waiting for her to come back? Uncertain if she ever would? She rolled over and put her hands over her eyes. Laying on her back, the comfort of the bed felt like the hug she needed, the one she wanted. Comforting and calming, she could relax and fall to sleep. But sleep wouldn’t take her.

She looked out the window, watching as the wind blew just so slightly, moving the shadow of the trees in the breeze, like they still wanted to dance. He must have been going by that spot by the door frequently. A new wonder filled her brain. What were the odds if he had not been. Had he never stopped thinking about her?

Meanwhile, she had to forget it all. Told she was crazy, that she made it all up, Wonderland, Mad, none of it was real; and she believed them. She moved on.

She began to understand why CC had been so upset with her.

She did her best to accept life in the mortal world, and he never gave up on her coming back.

Why now? What had she done differently than before that prevented that door from letting her transcend time and space? Was there some reason beyond her understanding that prevented her from coming back? Was it her desire? Was it something she’d done? Alice's mind wandered once more. She had tried coming back, the trials of the mortal world had run her ragged. Distraught and lonely, she was poked and prodded, by a criminal trial followed by home visits, lawyers, cops. The case of the missing girl had even prompted the local media to invade her life. She lived in a small town, so of course everyone wanted to know. They were curious. They were nosy.

It had set Alice’s mind ablaze, everything felt wrong and out of place, and yet, she couldn’t go back. Time and time again she had tried to go back to that spot by the tree. The small hole she could crawl into where she’d suddenly find herself at the base of a door that opened into a whole new world.

But it never opened again.

She closed her eyes and tried to think. She couldn’t remember the day before. She strained, trying her best to retrace her steps. There had to have been a reason, a clue must exist somewhere. It didn’t make sense otherwise. There was nothing but darkness. Thinking, pondering, slowly, bits and pieces began to surface. It had been a normal day. She went by and bought alcohol. She went to her mother’s grave. She went out with friends.

She opened her eyes, giving her mind a break. Rolling over she adjusted her pillow, rearranging it just enough that a second pillow fell to the floor. Leaning over to pick it up, her hand reached for it, and a flash of something crossed her mind. A sense of déjà vu followed by a misplaced sound. A gut wrenching feeling suddenly pooled in her stomach. She thought she would vomit again, she sat up, making herself dizzy.

She had done something, something bad and unforgivable. She clutched her belly, the sharp pain increased as she dug her nails into her flesh. She was so close to remembering.

Her body lurched forward in on itself, gasping for breath as a fragmented memory crashed into her skull. It wasn’t clear, the memory heavy with haze but she felt it in her chest. A sudden drop perforated her guts. Cold sweat drenched her skin and her spine tingled as the memory erupted her synaptic nerves. The sound of the knife falling from her hand, clamoring against the kitchen tile. She had bent over to pick it up, decided against it when she heard her grandmother scream. 

That must have been it, her normal life was over in the mortal world. She did something she couldn’t take back.

Images of driving away in a hurry flashed across her eyes. Desperate to escape, stealing secondhand clothes to replace her own that had been stained with blood. She remembered buying the alcohol and getting so drunk in order to forgot it all.

Well, it worked.

She began pacing her room. The door, Wonderland must have opened up again to allow her to escape, she had been given a second chance at a new life. She could stay. That meant she could stay! She had no home to go back to. The choice had already been made for her. She didn’t have to think about it anymore. This would be her home. This is where she could be safe.

She could stay and be with him.