Emilia

“I-I think… I’m pregnant,” I confess through sobs.

Trembling uncontrollably, I cling to my dear friend. The weight of shame from that day crashes over me, as I remember the way I allowed him to use my body. How I surrendered to him out of a misguided need to feel loved.

And my God, Lucas!

I told him I was his. I pushed him into giving our relationship a chance, and despite knowing what I did with Creed, he chose to love me regardless of my mistakes. What will this revelation mean for us now? After this, how could he ever look at me in the same way again?

“Take a breath, okay? Did Tammy do the intake? Urine sample, blood?” She pulls back as I nod. “Alright. Let’s get you some answers, then.” She picks up the tablet and swiftly sends a message to Tammy. “Some of the labs will take a few days to come back, so I’ll call you as soon as they’re in. As far as pregnancy, she’s checking your urine sample. For now, talk to me. What makes you think you’re pregnant?”

“I didn’t realize it until I checked earlier this week. I missed two periods, Hannah. Two! How could I have missed that?” My voice sounds shrill and petulant to my own ears, but I’m beyond caring. How else is one supposed to sound when the world is collapsing around them?

“It’s understandable, Emi. You’ve been under a lot of stress.” Glancing at the tablet again, she swipes a few times before meeting my gaze. “Is Creed the only man you’ve been intimate with the past few months?” When I shake my head, I wait for the judgment in her eyes, but it never comes. “You don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable.”

“Lucas. We’ve been seeing each other. We slept together for the first time two weeks ago.”

“I see.” Desperate for some reassurance, I scrutinize her expression, but she reveals nothing. “Go on and lay down for me.”

As I do what she says, she reaches for the box of purple gloves, which she then slides onto her hands with practiced ease. Without a word, she goes about her job, moving to the end of the bed and lifting the blanket that shields me so she can begin her examination.

“Sorry, my fingers are cold.” As she works, her gaze moves to the far wall, and I watch with bated breath as she processes whatever she’s feeling. “Okay, you’ll feel a little pressure now.” Her free hand moves to my lower abdomen, applying gentle pressure as she continues her examination until finally withdrawing and readjusting the paper-thin blanket over my legs. Walking to the opposite side of the room, she disposes of the gloves and washes her hands.

“I need you to lie there another minute.” She turns to me, her eyes brimming with compassion. “Just need to check in with Tammy and grab some equipment. Will you be alright?”

With a quick nod, I return to studying the intricate patterns on the ceiling tile above me. It's only when I hear the soft click of the door closing behind her that I press both fists against my eyes, using the pressure to stave off the tears threatening to escape. I’m so angry at myself for letting this happen, and even more furious with Creed for everything he’s done to our family.

When the door opens, I drop my arms to my side, blinking back the tears. Hannah’s back is to me as she pulls a cart behind her. It’s equipment of some sort, and when she gets it through the door, I realize it’s an ultrasound machine.

"Emilia," the way she says my name sends my stomach plummeting. “You were right. You are pregnant.”

It’s over.

As a sob tears through my chest, I'm suddenly confronted with the consequences of my actions. Desolation. Immediate emptiness. They course through me like poison, obliterating all the happiness and contentment Lucas poured into me over the past several weeks.

Why did I do this to us?

With our track record, I never should have allowed us to fall for the lie that the obstacles didn’t matter because we were meant to be. For there is something to be said for not missing that which you’ve never had. Before we gave ourselves to one another, back then, we could have survived this more easily. But now, with our love reawakened, and life seemingly back to the way it should have always been, I don’t know how either of us will survive this.

“Emilia, before we go any further, I want to take a look. To see where we are, so we know where to go from here.” As I struggle to rein in my emotions, she prepares the machine. “You remember this, right?” She holds up the ultrasound wand. “I’m going to insert this so we can see your uterus. You’re early in the pregnancy, so a transvaginal ultrasound is the most effective approach.” Though too overwhelmed to respond, I watch as she positions herself between my legs. "Would you like to see? If not, I can angle the screen away."

Even before she’s finished the sentence, I’m already shaking my head. I don’t want to see, for seeing makes it real. Another baby. How could I possibly consider bringing another one of his children into this world? A third innocent soul who will be forced to endure the pain of Creed’s abandonment. I still don’t have a clue how I’m going to get my two daughters through the loss of their father, and the notion of bringing another innocent child into this chaos feels selfish.

Or perhaps it’s my fear of losing the man I love that’s fueling these thoughts. Is the threat of losing the life I just found overshadowing the maternal instincts that should compel me to protect my unborn child, no matter the cost? These thoughts…they paint me as a terrible mother. As a woman, this is a gift. Shouldn’t I feel joy and excitement at the prospect of bringing a new life into the world? So why does it feel more like an end, rather than a new beginning?

“Emilia.” Hannah's sorrowful gaze meets mine as she drapes the blanket over me once more. Putting away the instrument that was just inside me, she discards her gloves and helps me sit up. “What can I do? Do you want to talk about your options? How can I help make this easier for you?”

“God, Hannah. I don’t think I can do this.”

“Emi, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want. Based on measurements, you’re about eight weeks or so. That gives us a couple of weeks to consider your options. What do you need from me to help you make a decision?”

“How long? How much time do I have?”

“I’d say two weeks at best, three at most. Beyond that things get more complicated. The sooner you decide, the easier it will be.”

“And the baby… it’s Creed’s, isn’t it?”

When she confirms it with a nod, I collapse into my hands. This affirms I am a terrible mother. Regardless of genetics, my job is to love my children unconditionally. Yet here I am, devastated by the news that the baby I’m carrying is Creed's, and feeling more convinced that termination is the best option. The thought churns my stomach, a reaction Hannah notices, for she swiftly places a plastic basin in front of me. While her hand rubs soothing circles against my back, I spill the contents of my stomach. When I finish, she hands me wet paper towels and gives me a moment to compose myself.

“How did this happen, Hannah? I took the pills you gave me, just as instructed.”

“These things happen sometimes.” She covers my hand with hers. “The morning-after pill has a low failure rate, but it's effective only if you haven't ovulated at the time of intercourse. Based on the timing of your last menstrual period, I was hopeful timing would be on our side.”

Defeated and unable to speak, I bow my head and let the silent tears fall.

“Alright, here’s what we’ll do. Let’s set up an appointment in two weeks, at which time we can either terminate, or we’ll get you started on a prenatal plan. If you make a final decision before then, call me and I’ll fit you in. For now, give yourself some time to think it through, Emi. You and your two little girls are what matters right now. Decide what is best for you and them, then we’ll take it from there. Choosing to end this pregnancy doesn’t make you a terrible mother or a bad person. It’s a choice. One only you can make, the reasons being nobody’s business but yours.”

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Author’s Note:

The hits just keep on coming for poor Emilia. I feel for her and I hope she'll trust Lucas enough, to give him the chance to be the man she and her children need.

What do you think about this chapter? Now that Emilia has everything she ever wanted, can you understand why she's conflicted over the news of the pregnancy?

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