I knock on Madison’s door, but there’s no answer. Trying again, it’s the same.

What should I do?

The silence that I’m thankful for is now starting to make me wonder if it was the right thing to keep. I have no direction, and I’m now left on my own.

My hand is hesitant on Madison’s door knob and I act before overthinking it too much.

She might need me, so let me be there in case she does.

There’s no one rejecting me opening the door, no Madison either once I’m in her room. I look around the empty room before spotting a light peeking out of the closet.

“Madison? Hey, it’s Matt, are you okay?”

Another set of absent responses to the repeated process of knocking and opening the door. I do this time see Madison as she’s on the floor in the corner. Her head against the wall, looking up with her lips whispering something I can’t hear and her thumb rubbing her left wrist. It’s obvious that she’s been crying by the black smudges around her eyes.

Oh, my Sunshine.

I get in front of her, and she has yet to notice my presence. Closer up, I can see even more how broken up she is. I touch her to let her know I’m here. She jumps with a frightened expression settling on her face which breaks me even more for her.

“What happened, Sunshine?”

Her face relaxes as she then takes her music out.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I just needed a moment. I don’t really do well with crowds.”

Her tone tells me she’s telling the truth, but I don’t believe them. I doubt it was a crowd that has gotten her to this point. I’ve never seen her so broken, even after the bridge, so for her to be like this, it had to be something more.

Maybe she’s finally fallen over the edge?

I’m not sure, I only know that now I have to be here for her. Before it was a must, so now it’s even more of one. I have to be the one she can count on to keep moving forward. She can’t handle this alone, and I don’t want to make her.

“Madison, you can tell me the truth. You know that right? Nothing you say or do is ever going to scare me away from you. I’m here for you, always.”

I mean it. I’ve seen a lot worse in life, so there isn’t anything she could do or say that would frighten me from her. It’s more me that’s afraid of frightening her away.

“I had a panic attack…”

Sunshine…

I want to do what I can to help her through, but I’m not sure what that is. I don’t want to overwhelm her more, so I leave it up to her.

“Okay, is there something I can do to help?”

She shakes her head before responding.

“I seriously am fine now, I just needed a moment away from everyone else to get my barrings again.”

I don’t want to push her into another attack, but I also want to help prevent one the same. The only way to do that is to know what pushed this one on. So, pushing is what’s needed.

“What caused it?”

She looks at her wrist for a moment before back up at me.

“I thought I would be okay with everyone here, but I’m not. I don’t want to send anyone home though. I’ll just make sure to take the space I need to help me not get overwhelmed. It’s only one day, right?”

Does that mean she needs space from me?

But, she’d ask if she did, or maybe this is her way of doing so?

I want to do what she wants, but I don’t want to leave her alone. Maybe it’s a little selfish, or maybe not, but I want to be here for her.

“Do you mind if I sit with you?”

The in-between feels longer than I’m sure it is, but with a faint lighten in her expression her response makes me happy.

“No.”

I’d love nothing more than to hold Madison and make her feel better, but is that what she wants?

Until I know for sure, I give her space. I do though sit as close as possible while giving her that space. Everyone needs someone in moments like these.

Madison keeps her earbuds out, but I can see how much she wants them back in with how she keeps looking at her laptop to her left as the music video plays. The silence seems to hurt her more than help. I decide to take the step of putting the music back in while putting one of her earbuds in mine to be in the moment still together. That’s more so for myself to feel in the moment instead of watching it again. Taking the initiative to be one acting instead of to the side again. I’m in this story too.

I do take note of her not pulling away from me again. Of how she seems to even lean in a bit towards me.

I look at her, keeping my gaze gentle along with my tone.

“What are you listening to?”

Her eyes then on me, there is something warm about them. I normally don’t get to see them this close, and with the shadows we’re under, they seem darker. Not like mine, not like there is a darkness to them, but more so that they are fading into it. Getting lost in it in a way I need to help her pull out.

I promise, Sunshine, I’ll be the one you need. Name it, and I’ll be him. Just please hold on.

Her attention snaps to her laptop too quickly and leaves me cold for a moment. Even though she’s shutting me out again, she still holds the warmth I crave. The light. Her tone even sounds distant from me with her next words.

“Just some worship music. It helps me settle down sometimes. Do you want me to put on something else?”

“No, I’m good listening to whatever you want to, Sunshine.”

We stay like that for a bit. So close, yet so far away. Though the distance seems to fade, I hope it’s enough that she keeps her trust on me. It seemed there for a moment, but I’m not sure what happened to make her ice me out.

It’s not much longer before things shift from being in her closet to Madison making her way into her bedroom. She stands at her desk with me lying back on her bed. She wanted to fix her makeup before heading out. I understand why, but I think she looks best without any. I enjoy the times she’s not wearing it. When she’s more herself.

She seems to be a big reader, something I already had an idea of, but it’s shown even more by her overflowing book case. It does feel weird to finally be in her space. Weird, but a good weird.

I have one of her books in my hands as I look over it. I’m trying to get an idea of the things she likes. With Hannika soon, I wanted to get her something. I’m not entirely sure how it’s celebrated, but she’s into it, so I will give it a try.

“Hey, Sunshine, what kind of books are your favorite?”

“I used to like fantasy, but now I lean more towards sci-fiction. But just about any book with a good story and a bit of romance.”

I look up at her, locking eyes through the mirror. I don’t understand why her taste would change.

“Why don’t you like fantasy anymore?”

She looks down for a moment before back up at herself in the mirror.

“I still do, it’s just hard to find any I can read. I stay clear of books with magic and spice, so it’s near impossible to find any fantasy books I can read. I actually still really enjoy fantasy books, but it’s easier to give them up rather than deal with the hassle.”

So, her taste didn’t change.

“That’s kind of sad. Why give up something you enjoy so much?”

She puts her makeup down before turning around to me.

“Because you love something more. I got more devoted to God after coming away from the new age, and couldn’t do many of the stuff I did before with no conviction anymore. Almost like getting into something I shouldn’t pushed me far enough into the dark to see more clearly once I was out.”

I get that. Sometimes it takes you at your lowest to see where you need to go. Your worst to see what your life has become.

Well, some people...

“That makes sense. Like how many people have to reach rock bottom before they realize how messed up there life was.”

“Exactly. The New Age was kind of my rock bottom. I’m ready, I guess we should join everybody before they wonder where we went.”

I would still rather stay here, just the two of us, but I know she’s right. As much as I’d like to stay in here the rest of the time with Madison, it probably won’t blow over so well with the rest of everyone.

‘You’re also supposed to be getting to know everyone.’

Yeah… that too.

I smile to cover my negative feelings about it before making sure my words show the same cover. Picking to tease her about it with a suggestion that isn’t all that false.

“We could always ditch them and have an adventure of our own.”

Needing to get to know everyone or not, I’d drop it all to escape with her. To be only the two of us for a little while longer.

Madison is quiet for a moment which turns my smile more true than before as I can see her wanting to take the suggestion.

Come on, Sunshine, just give in.

“Though I would love to take you up on that offer, I can’t.”

She gives her hand out for me to grab, and I take the small gesture for now.

“I guess you’re right, Sunshine. But if things overwhelm you too much, just say the word, and I’ll take you away from the chaos.”

She laughs at that, it’s something that steals a beat of my heart as the light begins to brighten in her.

Because of me?

“Okay.”

That one response does something to me. I’m not sure what exactly, but I do know that is makes me want all the more to fight for her. To show that I can be the one she can count on. That it’s me she should be falling for.

Please, Sunshine, give us a shot. I’d take on anything for you. I’d give up anything. Be anything, just let me be yours.

The problem, or more so, not so much problem, is that I know that’s true. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do or sacrifice at this point to make her mine. To prove that we could be happy together. I just need time…