Father adjusted his tie and he left the house. Mom fixed her hair and kissed my cheek, saying, “Be good, Joey.” She looked at Jesse, but he wasn’t paying attention. She looked like she was about to say something to him but decided better of it and followed after Father.

After the car pulled out of the driveway, Jesse went upstairs. I ignored him. I didn’t want to bother my emotionally-unstable teenage brother so I stayed downstairs. I turned on the TV, tuning to a comedy show to numb my mind.

About twenty minutes into the show, the doorbell rang. Curious, I paused the TV, wondering who could be ringing at the doorbell at this time. It was 8 pm. I got up from the couch, ready to check who was at the door but Jesse ran downstairs and got to the door first.

I heard him talking to someone so I left the living room and went to the front door to see who it was. I watched him hug a teenage boy, murmuring something in his ear. The boy was tall like Jesse. He had unique gold eyes, tousled black hair that was dyed white at the tips, light brown skin, and small diamond earrings in his ears. He looked oddly familiar, but I couldn’t quite place a finger on why.

“Who is he?” I asked. “What is he doing here?”

Jesse shot me a vicious look and spat, “None of your business, Joey.” He then gave the boy a gentle smile as he led him upstairs.

I didn’t understand why Jesse would invite someone over. We weren’t allowed to bring guests over without our parents—no, our father’s—approval. Maybe they were going to study?

I tried focusing on the TV but I was bothered with the fact that Jesse was breaking Father’s rule. I waited fifteen minutes before heading upstairs. I placed my hand on the doorknob, ready to open the door but paused when I heard them speaking.

“You know, Will, if we get caught my father’s going to kill me. If not literally in that sense,” Jesse muttered.

The moment Jesse said Will, it all came crashing onto me. I held my breath, trying not to think about it too deeply.

Last year, Jesse had brought me with him to a park because Father didn’t want him to go off on his own. Jesse was meeting up with someone—he had warned me to not tell Father or he would “beat the fucking shit out” of me. Scared, I kept quiet. I didn’t tell anyone. Jesse had made me sit on the bench while he and the boy talked. They had begun slowly walking out of my view and I didn’t like that. I had followed them and was met with a shocking discovery: the boy and Jesse were kissing behind a tree.

I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. I had merely gone back to the bench and tried to forget what I had just witnessed. When Jesse came back, I had asked him who the guy was.

“Will, why?” Jesse had said.

“Nothing.” I had told him.

Now listening to the conversation between Will and Jesse, my dread was growing fast.

Will laughed. “Oh, I know. It’s the same for me, except it’s my mom as you know.” I heard the bed shifted, making me wonder, Are they on Jesse's bed…?

Jesse sighed, saying, “Just one more year, Will. One more year before we can go off on our own.” His voice was so quiet I had to lean against the door to hear what he was saying.

I heard Will sigh and more sounds of the bed shifting. There was a soft moan from one of them, and I opened the door silently and nearly gasped.

Both were shirtless and Will was on top of Jesse. Jesse’s fingers were in Will’s hair and Will was cupping Jesse’s face as he kissed him over and over again.

This wasn’t happening. No, not again. This was bad. If Father found out...oh no. He can’t find out. He would kill Jesse.

They were still kissing and I felt the impulse to scream, “What are you doing? Stop! Stop!” but I was eleven. I couldn’t do anything. Or much, for that matter.

“Jesse...oh, Jesse...” Will murmured, his fingers brushing Jesse’s hair. “There’s so many things we could do if we left now...” His voice was soft.

Jesse brushed his lips against Will’s jaw. He said, “Let’s finish high school first. Go to prom. Then yeah, we’ll run off. Start a family, have a new life, just you and me.”

It was sickening to watch.

I wanted to throw up. This wasn’t my brother. This was someone else.

Will began to remove his belt and that’s when all the blood rushed in my face as I said in a soft, trembling voice, “W-what are you d-doing?”

Both boys looked at me, their eyes widening. Will blushed as he muttered to Jesse, “Your brother’s a creep,” and I nearly screamed out in anger.

Jesse’s face lost its color as he whispered in a frigid voice, “You pervert. Get the fuck out of here!” His blue eyes contained hatred and livid ire. He spoke in a vehement voice, “I hate you, Joey. You pervert.” His breathing was uneven as he pulled Will closer to him, sneering at me.

“I... you...he...why...Father...when...how...” I couldn’t speak clearly. My words tangled themselves in my throat.

“GET OUT!” roared Jesse, his face flushed, and I closed the door hastily, running downstairs.

I debated whether or not I should call our parents. I chose not to. I was left in a state of shock and confusion and disgust. I didn’t understand why my brother would be romantically involved with another guy. When I saw him kiss Will a year ago, I thought maybe I had imagined it. Maybe it was the angle I saw them. Maybe it was the lighting. Something. But no. I was angry that Jesse would choose this path—he knew that Father was against this lifestyle so why was he pursuing it? Why? What thrill did he get out of it?

That was when the front door opened. Startled, I rushed to the front door and saw Mom and Father. Mom looked panicked while Father looked infuriated.

“Why the fuck is there another car in the driveway?” snarled Father as he glowered at me.

I couldn’t lie—no, he would punish me if I did. I managed to stammer out, “J-Jesse b-brought someone o-over…”

Father’s expression became blank and my heart dropped. He was going to lose it. He was about to lose his mind.

“Mark, please—” Mom began shakily, but Father wasn’t listening. He stormed upstairs and swung open Jesse’s bedroom door.

I flinched when I heard Father scream a word—I couldn’t tell what it was—and there was the sound of something heavy falling. Jesse was now screaming, yelling and cursing, but Father roared over him.

Will ran down the stairs, trying to fix his pants, face bright red. He paused when he saw me and Mom. Mom’s lips formed an O as her hand clapped over her mouth. Will muttered an apology; despite sounding flustered, he looked terrified and angry all at once.

Jesse came down the stairs, face red and tears running down his face. He pointed an accusing finger, snarling, “This is all your fault. All yours, Joey! Now I lost my phone to Father, and I can’t go to prom! You fucked up my life! You fucked it up!” He started sobbing harder and Father came down the stairs, spitting, “Come back up here, boy!” but Jesse didn’t. He repeatedly sobbed, “Why do you people take things away from me? Why can't I be loved? No one loves me! Only Will but I doubt I can be with him now!” He snatched his car key and bolted out of the house, causing Mom and Father to yell at him to come back.

I was speechless. Why was he blaming me? I didn’t do anything wrong. Did I? It was his fault for breaking Father’s rule. And for being with a guy…

“Joey?” Mom said, and I looked at her.

“Stay here, okay? Your father and I will go after Jesse…stay…stay put.” She told me.

That was when Father suddenly rounded on me, snarling, “I swear, if you are a faggot, too, I’ll fucking murder you.”

Disquieted, I said meekly, “Of course, sir. I would never, sir.” He shot me a doubtful look before leaving with Mom.

Alone at the house, I began to think what the meaning of Jesse and Will was. Were they together or what? They seemed to be dating but how? When? Why?

Infuriated, I grounded my teeth and sat on the couch, crossing my arms over my chest. An hour later, the front door opened and I saw Mom, Father, and Jesse. Father was holding Jesse’s bicep hard, snarling quiet words to him that I couldn’t necessarily hear. Mom came to me and apologized for what happened and that there wouldn’t be dinner. I shrugged and went upstairs, brushing my teeth and sat on the edge of my bed. I sat there pondering what happened when my bedroom door flung open.

Jesse entered and closed the door before rushing to me, pinning me to the bed. He spat, “You think you can get away with this?! You think you can ruin my life and not expect me to not ruin yours?!” He spoke in a furious whisper.

“What did I do, Jesse?!” I cried angrily, trying to shove my older brother off me. “Tell me, Jess, what did I do?”

“Why did you tell Mom and Father?!” His face twisted with agony. “I just lost my best friend and boyfriend! How could you be so cruel? So heartless?” He looked ready to cry again.

“But I didn’t,” I told him bitterly.

“Liar.” How could my own brother speak with such venom and hatred?

“But I didn’t!” I said honestly.

“So they showed up on their own three hours early?” Jesse waited.

My god, this was going to sound stupid.

“Yes!” I felt helpless as Jesse glowered at me.

“I wish you could, like, die or something,” Jesse snide.

I ended up crying. Jesse left my room and went to his, slamming the door causing Father to yell, “Jesse!”

I told myself that I hadn’t done anything wrong but it was hard to believe with Jesse beating me up every time he saw me. From that day, Jesse kept quiet around the house, refusing to eat. He often drove off, coming home past midnight, sometimes drunk. He got into fights with Father often and his grade started to plummet. When prom started, Jesse secretly snuck out with Will and this other boy. He came home around two in the morning. Father found out and lost his mind. He told him that Jesse will never step a foot outside of the house again. Ever. Jesse complained about how he was going to have a life and Father told him cuttingly that Jesse was not going to have a life.

Jesse yelled at Father to “fucking die”, which caused Father to beat Jesse up.

He went to the hospital that night.

“You made this happen,” Jesse growled in my ear constantly. “You fucked up my life. Now…now I’ll fuck up yours.”