“Joey!” Someone shouts my name.

I look around.

It's Carman.

“Hey, Carman,” I mumble when he comes next to me. I notice that he has a bruised, bloodied lip and his shirt is torn. “Who’d you fight?” I ask.

“This girl. Man, she’s crazy! Keeps on sayin’, ‘Avenge Ted!’ over and over.” Carman shakes his head.

“Why won’t she die already?” I grumble and Carman gives me a surprised look.

“Do you know her?” He asks.

“Not personally of course. Just. Met her when fighting. Her name’s Kel. Ted was a friend of hers. And Haden is Kel’s boyfriend. Ted’s dead, thank god, but now those two numbskulls need to die.” Carman gives a faint chuckle. I continue: “How’s everything with your fiancée?” Carman’s expression changes.

“Well, it’s okay, I guess. She needs money, I’m at war, and blah, blah, blah. She’s fine, though. Managed to get some money to keep the house and not get kicked out. Though...she wants another child. I. I want another kid after what happened to Melody...” Carman sucks in a sharp breath. “It’s unnerving and all. What if she loses the child again? I don’t know. Maybe after the war we can try again but right now...nah.” He then points to my wound, saying, “You’re hurt?” I nod.

“Yeah. It’s good though.” I chew my lower lip.

“It looks well-bandaged. Who did it?” Carman wonders.

I’m about to say Rachel but I catch myself. “Don’t know the name,” I go with.

Carman sighs. “Well, General Greenway wants to talk to you.”

“He...does?” I’m curious.

He nods, pointing to the far side of the field, so I head there, fighting the urge to plug my ears when I hear soldiers scream and cry. I see the General. He looks angrily.

“What is it?” I wonder.

“Where did you go?” General Greenway’s voice is a whisper.

“Uh. I was getting some bandages.” I point to my wound.

“Who did you follow? That person? That man?” Greenway growls.

I don’t answer.

“Byariars, answer me.” The General barks.

“M-my brother?” I cringe, remembering what Jesse said about not telling that he and his wife existed.

“You…You have a brother?” Greenway’s gray eyes narrow and it darkens. “Then how come I never seen him before?” He asks me accusingly.

“Wait. H-he doesn’t stay here?” My mouth becomes awfully dry and I have a bad feeling stirring in my stomach.

“From the looks of how he dresses, it looks like he is from the other side.” He growls.

“My brother isn’t evil!” I blurt out and flinch when the General gives me a cold, hard look. “But sir, seriously. I-I think that Jes—that my brother is alone.” Doubt creeps in my throat.

Greenway laces his fingers together and says, “We are at war, boy. And since your brother isn’t even registered for us that means you have to treat him like an enemy. Especially the fact that he led you to the other side.” His expression is merciless.

I swallow hard. “But you don’t know my brother...” Hell, even I didn’t know my brother.

General Greenway shrugs a one shoulder shrug. “You can tell a lot about people by studying them. Your brother would kill you if he had the chance, you know. Especially if he is on the enemy’s side.”

“He would never kill me!” But saying it out loud, I don’t believe myself. But would he? My own brother? That’s stupid. He was always angry when he said it. Jesse would never mean it. Right…?

I look at the General who has a scowl on his face. I open my mouth and close it. Sucking in a sharp breath, I mutter, “You don’t know my brother,” once more before I turn heel and leave, my head hammering, my chest tight and nausea burning in my stomach.

Then who does?

*****

I head to the medic cabin, and I find out that it is empty. Well, except for Noah and a young boy. Confused, I ask Noah, “Wh-where is everyone?” and Noah looks up.

“Hey,” Noah says. He faces the boy and says, “Give Daddy a moment.” He stands up and walks towards me. “Where’s everyone? Either dead or tending people out in the field.” His green eyes are wary.

The young boy has tears in his eyes, and I say to Noah, “Is that your son?” I point to the young boy.

Noah has a pained expression as he nods. “I-I told him about Abel. He...as you can see, he is not taking it well.” He rubs a hand in his hair, tears in his eyes. “Shit, I’m a fucking mess.” Noah claps a hand over his mouth and looks at his son with wide eyes. His son mirrors his expression. “Ignore what Daddy said.” He tells his son frantically.

“Why is he here?” I ask.

“Just for today...wanted to see him. My beautiful son.” The nurse sighs heavily as he walks to his son, pulling him close to him.

“Wh-what is your son’s name again?” I inquire.

“Fallix.” The boy looks up at Noah, dark green eyes wide.

I nod and say, “Um... would it be bad if I ask for some bandage changes?” I point to my wound which begins to bleed again.

Noah helps me change the bandaging, telling me to sit on the bed for a while. Noah fiddles with the end of shirt before he says, “I'll be back. Please keep an eye on Fallix. If you hurt him, I swear to God I will hurt you.” He kisses Fallix before muttering, “Daddy will be back.” He leaves.

Why does everyone want to hurt me? What grudge do people have against me?

Fallix looks at me, a nervous look on his face.

“Hi.” Let’s start small.

“...hi?” He looks scared.

“How old are you?” a bit more now.

“Five...” he’s holding a crumpled-up paper in his hand.

“What’s that?” I point to the paper.

“Letter.” Now he looks annoyed.

“From whom?” I press him gently.

 “Dad...” He looks ready to cry.

“Oh. What’s your last name?” I’m curious because Noah and Abel have different last names.

“Blackwood-Overturn.” Fallix grits his teeth.

Cool. Combined.

Noah comes in, shaking violently. “Fallix, Fallix, baby, come here...” and Fallix goes to his trembling dad, hugging him.

I stand. “What happened?”

“An explosion. Killed five people.” Noah suddenly bursts into tears, swearing and covering his mouth. “It’s too much! It’s too much! No one should die! I want my husband and for him, me, and Fallix to be happy. Now I’m a single father! Why? Why? My husband...why did you die?!” He hugs Fallix tight to his chest and cries.

I suck in my cheeks. I want to say “sorry” but that doesn’t do much good, does it? So, I stay silent.

“I’m sorry," Noah says, surprising me. He’s looking at me. “I’m sorry, Joey.”

“N-no! N-no. You don’t have to be.” I stutter.

“But I am.” His green eyes are searching.

Fallix pulls away from his dad’s grip and says, “Are you okay, Daddy?”

“Yes. Just grieving because your daddy's gone.” Noah’s breath latches. He shakes his head rapidly. He is trying to breathe but it seems as if he is hyperventilating. How do you calm down a hyperventilating nurse? I do not know.

Fallix grabs Noah’s hand and squeezes it. As if trying to reassure his father.

Maybe he is.

“I. I’ll go.” I murmur, pointing to the entrance/exit.

“Wait!” Noah cries and his cheeks darken. “S-sorry. I uh. Just want someone to talk to. I haven’t talked to many people...and most of the time the people are unconscious or losing blood or delirious...so...”

I nod carefully as I make my way back to him. He pulls me into a hug. I stiffen and he mutters, “I’m sorry...” and he pulls away.

“I-it’s fine.” I tell the nurse. “It’s fine.” I hug him and he collapses into me, breathing shaky.

“I wish he were alive...” Noah says, pulling back. He looks at Fallix and Fallix looks ready to cry. “Daddy’s sorry...Daddy’s sorry...sh, sh... don’t think about it, Fall. Please, baby boy...I know. I know.” He rushes to his son and hugs him tightly, stroking his hair.

I quietly leave the two alone and I let out a cry of alarm when someone places their hand on my shoulder.

“Man, aren’t you easy to startle?” It's Talyor. He laughs. But it isn't light. It’s darker than usual.

“Sorry,” I mumble, and he shrugs. “What is it?”

“Just wanna say be careful, you know? Always watch your back. Make sure no one will backstab you. Literally.” Talyor’s face is shady.

“W-what happened?” I’m starting to really dread this war even more.

“Troye was stabbed.” Talyor says. “He died. You know Troye, right? Troye Jenkins?”

I nod mutely. I met him a few times and even chatted with him before. He was a nice guy.

“Also...Troye had a wife. She’s really heartbroken right now.” Talyor closes his eyes, pain briefly masking his face.

I don’t know what to say honestly. Instead, I nod mutely, thinking, Man, this world is just so cruel. Why do people have to die like this? Why?

Talyor opens his eyes and says, “Well, like I said: be careful, okay Joey?”

He is about to go when I grab his wrist, saying, “Wait. I have a question.”

Talyor nods, waiting for me.

“Uh. Is Talyor your first name or your last?” I wait.

A grin spreads across Talyor’s lips. “Last name,” he says.

“Oh. Ohh... wait, really? Then what’s your first name?” I ask.

“Gavin. Though I prefer it when others call me Talyor. Only close friends and family members can call me Gavin.” Taylor shrugs.

“Oh. Do you still want me to call you Talyor?” I ask.

His grin widens. “Nah. You can call me Gavin. I don’t wanna die without hearing someone else callin’ me by my first name, you know?” Talyor—Gavin—cocks his head, waiting for me to say something else.

“Gavin?” I say.

“Joey?”

“Thanks for calling me a friend.”

“Ha. You’ll always be my friend. If we survive this war, I’ll invite you over to my place sometime, okay?” Gavin says and I nod. Gavin has a ghost of a smile before he leaves, risking his life out there in the middle of the battlefield.

I don’t want to die. Who wants to die? I would seriously hate it if I died. I have so many things to do in life. I’m only twenty-two. I want to go to college, find a girlfriend, have friends to talk to...

Walking (and trying to dodge bullets and throwing knives), I make my way into the soldiers’ cabin, sighing heavily as I flop on my designated bed.

The door flings open, and I gasp.

Oh. Okay. It’s just Carman.

“I want to just die now.” Carman says as he enters, his eyes wild as he shoves a hand into his messy hair. “I’m like, scared. Scared shitless now.” He shakes his head, trembling. “What are we going to do?” His fingers are gripping tightly onto a knife. A bloodied knife. “Jo, I want to die...I just want to die...” He looks at me with empty eyes, a haunting look of desperation. “I want it to end. The screams are fucking with me. I can’t fucking hear my thoughts.” His voice is growing louder, a panic building. “I fucking can’t, Jo.”

“You’re not going to kill yourself, right?” I say nervously.

“Nah...” But he seems distracted, twisting the knife between his hands.

“W-what about your fiancée?” I whisper.

“Jane? Eh...she’s fine. She’ll be fine either way.” Carman fiddles with the knife. He swears as he throws the knife down. “I’m tired! I’m angry! I’m going to have PTSD!” He screams.

He’s breathing heavily as he slumps against the wall. He rubs his sleeve over his eyes, a whimper in his throat. “If this war didn’t break out...I’d be a married man. With a daughter. With an amazing wife...but now. I don’t want to go home.” He looks at me with wide, searching eyes. “I don't wanna. I'm scared to go back. I'm a changed man now.”

I go to him. “Carman...it’s okay. Everything will get better in the end.” It’s a lie. We all know it. Nothing can get better. How? There is no way we can go back to our normal lives. Not after this. We’re stuck with that fear even though it’s gone. We’ll be haunted with the idea of staring at dead people with blank eyes. We’re stuck with that fear forever. It'll always remain.

It’ll never go; doesn’t matter how many years pass. It’s a dark truth that is embedded deeply into us that no one will ever be unable to undig. It’s more than just trauma—it becomes a part of us. I want to drive my fist into the wall, take a knife and stab my heart, want to get a gun and blast my brains because you know what? I had enough too. There's nothing I can do to undo. It’s sickening that I have to stand and watch people die, have to be the one to have their blood on my hands, to watch as their life fades from their eyes. I’m too young...too young... I don’t want to die but I’m afraid that's out of my hands, isn’t it? It’s “God’s Plan” on how this is going to end.

Let’s hope it’s not twisted.