Neil rubs the stinging sensation out of his eyes and attempts to blink away the resulting blur. He’s been staring at his laptop screen long enough that an afterimage flashes across his vision every time he looks away. When he looks back, it’s to a page full of apartment listings. Scrolling through all of the photos while reading the specs of each location has taken up his entire afternoon and it’s starting to make something ache in the front of his head.

Ever since he came back from his trip to Nevada, Neil has been on the grind. It’s been project after project thrown his way, all for a major grade, as well as a plethora of other assignments. Not to mention exams are coming up, which he forces himself not to think about too much.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the manager at the gas station he works at put him on a new schedule. Employees have been dropping like flies, popping in and out at varying levels of availability. There must be some kind of plague passing through given the number of people calling out sick. Neil’s covered more shifts this week than he can remember covering in the past two years. With all of that and a need to hunt for a new apartment, his nerves are fraying at the edges.

It takes whatever scrap of leftover energy he can find to keep himself standing upright throughout the day. At this point he barely has time to eat between responsibilities, casually wearing the bags beneath his eyes like a luxury fashion accessory.

Neil clicks on an apartment that looks promising, absentmindedly taking a sip from the to-go cup sitting next to his laptop. A sip that almost goes back into the cup with the way he chokes on it. The cup hits the table with a harsh thunk. A grimace overtakes his face, unable to stop the soft ‘bleghk’ that comes out of his throat as he sticks out his burnt tongue, hoping the cool air of the cafe will help dull the burn. He can’t even tell if the charred aftertaste came from how hot the coffee is or if the coffee itself just tastes that bad.

Regardless, it’s his only option and beggars can’t be choosers.

After breaking up with Kash, Neil hasn’t set foot in their- in the old cafe they used to frequent. He stopped going to that place around the time he sold his apartment. Too many memories attached to it that result in emotions he’d rather not deal with right now. As well as a particular confrontation he’s been taking great measures to avoid.

A part of him knows that it would be best for everybody involved to simply face Kash and end things directly. That would be the right thing to do.

And yet… the right thing to do isn’t necessarily the easiest. Not when he still can’t tell if the moments he sees Kash in his dreams should be categorized as nightmares. All he knows for sure right now is that his stomach twists every time he catches a glimpse of that black hair in a crowd. And it’s easier to walk away.

He’s been blatantly avoiding Kash since he returned from his trip, which also means avoiding all the places they used to frequent together. That just so happens to include the cafe with the best coffee on campus. So he’s stuck with bitter, burnt coffee until he manages to find someplace better that Kash doesn’t know about. A feat that might prove to be difficult considering how popular alphas like Kash always tend to know the best places on campus for everything.

Neil realizes that his hands have frozen in place, hovering over the keyboard, and shakes his head out of that train of thought. The bitter aftertaste lingering on his seared taste buds helps ground him as he refocuses on the task at hand. The specs of the apartment he clicked on are similar to a few he’s already looked at but he scribbles down some information about it anyway. He adds a few more listings to his notepad before finally shutting down his computer.

“Alright, I think that’s it for today.” A weighty sigh heaves out of him as he closes his laptop. At least he has something to work with.

His shoulder blades pop when he stretches his arms over his head and he gives his neck a quick roll before completely packing up. Once his laptop and notepad are secure in his ratty backpack, Neil grabs his mediocre cup of coffee and makes his way out of the cafe. Admittedly, he does stall at the door for a moment, debating on whether he should toss the drink or not, but decides against it at the last minute. He’ll ask Dinah to drink it when he gets back and they can have a nice laugh over how bad it is.

The mere thought brings a mischievous little grin onto his face. A grin that lasts for a half a second when something grabs onto his shoulder and jerks him harshly backwards. A half-aborted sound leaves him and Neil nearly trips over his own feet, catching his balance before he has a chance to eat asphalt.

“What’s your-” the words die on his lips when he looks up into the stormy blue eyes of Kash.

Kash with his hair wild and tousled, cheeks stained pink. Something cold ripples down his spine before settling in his chest cavity. He looks just like he did… back then. Except his expression was significantly less bewildered back then.

They stand like this for a moment, both silent except for the faint huff of breath steaming around their faces from the chilled air. Then Kash raises a hand, wrapping it around Neil’s forearm and jolting him back into the present. As if responding to the minute flinch, his grip tightens painfully. A stone sinks into the pit of Neil’s stomach.

“Neil…” Kash sounds winded, saying his name like he meant to whisper it. “Hey.”

It’s been too long. Too long since Neil’s heard him, seen him, been this close to him, even if it’s never been like this or under these circumstances. Despite what he should be doing, what he should be saying, all Neil can find himself capable of doing is standing there and staring with wide eyes.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” Kash continues, the beginning of an uncertain smile creeping onto his face. “I never heard from you on Saturday and I figured something happened, then you texted me and- then you said- but you never got back to me after that and I just, I couldn’t find you. I’m glad to see you’re okay, I am, really, but…”

Kash speaks, barely taking a breath between the words and Neil can barely hear any of it. A part of him, a very distant part, wants to puff out his chest in pride that he’s the one who made Kash like this. That there’s still some amount of something between them to bother him this much. But that part is drowned out by his heart jackhammering in his ears. He clenches his teeth hard enough to cause a dull ache through his jaw, a good distraction from the roiling waves rising up his stomach and pushing towards his throat.

Seeing the lack of response, Kash’s grip loosens before falling away. He takes a deep breath, running long fingers through dark hair. Neil can’t bring himself to follow the familiar movement.

“What happened, Neil?” His voice is soft but there’s something artificial about it, exasperated. “I know we haven’t really been able to see each other much, but I didn’t think it was a problem! And if it was, why didn’t you say anything about it? We can talk this out, we always do.”

Kash has his hands held palm up between them, as if waiting for Neil to reach out and place his own on top. Instead, Neil’s free hand goes to the strap of his bag and squeezes it until a dull pain flutters in the tips of his fingers. He takes a step back and breathes.

“I can’t talk right now.” It comes out stronger than he expects it to, despite the small tremor that still manages to slip through.

“What- I- Neil, babe, please. What is this about? What’s wrong?”

“Don’t call me that either.” Steadier this time. Neil takes another step back, half turning away. Kash’s eyes widen and he steps forward to follow.

“What is going on with you?!” His voice rises in volume, making a few passing students turn their heads at the sound. Kash huffs out a breath but lowers his voice, brows furrowing as he scrutinizes Neil. “I know we’ve had problems before, but not like this. You won’t even talk to me? What, what is it? Is it the project? Is that it?”

The scoff Neil lets out in response fuels Kash’s rant.

“I get it, I’ve been busy! But is that so bad that you have to treat me like this?” He gestures sharply at Neil. “Are you mad at me for being busy? Seriously? Are you mad that I haven’t been spending every waking moment with you? Huh? Because- newsflash! I have other important things in my life, Neil. It’s not always about you.”

If he grinds his teeth any harder they’ll crack. The second the words fall, something deep within him just… snaps.

A tiny, prickling thing, so small it’s lain dormant for a while. It slept through witnessing the betrayal in that alleyway in the dead of night. It rolled over and stayed silent receiving that strawberry drink. It hadn’t even twitched all those days dodging and weaving around campus like a criminal hiding from the law. But now… now it curls and wriggles and writhes.

It crawls through his stomach, expanding, inflating like a balloon. It burns the blood in his veins, circulating through every limb, every nerve, coating the inside of his mouth and teeth with lava. Bubbling and boiling for the first time since all of this started.

“Of course you’ve got better, more important things to worry about.” Neil says, casual and lighthearted, almost chuckling. Mocking. “It’s never been about me. I know that.”

“C’mon-”

“Did I say being busy was a crime? I mean, hey! I’m busy! All the time! But then again, I’ve just been the regular ol’ busy. But you? You’ve been busy.”

Kash gapes, but Neil only continues before he can reply.

“Let me ask you, then, Kash.” He spits out the word like it tastes rotten on his tongue. “Never mind what’s going on with me, what’s going on with you? I mean, you seem to be having fun. Probably because they look better than me. I know my body type isn’t really a fan favorite. Or is it my face?”

“Oh! Maybe it’s fulfilling some weird fantasy of yours! Some kind of kink? Or maybe they just treat you better? But you want to know what my bet’s on? I bet it’s because they’re an omega. Yeah. At the end of the day, that’s all that really matters to you, isn’t it? An alpha and an omega, meant to be.”

All the color in Kash’s cheeks drain, his complexion now a deathly pale. His lips are parted, eyes blown wide, standing stiff as a board as he stares down at Neil.

“I- I don’t- I didn’t”

“You didn’t what? Cheat on me?”

The pause is shorter this time as Kash smiles shakily and holds his hands up as if trying to calm a threatened animal. Which doesn’t seem too far off.

“Are you talking about the pheromones? Because if you are, I swear I can explain.” His shoulders are hunched in an attempt to make himself look smaller. Neil tilts his head slightly, expression falling flat. “I told you there’s a few of us working on the same thing together, and yes one of them is an omega. But the only reason it smells like it’s on me is because he has a hard time controlling them so he lets them out a lot! That’s it!”

“I knew you were stupid, but I didn’t know you were this stupid.”

“What?”

Neil can’t hold it in. He laughs. It starts as a hiss of breath through his teeth before it breaks out into a full-bellied laugh. Mindful of the half-full cup of coffee still in his hand, he tries not to curl into himself too much from the laughter, lest he spill it over the sidewalk.

“Did you think-” he reigns in the snickers to continue, “did you really think it’s because I smelled him on you? I figured it was someone from your project but I wasn’t expecting you to confirm it like that.”

“I don’t under-”

“I’m a beta. I can’t smell pheromones. Or did you somehow forget that after all these years of being together?”

Neil shakes his head, a wild grin tugging at his lips. A little crazed, he lets out one loud hoot before catching his breath and hammering in the last nail of Kash’s coffin.

“I was there when you did it, Kash."