As though a bird shot by an arrow, as though a bear caught in a trap, I clench down my fist on my stola and wring out the word, “…alright.”
The prisoners all shut silent. No words of protest. No words at all. All of them in the process of digesting the conversation exchanged. Then, the floodgates open. Like an incoming barrage of arrows. Like a lion opening its teeth.
“Take me too!”
“Take me..! I’m more useful than that brat!”
“Please…! Your highness Adelphus! Anybody except for this brat!”
“That’s right! Do you know whose daughter she is-“
The voices all come like arrows pining down my limbs. I stay still. Terrorized. What if this man listens to them? What if I am forsaken? The sound of my father’s head rolling on the ground rings in my ears. The suddenness, the ease of it all.
Ah father…. Please don’t miss me too much. I think, and for a second, grit my teeth in hatred. What a sinful daughter I am. What a sinful daughter I am. The eyes of my potential benefactor locks in with my amber ones. This sin, that reflection. This echo, that hatred.
“Silence.” His voice clears out the chants cursing me to death.
Nobody speaks. Out of terror, out of fear. A fear deeper than death. The second prince, his highness Adelphus Asiaticus. The man who single-handedly quelled the invasion of barbarians in the previous two years, from 357 AD. He is, not what the rumors signify. Neither a man eating beast, nor a monstrous entity.
Simply, a man with a stare as sharp as the steel blade commanded by higher ranking generals such as my father- one of the 11 legatus augusti (name of position)-. A man whose stare reeks of blood, like the souls of those he killed has rusted into his cornea. A man whose very being commands terror and obedience.
Out in the open, my breath stills. What do I even say? What can I even offer? To this man, who has it all? I keep my hand on the cage of the prison, uncaring of the mice in the corner of the cell. My desperation conveyed in the strength of my grip, in the tremor of my rose-beige hands.
His highness Adelphus, hunches over, so elegantly, like a leaf wading through the water. His ice cold hands slither through my cheeks, no tears to greet his hands. He smiles, so abruptly, my blood rushes to my heart, to my head. Too obscure to comprehend, then, he shifts his hands, suffocating my neck, as though he is closing the chapter to a book.
“…Not struggling?” He asks, a little too insouciant for it to come from the owner of the hands around my neck.
The corner of my eyes turns a little hazy. I am struggling to breathe. Though not enough to break my bones, the strength exerted is not at all gentle. Not at all kind. My hands on the prison bars strengthen, then slackens, with the remaining strength I cup my hands around his fingers, not prying it apart.
I struggle to utter anything, grasping breathe, through the suffocation, “You said… die for you. What sort… of pawn would.. I be, if..I don’t… prove.. myself now?”
Again. That abrupt smile. The swivel of a branch slowly snapping off from a century old tree. The sound of an incoming snowstorm. My own father’s head rolling on the ground. Those amber eyes void of anything except for the echo of hatred. A distant, yet intense hatred. He blinks, the gentlest expression I’ve seen him beheld.
The grip on my neck slackens.
The prisoners all murmur . Then silence themselves at once. His highness Adelphus takes out a key from his pockets and unlocks the door. I stay still, any attempts to escape now would mean to sever my neck. He stares me down, a probe into my mental conscious.
‘A good soldier never shows weakness. Enemies are filled with calculations and instinct. To show your cards when you are losing, is to ask to be attacked.’
My father’s words.
‘Remember, Lillai. When you are at the edge of life, when you have lost everything. That is when you are the strongest. You have nothing, so there is nothing to fear. You have nothing, so you can become anything. Don’t lose faith. Your worth is anything you believe it is. Prove your worth.’
My mother’s words.
‘The sight of your enemies are limited. If you plan your moves right, nobody will notice how weak you actually are. Worth is in the eyes of the beholder, and… what they perceive is up to your actions.’
My late brother’s words.
All of it comes crashing down. So close, so tender. Like a whisper; like an embrace I will never return to. His highness adelphus’s hands grace my right cheek, without meaning to two streams of bitter tears fell down. Not because of the coldness of his hands, but because of the loss of a family I never managed to fully know. For the childhood that leaves all too fast.
“…So weak.” His highness Adelphus comments; and yet my tears can’t stop falling. My limbs feel as though it is constructed by chains, as though those hands had returned back, suffocating my neck, as though that breathlessness returned to me, “But, it is exactly what I need.”
His stone cold hands, wipe away at my tears, as though he is wiping persistent mud off a piece of glass, harsh and gentle, that obscure smile, sending my limbs into a state of panic. Don’t move. I attempt to smile admits that helplessness, amidst that loss. So wretched it cannot be said to be a smile.
“Stand up.” He commands, and though my limbs remain to be a mess, somehow I did.
The memory of my mother flashes through my mind.
Where was she? My mother? The sound of my father’s head rolling on the ground rings in my hear. A ghost haunting my mind. It can’t be- mother can’t be…. My breath constricts. I bite down my lips. Not yet. I can’t ask yet. My rationality warns me. And yet, my conscience tortures me so. Ah, I am a monster. An ungrateful. Monster.
“Good girl.” His highness Adelphus, traces the edges of my right cheek, I struggle to stay still. It feels as though I am casketed in a tomb. His eyes remain so gentle, and yet, I know his patience is running thin. One misstep, and my head will roll on the ground. “Come with me.”
He walks ahead, I dash towards him, my weakened limbs barely managing to make every step. His long strides makes me run, I have a misstep and fall. He does not help me get up, instead staring me down. My hand trembles, shaking violently, and yet in his observing stare I stand up. ‘Prove your worth.’
His highness Adelphus does not say anything. And yet, his strides slows down. I hurriedly stay behind him, tracing his every footsteps amidst the condemning eyes of everyone watching. Amidst the curses thrown by everyone present except from him.
“Why her…? That girl’s lineage…”
“Once a traitor always a traitor…”
“Poor… he never knew…”
Why? Why? What is so wrong with me? With father?
Rage fills my every being. One stare from the man in front of me, stills my lips. I scrub at my hands uncomfortably. Dirty. Dirty. I feel so dirty. My sins. My err. A monster of a daughter.
I am every bit of a traitor my father was accused of.
It should have been me. My head.
“…”
And yet, I find myself following his every step.
His highness’s Adelphus’s hands reaches out to me from within the carriage picking us up, that slight impatience running through his gentle gesture, “…are you afraid?”
An indescribable emotion flits through his amber eyes. Some would mistake it for kindness, I know it is an evaluating stare. A momentary patience before he decides whether to keep or discard me. The slither of a snake around it’s prey’s neck.
I shake my head and take his hands, “No...You saved me. Your highness Adelphus. My life... This monster is as good as yours.”
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