Emilia

With my head back in the toilet for the third time this morning, I’m relieved Lucas is still out with James, checking the perimeter. In the four days since I promised to stop hiding what I’m going through, I’m struggling to keep my word. I swear I don’t mean to shut him out, but if he were to continually see me like this, it wouldn’t be long until he figured it out.

The looming decision weighs heavy in my thoughts, and I know with certainty that no matter what I decide, my life will never be the same. It’s disheartening and leaves me terrified of the future. I’m back to being consumed by anger at myself, at Creed. Hell, I’m even angry at God and the universe for bringing Lucas back into my life, only to pull the rug out from under us again.

Then there’s this baby. Creed’s parting gift. Another child he created and abandoned. Another child for me to have to explain that their worth isn’t indicative of the man who left them. It makes me so angry I could scream. So incredibly sad I can hardly keep myself from weeping. And I’m scared all these emotions will lead me to make the wrong choice, dooming us all to a life where something will always be missing.

“Mama.” Alyssa’s voice is followed by a soft knock on the bathroom door.

“I’m coming, Lyssie. Just a second.”

Done drying my hands, I take a last look in the mirror, noting the dark circles under my eyes. To say I haven’t been sleeping well is an understatement, the evidence of which is clearly displayed on my face. As I usually do when I’m feeling anything but cheerful, I practice my smile in the mirror, opening the door for my daughter only once I know I have it right.

“Hi, baby. Everything okay?”

“Yes. Aunt Jen is here.”

“She is? That’s a surprise.” Given the state I’m in, not a good one.

“Yep. She told me to come get you. She’s waiting outside.”

“Okay, baby. I just have to brush my teeth, then I’ll be out. Can you let her know?”

Before I finish the sentence, Alyssa’s already on the move. “Okay.”

The sound of her sweet voice as she excitedly skips back the way she came fills my heart with joy. It’s a good reminder that no matter the struggle, my girls are my everything.

By the time I’ve finished brushing my teeth, I’m convinced I can do this. Years of practice have taught me how to compartmentalize the things that are bothering me until I can almost convince myself my problems don’t exist. It’s something I need to tap into right now if I have any hope of hiding what’s going on from Jen. After one last pass of lip gloss, I straighten out my yellow floral sundress and then head outside to see my best friend.

I find Jen sitting on the steps of the deck, watching over the girls as they play on the wooden play set Lucas and James’ brother Tyler built for them. When she hears me, she turns to look at me; her face lighting up with a beaming smile.

“There you are. You okay? Lucas told Ben you haven’t been feeling well.”

Breathe, I remind myself as I do my best to relax the muscles in my face so I appear unaffected. “Yeah, I’m good. I saw Hannah a few days ago. It’s just stress from everything going on.” Her eagle eyes scan over me in that same unnerving way that’s identical to her brother. By the furrow in her brow, I can tell she’s not buying my lie, but to my relief, she lets it go.

“Well, you need to take it easy. Lucas is worried about you.”

“I know he is. He tells me every chance he gets.” I tell her as I take a seat on the steps next to her.

From the moment I suspected I might be pregnant, it was like he could somehow see the change in me. At first, he was understanding, trying his best to believe me as I attempted to allay his fears. But every day since my appointment with Hannah, his understanding has shifted to something resembling impatience. He’s not hard on me, nor is he demanding any answers. But when he asks if I’m okay, his looks are more pointed. When I tell him I’m alright, his brows come together in deeper frowns.

He knows I’m hiding something important from him, and confusion and hurt are now a constant behind those beautiful sea-green eyes. I hate what this is doing to him—to us—but until I decide what I’m going to do, this is the way it has to be. To live with the consequences of my choice, this decision needs to be mine. I know that if I tell him, his reaction may sway me to do something we’ll both later regret.

“Emmie, talk to me. What’s going on?” She speaks softly, ensuring no one else can hear, as she nudges her shoulder against mine.

Keeping my eyes on the girls as they play, I take in the carefree smiles on their angelic little faces. Despite the mess Creed and I have made of their lives, the girls are happy. That they’re blissfully unaware of the trouble we’re in is a tremendous relief. Hiding what’s going on from them is the one thing I seem to be doing right. But as I watch the two little girls who own every piece of who I am, I can’t help but think of the baby growing inside me. What will he or she be like? What would my life look like with three balls of happiness to help bring me back to life?

“Hey, Lucas!” As soon as I hear her call out to her brother, I realize my mistake. My silence confirmed what she already knew, and now she’s going to push until I give her the truth. “Can you keep an eye on the girls? I have to talk to Emmie in private for a sec.” When Lucas’s worried expression lands on me, she adds, “She’s fine, so stop your frowning. I just have some questions for her. About baby stuff, you know, kegels, perennial massage, nipple cream.”

“Jesus, Jen! Shut your trap, woman.” Lucas barks at his sister in disgust as James guffaws in the background.

“Told ya it was personal,” she snickers as she takes me by the hand and pulls me inside. When we get to my bedroom, she locks the door behind us. “Now sit and start talking.”

As panic coils around me, I try to figure out what the heck to tell her. Given her struggles with infertility, not to mention she’s Lucas’s sister, telling her the truth is out of the question.

“Emilia!” She takes my hands in hers, shaking them in exasperation. “Talk to me. What is it?”

“I can’t, Jen. It’s…” That’s all I got, for there is no good way to explain this impossible situation.

“Emie, what the hell is with you and all these secrets? Do you not trust me anymore?” The slight crack in her voice sends a pang of guilt shooting through my chest.

“No Jen, it’s not that.”

“Then what is it? First the situation with Creed, now this. Why don’t you confide in me anymore?”

“This isn’t about you, Jen.” Unable to sit still another second, I rise to my feet and turn to face her. “It’s about me and what I’m going through. I’ve made choices I’m not proud of, and I’m doing my best to work through the consequences of my mistakes. All I’m asking is for a little time. Once I figure things out, I promise to tell you everything.”

“Aren’t those the same words you said to me the night you and Nic had that blowout fight at Club Solstice? That was months ago, Emie, and you’ve yet to sit down and tell how it all came about, never mind how your husband was gone for three years, and not once did you bother to tell me what was happening.”

“I’m sorry. There are things I’m not at liberty to discuss…”

“Bullshit. You’re a terrible liar, Emilia.”

“I’m trying to minimize the damage here. Don’t you get that? To keep people from being hurt, some secrets are better left buried.”

“You better start talking or I swear to god, I will get my brother and husband up here and force your hand….” When I go to interrupt, she raises a hand to stop me and then rushes on. “My husband and brother are hard at work trying to keep you and the girls safe. That type of arrangement demands a high level of trust and honesty to ensure all parties remain safe. In my husband’s line of work, secrets get people killed, and I’m sorry, I’m too busy preparing to bring a new life into the world, to even consider losing someone I love because you’re too darn stubborn to lean on the people who’d do anything for you.”

“Please don’t make me say it.” Tears flood my eyes as desperation clings to my voice. “It’s going to change everything.”

Instead of offering me a reprieve, her features harden with a look of sheer determination. The realization that there’s no way out steals my breath, and I’m left fighting back a heart-wrenching sob. I won’t allow myself to cry, though. After what I’ve done, I don’t deserve the outlet my tears would bring. So I collapse back onto the bed, chin to my chest and shoulders slumped in acceptance that after this, my relationship with my best friend—my sister by choice—will never be the same.

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Author’s Note:

As badly as Emilia wants to hold on to her secrets, Jen is determined to get to the bottom of what's happening. There was a time Jen would have trusted Emilia to come to her when she was ready, but too much has happened and she's concerned not just for Emilia's, but for her husband's and brother's safety.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter. Do you think it's time that Emilia discloses news of the pregnancy? Any thoughts on how Jen might react?

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