I cupped my cheeks and grabbed a pillow, then buried my face on it to mute my squeals. My heart is still racing from what transpired earlier; the passionate kiss I shared with Mariano in his study. My swollen and tingling lips are proof of that. Because of the silence in my room, I can hear my heartbeat thumping loudly in my chest, my cheeks warming up from recalling what just happened several minutes ago, and the wide grin on my face from the butterflies fluttering in my belly.
There is no use denying it; I like Mariano, romantically. I tried my best to avoid him and kept my distance so I can think clearly, because falling in love is a big deal for me. I do not curse love, but I have seen how my mother got ruined because of love. I could not help but anticipate that if I decide to fall for Mariano and I fall so hard, I would give my everything and he will destroy me if he decides that I am not the right one for him.
With that in mind, I started eating my meals in my room. I only step out of my room when he's not around, but his morning routine never stopped. He always swings by my room to give me flowers. My vase is replaced with fresh flowers every morning. Not only that, there were times when I awoke to muted footfalls behind my door and something warm on my forehead, as if he pressed his lips on it.
I figured that such routine should be stopped so I locked my doors, but the fresh flowers were still left by the door. Every time I see it, my heart aches. I want to ultimately avoid his presence but there is no escape. I successfully avoided having meals with him, which has become our routine as well, and I know that the staff has been suspicious. Thank goodness that they think that it is just a lover's quarrel.
Mariano is not the problem, and I felt guilty for pushing him away whenever he gets close. I am the problem. I have issues that cannot be resolved by mere therapy sessions. Because of what happened to mom, I keep doubting other people's intentions. What if they are just getting close to me because they want something from me? River, Aunt Becca and Tyler? It took me years before I fully convinced myself that they care for me because they love me, and not because they could get something out of me.
That's when my anxiety started to creep in. When Mariano mentioned the elders and the marriage, I was brought back to reality. I was so happy in our own bubble that I forgot that Mariano is being nice because we are putting on a show for everybody. When that realization sank in, I felt a heaviness in my chest and I started to blame myself for having expectations.
Why did I get my hopes up again? Why did I think that Mariano would like me? I got knocked up by some unknown man and I was Mariano's stalker. My record is not that impressive and I should be grateful that I am not in jail or being chopped into pieces for stalking a mafia Don.
I began to doubt Mariano's actions. A thick barrier surrounded my heart and I have become overly suspicious of him. I started overthinking and because of the pregnancy hormones, it was easy for me to dive into depression. That one week was a series of highs and lows for me. I did not contact River or Tyler because I do not want to worry them.
However, I woke up feeling okay today. I was exhausted from overthinking and I fell asleep by three am. Staying up late is not good for my baby, but what can I do when my anxiety works the graveyard shift and my thoughts do not want to leave me alone?
What happened earlier was unexpected. I was just about to get my snacks downstairs when I happened to see Mariano and the rest was history. I am still reeling from the high because of the kiss but now, I am about to experience a drop. Why did Mariano kiss me in the first place? What is his intention? As I began again to question every single act of Mariano, my limbs went all cold and an unpleasant emotion started to rise from the pit of my stomach.
My breathing became labored until I started to hyperventilate. What came next was that my head started to hurt. I tasted something acidic in my mouth and all of a sudden, I vomited on the rug. I just felt so weak and I did not understand what was happening with my body. My vision went blurry but before I became unconscious, I was able to press the emergency button.
***
"Yes. Thank you. We will keep that in mind," I heard Mariano say when I regained my consciousness. I opened my eyes to the soft glow of the bedside lamp, the gentle hum of the air conditioner, and the faint scent of lavender in the air.
Mariano's concerned eyes met mine, his worry etched on his face as he hurried to my side. With utmost care, he arranged a fortress of pillows behind me, his strong hands supporting my back as I tried to sit up. He handed me a glass of water, his fingers brushing mine in a comforting touch. I attempted to take a sip, but my trembling hands betrayed me, causing the water to spill over the rim of the glass.
"Easy, Arden," Mariano said, his voice a soothing melody as he wiped my mouth with a towel, his touch gentle yet firm. His eyes, warm pools of concern, locked onto mine as if trying to understand the depth of my distress.
"You're so pale," he murmured, his thumb tracing soothing circles on the back of my hand. "How are you feeling? Can you eat something? Perhaps a piece of fruit or something sweet? What about some iced matcha? It might help settle your stomach."
His genuine concern washed over me like a balm, and I managed a weak smile, grateful for his presence. "I'm okay, Mariano. But what happened? How did I end up here?"
"You had an anxiety attack, Arden," Mariano explained, his voice steady, though I could see the storm of worry behind his eyes. "The doctor also diagnosed you with mild depression."
Guilt gnawed at my insides, making me feel like a burden. "I need River. Can you call him, please?" I asked, my voice barely audible, my eyes darting away from his gaze.
"Of course, I'll call him. But why?" Mariano inquired, his brows furrowed in confusion.
"I... I want to go home," I confessed, my voice catching. I avoided his eyes, my heart racing with fear. Silence hung heavily in the air, and I could sense Mariano's frustration building, his patience waning.
"Home? You mean, to our mansion, right?" Mariano's voice held a glimmer of hope, but I shook my head, my throat tight with anxiety.
"No. I want to go back to my home," I reiterated, my voice barely above a whisper. The room seemed to shrink around us as his expression tightened with frustration.
"Fuck," he muttered under his breath, his hand running through his hair in exasperation. "Why? I don't understand," he said, his voice a mixture of confusion and anger.
"Mariano..."
"Explain to me why you want to go back there, Arden, because I don't understand," he demanded, his tone neutral but his frustration palpable.
"Why are you mad? Don't worry, we can still continue with the marriage. I just need to be home," I stammered, desperation creeping into my voice.
"Who cares about the marriage, Arden?" Mariano snapped, his frustration bubbling over. "What about what happened between us earlier? Do you want me to pretend it meant nothing?"
Confusion swept over me. "What do you mean? It was just a kiss. And why are you so affected? Is it because you don't want the elders to find out that everything we did for the past few weeks was all a show?" The words tumbled out of me, my pain and confusion fueling my honesty
I could not hold back any longer as the words slipped out of my mouth uncontrollably, each word slicing up my heart as my sharp, numbing pain spread through my chest. When feelings are bottled up for so long, once the cap is removed, it will spill... the emotions will spill out like a broken dam.
My eyes began to burn from unshed tears. "Mariano, I don't understand what's going on here. Fine, I have feelings for you, that's why I avoided you. It hurts knowing that everything you did for me was just part of our little show. It didn't matter before but now... being with you hurts so much, Mariano. It's like you are tearing me to pieces and killing me with your kindness. Please, don't do that. I..."
Mariano heaved a deep breath and his expression became tender. When he got down on both knees and held my hands, I was at a loss for words. "Arden, let me be clear once and for all: all of my actions are genuine. None of it was fake. Our silly banters, our late-night movies, our deep conversations, our morning routines, the out-of-town getaways... I did not do any of those because the elders are watching us. I did all of those because I want to. I want to see you happy. I want to see you smile every single day because you re-energize me."
"B-But... you said before..." I said in a shaky voice and bit my lower lip, trying to stop the sob from slipping out. Tears began to stream down my cheeks and with so much fondness, Mariano wiped them away.
"I know what I said, Arden, but I was hoping that I was able to show you through my actions how i enjoy your company so much. With a person as busy as I am, do you think that I have enough time to take you out of town for long rides? I don't have that kind of luxury, but I always look forward to it."
I sniffed and smiled a little. "Really?"
Mariano smiled and sat beside me, then ran his fingers through my hair. He intertwined our fingers and pressed his lips on them. I took a sharp intake of breath as the anxiety churning in my belly was replaced by a horde of butterflies fluttering gently. "Hmm. I like seeing you beam with joy when you hear that we are going out somewhere. I like the way your hair dances with the wind as we drive down the suburbs, windows down. I enjoy hearing you sing along to the stereo. Also, how your expression changes depending on what song is playing never ceases to amaze me. Your very existence amazes me, Arden, and I am sorry for being stupidly dense."
"Go on. I wanna hear more," I added with a sniff and reached out for the box of tissues. His words were able to quell my anxiety and put my overthinking to a stop.
Mariano's hearty and baritone chuckle filled the room. Amusement filled his eyes as his lips curved a grin. "I'm not sure if you know, but I am actually scared of you."
My eyes blinked so fast at the statement. "What?!" That was a revelation. I cannot believe that a mafia Don will be scared of someone like me. "Come on, stop pulling my leg."
Mariano smiled again. How many times did he smile now? He usually has this permanent smug or teasing grin on his face so I rarely see him smile genuinely. "Remember that time when we ran out of matcha cake? That was the first time I felt fear since... never mind. Anyway, all I'm saying is, you have me wrapped around your fingers, Arden."
I was left speechless, my heart swelling with a mix of emotions. "Um..."
"You don't have to say anything. I just want you to know that everything I've done, every gesture, was an earnest expression of my feelings for you. Seeing you collapsed on the floor shook me to the core. I may not believe in a higher power, but in that moment, I prayed—for your safety and for the little one's. Please, trust me, Arden. This isn't an act. I care for you deeply, genuinely," Mariano confessed, his gaze never leaving mine. "I like you."
"What?" I must have looked dumbfounded because Mariano's smile softened, his eyes filled with tenderness.
"Arden Coleman, I am very much interested in you, romantically. From now on, be prepared, because I'm going to make you fall for me so hard." His words hung in the air, filled with determination, and I felt my heart skip a beat, realizing that this confession was altering the course of our relationship in the most profound way possible.
Comments (0)
See all