Emilia 

“Grant me the honor of being the one to save you this time, if only so you’ll be healthy and whole the next time I need you to save me.”

His words are like a distant echo, running on repeat through my mind as I work to piece myself back together after a heart-wrenching morning, where we made love and then I had to go and ruin it by falling apart. The weight of my lie has grown so heavy that I’ve lost the ability to pretend I’m not on the verge of losing the man I love. His frustration with me is at an all-time high, especially since after he asked me to let him save me, I didn’t even have the strength to say yes. Instead, the answer that fell from my lips was a whispered, half-hearted, “I’ll try.”

Since then, we’ve sunk into an uncomfortable form of co-existence. It’s been this way since we left the bed to get dressed, while we ate breakfast with the girls, and then now as we ride to Hannah’s office for my appointment in absolute silence. Sneaking a glance at him, I note the unnatural stiffness in his shoulders, the cold tightness that lingers in his eyes. The knuckles on the hand wrapped around the steering wheel are white, even as he opens and flexes his fingers over and over before going back to gripping the leather like it’s his only hope of keeping it together. Even the hand that holds mine feels different. Cold and unyielding, our fingers are intertwined, but the feeling of intimacy is missing from his touch.

It’s how I know he feels it too. The sense of impending doom. It hangs heavy in the air around us and though I see that anger is the mask he’s using to hide his fear and uncertainty, I do nothing to set him at ease because I can’t. The fact is, I’m carrying another man’s baby. A man who, in Lucas’s mind, stole me right out from under his careful watch, kidnapped me, and then took me to that cabin to take advantage of me. There’s a part of Lucas that still believes what Creed did borders on rape. I see the accusation in his eyes whenever we speak of it, and though I’ve told him time and time again that it was consensual, he doesn’t agree. For Lucas, this baby will be a living, breathing reminder that when it counted, he failed to protect me and I just don’t see how he’ll ever get past it.

“Lucas.” I squeeze his hand, hoping it’s enough to lessen the sting of what I’m about to ask of him. When his eyes meet mine, I force myself to say the words. “I need to do this on my own again.” When he stiffens and tries to pull away, I panic. “It’s the last time. I-I swear it. After this…” 

“After this what, Embree? Don’t you think it’s time you tell me what the hell is going on?” Not knowing what to say, I drop my head. When he realizes I’m not going to respond, he lets go of my hand with such force that it sends tears running down my face.

The last ten minutes of the drive are pure torture, spent with me crying silent tears, while he silently fumes. He’s angry. Angrier than I’ve ever seen him, which I understand, for if I were him, I’d feel the same way. I’ve shut him out, even after promising I wouldn’t. I’m hurting him. I know it and I hate it, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it. What’s done is done, leaving us on a full-on collision course with a reality our relationship may not survive.

“Wait for me. I’ll come around to let you out.” His voice is gruff and absent of the usual warm tone he reserves for me.

With tears in my eyes, I watch as he steps out of the car and scans the area around us. After securing Nero’s harness, he commands him to jump down, before slamming the door shut behind them with such ferocity it makes me flinch. Blinking away a fresh round of tears, I fight back the raw wave of emotion clawing its way up my throat. When he opens my door to let me out, he doesn’t offer me his hand as he usually would. Instead, he steps aside, his gaze taking in our surroundings in a way that suggests he’s doing everything in his power to avoid looking at me. Add that to his unwillingness to touch me, and it’s like someone’s stabbed a dull rusty blade right through my heart.

I want to cry. I want to break down, kicking and screaming at the unfairness of what’s happening, but I can’t. I won’t. This is my life now. My chosen path. After all he’s done for me, I owe it to him to handle this like an adult. The next several hours will be painful regardless, and it’s up to me to minimize the damage and protect his heart as best I can. With a deep breath, I school my features into the mask that has served me well over the past three years. If experience has taught me anything is that the saying “fake it until you make it” is true. All I have to do is hold on to this facade long enough to trick myself into believing everything is going to turn out okay.

Making our way to the building, he walks behind me, giving me a wide berth even as he holds the front door open so I can walk through. When we enter the empty reception, he and Nero break away towards the waiting room. That he’s letting me go without so much as a goodbye, cuts me down to my fricken soul, but there’s nothing I can do. This is how it has to be, so I grit my teeth and focus on breathing through the pain.

“Nice to see you, Emilia. Come on back and we’ll get started.” Pretending my world isn’t crumbling to pieces, I follow Tammy to the back reception area. “This is for your urine sample. Once you’re finished, set it here on the counter, then meet me in exam room one.”

In a daze, I do as instructed. It’s hard to believe how different my circumstances are this time around compared to the last two times I found myself here. My pregnancies with the girls were full of excitement. Every appointment was like an adventure. Something to look forward to, but this time, all I feel is dread. It leaves me questioning if I can do this. Can I love this child given the circumstances, or will I raise them as my mother did me—full of resentment and anger for what their existence cost me?

 Angry at myself for even thinking it, I shake my head. The irony that I can relate to how my mother has treated me all these years is sickening, for as angry and scared as I am, I could never do to my child what my mother did to me. Even if I hate this. Even as I struggle to be happy about this pregnancy, I would never cast my innocent child aside or make them feel unwanted or unloved.

After dropping the urine sample off, I meet Tammy in the exam room. There, she takes my blood pressure while asking a myriad of questions. When she finally leaves, I breathe a sigh of relief. Making it to this point feels like half of the battle is behind me. Alone at last, I find myself sitting on the precipice of a new chapter in my life. Two paths were put before me, both of which require great sacrifice, but only one is a sacrifice I can ultimately live with. The woman who was born the day Alyssa came into this world is adamant I protect the life growing inside me. This leaves me with no choice but to accept that the life I so desperately wanted with Lucas may soon come to an end. 

“Hi, Emi.” Hannah eyes me expectantly. Ashamed as I’ve been, I’ve avoided all her calls since leaving here two weeks ago, and therefore she doesn’t know my final decision.

“I’m keeping the baby.” It’s a whisper, one I can tell she hears when she gives me a kind smile. But then the implications of the words hit me like a punch to the gut and I collapse into a heap of sobs. Burying my face in my hands, I succumb to a tsunami of grief that sweeps over me and sucks me back down into the place of darkness and pain that came into existence the first time I lost him.

“Emi.” Hannah wraps her arms around me, holding me together as heart-wrenching sobs steal my every breath.

“I don’t deserve your comfort. Not after…”

“Stop. Do not say another word, Emi. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“If that were true, then why does my chest ache under the weight of regret and disappointment? Why am I so overwhelmed with shame and self-loathing? I hate myself for what I’ve done to get me in this situation, for considering terminating this pregnancy. I hate who I am and what I’ve become, and I’m so incredibly angry that I’m terrified I’m well on my way to becoming my mother”

“Oh, Em.” She takes my hands in hers. “You are not your mother and you never will be. You are everything she’s not. Kind. Loving. Giving. On your worst day, you still could never be her.”

“Then why do I feel like this?” I sob, shaking my head as I try to fight against the shame that just won’t ebb.

“Because, unlike your mother, you feel love deeply. What you’re feeling right now is perfectly justified because this decision not only affects you but the lives of the people you love. Alyssa, Mallory, Lucas, and now this baby. You’re feeling this way because you have a conscience and a heart of gold, which is why your only concern right now is how your decision will impact them. You have every right to be angry and sad. To be scared and disappointed. Considering the circumstances, it’s okay to feel everything you're feeling. Just don’t let it drown you. Remember what your dad used to say? Have a little faith, for everything in life happens for a reason. Have faith. That’s how you’ll set yourself free from the fear and the shame.”

She’s right. 

Reaching for the locket Daddy gave me, I close my eyes and take the first real deep breath I’ve taken since I first suspected I was pregnant. While I don’t know where I’ll find the strength to get through the next seven and a half months, let alone the next 18 years of this child’s life, I know with absolute certainty that I have to find a way. If not for me, for my three children who deserve a full life with at least one parent who is present and loves them unconditionally. With newfound resolve, I wipe away the tears and sit up straighter.

“You’re right. Thank you.”

“Emb, what you’ve been through and now with this baby, I really think you should undergo some sort of counseling. I have a colleague…”

“Someday, Hannah. Maybe we can talk about it again in a couple of months. Right now, I just want to go home. I need time to inventory what’s left of my life so I can come up with a plan to rebuild. I need time to get the girls used to our new life, time to prepare them and myself for the arrival of this new little person.”

“I understand. If you start to feel like it’s too much, I want you to reach out, okay?”

“I will.” I take her hand and squeeze in reassurance. “I promise.”

“And Lucas?” She asks with a hint of sadness. “When are you going to tell him?”

As my eyes well up with emotion, I take another steadying breath and center myself. Regardless of how painful this next part will be for me, I’m determined to do what I can to protect his heart. 

“Tonight. I plan to tell him tonight.”

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Author’s Note:

I am not a fan of how Emilia is handling things with Lucas, and I can completely understand why he's so angry with her. Now that she's decided to keep the baby, and tell Lucas the truth later in the day, I hope the way she's handled things to this point, doesn't come back to bite her.

After what happened in this chapter, how do you think Lucas will take the news? Do you think the fact she kept the secret from him for so long will sway him one way or another?

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