Warning: violence and language

It was a bad idea to think about the past, to think about Darrin. Now, I can’t eat lunch. I feel too sick to force down anything. Plus, the dry bread doesn’t look that appetizing.

“Why so depressed, boyo?” Gavin says, waving a fork in my direction.

I don’t answer him.

“You okay?” Carman.

“What’s wrong?” General Greenway.

“Leave him alone, you guys.” Noah.

“Should I change the wound?” Xentia.

“Oh my God, you don’t think it’s from a broken heart, right?!” Cynthia.

“That’s stupid.” Ethan.

“It might not be,” adds Cole.

“Shut up,” snaps Donovic at Cole.

“Would you people leave me alone?!” I demand furiously.

“Sorry for caring,” shrugs Gavin. He forks some potatoes into his mouth.

When I realize that everyone is still staring at me, I stand up abruptly and stalk off, scowling. I’ll be fine if I don’t eat lunch. Or even dinner. I’ve done this before. Before at home. At school. I head to the soldiers’ cabin and go to my bed, laying down on it. I cover my face with my hands and groan loudly.

“Joey...” Someone hisses my name from the window. I realize that it’s my older brother. He is waving a hand, gesturing for me to come.

I go to him, and he grabs my collar, choking me as he brings his face close to mine.

“I want to kill you so fucking badly, you have no clue.” Jesse snarls.

My heart drops to the floor.

“You think I don’t know you told Greenway about me? You think I’m some dumbass? Wow, Joey.” Jesse continues in that low hiss. “My god, wait until I have my hands around your neck... just you wait. Or how about I hurt you now?” Jesse forces me to stand on my toes. 

“N-n-n-n-no.” I stammer.

“Asshole,” Jesse whispers, striking me with his free hand. He lets me go and I move away, breathing heavily.

“I’m not the asshole. You are.” I grumble underneath my breath, and I regret it instantly.

Jesse lets out a furious cry as he climbs through the window and tackles me to the floor. “YOU,” he screams in that hissy snarl, “WILL SUFFER, JOEY!” and I’m like, okay! Jesus, don’t kill me...

His breathing is heavy, but it slows down. “Okay. Okay. I’m good.” He punches my neck and I gag drily. “Holy god, I want to kill you!” Jesse shakes me incredibly hard. “You intolerable creature...” He snarls, shaking his head. He pulls away, pinching the bridge of his nose. “My head hurts, my god... what do you do to me?”

“What did I do to you?!” I spit. “Listen to yourself! Jesse....why do you hate me? Eleven years ago.” I swallow hard when he shoots me a murderous look. “I... am sorry, okay? I didn’t... you broke our parents’ rule of not inviting people over. A-and the fact that you didn't tell them you had a boyfriend...” I flinch when he raises a hand to strike me. He doesn’t so I continue. “I know I fucked up but...d-didn’t we both? I’m sorry...but I didn’t know y-you were b-bi. Uh, bisexual.

“And honestly, t-they did come on their own. H-how could I have contacted them? M-my phone was dead...and you had your phone with you...why do you hate me? I...I...” Part of me wanted to announce to my older brother that, Hey, Jesse! Guess what?! I’m bi, too! I just realized! but that would anger him or confuse him. Or...no. He wouldn’t be happy for me; he would just blame me more.

“You what, Joey? You can’t sputter stupidly on ‘I’, like what the hell? I can’t read your stupid mind!” Jesse says exasperatedly. He looks at me expectedly, waiting for me to continue.

It’s been a six year long secret. No one knows. Only Darrin... obviously. Because we were messing around, and he let me hope that I was his boyfriend.

“I thought you weren’t in a relationship, Joey,” Jesse suddenly cuts into my thoughts. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” My voice is sharp. Like broken glass.

“By the looks on your face. Looks like you got your heart broken. Who was the girl? Hm? I thought you said you weren’t interested in dating.” Jesse looks at me with wide, angry eyes.

“It wasn’t a relationship. We...we were just messing around.” My heart is pounding. Be still, stupid, hopeless heart. “N-nothing much. I-it wasn’t long or anything. Just a few months. J-just kissing...touching... no-no... s-s-sex.” My face is burning.

“Few months? How many months? How come I didn’t see her?” Jesse doesn’t look angry anymore. Fuck it, he looks intrigued.

“Um. F-f-four months.” I wring my fingers, then I pull my knees to my chest, resting my head on my knees.

“What’s her name?” Jesse whispers. My god, not only am I thinking he is bisexual, but I’m also thinking he’s bipolar as well.

“...last name is Meyer. Y-you knew the sibling. The sibling’s name is Cassie.” My heart is threatening to break out of my chest.

I wait for it to dawn on him.

Jesse sucks in a sharp breath and says, “Wait, what?” His voice is shrill. “Cassie Meyer had a brother named Darrin.” Jesse grabs my face and forces me to look at him. His face is flushed, and his eyes are wide. “Are you telling me that you are gay?! And yet you were disgusted by the fact that I was kissing a boy? Who was my boyfriend? I’m bi and you’re gay?!”

Tears burn the back of my eyes. “I...am not g-gay. I...I... I think I m-might be bi a-as well?” Of course not. I’m not bi. What am I? Yeah, I’m straight. I mutter, “Uh... I think I’m straight though?”

The breath leaves Jesse’s lungs as he places his hands atop his head. “What the actual fuck? Aren’t you homophobic?” he sneers.

“That’s the thing! I don’t know if I am homophobic or not or if I'm bi or anything. I just know the fact that I enjoyed kissing Darrin!” I blurt out and clap a hand over my mouth.

“...was it an actual kiss?” Jesse whispers icily.

“H-huh?” I look at him confused.

“Did. You. Kiss. Him. With. Your. Tongue?” Jesse emphasizes the words furiously.

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit—

Jesse grabs my wrist, hissing, “Did you, Joey?”

Why do I feel ashamed?

“Y-yes.”

“And did you like it?” Jesse gives me a frigid look.

“I... I actually loved it...” I admit nervously.

“Did sex cross your mind?” Jesse asks and I feel my body burn, my face is on fire, and I can’t breathe.

Yes. No. Maybe. So what? What do I say?

Heart dropping to the ground, I whisper, “At times...”

“Did he call you his boyfriend?” Jesse snarls, his fingers tightening around my wrist.

Did he? Did Darrin say that? Did he? Did I call him that? Were we actually not dating...?

Those faded memories that I thought I had abandoned long ago, I dig them up from the grave and I whisper the truth: “No. He did not.”

Jesse pulls away, letting go of my wrist. “So. He was messing around with you, then. Did you like him?”

“Since sixth grade...” the pain, god, my heart is tearing again.

“Have you kissed a girl before? Like, a real kiss?” Jesse wonders.

“Yes, I have. And for the record, yeah, I liked it. That was an experiment, though, that kiss with Amy James...” I want to stop talking, I don't want Jesse to know things... Why is the world so cruel?

My older brother has a thoughtful look etched on his face. Then it turns bitter. “Lovely!” he cries, throwing his arms wide. “My younger brother kissed a boy! And he loved it! Whoo-hoo!” he snarks. He then drops his arms and says, “Now I hate you more. Wait until I drive my fist down your throat.” He pulls out his gun and jams it against my lips. “Wanna play a little game? I call it ‘Suicide’.”

Think of something, Joey.

I push the gun away and say hastily, “Did you have sex with Will?” and mentally, I’m facepalming myself.

Jesse, on the other hand, looks incredulous. “What?” He says.

“Did you have sex with Will?” I repeat nervously.

Jesse pockets the gun, canting his head. “Well, yeah. Unfortunately, Father caught us that one time and bye-bye freedom.” He does a mocking wave, folding four fingers.

Ask more questions.

“How many people have you gone out with before you married Rachel?” This could be an almost normal conversation with my older brother but it’s not. We’re at war, and he wants to kill me. This is the only way to prevent my death. Or someone else interferes. Yes, let that happen.

He looks annoyed. “Uh, well, Will and Rachel. I’m quite loyal when it comes to relationships. Surprised? Well, I don’t cheat, lie, hurt, or anything like that. Will and I were going to marry the moment we got out of high school but who fucked it up?”

You. Yet he’s looking at me.

“So really, just one person before I married Rachel.” Jesse pulls the gun out, running his fingers along the body of it. “This is a beautiful handgun, so you know. Works amazingly. Know what this is?" He thrusts it in my face.

It’s a Glock 17. A semi-automatic.

“Glock 17,” Jesse says, and I tell myself, Yep. I am smart. “Should I fire this at you? See how much blood you got in you?” he shoves the gun to my throat, and I choke. “No?” he says when I shake my head. “Well, no worries. I won’t kill you right away. Maybe if you have a secret boyfriend or girlfriend here, I will kill them, make you cry. I don’t think I ever saw you cry...even when Father beat you. Hm. Then who do you cry for?”

You don’t have to know, I say in my head. No need for you to know.

Jesse scowls. He says softly, “How often did Father beat you?” and I look at him with wide eyes.

“H-huh?”

“Are you retarded? I asked, ‘How often did Father beat you’?” Jesse hisses.

“Um. O-often?” I stammer.

“More than the times he beat me?” Jesse whispers coldly.

“...no.” I don’t look at Jesse.

“Do you remember the time Father threatened to cut my tongue because I said, ‘I want you to fuck off’? Hm?” Jesse grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. “Do you?”

I nod mutely.

“You were also Mother’s favorite. Why don’t you admit it? She loved you more than she did with me.” Jesse continues savagely.

I shake my head.

“Did she ever defend me when Father was beating me?”

A beat of silence.

I shrug.

Jesse grabs a fistful of my hair and yanks backwards. I swallow a cry of pain. Jesse says, “You know the answer is no, Joey, don’t deny it.”

The air leaves my lungs.

“Maybe because you hurt her too, in ways you just don’t know it.” I mutter and Jesse slaps me.

“How?!” Jesse demands. “How did I hurt her?” He barks.

“Y-you uh... constantly swearing... fighting with me... taking drugs... (Jesse interrupts, snarling, “Yet I quit!”) um...not telling that you had a boyfriend. Or the fact that you’re bi. Um... running off to parties... getting drunk, your grades dropping... stuff like that. You did say one time to her that you hated her...” I flinch when he spats, “BECAUSE SHE WOULDN’T FUCKING DEFEND ME!”

Awful reason to hate someone, I tell myself dryly. Jesse seems to know what I’m thinking because his expression hardens.

“So... you say you hate someone because they don’t defend you. What an excellent reason.” I say dryly and Jesse aims the Glock at my forehead. “Why are you so violent?”

Jesse sighs heavily. “I’m not violent.”

Surrreee.

Jesse scowls, saying, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” I ask, fixing my face.

“Raising your eyebrow, a smug look?” Jesse says, pulling the Glock away.

I crack a faint grin. “Who knows? Now. Go.” I hiss, scowling at him. I point my finger out the window. “Before someone comes and kills you. Or something.”

My older brother has a flare of anger shadowing his face before he masks it. Yep. Bipolar.

“Fine.” He says, throwing his arms out. “I’m going. But heed my warning. If you fuck up, hah. I’m killing you.” He leaves.

And a sigh of relief.